Red Dwarf – best moments & quotes?

Rimmer: where did you get these learning drugs from, Lister? I want names, i want places, i want dates!

Lister: Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning.

Dog milk

Nothing wrong with dog milk. It’s full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marabone jelly.

I don’t know who you are, but boarding this vessel is an act of war. Ergo we surrender!

“Stay back, Pete Tranter’s sister”.

“Ahhh Smug Mode”

Used regularly at work 😀

So what is it?

I’ve come to look upon you all as people I met

I once caught a 12lb black ribbed knobbler

LISTER: What, we used to do it all the time, back home. We used to go
down to the canal. Never any fish in that! We used to go condom
fishing. I swear! One time I caught this two-pound black ribbed
nobler! It was about that big! (Holds hands about half a meter
apart.)

KRYTEN: I think we’ve experienced this period of time before, Sir.

I did all the laundry, and then we watched TV. Wow, we won’t see the like of those days again.

From White Hole as well I think

So what is it?

That’s about the fifth time you’ve posted that, and it’s made me laugh every time!

We attack tomorrow, under cover of daylight. It’s the last thing they’ll be expecting; a daylight charge across the minefield.

KRYTEN:
I’ve never seen anything like this before. A group of men who display all the normal life-signs, but seem totally incapable of movement.

HOLLY:
Never seen QPR play away, then?

Listen buddy; we all feel peckish after making love, but most of us settle for pizza!

I’m so gorgeous, there’s a six month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear, every time I am near!

“No way are these my pants, they bend!”

And

“Where’s my pea gone, I earnt that pea and I’m going to eat no matter where it is etc”

“It landed amongst your dirty socks”

“I’ll stick with the toast”

And

“Super”

And

“Boys from the dwarf”

That’s about the fifth time you’ve posted that, and it’s made me laugh every time!

Aaaaand that one.

” Broadcast on all frequencies and all known languages, including Welsh. ” – RIMMER, Legion

RIMMER: “Over the years I’ve come to regard you all as… people… I… met.”

Lister: “It’s Winnie the Pooh!”

Rimmer: He’s got a skullet.
Lister: A skull what?
Rimmer: A bald mullet. A skullet. Bald at the front, mullet at the back. You wouldn’t want to go out in public with this guy.

“But where do all the calculators go?”

Either Mr Rimmer had the incredible good fortune to land on a populated planet, or – Or what? – It’s too hideous to contemplate.

From rimmerworld , I think my favourite episode is marooned though

TTIWWG!

KRYTEN: Well, is anything the matter?
RIMMER: Anything the matter? They’re dead.
KRYTEN: Who’s dead?
RIMMER: (Pointing to the skeletons) _They_ are dead. They’re all dead.
KRYTEN: My god! Well, I was only away two minutes!

They’ve been dead ages!

Are you a doctor?

He’s dead Dave, everybody’s dead, everybody is dead Dave.

Wait a minute Hol, are you trying to tell me everybody’s dead?

Rimmer: I just wanted to say that, over the years, I have come to regard you as … people I met.

Or after he’s made solid…

Kryten , Unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit!

“Mr Flibble is very cross, you shouldn’t have run away from him. What are we going to do with them Mr Flibble?”
< Mr Flibble whispers >
“We can’t possibly do that! Who’d clear up the mess?”

Every sailing boat I have owned has been called “polymorph”… 8)

“Ah, so you’re a waffle man!”

Lister very carefully measuring out vindaloo curry powder.

“So simple Lister can understand”

Not quite right but the one below too…

“I’m trying to navigate a ship the size of a small city through speeds never previously encountered by human kind. By the time we’ve seen something we’ve already passed through it. Even with an IQ of 6000 is still brown trouser time”.

Lister on death…

If he comes near me I am going to rip his nipples off.

Holly did Rimmer never work in garbage disposal?

So what is it?

alphabet head

I’m gonna eat you little fishy, I’m gonna eat you little fishy, I’m gonna eat you little fishy because I like eating fish.

I am Holly, the ship’s computer, with an IQ of 6000.

The same IQ as 6000 PE teachers

From Gunmen of the apocalypse (Rimmer to Lister) –
It’s pathetic watching you grind away day after day. It’s like a dog that’s missing it’s masters leg. That groinal attachment’s supposed to have a lifetimes gurantee, you’ve worn it out in nearly three weeks.

Tongue tied, although not strictly a quote.

Rimmer: “I’ve seen Westerns, I know how to speak cowboy.”
[Steps up to the bar]
Rimmer: “Dry white wine and Perrier, please.”

Kryton: I knew I was lying. No silicon heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go?

I am Holly, the ship’s computer, with an IQ of 6000.

The same IQ as 6000 PE teachers

I am Holly, the ship’s computer, with an IQ of 6000.

The same IQ as 12000 supermarket trolley attendants.