Nightmare 16yo son. The legalities?

Not mine, but the GF’s.

Turned 16yo over the summer and thinks he knows everything. Bright kiddy – got an apprenticeship so has a little money coming in.

Unruly. Doesn’t do as he’s told. Rides a noisy motorbike. Drinks. Smokes. Swears. Shouts. Throws tantrums. Smashes the place up when he doesn’t get his way. Last weekend meant that because of his (and a friend’s) drinking session my GF’s house was burgled and her keys/purse/phone/car were stolen. And giggled while the police were there.

Just doesn’t care about the consequences of his actions, or who he upsets.

He’s now taken to leaving the house late at night and coming home in the small hours. No idea what he’s up to. GF worries herself sick and can’t sleep till he returns.

She is at the end of her tether. There is nothing I can do – I have no jurisdiction. What to do? Can she legally throw him out?

Sensible ideas/help much appreciated.

Can she legally throw him out?

Yes.

But then he would be “out” all the time.

So she would never get any sleep ??

He is 16 with a job of course he can be thrown out

Whether tough love is the solution I dont know but having a party, getting my stuff stolen and laughing would be the point at which my tether broke…well certainly if it was anyone but my own child.
My own child probably do the same as that is some way from the line of acceptable.

Yes.

But then he would be “out” all the time.

So she would never get any sleep ??

This is the thing. I think she needs him to be someone else’s problem.

There was a long running thread on here which a quick search hasn’t found about this.

I think the upshot was that ‘it’s a bit of a grey area’ legally what your responsibilities as a parent are.

Have a more detailed search – it was worth a read if only to see that you’re not alone and there were practical suggestions as to what to do as well as emotional support.

He is a child and ur problem to he is 18. If u do throw him out expect a visit from social services.

but having a party, getting my stuff stolen

Just the two of them. Drinking in his room. We heard them running to the WC/slamming doors all night to be sick. The friend (oxygen thief) in his drunken state decides to leave the house to see some other friends. Returns at 3/4am and leaves the front door unlocked…

Follow him one night, find out what he is up to. then have a word with the local police if he is pushing the bounds of legality and see if they can scare him a little.
If not, kick him out.

What about speaking to his boss…he probably behaves himself at work as if he talks back he’s more likely to get thumped.

His boss might say “not my problem”, or he might be willing to have a ‘man to man’ chat with him.

But he might come home looking for revenge for you involving his boss.

On a serious note explain to him you cannot allow this situation to continue.
Tell him to get his own place.
Explain to your gf that finding a place of his own might not be such a bad thing (it did me no harm at that age and I went on to get a degree).
He needs to grow up quickly and with mum still holding the reins he will forever be a horrible teenager.

Unruly. Doesn’t do as he’s told. Rides a noisy motorbike. Drinks. Smokes. Swears. Shouts. Throws tantrums. Smashes the place up when he doesn’t get his way.

Seems typical of a lot of teenagers nowadays as always, he needs to be chucked out, but then he want get HB, so a hostel type place.

Parents need to crack down on any mis behaviour strongly,you dont let a dog bite or disobey you, so why should a kid.

then have a word with the local police

He’s had plenty of brushes with the law before. Picked up twice for drunk and disorderly. At age 11.

Sounds like he’s taking what he can while he can.

I had a similar issue with a teenage lad that belonged to my ex and we sent him to live with his dad where things weren’t quite as cushy as having mommy look after him and he soon realised how much he’d been taking the mick.

His mom and you sitting him down and advising him where he’s going wrong is certainly the first point, he might think it’s fine to behave how he is.

If you’re serious about chucking him out speak to social services, they’ll talk you through the options.

Cor blimey, I don’t envy either of you. 🙁 I’m not a parent so I’ve no experience, but from where I’m sitting, I’d be thinking; with your GF, get him sober, get him alone, sit him down and let him know the score. He cannot continue living like he does – he either follows a line of reasonable behaviour, or he finds his own home. It’s not a matter of kicking him out, not at this stage, but he’s gotta know he WILL be out (and bloody soon) if he don’t get his sh!t together.

