What should I eat between now and Thursday to ensure my farts are hideous?

FREEEEBUM!

will my ringpiece be forevermore known as Malleus Scotorum?

Or Malleus Scrotorum, if things get violent enough.

As long as we don’t end the day lying in a public courtyard with our intestines hanging out all over the place like Wallace on the executioners bench 🙁

Depends if your Grommit can handle the strain.

The one larks call emitted so far smelt merely like a slice of haslet

That’s merely the opening suite of the paxo symphony, it doesn’t kick in til you feel the timpani drums in your lower intestine, that’s the start of the sage and onion overture.

You’ve still got a couple of hours til kick off. Clench man, clench.

As a last minute tip. If you have heated seats, use them. They add to the stench and give a satisfying after glow.

“…..Scottish Fire and Rescue Service investigators have traced the source of ignition to the heated seat element in the car.
The road was subsequently re-opened to traffic two days later after extensive resurfacing works to repair the melted tarmac.”

I need a poo already but I think it’s just excitement.

Post of the century!

Feels a shame to FTFY…

I need a poo already but I think it’s just excitement excrement.

Bravo to TGA…I doff my cap to you, sir.

If you have to make an emergency stop make sure you park close to the entrance because it’s really hard to run whilst clenching.

Well I’m back in work ready to go. Had a beef sandwich and a pork sandwich for breakfast, washed down with a bottle of Bru and eaten while walking the dogs to get it all churned up. Haven’t farted for about an hour but my guts are starting to feel ropey so I’m optimistic that the timing is good.

He has not been for a dump yet as he says he is not going to afford me the courtesy of going for one before our trip, so there is a divergence in tactics here. Hopefully he will be reluctant to force anything out for fear of sharting, whereas I, having been for a poo earlier, can toot away with gusto once Smaug has woken from his current slumber. I hope this is soon as I don’t want to have to send a troop of dwarves and a hobbit up there to provoke a reaction.

A word of caution, he may have one up on you here. I find that bottom burps are much more robust if they’ve had to elbow their way past a poo on the way to the surface.

can toot away with gusto once Smaug has woken from his current slumber. I hope this is soon as I don’t want to have to send a troop of dwarves and a hobbit up there to provoke a reaction.

Worst. Magic. Ring. Ever.

On the upside, “hobbit’s finger” is my new favourite euphemism for a dormant poo.

Should’ve had a bottle of Fursty Ferret….

There are occasions when it’s not acceptable for policemen to drink alcohol at work. Even in Scotland. So there’s been no ale at all.

Too late, alas, but I’ve just remembered that liver paté has a terrible effect on the bowel bugle.

Incidentally my cycling buddy is a gastroenterologist and since I’ve been cycling with him my understanding of and respect for the human gastrointestinal tract has increased dramatically. Did you know, for example, that the rectum is well supplied with nerve endings that enable the brain to distinguish between liquid, solid and gaseous rectal contents? Usually…

Also the large bowel and the gut have no local pain receptors but lots of nerves that sense stretching, which is important in allowing us to detect blockages. My buddy says they sometimes cauterise the inside of the bowel and this is the reason why they inflate the bowel with CO2, as air would of course cause an explosion if the spark ignited any methane present. CO2 is also more readily absorbed through the wall of the bowel than air, leading to less discomfort.

I look forward to this thread being read out at the double inquest.

Verdict: Death by misadventure.

There are occasions when it’s not acceptable for policemen to drink alcohol at work. Even in Scotland.

‘ealth and safety gawn mad.

‘eath and safety gawn mad.

What’s Ted Heath got to do with this?

How does this ninja editing work?

Last nights diet has worked for me – totally rancid this morning. Even the kids in my classes have noticed something isn’t quite as it should be!!

Guinness, haggis tatties and beans btw.

btt

For me I like the predictability of dried apricots or dried apples (cheapies, with sulphide preservatives)

With them i can usually time the emissions to 3-4 hours after, and the sulphur content adds to the egginess.

I think a trip to Holland and Barratt at lunchtime…….

I’m with you all the way on dried apricots. My wife banned me from eating them in any food.
Just back from a three week trip to Cuba and most places we stayed in had a big bowl of them with the breakfast spread.
Every now and again in slyly eat a few and guff away while sunbathing.
A few times she thought the tide had gone out because of the stench 🙂

There are occasions when it’s not acceptable for policemen to drink alcohol at work. Even in Scotland

I was sure this thread was genuine, that thegreatape was to be lodged in an epic battle of thunderbums with his boss.

After that statement I’m not so sure what to believe any more. 😥

How does this ninja editing work?

Only within 15 minutes. 🙂

This one could run and run … in all sorts of ways !

A combination of baked beans and sweet corn is guaranteed to get you pootin and trumpin.

May I suggest, rather than all this effort into making your farts stink, wear an adult nappy and shit yourself in the car.

The game will be over, and you will be victorious. Your boss will be amazed at how dedicated you are the cause and probably promote you.

You get the satisfaction of crapping your self in the name of a competition.

so anyway,

any reports?

They’re both probably stood next to the remains of a burnt-out police car.

A combination of baked beans and sweet corn is guaranteed to get you pootin and trumpin.

The only problem with sweetcorn is it turns you into a malevolent chain gun on the way out. I’m convinced that its only nutritional value is as an excuse to eat butter.

any reports?

reports as in sounds of something exploding. That’s sophisticated humour right there as nicked from Les Dawson no less. This is a ‘joke’ I wheel out every year or so in somewhat ceremonial fashion, and so far to zero mirth whatsoever.

Total failure so far. He’s done three on the journey, one smelt of hula hoops, one a bit drainy, one of nothing. I’ve done one which didn’t smell.

Hopefully just the calm before the storm.

May I suggest, rather than all this effort into making your farts stink, wear an adult nappy and shit yourself in the car.

I believe our local MP pays good money for that sort of service* (apparently he’s the only person in the county with a coffee table in his car*). The DI should consider himself lucky**.

*This may, possibly, be a complete fabrication. Possibly. Maybe.
**Or not.

Any updates from the dynamic duo on their:
Air biscuits
Back-end blowouts
Cheek flappers
Duck calls
Eggies
Faecal fumes
Gas attacks
Human hydrogen bombs
Inverted burps
Jet propulsion
Killing the canary
Lean mean bean machines
Methane bombs
Nose death
One gun salutes
Paint peelers
Quackers
Ripping the cheese
Sphincter siren
Turd Tremors
Under Thunder
Venting One
Whoopees
Y front fillers
Zingers
Who knew the English language was versatile enough to complete an A to Z of f@rt euphemisms?

Still. Not. One. Single. Peep. From. My. Hoop.

I do not understand what is going on. I can only apologise to you all for this failure. I considered fabricating something but I’m so disheartened that I don’t have the energy to do that.

I feel deflated 🙂

I do not understand what is going on.

I guess I may not be alone in thinking this, but my instinct was that you were over-loading; not enough planning involved.

The very worst farts (to the point I disgust myself) are actually when I haven’t eaten much at all; an empty stomach produces the worst outputs by far.

However, you are going to shit yourself in your sleep tomorrow.