Teenage Stepdaughter help!

So, Mrs LDM and myself have been together for four years. House renovations near complete and all rosey in the ( plastic grass) garden. Apart from teenage stepdaughter, firstly i understand that lockdown, social media, just being a young female is tough but really need to vent!
Shes claimed to her mum that she needs constant internet access in case she wakes up in middle of the night feeling scared/horrible thoughts and wants to self harm. we’ve no evidence of self harming behaviour, no cutting etc and no excessive food issues, she eats crap late at night. haven’t spotted any alcohol or drug use ( i know what to look for, work) on the whole if shes left to her own devices she is happy to constantly snapchat, watch tiktoks. it becomes an issue when shes challenged or asked to do things round the house. She then claims we’re getting at her and she doesn’t want to come home, this weekend when she wasa told she would need to eat prioritise eating breakfast rather than putting make up on she lost it and contacted her grandparents asking to go stay there. this resulted in a very stressed partner and PIL wondering whats going on. result is a back-down from mum and calm restored.
my issue is a feel shes manipulating her mum and now grandparents, i think the online stuff is far too excessive and asking a kid to sort some laundry isnt1
Am i over reacting? any tips, advice would be welcome!

bump

Have you had a teenager before.?

Most of this sounds par for the course. The internet has only made teenage angst worse imo.

No other advice other than good luck and consider a Swiss finishing school until she is 26.

Am i over reacting?

Yes.

(Father to a now pleasant 24 year old daughter)

Chill and don’t rise to provocation. Discussion can then take place when things have calmed down (this usually worked for us).

Alternatively find some hungry pigs for body disposal. 😉

Teenage stepdaughter? Laundry? What could possibly go wrong???

Online stuff is just how it is now for teenage children. We had no restrictions for our daughter and she’s a perfectly respectable and grounded nearly 19 year old now.

As for washing pots and other house-hold chores, that doesn’t improve! A weeks worth of pots and mugs from her bedroom still ends up sat on top of the kitchen worktop when she does finally bring them down rather than in the dishwasher directly underneath. 🙂

Life’s too short to worry about laundry – they’re soon gone from your house.

Teenagers are genetically programmed to be bellends. Varies on a continuous scale from moderately unreasonable to total ****, sound’s like you’re on the mild end of the range. Honestly just better to let stuff slide unless it is genuinely harmful, it’ll pass eventually.

Sounds like relatively normal teenage stuff (as an ex-teenager, not a parent).

Threaten to treat her like an adult (1/3 the shopping, cooking, do her own laundry)?

No previous experience of teenagers ( does it show?) thanks for the reassurance!

Whatever else, checking your phone constantly during the night does no one any good and I can’t seeing it ending well. Speaking as someone who was only getting 2 hours sleep a night for a long time – getting a reasonable night’s sleep is the foundations of a functional life.

For me, stopping internet access at night would be non negotiable. To the point, where I would put a timer on the router and limit data access on her phone.

I’d agree with the general consensus here about it being normal behaviour, except the needing internet at night to that degree. I’m with Martin T on that bit – needs to be an agreement that no phone at night (could be Wifi goes off at a set time) and any reassurance needed in the night she needs to get from parents!

I’m with Martin T on that bit – needs to be an agreement that no phone at night (could be Wifi goes off at a set time)

Feel free to try, but as the father of 3 girls (2 x 19yo and 1 x 21yo) I would say that you’re on a hiding to nothing if you try to impose something like this beyond the age of [about 12].
Girls lives revolve around data and attempting to take this away is only going to cause grief.

I hate to say it but sometimes the path of least resistance is (within reason) the best approach – try to find a middle ground that is acceptable to you both.
The older they get the less stroppy they become – although the data usage will never change.

For me, stopping internet access at night would be non negotiable. To the point, where I would put a timer on the router and limit data access on her phone.

Sure at 8 you can do that, but not now…That ship’s sailed. And “non-negotiable” is not a thing that’s ever been a success with any teenager.

I’ve got two teenage daughters and this sounds like standard stuff. Once the exploding mass of hormones recedes it gets a lot easier to the point where sometimes you no longer want to kill them as they’re quite pleasant company 😉

Sure at 8 you can do that, but not now…That ship’s sailed. And “non-negotiable” is not a thing that’s ever been a success with any teenager.

Yip. If you want to start a war you can’t win, then you could try that. I wouldn’t, personally. Life’s stressful enough

Good luck

We did that for my now 19 yr old daughter until she was 18 – she has her phone all the time now now, but there were no major worries about it – it’s the ‘she needs constant internet access in case she wakes up in middle of the night feeling scared/horrible thoughts and wants to self harm’ bit that concerns me.

My 15 yr old son still has the ‘no phone at night’ rule in place.

Mind you, there’s no right answer, what works for one won’t for another – at the end of the day, trying to have open reasonable discussion about pros and cons with her is the holy grail!

Change the WiFi password every day. No access until chores are done. Wouldn’t bother with the night time restrictions to be honest as you’ll lose that battle.

When my much younger brother was being a dick to my mum the threat of formatting his PS4 hard drive was enough to make him become more reasonable.