**** some people on this thred make me want to puke, if ur child is a **** up its 100% ur fault.

Parents need to crack down on any mis behaviour strongly,you dont let a dog bite or disobey you, so why should a kid.

He’s had plenty of brushes with the law before. Picked up twice for drunk and disorderly. At age 11.

Sounds like that boat may already have sailed 😉

Seriously though. Aren’t all 16 year olds like that. Looking at the behaviour you’ve described, that is a pretty damn accurate of me at 16, and most of my mates, apart from the ones who were far far worse

Most of us grew out of it by our late 20’s

Beat the shit out of him and move abroad

If you’re serious about chucking him out speak to social services, they’ll talk you through the options.

Thought that was the case. Thanks.

A sit-down talk won’t get us very far, but it’s worth a shot. His behaviour is totally unacceptable. She’s tried many times to make him see sense and accept some responsibility. But he just doesn’t care.

Don’t hold back 3dvgirl.
So it’s the parents fault that murderers, rapists, pedophiles, Hiltler, etc, etc, etc did what they did.
That’s a poor argument.

**** some people on this thred make me want to puke, if ur child is a **** up its 100% ur fault.

Thanks for that valuable input. I suspect you may have first-hand experience of being a nightmare 16yo. You may still be one judging by your typing.

And – just to negate your argument entirely – she is an SEN (special education needs) teacher in a rough-ass inner-city academy. Dealing with difficult teenagers and their ‘challenging’ behaviour is what she does for a living. And she’s very good at it.

some people on this thred make me want to puke, if ur child is a **** up its 100% ur fault.

Thanks for settling the age old nature /nurture debate you should publish that 😕

there comes a time when any child makes their own choices and lives with the consequences of them 16 and working is approaching that age IMHO
I dont think tolerating this behaviour and it having no consequences is the best solution and i dont think either choice is brilliant.

That’s a poor argument.

its poor to call that an argument but I feel one coming 😉

Enroll him in the army.

I think he needs to choose it but it is true they have along and fine tradition in drinking and loutish behaviour so he may fit in nicely 😈

sell him to the Scientologists?

Picked up twice for drunk and disorderly. At age 11

And this is the point when your girlfriend should have intervened. It’s a damn site easier to turnaround an 11 y/o rather than 16. He’s got away with it for years now and it is acceptable behavior in his eyes. The fact that he’s smirking whilst the police are dealing with a break in speaks volumes.

Also he’s getting the booze illegally. How? Find out where and dob them in. The authorities would be interested in an easy kill like selling to underage kids.

From D&D at 11 to having an apprenticeship at 16. Kicking him out would Shirley send him down the right path…
Gets him out the way so you can rut his mum anyway.

Banjo the fecker. Flex-cuff him, in the boot of the car, up on the moors. Strip him naked. Leave him. Tell him to make his own way home.

And whoever said “all 16 year olds are like this” – no they aren’t. I certainly never was, and most of my peers never were. And neither are their kids. But then, we are of a generation where if we behaved like this we got in the sh!t with the law, and in even more sh!t from our (non-absent) fathers.

D&D twice at 11 …
Seems like his mum and dad have not been responsible for his upbringing TBH – or stupid/ soft.

I am not sure that anything you can do will change him, unless he want to. But you and GF need to sit him down and thave the tough love talk.
Outline to him what will be tolerated and won’t, and spell it out very clearly.
And with repercussion that you will both accept.

Where is his father is all of this?

PS – you do realise quite a lot of this subversive behaviousr is to get inbetween you and his mum?
Did the parents split up when he was 11?

**** some people on this thred make me want to puke, if ur child is a **** up its 100% ur fault.

In some cases I’ll agree with you. As an ex youth worker I’ve seen plenty of those.

