Sorry – toilet (non) etiquette = mental illness? Your thoughts gang

We’ve got a couple of different Phantoms at work at the minute, there’s one who I’m almost certain must be eating polystyrene as the buoyancy of his deposits is incredible, I attempted 3 flushes when happening upon one the other day, presumably he had tried at least one flush so 4 flushes and it was still bobbing, I threw in the towel (not literally) and opted for Trap #2

the other “phantom” appears to have some sort of disorder or strange diet whereby a single super dense log is produced (it looks like every 48 – 82 Hrs) which is so resistant to the initial flush that it’s just left to fester turning the water the same shade of turgid Dark, Dark brown – looks horrific, one glance and I’m off to seek another trap, I’m reasonably sure that light actually has trouble escaping these…

So my eyes are peeled for 2 other employees – one living on packaging materials and helium infused soft drinks, the other dining on Stout, Tar and Evil – As yet I have no prime candidate…

my 15 year old sprog blocks toilets with prize marrow sized dumps with regularity… we have had to call for help in hotels.

“The hunt for brown october”…

There should be a permanant poo based thread on every internet forum, a “sticky” seems so appropriate. Ivespent the lasr 20mins sniggering as i read through this

2 years ago I had the misfortune of sharing a house with a phantom pooer. I was the only one off the suspect list as the first criminal act was laid whilst I was away for a week. It was still there winking at everyone upon my return.
Nothing would get rid of it, we threw all sorts of chemicals down the loo to try and weaken its solidity but to no avail, instead it would slowly erode with each flush.
I questioned my four housemates and all denied it was them, two were ruled out as they only used the downstairs toilet, leaving ‘Miss. A’ and ‘Mr. B’ in the equation.
In the meantime our ‘sixth’ housemate was christened Pierre the Poo and we charged for photos to be taken with him. He would leave every now and again, often for a short trip around the u-bend to creep back up whilst we celebrated his departure.
Eventually it was decided that Miss. A’s poor diet of boiled sausages and potato, or rice and cheese, or rice, chicken and cheese, probably had something to do with it….

On an aside my brother shows pictures of his impressive poos around the dinner table…

Last year when I worked at an academy in London I found myself caught short in between theory lessons. I popped into the staff toilets to lay cable with the hope that my ‘special (pl)ops mission’ would be done and dusted with speed and stealth. I open the second cubicle to be confronted with what can only be described as a ‘dead otter’; a complete turd, streamlined and smooth, that was both past the U-bend and coming out of the top of the toilet itself. I have never seen anything like it in my life, and after looking for a body in the close vicinity I reported it to the caretaker, who promptly dealt with it with a spade and some litter picking tongs….

Frightening that someone could survive a total faecal egression of over 2ft long and not need hospitalisation…

In the middle of the Southern Ocean on a slightly bare essentials expedition’yacht’ we had a questionable deposit floating up and down the deck for approx 3 days. It clung on to the lee deck through typical Southern Ocean conditions. It would flow up to the bows then get swept back towards the cockpit.

The heads (toilet) on the yacht was never used in the 4 month trip as a) it didn’t work and b) you couldn’t actually get to it. So all toilet related activity was performed over the side. I got called a wuss on one watch because I had a case of the squits and resorted to using a bucket in the cockpit. When performing over the side timing was critical and we almost lost one chap as the fittings on the yacht were circumspect and he was leaning on the handrail when it gave way….

H3. CONSTIPATION AND INCONTINENCE
H3a. Functional Constipation
Diagnostic criteria* Must include two or more of the following in a child with a
developmental age of at least 4 years with insuf?cient criteria
for diagnosis of IBS:
?. Two or fewer defecations in the toilet per week
?. At least one episode of fecal incontinence per week
?. History of retentive posturing or excessive volitional stool retention
?. History of painful or hard bowel movements
?. Presence of a large fecal mass in the rectum
?. History of large diameter stools which may obstruct the toilet
* Criteria ful?lled at least once per week for at least ? months prior to diagnosi

In tears of laughter reading Bullheart’s post !! 😆

EDIT: Splat, go away with your scientific reasoning, this thread is not the place for it… 😉 😆

😆 just makes me laugh that a group of top drs have come up with a diagnostic criteria which includes toilet blockage. I will grow up one day.

