Really struggling

Well, I managed to get out the back and clean my bike. It had been annoying me sitting in the state it was.

I often forget that I should be just enjoying the fact that I am riding my bike. I place too much pressure to be a better rider, go faster on the downs, pedal all the way to the top. Always feel like I’m being judged, and holding people up. And doing one ride a month which is a big all day ride, is probably a bit much. As much as I have enjoyed those rides, having smaller/shorter rides should help.

Sounds like you may enjoy a short-ish ride with a bunch of non-judgemental old fat bastards then.

Join us if you fancy it.

Your call.

There’s lots of good stuff on this thread already so I’ll just say ‘hi’ as someone who’s also experienced depression (and other mental health conditions still ongoing) as well as a nervous breakdown at work. As has already been said admitting a problem and starting to share it is probably the biggest step, so well done. I’ve received a lot of benefit in the past from support groups (scary if, like me, you’re a bit shy & nervous) not least ‘normalising’ my condition and finding out that what I was experiencing was surprisingly common and that I wasn’t some sort of oddball

I have been put off massively going to my GP. My last few visits which were about my back injury, I mentioned my anxiety and depression and both times it was dismissed.

It’s a shame but hardly unheard of. One of the problems with GPs is the “General” part of their title and most would freely admit that mental health isn’t a strong point. GPs are, however usually, the gatekeepers to more specialist services (such as counselling and Community Mental Health Teams) and can prescribe medications such as antidepressants (which some people take issue with, but I found to be really helpful – I’m currently on lifetime meds. for other MH issues and they really help). If you feel able to go back to the GPs do try a different one; out local surgery’s website lists our GPs and their specialities/interests so you might find one with a MH interest. A GP who’ll take mental health seriously is a godsend, so I do hope that you find one.

Good luck.

You weren’t holding me up on that Nan Bield loop from Staveley, I seem to remember getting dropped on the climb and you breathing down my neck on the descent until my OTB.

😉

FWIW I know what you mean about comparing yourself to others’ riding. I’ve been less troubled by such thoughts since I had an epiphany and gave up enduro racing a couple of years ago. There are just too many people faster than me to make it worth caring now!

Thanks again for all the messages. Feeling a bit more normal, now that I’ve been reading through the replies. I know I need to explore options with my GP again.

You weren’t holding me up on that Nan Bield loop from Staveley, I seem to remember getting dropped on the climb and you breathing down my neck on the descent until my OTB.

😉

I was surprised that I managed the majority of that climb. I guess there is some fitness buried somewhere. Less so now. And apologies again for not catching it on the GoPro…..

st colin – you have taken a massive step in reaching out to STW.

As above, visit the doctor or ask for the practise nurse.

Get yourself out into some sort of greenery, somewhere with trees, fields, sit down and look at the flowers, birds and nature. Something small such as sitting by a river or stream is so calming and easy to do.

If you really are struggling then call the samaritans 116 123 they are there to chat to and maybe can help with some little everyday things to get you through.

bunnyhop x

People often say ‘oh I’m so slow, I don’t want to hold you up’ on bike rides. But there are two key points here:

1) No-one goes on a social ride to train. I do that on my own, if I’ve asked you on a ride or agreed to go on with you it’s cos I want your company, not because I want to go fast.

2) You’d have to be a right bastard to make someone feel bad about being slow. And no-one needs bastards as friends, so don’t ride with these people.

Get yourself out into some sort of greenery, somewhere with trees, fields, sit down and look at the flowers, birds and nature. Something small such as sitting by a river or stream is so calming and easy to do

This is something that I have found helpful before. I have so much on my doorstep.

And no-one needs bastards as friends, so don’t ride with these people

Thankfully I’ve only met a few of these types. And not rubbed shoulders since.

It will be dark on Monday. Sorry.

FWIW I know what you mean about comparing yourself to others’ riding. I’ve been less troubled by such thoughts since I had an epiphany and gave up enduro racing a couple of years ago. There are just too many people faster than me to make it worth caring now!

Maybe this is something that is having a negative effect on me. I tried racing about 6 years ago and really enjoyed that access to trails I got, and I mainly enjoyed the atmosphere. The racing part was okay at the time, I feel that going against the clock makes me push myself, but afterwards I was very very hard on myself. This outwayed the positives.