However, there are also cases where kids have had perfectly good upbringings and it’s other influences, such as peer group, getting in with the wrong crowd etc, and previously good kids go off the rails. My younger brother did. To be honest, I think that his upbringing was a bit too permissive, and that my dad and stepmum didn’t nip stuff in the bud early enough, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Either way, he is now 18 but hasn’t lived at home for 2 years because he was a danger to his mother and sister (violence, stealing, and drug dealer mates coming round the house). Social services (who became involved when the criminal activity started) agreed that he needed to live away from the family home. He was re-housed in supported housing. He is doing better now, but sadly only after a spell in a YOI.

If your gf can’t cope and she feels she is in danger from his behaviour, she needs to contact social services. Or perhaps the NSPCC would help with advice – at the end of the day she will be concerned that she can’t protect her son.

And this is the point when your girlfriend should have intervened. It’s a damn site easier to turnaround an 11 y/o rather than 16. He’s got away with it for years now and it is acceptable behavior in his eyes. The fact that he’s smirking whilst the police are dealing with a break in speaks volumes.

This is what’s wrong with asking for advice on the internet. How do you know ‘he’s got away with it’? How do you know intervening measures have not been tried for the last 5 years? Were you hiding in the cupboard? Are you intimately familiar with all that has gone on? Sanctimonious drivel based upon assumptions does not help anyone.

Tough position OP. Even more so from your position with less bonds to this kid and concerns watching what it is doing to his mother. Sadly there is likely to be no win position from here for anyone.

Classy fourbanger,classy. It is obviously chosen behaviour,acting like that in front of/towards his tradesman would subject him to the discipline of the steel toe-cap boot.As JY said, 16 and working is getting to the point of moving him on. There is also how fit for work he is if out all night,which may have implications for him. He obviously likes having money;how about pointing out how he will struggle to buy nice clothes/partee all night if he has to buy food/electric/rent etc? A straight get out is perhaps a bit black and white. As a teacher,your best bet with a teenager is to get him to think showing a bit of respect for you two is his idea(and don’t ever mention that word to him) Good Luck.

See a shrink.

Lay down the rules.

Enforce punishment and do not back down!

Be a parent and use your brain.

Ask him what is going on and listen.

Call Jeremy Kyle or Dr Phil.

Parents support group?

My ex’s sister was like that, a complete anomaly in the family, totally unruly and could not be reasoned with.

They bought her a ticket to Australia and it was the making of her, had a chance to control her own destiny and then slowly took control of her life. I think things were just too easy back home and the sleepness nights were killing the rest of the family.

**** some people on this thred make me want to puke, if ur child is a **** up its 100% ur fault.

Can we blame your parents for your inability to spell or form coherent sentences?

My ex’s sister was like that, a complete anomaly in the family, totally unruly and could not be reasoned with.

They bought her a ticket to Australia and it was the making of her, had a chance to control her own destiny and then slowly took control of her life. I think things were just too easy back home and the sleepness nights were killing the rest of the family.
A tad drastic …
How did Australia feel about it – or was it part of the Victorian enforcedc settlement of the New Lands?

this thread might help:

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=16774749

she is an SEN (special education needs) teacher in a rough-ass inner-city academy. Dealing with difficult teenagers and their ‘challenging’ behaviour is what she does for a living. And she’s very good at it.

Is the kid in any way resentful of mum’s job? Acting up like her “clients” would be a good way to get her attention. To be fair it does sound like it’s gone beyond that though.

Another possibility is the the kid is resentful of the op.
Maybe doesn’t like him so makes no effort.
He knows that this upsets mum which in turn angers op.
This is a possible line you should try and go down with him to see if anything can be done.
Fix the motorbike together, go to a football match etc.
Try and gain his trust and maybe it will be better.

A sit-down talk won’t get us very far, but it’s worth a shot.

Yeah, I totally get you – but as much as anything, it’s about laying out the guidelines so that he can’t say “what you kicking me out for?” You can tell him, we’re kicking you out because that’s what we told you would happen if you stepped over these lines we laid out for you. I guess it’s almost as much about fomralising it for yourself and your GF, as much as having any expectation that it’ll turn him around. Still, we live in hope…