[Closed] Ridiculous, real work emails - WTF?

Had a similar one today. Person has been sick in the Loo, not cleaned up and scarpered. By in the Loo, I mean the room, not in the bowl. On the floor

The was a similar one where someone had pebbledashed the cubicle, then left it

Both in the 'ladies' toilets

So what you are saying is....you both have dirty scutters working at your workplace?

both had to be cleaned up by business support.

There are no cleaners in your place?

Also I have been informed that the gents is sometimes left in a mess and has to be cleaned by the next person.

Has to be cleaned by the next person, really, someone walks in and cleans up someone else's shit before using the loo? They can't just go elsewhere?

A colleague received this one the other day:

Subject: Incident ref xxxxxxx

Message: Sorry, my fault, added correct parameter, but after not before where required, later fixed, but not saved.
Now must be fine. Please retest.

He also received this one:

Subject Program Test manager availability

Message: Apologies - have to reschedule, caught a cold on way to office.

Camera outside the toilet to see who goes in and out would solve all these probs.

[i]Camera outside the toilet to see who goes in and out would solve all these probs. [/i]

Surely the culprit could just blame the previous visitor for doing it and not 'fessing up?

Every time I email something project-related to one of my directors, he forwards me my emails shortly after, with annotation "FYI"...

Camera outside the toilet to see who goes in and out would solve all these probs.

PPTV?

business support.

Sounds like an appropriate specialist role. They move in once you've completed your business, presumably?

There are no cleaners in your place?

Do keep up. "Business support" is the new name for cleaners.

Camera outside the toilet to see who goes in and out would solve all these probs.

Camera inside - Chuck Berry stylee - is obviously needed.

Camera outside the toilet to see who goes in and out would solve all these probs.

Presuming the toilet only has one stall, or do you mean a camera in the toilet?

Camera inside - Chuck Berry stylee - is obviously needed.

That would mean I had no particular place to go.

[i]Camera outside the toilet to see who goes in and out would solve all these probs. [/i]

Also, what if there's a choice of traps?

You'd need to actually tie a person to the specific throne. well associate them, anyway.

Use your staff pass to access loo roll - "swipe to wipe".

Although it's all sounding a bit of a cistern of a down.

The last place I worked at had a phantom shitter. Left the bowl in a right state most days.
I swear they crapped side saddle.

I've no idea what 'Business Support' means either, and I work there, but at a guess I'd say some poor soul on minimum wage who's about 4th in line sub contractor.

There are in said building, with upwards of 70 occupants the following toilets:

Ground floor - Disabled, 1 gents urinal & 1 gents stall, Ladies loo - 2 stalls at a guess

First floor - 2 gents stalls, 2 ladies stalls, again at a guess

I've just emptied out the office fridge of "food-stuffs" out of Use-by date.
My email telling the office that i was going to do this was titled "You won't need to buy Imodium tomorrow".
It was pretty worrying that there was a tub of soup with Use-by 20 June, and chicken drumsticks dated 5 July...

People's behaviour in the office beggars belief. A previous workplace - we had a phantom shitter who would, without fail, manage to block the trap with what looked and acted like liquid concrete. Intermittently they'd liven things up by smearing the wall too. We never managed to track down the culprit despite various attempts at covert monitoring. Cost a fortune in plumbers and decorators bills.

It amazes me the way people, nominally intelligent and able to keep themselves (relatively) clean and well laundered, treat an office. Be it in the kitchen, the traps, the showers or generally.

I've had to abandon a few floaters of late. Flush not up to spec.

Trick is to wash your hands at a basin farthest from that cubicle so anyone walks in doesn't suspect you. Maybe. Maybe I don't care

I worked in a bank for a while, the number two (intended) bank in the country in question where there were notices in the gents about the actions of the phantom crapper. It was thought that they were standing on the bowl and weren't a very good shot.

Poonami.

[img] [/img]

I may have left a sign saying "The shit coffee is free. This nice coffee is mine. If you want free coffee take the shit stuff". In the jar of coffee obviously. I'm becoming one of Them.

When we sold our last house in SA before coming to Spain a couple looking at the property brought a child with them who suddenly needed to go.

I can't imagine how the little boy produced what we found left in our toilet after they all left. He must have been a human tardis.

21 minutes and no ones FTFY'd that to turdis. Must be home time or something.