Perhaps upgrade your partner to one that does not come with a horrible teenager?

Pretty much par for the course, but we have a teenage boy (18) and girl (14) and the rule has always been phones are charged overnight downstairs.

Fairly sure they have other devices in their rooms at night if they really want to, but the basic ground rule was set early, never changed, and causes no angst.

Eldest finishes A levels in 3 weeks and will then have a tough 2-3 months while we get him menu planning, cooking, washing and cleaning before he goes to uni and living independently.

Yes, we are bastards to our kids.

Whatever else, checking your phone constantly during the night does no one any good and I can’t seeing it ending well.

I fully agree, but communicating that to a 14-year-old stepdaughter in a way that doesn’t cause a massive row, threats to self-harm, flouncing to grandparents etc is the tricky bit. As others have said, unless it’s in place from a younger age, that ship has sailed. Trouble is, she has now learned what levers to pull to reverse unpopular decisions.

In short, you’re not overreacting in the normal, rational, world, but you are overreacting in the world of teenagers.

The other issue is that, in the end, it is down to her mum to set boundaries and back them up, and not yours. Obviously, all families are different, but trying to impose your discipline on a step-child in situations where your partner would be more flexible/conciliatory will just offer your teenager the chance to play you off against each other, and possibly undermine your relationship.

Is my 15 year old daughter living in your house? Sounds just like her.

We do have screen time set on her phone though. On a school night her phone turns off most apps from 10.30pm – 7.30am. She still has access to Calm app, news and music but no social media. This, as default, caused big arguments when we introduced it but is now kind of accepted.

Bullying, abuse, intimidation and people making you feel like crap used to be restricted to school and social time. Now it is on the phone so will be the last thing kids see at night or the first thing you see in morning. Phones are addictive, especially Snap Chat and TikTok which is about instant short term gratification. My daughters are actually happier when they have access to this limited. They don’t realise that, but we see it.

Doesn’t stop her telling me I’m the worse Dad in the world though.

to the OP.
you are allowed to feel annoyed at stuff that causes you more work. Directing it at your teenager, even if they are to blame will not be fruitful.
You can vent to your partner, or mates, or anyone (on here even), as long as they’re also clear that you are venting and there is no resentment toward teenage daughter. you can turn it into humour if that helps. We’ve a standing joke in our house about the mysteron rings of chocolate sprinkles that appear on worktops every morning. it is the tip of the iceberg, but we also want her to feel safe enough to be able to come to us when she really needs help.

Teenagers are all over the place and can quite quickly feel that they have no one to turn to, especially if they’re ‘constantly’ (read: not constantly) being chastised for something. I don’t think I’m alone in feeling that with a teenager, you’re on a knife edge between them being OK, and them spiraling away down a rabbit hole of harm.

How about trying to reach a compromise whereby you will allow the constant internet access if she will help out around the house – create an atmosphere where you treat each other with more trust and respect.

Not my experience but my brother has just been through all this, it went badly for a while, but he changed tack (ie he stopped doing what you are doing right now) and things went a lot better.

First you need to stop judging and start empathising.

You are not her Dad, you will never feel the same way about her as her mum does, its just a fact. I’m not saying you will not be there for her, lay your life down even, but its not the same.

With that in mind, why do you need to discipline her at all, its Mum’s issue, your job is to support her, end of.

She is currently winning and has beaten you at your own game.
So why not start doing activities she might be interested in, board games, console games, similar movies/netflix taste.

Self fulfilled prophecy
I am tired and stressed and i have to be online at 0300 to be able to overcome the tiredness and the stress and the volatility that accompanies being over tired and stressed
Spray all her going out clothes with fart spray
Hth

“Sure at 8 you can do that, but not now…That ship’s sailed. And “non-negotiable” is not a thing that’s ever been a success with any teenager.”

My gut feeling is that in 10 years social media will be viewed like smoking in terms of the damage done to (mental) health. When you look at the statistics coming out with respect to self-harm, depression and suicide in teenagers… I am not prepared to admit defeat on the issue. Sorry to be preachy…

… and expect a post on here from me in a couple of years complaining that my teenagers despise me.

2 daughters (both now in their 20’s)

Standard stuff as I remember, one had issues with food (not eating it) and climbing out her bedroom window when grounded. Other had soooo many issues difficult to list them all, self harm, wrong friends, no friends. I was reliably told on many occasions I worst the worst dad in the world (possibly true but I’ve not met them all). The arguments over wifi and phones – normal. Child-line was called for me abusing her (turning off wifi!) It did get a lot worse in monthly-cycles and they went from bad to evil overnight.

Both now grounded successful women who make me proud every day.

Don’t envy you but it does get better.

My 17, nearly 18 y/o daughter is no issue, the 20 y/o son is a nightmare. Want’s internet all night, but he’s next to our room gaming.

Lost his job at the start of lockdown because he couldn’t work from home – no self discipline and had only been in the job 6 months so they got rid, plus Iwas getting him up for work every day. Since then he’s had a part time job delivering pizza. Same attitude, I want to stay up all night – we’re all working from home/daughter at college.