I’m booked on the 2nd round of the PMBA at Graythwiate. Have been thinking of selling the place.

It will be dark on Monday. Sorry.

I have decent lights. Well, if they still work.

Re the doctor – make an appointment about depression, not your bad back. Take the NHS test first and mention your score. If it’s high (sounds like it will be) that should get things going.

I was there 7 or 8 years ago and am better (if not completely) now. Your GP can help.

All the best,
Murray

Get yourself out into some sort of greenery, somewhere with trees, fields, sit down and look at the flowers, birds and nature. Something small such as sitting by a river or stream is so calming and easy to do.

I’ve had to do just this in my lunch break – admittedly the river running through Livingston is probably one of the least inspiring patches of water but I went down there with a massive slab of chocolate and for a bit I did feel better.

I tend to feel like Ro5ey on the last page at the moment – I do a lot to try and fill the time so my brain isn’t thinking about anything other than the task at hand.

1) No-one goes on a social ride to train. I do that on my own, if I’ve asked you on a ride or agreed to go on with you it’s cos I want your company, not because I want to go fast.

2) You’d have to be a right bastard to make someone feel bad about being slow. And no-one needs bastards as friends, so don’t ride with these people.

there was one guy, a couple of times, who turned up to MNPR rides, proceeded to drop us all in overgrown twisty singletrack and then slagged us off on here the following day.

he was “asked” to not bother coming out with us any more.

tbh this is one of the things that gets my anxiety up to bottling out of ride levels; the possibility that another him is going to turn out and slag me off for being unfit/slow/fat/whatever. and i accept that it’s probably irrational, probably unlikely to happen, but that’s not how my brain sees it sadly. someone, who’s a friend of the mag, wrote a blog about riding HtN a few years ago and said some pretty hurtful stuff in it about some of us non-racer types who were there. i don’t even think he realises how it affected me to read it, especially seeing as how he seemed so supportive on rides, and i genuinely hope he doesn’t really feel that way but again my mind won’t let me fully believe that and it’s that kind of thing that keeps me away from riding, the potential that someone will see me struggling to get up a climb and think it’s something i should be ashamed of.

That’s a big problem with being based at home for work. Some weeks I don’t go out to customers much, others I’m out maybe every day. When I’m at home I quickly spiral into thinking too much and it gets out of hand.

Maybe this is something that is having a negative effect on me. I tried racing about 6 years ago and really enjoyed that access to trails I got, and I mainly enjoyed the atmosphere. The racing part was okay at the time, I feel that going against the clock makes me push myself, but afterwards I was very very hard on myself. This outwayed the positives.

i did a PMBA enduro round at grizedale a few yeara ago and this was exactly how i felt. i mean, it was great- i finished all 5 stages, wasn’t last, sprained my thumb and hit a tree pretty hard but overall i had a great time. after a day or so, with hindsight, i felt i made a complete fool of myself by going. it’s daft.

there was one guy, a couple of times, who turned up to MNPR rides, proceeded to drop us all in overgrown twisty singletrack and then slagged us off on here the following day.

I can only imagine how you and others felt. That’s what I worry about alot. If it means anything, I’ve always had a great ride on any MNPR’s. Really friendly bunch. My last one was last year over around Marple, during the moor fires.

it’s only been one lad, who only came on two rides, and was told to not come any more.
the rest of the time, the MNPR rides and all who come on them are fantastic.

I hate group rides except the few MNPRs I went on. Everyone was great. The ‘road’ ride made me laugh because it was carried out in exactly the same way as MTB rides with everyone stopping at the top of the climbs and the end of the descents. But that’s why it was fun – social rather than chaingang.

Sorry to jump in on this thread -does anyone know eddiebaby (John) personally? Sounds like he needs some help.

Sorry to jump in on this thread -does anyone know eddiebaby (John) personally? Sounds like he needs some help.

No, sorry. Hope he is okay.

