What should I eat between now and Thursday to ensure my farts are hideous?

Protein shake , chorizo and cabbage . They go beyond enjoying your own farts to being shocked at yourself that you can produce such a death stench

Eat a whole packet of sage and onion paxo to yourself at least 6 hours before take off. You can do balls or one big tray, it doesn’t matter.

Wash it all down with a pint of strong IPA and a chunk of Stilton.

Your farts will smell exactly like sage and onion stuffing, but farts, so disgusting.

Also, Sainsbury’s microwave jalfrezi is particularly good fuel the night before.

Follow this advice and your air biscuits will send your enemies green with envy, also sickness.

All the above in a wrap with loads of onions and peppers and chili beef, plus black beans as they work a bit better than kidney beans. Plus Ale.

Yes, onions are smelly as well as couscous, falafel and homous. Wash them all down with a couple of pints of Old Peculier.

All the above, plus a really long bike ride should do the trick.

Add some durian. Burp/fart dual pronged attack.

THIS, Captainflasheart speaks the wisdom of a worldly man.

See if you can get some.

I like the stuffing suggestion. What about stuffing balls with a stilton centre?

Can’t drink lots of ale immediately before work, that’s frowned upon.

See if you can get some

I suspect after the next couple of days eating, that’s going to be a challenge

Chorizo sausage…..ooofffff!

Curried lentils do the job for me, wash that down with stout and you have a dangerous combo.

You need some dairy in there – a nice tub of yoghurt.

Stuffing is a good one but falafels really do the trick.

I suspect after the next couple of days eating, that’s going to be a challenge

She’s used to it…

Third, Dried apricots.
They give me super bad wind for hours, however, it’s all to easy to chamber a live round towards the end of the ‘windy’ period.

Ok, Thursday evening’s menu:-

Starter – chorizo and pickled onions.

Main – Stilton stuffed stuffing balls with a natural yoghurt dip and a Scotch egg.

Pudding – perhaps some apple tart, because ‘apple tart makes you fart’ or something.

Doombar.

Pudding : nuts and dates

Great menu , that could be like a theatrical taster menu at Heston Blumenthal’s restaurants . Honestly please wash it down with a protein shake , it will set you off a treat .

Friday morning breakfast curried omelette

A big steaming bowl of Grow the **** Up served with a side portion of Moral High Ground 😉

Wash it down with Guinness obviously.

Red onions in some form, they still smell sweet after fermentation. So you’ll be smirking when your boss deliberately inhales a lung full wondering what that lovely aroma is.

Cheap tinned frankfurters

OK changing pudding to nuts and dates and will try and steal borrow a protein shake from an elite firearms colleague.

If my work mate is anything to go by…..liver and onions produces an aroma not to different to that of dogshit-on-shoe

On dried apricots – in moderation. Eat a few the morning before the journey, too many and you will shit your pants.

Onions and garlic. I would get lots of baby onions for a beef stew the night before. Eat with a few Ales. Winner.

For an easy option, I’ve not seen them for years but we use to buy sulphur tablets. If you find them let me know. Schoolboy giggle inducing facts.

Look no further than Eselgruntfuttocks suggestion back at the start of this thread. I once ate a Beanfeast while camping and honest to goodness, halfway through the following night me and mrs farmer had to spend the rest of night outside the tent sleeping under the stars.

As my grandad used to tell me

A farting horse will never tire,
and a farting man is the one to hire

(he would know having been an itinerant ploughman with teams of horses throughout his youth)

Pudding – perhaps some apple tart, because ‘apple tart makes you fart’ or something.

It was always Gypsy tart in my neck of the woods.

i heartily support the use of durian, tastes horrid but my god the stench of the burps that will follow for the next 6 hours makes it worthwhile…

For me, nothing makes a bad ass smell like the combination of real ale and eating an entire pack of asda sage and onion cocktail sausages… i once made a stranger retch with the toxic fumes after that night

Baked bean and broccoli omelet, only boil the broccoli for 5 mins then put it in the frying pan with the omelet. Wash down with Guinness.

Do they still make beanfeast!
I used to love that stuff what, 35 years ago.
TO TESCO!

Go for the Haribo Hell Bears

http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Sugar-Free-Gummy-Bears/product-reviews/B008JELLCA

Aspargus

then drink a lot of tea

Broccoli plus real ale for potency, add some good old fashioned cabbage or kale and a nice rich gray for frequency. Risk of follow through increases, as does the chance of having the vehicle stopped by hans blik or whoever it these days who identifies wmd’s

Alternatively eat nothing and follow a German wheat beer only diet for three days. I attempted this in Berlin and on the s bahn back to the airport unleashed a cavalcade of air biscuits so rank, that they were tearily described as life changing by one of my former friends

Dried apricots, they’re lethal.

Another vote for onion bhajees here – particularly morrisons fresh ones, normally by the cheese counter.

Team them up with a trip to the salad bar for a large salad, with four boiled eggs, spicy chicken pasta and some crispy fried onion bits on top

All of the above with a massive bag of peanuts chaser.

Liquorice and pickled onions, I won a farting competition at work, I managed to make my colleague gag on nights when we did it and apparently the early turn could taste them when the walked in.

Protein shake , chorizo and cabbage . They go beyond enjoying your own farts to being shocked at yourself that you can produce such a death stench

This. All the other suggestions pale in comparison.

If you really want to outdo your boss and really make him suffer (you too possibly), lots of protein shakes and veg is the way to do it.

Most people quite like sniffing their own farts, but drink enough protein shakes and you will disgust yourself at your own brew.

All you need is a small tub of protein powder from holland and barrett etc.

As long as a fart is bearable for the farter, it is not the very pinnacle of awfulness.

Most people quite like sniffing their own farts

Wat