Working in FM I've seen some sights in office toilets!

Last office there was a lady/ladies with a penchant for leaving used tampons in the middle of the toilet floor. We ended up having to put up signs requesting they use the bins provided

a customer quite a while back had deep white shag pile carpet in the toilet, and refused to allow me to use the toilet for a wee, just in case i had a poor aim, had to drive to local public toilet to have a wee.

I may have left a sign saying "The shit coffee is free. This nice coffee is mine. If you want free coffee take the shit stuff". In the jar of coffee obviously. I'm becoming one of Them.

At work, I have ketchup and some nuclear chilli sauce in the cupboard. I got fed up with getting two squirts out of the ketchup bottle before having to replace the mysteriously empty bottle, so now I still have ketchup and chilli sauce in the cupboard, but decanted into each other's bottles.

The staff toilet in one of the a&e's I used to work from had a handy laminated a4 sign that had a picture of a poo (with eye's, of course) with an arrow pointing from the poo to a picture of a toilet. It used to make me think 'c'mon we are staff, surly we can do better than this'. 🙂

In the jar of coffee obviously.

If your coffee comes in a jar, it's shit coffee too 🙂

We have a phantom toilet roll stuffer at work. Does the whole of an industrial size roll then legs it.

We used to have a lady who laid out her poos on the window sill, but she's gone now.

We had a great email round the office explaining that the gents was out of action as someone had blocked it with an orange. For the second time that month.

Edit: I think I mentioned this previously resulting in the genius reply "Shatsuma"

am I the only one who actually posted (two) ridiculous emails and aren't talking about sh!tting?

Just when you think the forum has gone a bit boring we get this classic. Good stuff guys and girls by the sounds.

At the last place I worked there used to be emails sent around about certain people 'desecrating' (my term) one of the two ladies loos upstairs, which caused a fair degree of resentment, as the staff are largely female, especially when there are a lot of temps in during busy periods.
No idea who's responsible, but somehow it's not behaviour you really imagine women getting up to.
Liking Cougar's swapping the bottle contents around, reminds me of something the main character in Neil Stephenson's book 'Zodiac' did, putting a bit of tape on his bottle of milk in the fridge with 'milk experiment' written on it; he was a biochemist, so the threat was fairly real... 😈

Pan cam is the only way of getting to the bottom of this outrage.

CountZero, surely you mean 'defecrating'!

which caused a fair degree of resentment, as the staff are largely female, especially when there are a lot of temps in during busy periods

Surely during busy periods they're all skydiving, roller skating with dogs, having long boozy lunches with their girlfriends in glorious sunshine, running on a beach, playing volleyball or climbing? That's what the adverts say anyway.

People lay a cushion for their plops to land on? I never thought of that, i wonder what proportion of people do that.

Once a secretary sent an email saying a toilet was out of action and an engineer has been called to fix it, this turned into an arguement btween her and a pedantic professional engineer who was insisting that it is a texhnician and not an engineer who fixes plumbing, with all 600 people in the office copied in.

There was another email which accidently copied in the $all-staff contact (2000 people), then a bunch of people replied all asking why they had the email, then a bunch of people replied all saying do you realise that you replied all. The whole thing snowballed, everybodies inbox exploded, the email servers became overloaded and there was complete organisational chaos for a few hours just from that one email.

I don't understand how that works, every time I poo it always hits the backboard

Pan cam is the only way of getting to the bottom of this outrage.

I read that as Pam Cam.

[img] [/img]

Nom

Got this today.

Hi All,

With POKEMON Go causing some disruption within the building, this is a gentle reminder that such games should not be played within working hours or on work premises.

Can we ensure we keep the Pokémon Go craze out of the working environment please.

Thanks

I worked in a large IT department a few years ago. We brought in an outsourcing partner from outside the UK and had several incidents people #2ing in urinals. Thankfully I never saw anyone doing the deed!

Their company used to send out emails on toilet etiquette, how to queue, how to eat lunch etc.

I hate to imagine what some of these people's homes are like! 😯

[quote=squirrelking ]Pan cam is the only way of getting to the bottom of this outrage.
I read that as Pam Cam.

sploooosh

It was pretty worrying that there was a tub of soup with Use-by 20 June, and chicken drumsticks dated 5 July

no problem eating those after a quick smell test

I've eaten a 4 month old trifle before with no ill effects

Back in the 70s when newly-rich Gulf Arabs started finding their way to London there were all kinds of toilet disaster stories circulating, probably because some of the visitors had never seen a WC pan before. Everybody has nowadays so I can't imagine what the houses of some folk must be like.

