Office farters

There's been some discussion lately on here about folk farting in shared offices. We have a very small, non air-conditioned office and one of my colleagues (whom I sit opposite) just sits and farts all day. Now, I'm not averse to letting the odd one slip out, but to just sit and pump your way through every **** day is just really mean and disrespectful to the people you work with. Isn't it??

This chap is one of the more senior staff, whereas I am relatively new. Who's got the best suggestion for tackling this funky issue?

Kudos points awarded to the best answers……

send out a memo about air quality testing – results have come in and the air is highyl combustable – they will be investigating the office for potential methane ingress etc etc…

Leave a cork on his desk?

For extra bonus points wait until they leave their desk and send it from his machine.

Set some electrodes into his chair base wired to a 12v battery. Everytime he passes wind, whack him with an electric shock.
Repeat until he doesn't do it anymore. I think this is how some people train animals.

Even better get him to wear one of those collars that dogs wear which give them electric shock when they bark – just modify it to work when he farts.

Or, get Paul McKenna to hypnotise him so everyime he farts, he can't help but follow through a bit. That'll soon stop him.

Don't worry about Paul Mckenna – just wait until he hits 40. He'll have no choice then

Stumpy01 is winning so far…… 😆

I would applaud if I could bear taking my hands away from safely covering my nasal passages……..

keep 'em coming folks, that's pretty much what he's been doing.

put a little remote piezo electric spark generator in his chair base.
When he trumpets, fire it off and he gets a singed rectum.
Repeat until he's suitable charred.

What if its a medical thing like he cant help but fart?

I had a similar problem in my office. I also have a fan so every time his stench was in the air I would turn on my fan and fire it right back at him. Failing that you could buy one of those fart machines and tape it in a concelled place close to him and set it off every time he trumps so it draws attension to him. 😈

shoot him in the face, then take everyone else out in the office to eliminate the witnesses

Everytime he does it, screw up your face, hold your tie / shirt whatever up to your nose and make a real commotion. Don't point at him, just say "FFS who keeps doing that?!". Then its up to him to be embarrassed or confront it. If he persists, just make it known that thats why you're leaving your desk for 5 minutes.

Or buy an ambulance siren, attach it to the ceiling above him and set it off anonymously every time.

Nonchalantly leave a packet of JL Braggs medicinal charcoal tablets on his desk, tied up with a bow!
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Bum him 😯

I have my own office that opens onto a larger office. One of the young ladies in the larger office told me that if she feels the need to fart in privacy, and I'm not there, she just goes into my office to do it. I'm just glad she restricts herself to my absences!

Kick the s*** out of him and tell him if he does it again then it will be his last.
Violence has its uses.

Stick a microphone in his chair and attatch to an amplifier.. he'll think his arse has fallen off..

Just let one go yourself !

Leave a lit tea light under his desk. KA-BOOM!

couple of drops of laxative in a friendly cuppa will add a hint of danger to his gas, chances are if he's used to lifting a cheek with impunity he'll do it and follow though…

(Not sure if the legendary pre-hack laxative thread was restored but do a search for brand name suggestions)

Have a full and frank discussion about it, a debate, if you like. En masse

Just be grateful that I'm not working in your office!

The picolax thread was resurrected.

The Picolax Thread Returns

Rub the dirty **** face in his chair and ask him if it smells nice. It must be disguisting if he does what you said he does non stop. Embarass the fecker by letting him know his trousers must smell even worse than his chair. Its one step away from him curling one in the office, I'd have to tw*t the fecker.

Fight fire with fire….just don't over do it and follow though. 😀

spray fart gas to make it worse so more ppl complain!

Nail a dead rat the underside of his desk

LOL at this thread!

Bring air freshner with you.

I would talk to him personally and tell him he needs yoghurt etc

Leave a butt plug on his desk

shoot him in the face, then take everyone else out in the office to eliminate the witnesses

P'haps a bit hardline, but made me LOL