Brilliant work on here – not just the supportive messages, though they ARE great, but the honesty and bravery to come out & talk about what’s wrong with ourselves

Me, I’m generally OK. Get my share of being pissed off but I have nothing to compare to you people. I’ve had relatives & friends go through this though, to fairly heavy extents and, God, I WISH THAT I HAD KNOWN EARLIER – that’s why it matters, dicks like me are ten-a-penny; we’re not bastards and we don’t ignore you, we just don’t see the signs

I’m utterly shit at spotting this stuff and so I need help. I want to help my mates, you lot, my family, but I need to know that it’s a real problem and that you need help/ I can’t be anywhere near the only one who’s this shit at it.

That’s why you have to talk about it

On that subject, re eddiebaby; think we need a paging thread ? I’m off to start one.

I hear you, OP. I really do. It’s probably my worst month of the year right now: first, because it always has been, and secondly, because my dad died in March four years ago.

I have been on sertraline for years now, and am currently on 50 mgs (although I have been as high as 150 mgs). I don’t want to up the dose again, but I could probably stand to right about now. In any case, I would say a couple of things:

Please don’t let your GP brush you off. Your mind is suffering in the same way as your body might; they are supposed to help. It’s their job.

And even if it means allowing someone like binners to force you out of the house by coming over, tying on your walking boots, and dragging around the walking trails until you get to a pub, try to take someone up on their offer. It doesn’t cure anything, but it does serve as a reminder that you are not alone. And at least in my more clear-headed moments, this is helpful to remember.

Whatever the case, even if you feel like you’re repeating yourself or being annoying or whatever… don’t stop coming on here! Not that it needs saying again, but this place is great at giving a shit.

Haven;t read the thread properly; but this stood out.

Always feel like I’m being judged, and holding people up

You can’t mindread. so don’t.

If you’re holding people up, ask them if it’s an issue. Ask for an honest repsonse, take the response as honest. You can’t mind read.

Well, I managed to get out the back and clean my bike. It had been annoying me sitting in the state it was.

An excellent step. Things like that are artificial blockers: “Oh I would go for a ride but my bike needs a clean.. the chain needs oiled.. I need to fix that puncture.. I might be unfit.. I need new gloves.. its windy..” etc.

Remove as many of these blockers as you can so you have less excuses to give yourself. Hopefully one day you’ll be sat there going “I would go for a ride but… errr… actually yeah why not?”

I’d honestly say you’re a good fit with the people I’m aware you ride with.

Even when I’ve ridden with people who do slow the group down, it’s only ever become an issue if they’re also a dick in some way.

Anyway, get down the GP again and ask for a different doctor. It can take some time to get access to MH services but making a positive step could be a benefit in itself.

I’ll ping you later sometime.

Even when I’ve ridden with people who do slow the group down, it’s only ever become an issue if they’re also a dick in some way.

Nobody gets dropped, unless they are a ****.

st colin – I was out on that ride with you in Marple.

Please feel free to come and ride with us anytime again? Even if you fancy a daytime pootle let me know?
I too work from home and agree that your mind can wander and things rear their ugly heads.
Our Marple group really and truly ride for the fact we get out, enjoy each other’s company and love just being out in the countryside, with the views and wildlife. (were you there when my friend got thrown off her bike by a badger?). They never have and never will race each other round or tut at people at the back. The plus point is good crisps in the pub after.

I’ve suffered with depression since my teens. I didn’t really do anything about it until my son was born five years ago. Man up, cheer up, smoked weed and drunk with the odd attempt to get some help between feeling ashamed and alone. Lashing out was a coping mechanism and suicidal ideation was a regular thing.

Meeting my wife in my early twenties was a big turning point and I managed to feel okay for a while. I’m stuck in a job i have no interest in and I have no real formal education to speak of. I’m no genius, but I’m not stupid either. Depression has seriously affected my working life, self esteem and confidence. I’m definitely not who i should and could be because of it.

I’ve been on Citalopram for the last four years and still have bad days and occasional thoughts of ending it. The worst part is that the tablets help stop the worst of it, but also make me feel like a passenger in my own life. I love my kids and my wife and try my hardest, but by god, some days are hard. Can’t see me ever coming off the tablets, which saddens me to a degree. I just have to stay in the job and keep on providing for my family.

You’re not alone OP.

If you can, try and find out what early intervention mental health teams or similar are operating in your area. They do some excellent work (ok, I’m biased as my other half sets up this sort of thing!) and as you’ve already mentioned CBT can be incredibly useful. Unfortunately mental health provision can vary a lot around the UK so you may have different teams with different names offering the same service, but it does seem to be improving a lot.

