Home Forums Chat Forum My wife has left me.

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  • My wife has left me.
  • rubbish
    Free Member

    It’s for me as well, trying to rectify this utter **** up of mine is for everyone involved.

    roper
    Free Member

    I’m an alcoholic quitting alcohol at the most stressful event of his life….

    Maybe consider giving someone at AA a call. They are anonymous, you don’t have to meet face to face unless you want to. They have been through it. There will be someone there with a story just like yours. They won’t tell you what to do or judge you, but can tell you how they have done it. Giving up booze is more than just stopping drinking. It’s also about living, well and happy without it. Having a friendly chat with someone who has come through it can’t be a bad thing.

    hora
    Free Member

    All the best OP

    rubbish
    Free Member

    Thanks, I feel so incredibly tired at the moment 4 hours sleep last night and probably suffering for the lack of sugar that the wine gave me.

    Monday tomorrow and ironically I have work to take my mind off it (kind of), driving off tomorrow morning without my wife and little girl waving and blowing a kiss at the window is going to be horrible.

    Sandwich
    Full Member

    You’re doing fine, but I think it’d be better if you start doing things for yourself rather than for her or her family.

    This most of all. Do it for you no one else or you will fail.

    One day at a time will bring success. Keep on keeping on.

    hels
    Free Member

    Aye, and let us know you are OK from time to time so we don’t sit here worrying !

    mikertroid
    Free Member

    Rubbish,

    You will need to up your sugar intake up for a while as your body will have become reliant on it.

    You’re doing well! Do get in touch with AA, they’ll steer you in the right direction.

    About the house: it’s bricks and mortar. Really not important. There are lots of houses out there, I say that as I potentially stare at the loss of my second ‘dream home’!!

    Be careful about email/texts with your wife. A good buddy of mine learnt some harsh lessons by being too apologetic and admitting too much fault in a bid to make things better in his state of shock and it cost him very heavily. Keep strong!

    Don’t try to control everything; we don’t own the future, can’t change the past so all we’ve got is they’re and now.
    Just change the things you can, and accept the things you can’t. You’ll make better decisions as a result.

    Keep going, you’ve done the worst!

    Right, off for a sunset ride! Suggest you do the same!

    ernie_lynch
    Free Member

    If you get the opportunity Rubbish, change your username. You are more likely to succeed if you have self-belief, self-respect, and self-worth. Contrary to what you might think of yourself right now, you are not rubbish, you are a human being.

    brooess
    Free Member

    If you get the opportunity Rubbish, change your username. You are more likely to succeed if you have self-belief, self-respect, and self-worth. Contrary to what you might think of yourself right now, you are not rubbish, you are a human being.

    +1

    Why not call yourself ‘Mr Turnaround’ or ‘Mr Success?’

    And this might come in useful to keep an eye on your mood each day…

    Moodscope

    duckman
    Full Member

    Ok here goes.

    My Wife left me in May and took my kids, I was a mess for a while, lots of research into the price of helium etc. I slowly got it together and concentrated on the time I had with my boys. I started to deal with the things that had triggered the separation (you know what the big one was for you) I also didn’t rant at her and made sure I was polite when picking up the boys. In other words I didn’t burn any bridges, or as you said give any ammo. Last week out of the blue she offered to come to relate with me, something she had refused to do. Now it is awful, I used to wake up after a couple of hours sleep feeling like I had been punched in the chest,I have certainly never known pain like it. BUT IT SLOWLY GETS BETTER Build on the positives,time with daughter,work; you are obviously good enough that you have plenty work, easy to say: but can you leave the stresses at work? Please don’t jump to conclusions about your wife without proof; confrontation will only move you further apart.Good luck whatever happens.

    rubbish
    Free Member

    Unfortunately work isn’t great at the moment, struggling a bit and the clients I have are very demanding, a clear mind should help with that hopefully.

    The stress can’t stay at work, work comes with me wherever I go.