Thing is he didn’t help out in the house at all, bedroom is a sh1t tip, and we had to wake him up for pizza delivery. I fitted a smart wall socket that we control access to power for his gaming PC, so it goes off at midnight. It’s not alright someone being up all night disturbing sleep. It’s driven me over the edge trying to be reasonable.

I’ve told him to leave once, and before that I walked out with the intention of not coming back – TBH with the stresses of lockdown it’s not done anyone good, and I’m awaiting a prescription for AD’s – I can’t cope with it all. He’s farked his car up twice – fist time wouldn’t listen to me when his car needed a small part in the suspension – ended up costing me hundreds as he wouldn’t take it to a garage as he insisted on doing it (so I had to bail him out and buy new tyres (in November). He left it so long getting the car tracked, the fronts were dead in 6 months, so cost me again for a set of 4. Just started a new job, full time last week, he, for some reason, decides to re-programme the ECU.

He’s ‘bricked it’ – and Skoda want £1,200 to fix. He’s bought two new ECU’s but they are all coded as are parts, so needs to get the bloody thing to a garage for re-flashing. He’s now on the train for work, and can’t keep his part time delivery going as has no car. My wife’s just said ‘don’t even go there’ about talking about it as I’ll lose my rag.

I had to take the week off last week to get away, before I killed him.

All (mostly) good advice above. Nothing to add, except that it does get better. My daughter and I were incompatible for a year when she was 12/13 – too similar I suspect. My (incredibly wise) wife moderated and told me it would get better, and it did. She’s a lovely 21 year old now, and we get along brilliantly.

My advice – marry a professional teenager wrangler (high school teacher), and let them handle it.

Social Media doesn’t help.

Bloody nightmare are teenagers – I hope mine grow out of it, son hasn’t had the ‘lightbulb’ moment yet.

My (incredibly wise) wife moderated and told me it would get better, and it did. She’s a lovely 21 year old now

21 year old wife? Back of the net!

Interesting responses. Not what I expected from the STW uberparenting posse.

Essentially let the kids do what they want as anything else is too much hassle..

It’s kind of up to her Mum.
You stick to
– setting a good example in your own behaviour (model what you want the kids to grow up to be like)
– backing up her Mum (“I can see you’re upset SD, but I do think your Mum has a point because X”)
– be calm and civil and if in doubt bite your lip and say nothing!
– be aware that because she’s your OH’s ex’s kid, it’s pretty common to find her hard to tolerate – the natural “I see my younger self in you” feelings that help parents tolerate teenagers aren’t there. Not your fault or hers, just how the cookie crumbled.

Oh and maybe work out how to put a timer on the router and convincingly claim you know nothing about it ? 😈

21 year old wife? Back of the net!

Jeez. How did I not see that coming 🙂

Grammar school education too 🙁

Proud keeper of a 15 year old Son here.

They’re a nightmare.

They’ll use any excuse to get their way.

Yes that makes it incredibly hard to know when they’re telling the truth.

They’ll push buttons for a reaction.

Causing a division between parents will usually end up with them getting their way.

Don’t give them unlimited internet access, because they’ll spend all night chatting shit with their friends or on Tik Tok, they’ll tell you they can self-regulate, but they can’t.

My gut feeling is that in 10 years social media will be viewed like smoking in terms of the damage done to (mental) health. When you look at the statistics coming out with respect to self-harm, depression and suicide in teenagers… I am not prepared to admit defeat on the issue. Sorry to be preachy…

That’s not what the latest studies say:

https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-56970368

Anyway, as the father of two daughters (21 and 17yrs old) I’d say that’s pretty standard behaviour for a teenager. One minute it’s all smiles, then next Satan himself has possessed them and you better watch out 🙂

So as long as she’s doing well at school, and you don’t see any real evidence of self-harm/drug use/anorexia etc., I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Do tell her to empty the laundry/dishwasher/whatever, but don’t expect it to happen every time. And if she misses breakfast because she’s putting on her makeup, that’s her problem when she’s starving later…

let the kids do what they want as anything else is too much hassle..

I didn’t know my Wife had a STW account.

martin_t

My gut feeling is that in 10 years social media will be viewed like smoking in terms of the damage done to (mental) health. When you look at the statistics coming out with respect to self-harm, depression and suicide in teenagers… I am not prepared to admit defeat on the issue. Sorry to be preachy…

… and expect a post on here from me in a couple of years complaining that my teenagers despise me.

I can’t help thinking you are correct.

My daughters are actually happier when they have access to this limited. They don’t realise that, but we see it.

I get a bit of blissful happiness from time to time if I can prise him away riding but that’s before the social media depravation kick in… then it’s like a switch… “got to go home now..need to check my social media”

The biggest thing I take away from this thread is how many of us are the worlds worse dad ever !!!

and how lucky I have been with my 2 x daughters (although with 1 at 17, there is time for it to go all Peter Tongue yet ) 🙁

You are not her Dad, you will never feel the same way about her as her mum does, its just a fact.

This is not a fact!