You’ve made a great step in talking about it on here and it’s absolute nothing tk be embarrassed about, we all have our mental health difficulties and there’s nothing wrong with having people help you with it.

Remember, it’s mental health not illness. If anyone wants to maintain or improve their physical health they need to work at it, eat healthy, etc. And mental health is no different. In fact a lot of the aids to this are the same, certainly don’t ignore the impact that a healthy varied diet can have on mental health.

Hope this thread is helping, if you want any more detailed info do shout up and I can ask my other half.

This book helped me a lot.

“This book has given me a different perspective on a way to help myself. Instead of going through the long process of psychotherapy and analyzing the reasons why I do the things that I do, it has you start in the present and accept your feelings and emotions without suppressing them. I have spent many years suppressing my feelings and not dealing with them because of guilt. This book is helping me to accept the feelings that I have as they come up from my subconscious. There is a lot of information in this book that if understood and applied can change a person’s life”

Thanks again for all the replies. Up in the office today. Huge anxiety on the way in, sat in the car wondering if I should even go in. Feel sick, headache, sore eyes. It’s going to be a stressful day.

How are you today?

I’m hoping you feel up to getting out. Just for a short while, either bike or on foot. Also try and find company, being with others is a benefit and will help keep your mind from negative thoughts.

Last night I was feeling very low. With a bit of effort I made myself go out and meet some friends in a local pub quiz. This was a challenge but I did it and it stopped me staying in and going over bad thoughts in my mind.

bunnyhop x

Hey bunnyhop. I’m okay, marginally better. Meeting some friends tonight at the Velodrome in Manchester to watch my first ever track event. Very nervous about being social later.

Sorry to hear you haven’t been great. Hope the pub quiz was good in the end?

This thread makes pretty interesting reading – I know there have been others but this one resonates with me mainly because you mention the riding and making excuses.

I’ve been working from home since March last year and in that time my mental health has gone rapidly downhill (it wasn’t great to start with, I’ve made two attempts previously to end it). In addition to this, my work is incredibly stressful with two bosses who manage to make me feel pretty worthless and useless at my job. I’m not riding at all really, and when I do it puts me in bed for a couple of days afterwards with a migraine.

I did try CBT but it didn’t really do much for me. I’ve not gone to the doctors as I’ve not registered since I moved down here but I suppose I should, I just don’t like leaving the house. Pretty much every day I think about ending it, most days I have a bit of a cry and all I want to do is climb into bed and sleep. If there was a painless way of doing it, I’d have ended it a long time ago but I’m a bit of a coward when it comes to the pain side of things (see two previous failed attempts). I don’t have any kids and live separately to my other half who I don’t think really understands what is going on. I’ve got a hideous temper on me and frankly have behaved like a right bastard recently.

Basically it’s all pretty shit and for two pins I’d run away and never come back. I was up working until 1am last night and back at it again this morning at 6am – I get a pitiful bonus on Monday which would be enough to live on for a few months so I’m tempted to jack the job in and just rest. Seems like a waste considering I’ve worked this hard to get to this point but I’ve well and truly had enough and it’s not like I have to support anyone or that it affects anyone but me.

Not what you’d call an inspiring post eh! I don’t have any solutions to the OP’s issues, just to say that you’re not alone in feeling how you do and that I hope you find a way to deal with it better than I am.

Hi flange. Sorry to hear that things aren’t so good. Share a lot of things you have said. Regarding work, I’ve been close to packing it in. The difference is that my work has been very supportive. Although I have a new boss who isn’t as forgiving as my old one.

I know it’s easier said than done, but I moved country to change jobs because I had bosses like you have described. It’s not worth the stress. I stayed in that job for nearly 13 years.

Thanks Colin, appreciated. I’ve spent the last hour seeing if it’s financially viable to leave my job and I think for a few months it probably is. In that time hopefully I can find something else that I actually want to do and even if I don’t, the way I’m feeling at the moment anything has to be better!

You have to attribute how you feel now to your current job situation. Hopefully you can find a solution.

My last one was last year over around Marple, during the moor fires.

Was that the Marple trip where we made Daz bleed, or the one where there wan an idiot on a cx bike? (Hi!)