    RichPenny
    Free Member

    It does sound like you are making progress. Look at Duckmans example, it should give you some hope that the situation can be resolved. Remember that you are the man your wife wanted to spend her life with and raise children. I agree with other comments about your work though, the world will not come to an end if you take some time off. You say that you will miss your daughter next week, see if you can move things around, have a day off and see her.

    wrightyson
    Free Member

    Big respect for all the positive help dished out on this here thread, should be proud of yourselves stw collective!!!

    littlemisspanda
    Free Member

    Hi, just wanted to give you a virtual hug, because it’s not nice what you’re going through. As much as you own the issues involved, it sucks to be on the end of it. As someone who has had a bit of a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol, I can relate.

    I joined a forum called Bright Eye, which is a support forum for people with alcohol problems and it has been hugely helpful. You get to talk to other people in similar places to you, get support, the occasional kick up the backside, and see how other people have tackled their alcohol issues. I’ve got a lot more handle on my drinking now – I still have my moments but I don’t feel as if it controls me any more in such an all consuming way. EAF (Evil Alcohol Fairy) has a habit of clouding one’s perspective somewhat about what the important things are in life.

    If you feel the urge to pick the bottle up, just make yourself a list of all the things that you want to achieve by being sober. I’d advise not focusing on getting your wife back right now – perhaps some time for the dust to settle is needed. But you could list better health, reduced stress, and being a better and more present father to your little girl. Quite honestly, I think your wife is doing the right thing not allowing overnight stays at the moment, I wouldn’t if it was my child, until I knew for sure that I could trust the child’s father not to be drunk whilst looking after a little one.

    You have work to do – get on and make that list and every time the EAF comes calling, go back to it and think of every single reason why NOT to do it.

    When you stop drinking and losing those hours at the bottom of a bottle, you might find that the family time that you think you have been robbed of by work was actually there all along, and actually it was the drink robbing you of it.

    busydog
    Free Member

    Big respect for all the positive help dished out on this here thread, should be proud of yourselves stw collective

    I am always amazed by how helpful and compassionate this group can be when someone is struggling. Good luck to you and a salute to your effort in addressing the problem. As many have said, it will get better.

    Junkyard
    Free Member

    Glad to hear that Duckman I recall you mentioning it
    Fingers crossed for you both

    Sandwich
    Full Member

    An idea for work, feel free to ignore or shoot down as necessary.

    Ask for a confidential chat with each client. Lay your cards on the table about your personal problems and suggest that some time off will be beneficial for all parties. You are unlikely to be able to produce your best work right now and a reasonable person will recognise this. If they aren’t reasonable they can be on the list when you rationalise.
    Use the time off wisely to arrange professional help as necessary and ride your bike, care for your daughter and all that stuff.

    bwaarp
    Free Member

    m not getting any physical effects from giving up alcohol, if the doctor insists medication is the way to go I will consider it, but I know my wife wouldn’t like the idea and at the moment I’m trying to prove I can do this pretty much solo (counseling aside), I’m an alcoholic quitting alcohol at the most stressful event of his life, to her and her family this should hopefully count for a lot.

    Without blowing my own trumpet, I’m surprised how I’m getting through this, I know its only day 2, but I walked down the booze isle today and I didn’t even consider picking up a bottle, the till girls are used to me buying wine in there, I convinced she looked at me as to say ‘Where’s the wine?’.

    You don’t have to tell your wife what your doing/taking in terms of your health, that’s confidential. It’s quite frankly none of her buisness if the doctor decides medication is the way forward in getting you through to seeing the point in which you start seeing benefits from CBT. This is a long drawn out process, CBT could take a year to start to fully rectify the things you consider issues. Like physical training or losing weight the effects build up over time, you won’t walk into therapy and come out 2 months later perfectly fine. You will have to decide whether you can handle that. Remember this is not just about giving up drinking, there is an underlying psychological issue that has caused this problem. Giving up drinking is curing the symptoms, not the real issue.

