What should I eat between now and Thursday to ensure my farts are hideous?

Bit late to the party here and I think most of the bases have been covered, but a nice tasty, gelatine-heavy slice of game pie at a country pub en route will add an arresting tincture of brimstone to the zephyrs in your Z-Car.

Looking forward to watching the OP and his passenger captive being rescued from by a team in biohazard suits in a future episode of Countryside 999.

Iron Maiden – When the Wild Wind Blows

Urban Hype – A Trip to Trumpton

Prodigy – Breathe

Surely Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire?

Bombay Mix on its own won’t deliver the desired results, nor will restricting your liquid intake to solely Guinness.

It’s kind of like working with Araldite in that the magic happens when two distinct ingredients are combined, one acts as a catalyst to the other. It’s not just about spectacular bottom pyrotechnics, if your fumes induce a headache and nausea then you’ve got the mix just right.

*disclaimer* you may not be able to smell anything else for a fortnight afterward.

I cooked a massive lentil dahl on Monday night, and I’ve had it for dinner 2 nights running now. I can safely say that farts are being produced with increased frequency and potency since 😀

Cheers, Rich

What the hell was that Kevin Bloody Wison song ? “He wasn’t a very big kid, and he wasn’t very smart, but Jesus he could fart ..”

after ive eaten red onions, you could literally strip wallpaper with my farts.

have a nice day!

Curry and real ale. Job done.

I give you “The Night of the Bombay Mix”.

I’m crying at the thought, but I can beat that!

Once at a friends house, the morning after the night before we were all in varying states of alive in the living room when I felt something brewing.

But rather than the usual squeek, rumble or burp my sphincters just opened and released a katabatic breeze of death, for a good 30 seconds. It was like when you take the core out of a tyre valve and it just wooshes, I swear I was so relaxed I actually felt a cooling breath of air go back in afterwards.

Then the smell hit us, I say us, because I think it instantly paralysed my olfactory nerve endings so I avoided it’s full horror, grown men cried, girlfriends cried, people came in from another room with no linking door to ask if we could smell gas too, and cried. I’ve not seen one of my housemates from uni for 7 years since then.

I think that was Dominos pizza and boddingtons.

This reminds me of a rally a few years ago being in a hire car after a friend had consumed a whole bunch of grapes 🙁

Cider, cheese, pickled onions & sausage rolls gets me a fare bit of OAe (offensive anal emissions)

Right, tea time, and I’m pleased to report that the first stage in the process – eating the thing – is proving to be most agreeable. The caramelized onion ‘jam’ sits very well with the stilton, chorizo is always good, and the dip is spicy but also flavoursome. The stuffing is exactly as you’d expect, but just as good a method of getting meat and cheese to the gob as bread is, so that’s fine.

The DI has gone home for cabbage soup and onion bread, but I’m feeling confident.

Whilst the ingredients for the biological-weapon are well defined, with occasional parps, a continuous propulsion enabler appears to be lacking.

Is it possible to add a few boiled eggs and some butter beans as a driving ‘snack’ to facilitate a continuous launch of the gasses?

Well I had a ‘dragons egg’ for lunch but I guess that’s well ahead of the main cargo. One of the girls across the corridor is doing slim fast so I’ve found a tin of that. Would that help?

I need a poo already but I think it’s just excitement.

One of the girls across the corridor is doing slim fast so I’ve found a tin of that. Would that help

A couple of lines wouldn’t hurt.

🙂

A stinky arse is no excuse for bad breath – so neck a few packs of sugar free mints

All well and good gassing each other out on the way there, but the poor ‘soles at the other end, innocent victims

Best thread in ages this one, tears rolling down my face

Awesome thread.
Am hoping the op manages to get to the end of the journey without having to deep clean the seats.
Amazing work everyone

I’m not usually one for toilet humour – but this thread has me crying. Thank you all!

Brilliant! Serve you right if you both shart though! Looking forward to the debrief!

One of the girls across the corridor is doing slim fast so I’ve found a tin of that. Would that help?

Drink the slim fast before you leave and it will be the icing on the cake.

Well the gaffer has just gone and I’m still here. There has been a lot of tooting going on this evening, but nothing too hideous from my end. One rotter from him judging by the look on the admin lady’s face when she made an ill timed visit to his office. All in all though, it’s the pre-fight weigh in verbal sparring before the killer blows are struck during the main event tomorrow.

Just pondering a last minute snack on the way home, perhaps a Rustlers burger from the all night garage, just to stop anything produced during the night from escaping north when it needs to be going south. Or another scotch egg? Journey starts at 1130 hrs tomorrow.

EDIT – Change of plan, just found a jar of pickled onions and a bottle of olive oil with chopped garlic in it. That’ll help more than a microwave burger.

I swear I was so relaxed I actually felt a cooling breath of air go back in afterwards

cant. breathe. 😆

We are all rooting for you, may the farts be with you.

Good luck. If you’re tucking into breakfast, add plenty of meat and don’t chew too much. You’re guts will find things harder to break down if you don’t chew properly and the gas you get from those extra enforced chemical reactions is priceless…
I had a reputation for farting at school and once lost a friend to farting. She said she could never travel in a car with me again and we don’t speak anymore.

For gods sake, make sure you keep an extra pair of pants in the car.
I predict the poo’s n two’s will be on by lunchtime

once lost a friend to farting

what a way to go

still, better to burn out than fade away

peajay – Member

Brilliant! Serve you right if you both shart though! Looking forward to the debrief!

A debrief after a shart, whilst necessary, is never something to look forward to.

There’s going to be a Shart-astrophe in that car.

D-Day is upon us. A further element of gastric unpredictability has been added courtesy of an incident which kept me at work until four hours ago, and my opponent there until midnight. This has certainly confused my guts and I daresay his. I have a most impatient mole at the counter, but from a prone position it is impossible to tell if this will my usual 4-5 (on the Bristol scale) or something more akin to a broken ice cream machine. The first task will be getting safely from the bed to the bathroom without cutting loose. I am just waiting to hear the bolt slide across and the current occupant exit before I alight from the bed and run through the house like my cock’s been caught by a fisherman. The one larks call emitted so far smelt merely like a slice of haslet, which would be like taking a small blunt knife to a gunfight. Hopefully there is better to come in a few hours time. Further updates in due course.

We await with baited breath, somewhat appropriately.

I’m guessing it’s gonna be a “ghostie”.

Slips out unfelt with the merest of whispers, enters the water like an olympic diver and gracefully submarines around the u-bend like a playful sealion, leaving no trace of it’s existence. No wipe or flush required.
A rare and magical beast indeed. The unicorn of the shite world.

loughor
I believe the tune you’re looking for is “Mick, me mate’s the master farter, with his fuel injected double jointed arse…..

Im guessing it’s going to be a ghostie

It wasn’t quite that professional, but neither was it as rowdy and uncivilised as bats at dusk. The wife was next up in the bathroom, and on her way in she claimed it smelt like an Indian (the dish), and on the way out had a little tear in her eye. To my nose the pickled onion was the standout flavour, but on turning to look at it I was proud to see that the whole bowlful was British Racing Green. Not only does this bode well for later, but it adds to the sense of occasion for today’s Calcutta Cup of flatulance between the boss and I. Unless his was blue with a white cross then I think the advantage is with me. But will his air warriors come flying forth in a disorganised and unruly wave led by the Bravefart and with countless blue faces in its wake, or will my ringpiece be forevermore known as Malleus Scotorum?