I received my first 'I will reach out to you' email this morning.
Before I had chance to compose my witty response, he called me. He then used phrases such as 'solution focussed' and 'deep partnership'.

I feel dirty.

He only wants to sell me a new website.

Mate, if he wants a "deep partnership" I think he wants more than you suspect...

We had an email reminding us not to use the microwave to heat food that has a smell, as the kitchen smelt of someone's lunch and caused someone offence.

We received a gem of an email a few years ago from the most straight laced Director in world that was along the lines of:

Unfortunately one of the admin staff received a blow up man doll in the Secret Santa distribution of gifts. She is not amused. All staff must refrain from including sex toys in the Secret Santa or this well meaning exchange of gifts will be banned in future years.

We got one from one of the Office Admin staff about how to use a dishwasher and the special signs she'd made to notify people of how to use it.

Something along the line of "if the wash light is on do not open the door", it amazes me how people have enough time to come up with, print off, laminate, attach the signs and then email everyone about it.

We had a boss who used to hate us using the microwave for heating smelly food
For 2 weeks after that email I ate nothing but bagged kippers in work 😀
We don't have a phantom poo leaver in our current office. We have the phantom "bogey wiper on the walls"
Signs have been left!!

To quote someone

Whoever microwaves fish at work should be killed

it amazes me how people have enough time to come up with, print off, laminate, attach the signs and then email everyone about it.

It amazes me that these passive-aggressive signs are necessary. I despair daily for the future of the human race.

We have people who can't use a microwave; I've watched them press the '30 seconds' button and stand there waiting, then when it dings immediately press it again, rinse and repeat for five minutes. The fridge has a few buttons on the front of it, including one to toggle between an ice / water dispenser; pretty much daily I have to reset the fridge temperature because someone's randomly pressed all the other buttons. Someone dumps tea bags in the sink; what do they think is going to happen, maybe the dog poo fairy has a daytime job? Folk who put plates flat in the dishwasher, four plates means it's ****ing full so then I've got to wade through their filth to make room for my bowl. But it's ok, because the sink makes for a handy dumping ground for those who can't be bothered to even try to make it to the dishwasher which is a foot away. Half the teaspoons look like Uri Geller works here as some **** wrings out their teabags with the force of a thousand elephants. We're on our third set of taps in as many months because someone has turned one [i]the wrong way [/i] sufficiently hard enough to shear off the entire head of the tap. The kettle has a warning sign on it that the water is hot; it's a GODS DAMNED KETTLE and if you don't know hot water comes out of it you shouldn't be out of the ****ing house unaccompanied AAAARGH WHATTHECLUCKISWRONGWITHPEOPLE?!!1!?

*breathes*

These threads are just brilliant. Thanks all. 😀

Pre-email, but a well known arts establishment I used to work at apparently had a female employee who used to write abusive poetry.

On the toilet wall.

Using her own poo.

Cougar, do you work here?
[img] [/img]

We were sent this from another building of ours...

Over the last few weeks there has been a spate of anti-social behaviour in xx House. This has been concentrated around the WC facilities.

This includes:

• Faecal smearing on the walls and sanitary fittings.
• Faeces placed in bins and under bin liners.
• Faeces wrapped in toilet roll and placed in between the clean paper towels stored in the WC’s.

This anti-social behaviour is taking place in this building during the working day. This behaviour is unacceptable and must stop immediately.

If this continues further we will have no alternative but to secure the WC facilities at all times and staff working in this building will be required to sign for and return the key via the Reception in order to access the WC facilities in xxHouse.

They were never caught.

We don't have a phantom poo leaver in our current office. We have the phantom "bogey wiper on the walls"

We do too - it's rank. The walls in trap 1,2 and 3 are covered in their dried, crispy boogers. One of the young lads discovered it this when resting his hand on the wall to have a pee...

We used to have someone who used to lay the biggest cables ever and leave them for the rest of us to admire / try and get rid of. They were huge. Massive in fact. Terrifyingly so.

It is odd what supposedly educated, professional people think it is OK to do at work.