    If you find yourself slipping into depression please take my advice. Nipping an acute stress reaction or depressive episode in the bud can stop it developing into something worse. Remember anger turned inwards is depression, if you stop venting your anger all of a sudden you might find yourself internalizing it more and becoming increasingly depressed. You need to find constructive ways of letting anger and frustration out that doesn’t cause others problems, or turn your anger sideways through humor. I’m a very angry person, I have a giant chip on my shoulder but I try and 99 percent of the time channel it into a rather twisted sense of humor.

    I hope things work out matey, keep us updated.

    Pawsy_Bear
    Free Member

    +1

    I didn’t even consider picking up a bottle,

    well done first step to recovery. Booze isnt the answer.

    atlaz
    Free Member

    Can I also say that you should be very careful about accusing her of having a fling. It may be that the staying out longer than normal is that she feels stressed at home with you, the drinking, your work, your daughter and the decision she’s seen coming. It could be as simple that she got dressed up and went for a walk or to look in the shops to feel better about herself.

    Sounds like you’re making the first steps on a road to recovery. Hopefully that road leads to your family but if not, just focus on the fact that your daughter will get the best father you can be, not the best you can be between drinking and working.

    rubbish
    Free Member

    Can I also say that you should be very careful about accusing her of having a fling.

    Yes I know now, I was being irrational.

    Well, I’m back at at work behind may desk where 72 hours ago it all happened, two full nights off the booze now, I feel crap (tired and still emotional) but but look great no dark circles and bloodshot eyes first thing so that’s a good start.

    I sent her an email early this morning, I know I should leave her alone, but I was compelled to put my thoughts down for her to read, something which face to face is difficult as it becomes a standoff.

    I’ve had a complaint form a client already about the way I handled a situation yesterday, I calmly aplologised but explained that I have had a serious family problem over the weekend but did not wish to give the details, the immediately backed down and accepted this.

    The stress is still there whilst handling it without the booze is not necessarily easier, I can think clearly and that is an important when it comes to dealing with work and personal problems.

    Here’s to another sober evening.

    spchantler
    Free Member

    hang in there mr, keep posting

    mastiles_fanylion
    Free Member

    What is it you do that means you have such demanding clients? From everything I have read (and I have been keeping up to date with this all weekend) it seems you have focussed much of your attention on your clients over the years and perhaps sidelined your family. I really think that, once you have got your drinking under control and your head straight a bit, that you need to ditch some of these clients – you shouldn’t owe them more than you owe your family or, more importantly, yourself.

    I really hope things work out for you.

    rubbish
    Free Member

    What is it you do that means you have such demanding clients?

    I’d rather not say, anonymity and all that, work is manageable I just need to manage myself, a road ride is on the cards tonight whether it will happen is another thing, I must sort some decent food out for myself as well.

    higgo
    Free Member

    I really think that, once you have got your drinking under control and your head straight a bit, that you need to ditch some of these clients – you shouldn’t owe them more than you owe your family or, more importantly, yourself.

    I agree. I think it was Bwaaaaaaarp who said that stopping the drinking was addessing the symptoms but not the cause (or something like that). Stopping the drinking was essential and hopefully it will give you the space to take a considered look at what you do, why you do it and why you do it in the way that you do it.

    I really hope things work out for you too.

    rubbish
    Free Member

    I agree. I think it was Bwaaaaaaarp who said that stopping the drinking was addessing the symptoms but not the cause (or something like that). Stopping the drinking was essential and hopefully it will give you the space to take a considered look at what you do, why you do it and why you do it in the way that you do it.

    I’m hoping the counseling (should it be prescribed) will help with that.

    Sidney
    Free Member

    All the best Rubbish, though like others I was thinking a name change was in line with the way you have begun to handle things. Keep going!

    rubbish
    Free Member

    Starting to struggle a bit now, I thought being at work would be a distraction, I feel a bit like I’m in a goldfish bowl and i really don’t feel like speaking to anyone.