This thread has brought back a memory of a summers evening in The Church Inn (Prestwich) in 1989. A few of us were sat in the beer garden with a cold beverage when Sean the glass collector (think CAMRA Timelord with Jack Duckworth glasses and a penchant for T shirts with pictures of aeroplane on them) came out in a bit of a state. “Who the bloody hell has done that?” he shouted.

Out of curiosity we went to have a look, and there in trap 1 (of 1) was a turd that resembled a CO2 fire extinguisher in both colour and size, and by all accounts density but I’ll get to that later.

After a couple of hours of Sean interrogating the entire clientele of the pub in a manner that earned him the nickname Turdfinder General and several dozen attempted flushes he gave up and had to take matters into his own hands. He disappeared into one of the outbuildings and returned wearing a set of rubber gloves that went up to his shoulders. He then went off to club the seal.

He was gone for ages.

When he returned he announced that he had lifted it out and broken it into 3 so that he could flush it away in instalments.

The Stone Roses, a girl named Karen and Sean’s battle with The Monster Turd are my abiding memories of that summer. Happy days.

Bullheart. Brilliant piece of pooey prose.

HtS – love that tale. The pot collector asking the pub patrons who’s left a massive turd in the bog. And bless him – even on £1.30 and hour he was prepared to decommision the sub.

I’ve (just) managed to keep a straight face through most of this, but

He then went off to club the seal.

… defeated me. I’ve just burst out laughing in an open plan office, and had to try and disguise it as a coughing fit.

There should be a permanant poo based thread on every internet forum

This isn’t the first we’ve had. For your viewing pleasure:

http://singletrackworld.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/

http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/providing-a-stool-sample-serious-question

Probably NSFW. Not because of offensive content, but because you’ll get funny looks off your colleagues.

Harry – tell us more about Karen 😉

I don’t want you “banking” one of my memories. 😯

Had to stop reading this during the minutes silence in the office 😯

A few years ago at Mountain Mayhem, amongst the queues for the showers, one cubicle remained empty, the door swinging in the breeze. A constant stream of new queue arrivals would take the opportunity and enter the portal, but after a few moments the door would bang open and they would rush out to join the rest waiting.

Upon inspection it transpired someone had managed to extrude a perfect brown Mr Whippy, laid AT EYE LEVEL, on the shower gel shelf. I’ve always wondered if this was delivered by hand, or whether someone with contortionist chimpanzee abilities had swung from the rooflight to drop their bomb.

It was more than likely someone who attends this forum – so please own up now.

As a regular spectator at the Le Mans 24 hour race every June, the public wc’s can be very interesting, once such tale is:

http://www.lemans2006.co.uk/socks.htm

😯

A few years ago at Mountain Mayhem…

Was this ’04 when it was at Eastnor for the first time?

My wife came back from the showers telling a similar tale.

julesgee – the Le Mans essay is brilliantly funny. Thanks for sharing.

Current damage report from our office toilets: Trap #1 taken out by an airburst – 7″ blast radius.

Clearly no physicists or snooker players here. The sensible and community spirited thing to do here would have been to continue with your intention. However, this time carefully launching your discharge such that it knocked the incumbent through the u-bend. Clearly you need to be careful how you do this, a Newton’s cradle effect might result in your birth merely replacing the previous, however a carefully measured turd would be heavy enough to dislodge the previous yet not be so large as to get wedged. C’mon do it for the team!

Oh, and this has to be the most appropriate tag ever!

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What gets me when you come across an earth core sample is the lack of toilet tissue with it. Yes I am sure some tissue may squeeze through but you’d think that some would be anchored around the beast.

Dirty dirty dirty

(lols at the Sub decommission)