Sat here typing this having had to clean up a big pool of piss on the work loo cubicle floor and all over the seat and lid. Don't understand how people can leave it in such a state. Emails like the OP's are frequent here 🙁

This email landed this week;

'It has been noted that some employee defecates (excretes) in communal shower stall, apart from being a health hazard it is also an act of disgrace within our community.

Please refrain from such an act, investigation will be done and disciplinary action instituted against the culprits.

It should be noted that there are sufficient toilets around the mine which should be used hygienically to avoid spread of communicable and gastronomy diseases.'

Gastronomy diseases? 😆 I'd be bringing sandwiches if I were you

Gotta wonder who the target audience is.

I mean, are there really people who will read these emails and think "oh wow, I had no idea that I wasn't supposed to smear my bodily excretions on the walls, I'll stop doing it immediately!" Surely it's about as effective a deterrent as whining about it on an Internet forum.

It seems the bogey man is present amongst our staff. I say this because there is a noticeable trail of nasal crusts hanging off the walls in the ground floor toilets.

If you spot him, please ask him to leave.

Alternatively, if you are said bogey man, then stop being such a heinous t**t and use tissue or alternatively eat it, it’ll do you no harm, I can get my 3 year old to show you how to do both of these executions.

With kind regards.

Had this one land this morning from one of our management team

Have any phantom smearers ever been caught? We had one in a place I worked at years ago who was never apprehended and that seems to be the case everywhere. You'd think it'd be the case of just finding the bloke who smelt a bit pooey but it's apparently a lot harder than that.

We had an email reminding us not to use the microwave to heat food that has a smell, as the kitchen smelt of someone's lunch and caused someone offence.

Open floor office with kitchen area also open plan, off to one side. One of the traders took to eating steamed brocolli, greens and kippers for breakfast. After he'd boiled them to death in the microwave.

I forget whether it was the 3rd or 4th morning before there were sufficient threats made to his person that he promised not to do it again.

We used to have someone who used to lay the biggest cables ever and leave them for the rest of us to admire / try and get rid of. They were huge. Massive in fact. Terrifyingly so.

One of my daughters, ever since she's been toilet trained, has always been able to lay the most astoundingly large creations. My poor father-in-law at one point used to keep a wire coat hanger in the bathroom solely for the purpose of making them flushable.

Discovering yet another 'dead otter' gets tired pretty quickly and the institution of a household-wide fines system has put paid to this at home. Shame it wouldn't work in the office.

Woffle, I'm laughing so hard it hurts now !

Dead otter indeed...

Someone else was making similar observations about their kids creations on another thread, referring to their beloved child as a Human Tardis as there was no way "that" amount of poo could appear from a normal child...

You go to the toilet to "do your business" ergo: "business support"

Perfectly logical!

Finally got some secretatarial/admin help for our growing group of construction managers, one of the roles is to take meeting notes and prepare the draft minutes...

First CM group meeting goes okay, lots discussed and notes taken

24 hours later, email comes in from the admin person 'Would you all please send me a summary of what you spoke about, your issues and actions items so I can draft the minutes"

Alternatively, if you are said bogey man, then stop being such a heinous t**t and use tissue or [b]alternatively eat it, it’ll do you no harm[/b], I can get my 3 year old to show you how to do both of these executions

that would be wrong

Remember at the old work place getting an email asking us to refrain from urinating in the bin for the paper towels as it was getting filled with smelly liquid frequently, the mind boggled

that would be wrong

S'not.

Dead otter

We used to refer to the creations as the Exxon Valdez - normally because they'd be left there long enough to start leaking...

Cougar - Moderator

that would be wrong

S'not.

ha ha ha ha ,tis(sue) though

Whoever was in this trap prior must have been out last night as its stinks of booze !

When I was an apprentice I used to sneak into the directors toilet, do a shit in one trap then go to the next one to wipe. This was before email was invented though.

Unfortunately one of the admin staff received a blow up man doll in the Secret Santa distribution of gifts. She is not amused.

Couldn't she just have asked who wanted to trade their gift for it? Trading gifts is good - less wastage.

Apparently we had a poo incident at work yesterday. This is a busy office building so how they didn't get seen I have no idea.

Someone, we assume it's a woman, took a dump in the main women's loo on the second floor then smeared some of it around the cubicle and the walls outside. They then left the toilet carrying a sizeable chunk of poo, walked into the finance department and dropped it on the floor.