    I can’t get my wife and daughter out of my thoughts.

    hels
    Free Member

    Then don’t. Turn off phone, email, t’internet etc and watch the Lympics for an hour, catch your breath.

    mastiles_fanylion
    Free Member

    Agreed.

    If you had to make a choice, would you rather have your wife and child or your business?

    I would walk away from my business without a moment’s hesitation if it would save my marriage and family.

    spchantler
    Free Member

    its a massive emotional upheaval. when i split up, i found myself crying about my dad, who’d died years before, stuff just gets locked inside and then bursts out, expect to feel strange after blocking your feelings for years with drink. just remember its going to get better, if you want it to.

    MrGrim
    Full Member

    Rubbish – you don’t say what line of work you are in, but do you think maybe your clients are used to calling you and you jumping on whatever problems or queries they have straight away. Switch your phone off and you might be surprised at how they cope when they realise you are not at their beck and call 24/7.

    franksinatra
    Full Member

    You mentioned befor ethat your line of work is specialist but there must be others doing something similar. Is there any opportunity to enter into a partnership with somebody else where you retain you own clients but share responsibility for out of hour support? Week on, week off sort of thing.

    mastiles_fanylion
    Free Member

    And if there isn’t anyone else doing it, tell your clients you are doing things differently now. If they don’t like it they can try to find someone else to do it…

    ononeorange
    Full Member

    spchantler: “just remember its going to get better, if you want it to.”

    x100000000

    konagirl
    Free Member

    I feel a bit like I’m in a goldfish bowl and i really don’t feel like speaking to anyone.

    Don’t be too harsh on yourself. Remember you’ve probably just experienced the biggest upheaval and most emotional weekend of your life. Which also came as a bit of a shock. And withdrawing from alcohol (even if you aren’t displaying ‘physical’ symptoms) is likely to cause some anxiety and negativity in your thoughts.

    Long-term of course you need to decide how you can deal with work pressures and the way in which you work.

    But right now, today, give yourself an hour off. Can you set yourself a target? Work til 12:30, go for a lunch time ride, work a few good hours this afternoon on the proviso you reward yourself? Make sure you leave work on time and go shopping, make sure you go on that road ride, and if you find you are awake and thinking about your family, spend that time productively – plan what you are going to do with your girl and when, ideas for days out etc. And speak to people; friends or just rant on here. Don’t allow yourself to become withdrawn.

    (And did I say, make sure you go on that road ride.)

    martinxyz
    Free Member

    Would be going off-road myself! Traffic would do my head in.

    Rockape63
    Free Member

    As someone who has been through what you’re going through quite a few years ago now, I can sympathise. My daughter was 4 yrs old at the time and all the advice in the world cannot dull the pain.

    It normally takes a new relationship to make someone make a decisive move….even if that relationship doesn’t last. If she is having an affair with someone she’s met at the Gym, HE will be very exciting to her at the moment and YOU will be quite the opposite. In fact, she could actually get quite horrible to you whilst this is going on.

    Therefore, as someone said previously take it ONE DAY AT A TIME and don’t think too much about the future. Try and keep it together and just leave an open offer to her that you would like a second chance. It may take 6 months, but its possible that she may consider it.

    Try and be cool and don’t do/say anything that could spoil your chances of joint custody…..which is what I had. At present your chances of a reunion sound remote, so whilst you will be scared and completely upset, keep it together and do things to keep you occupied!

    jambalaya
    Free Member

    @rubbish, you have gotten from this thread a lot of good advice and offers of help from those who have been there. That’s hugely valuable. It’s time now to follow that up.

    FWIW posting comments that your wife has been out of the house a lot, dressing nicely etc. Good she’s getting on with her life. If you want to be part of that it’s time for you to make some serious changes.

    thehustler
    Free Member

    Rubbish, what part of the country are you, my wife and kids are away for a couple of days so tonight and tomorrow I will prob be going for a ride both nights, I’m from a village just outside stafford if you want/need some company and its close enough I’ll come ride your area.

    I understand your want for anonymity so if this appeals PM me and we’ll sort off forum.

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