My in-laws.

(Set-up a new account for the purposes of this thread as I’m a regular and known to some user – hope admin don’t mind)

I realise that many, if not most, have some issues with their in laws at some point in their lifetime. I guess it’s just one of those things. But my in laws have always had a negative impact on me and increasingly they are making my life very unpleasant. We live very close to my in laws so avoiding them is hard and regularly I have to work with her father. I’m not a confrontational sort generally and often this leads people to treat me as a bit of a pushover. The in laws areno different but often have very personal but also very underhand digs at me, generally implying that I haven’t done very well in life. The comments are nasty but done in a very passive aggressive manner and they particularly relish the attacks when others are in earshot. They like to remind me how well there other children have done and how successful they are (Infact I remember about 10 years ago my wife’s mother in a conversation with my mum mentioned how she believed I was very jealous of her son… To my own mother!!)

On top of this they are horribly bigoted who have only ever lived in villages and have zero world experience at all but still believe they understand all of the worlds ills better than anyone. I have to listen to ill informed, ignorant POV on everything and anything.

When I have periods of time when I have nothing to do with my wife’s family I’m fine but as soon as I have to spend any time with them I end up feeling depressed, feeling inadequate and as a result our relationship becomes strained. I never thought that her family could have such a huge impact on me and us but it really is starting to leave its mark. My wife is thankfully understanding about it and I think it’s fair to say isn’t fond of her parents but despite my feelings I can’t pull my wife away from her own family but I’m getting to the point where I need to do something. At the moment I just rant about it (much like this) to my wife, which drives her crazy.

Have any others had similar experiences with their in laws?

No, but you must rise above it. It is their inadequacies that leads them to gossip about you.

Like they say where I’m from, people don’t throw stones at trees that bear no fruit. So keep your chin up mate.

You can’t change them – all you can do is change yourself. Sounds like their comments are managing to lower your self esteem, so perhaps look at ways to reinforce your own ‘I’m OK’ feeling and you might find that their comments won’t affect you in the same way and you’ll be able to be more assertive and their attitude might change too.

(Speaking as someone without that situation with inlaws but plenty of experience of feeling bad about myself).

Speak to your wife explaining your concerns. If she does nothing you have issues that need addressing.
Get a meeting set up with the inlaws.
Tell them your feelings. Explain it cannot go on like this.
If there is no change move.
Make them come to visit you, be it the next village or Australia under your terms.
You really don’t have to take that kind of crap from nobody.
It will be their loss.

You’ll be alive a lot longer than them, get out on your bike more.

I feel your pain. Curiousyellow is right, though. You just have to treat their comments as water off a ducks back. I take great enjoyment from arguing with my MiL, and I suspect she does the same. Crafty old witch! 😈

Violence has its place and every man has a breaking point.
Knock FIL out and give MIL a good kick in the fanjo.

Can you not work with the FIL? The less you see them the better, and taking a proactive approach will make you feel 100% better

kick in the fanjo

?

No wonder he looks in pain.

As above, you have to sort this out with your wife first.

Then talk to your in laws in a space that’s ‘yours’.

And, tbh, working somewhere that they don’t is probably a good idea too.

Can you not work with the FIL? The less you see them the better, and taking a proactive approach will make you feel 100% better

We are both self employed. He works in forestry and occasionally I help him on bigger jobs (which I am grateful for) which subsidises my income which in turn cements their point of view that I am inadequate and a failure.

Next time they try to make you feel inadequate, just remember who’s daughter you are married to! Remind them, if you want, too. 🙂

We are both self employed. He works in forestry and occasionally I help him on bigger jobs (which I am grateful for) which subsidises my income which in turn cements their point of view that I am inadequate and a failure.

Put your price up. Significantly. See how much he relies on you.

Personally, I wouldn’t confront them with this. If they do indeed take pleasure in putting you down, then they are the sort whom won’t heed the meaning behind your plea and see weakness.

it does seem odd that there’s an implied criticism of their daughter in all this for choosing you. Does it not bother her enough to sort it out?

Kick that into touch, then. No amount of money is worth it and, speaking as a freelancer myself, something ALWAYS turns up. Always!

they are horribly bigoted who have only ever lived in villages and have zero world experience at all but still believe they understand all of the worlds ills better than anyone. I have to listen to ill informed, ignorant POV on everything and anything.

And then you come here afterwards 🙂

Get passive-aggressive back:

“Wow, your hall carpet looks really flammable.”
“My wife is in your will, isn’t she?”
“This carving knife is really sharp – could skin a cow with this.”

Or, whispered quietly when no-one else is in the room:

“I could easily kill you in your sleep.”

Personally, I wouldn’t confront them with this. If they do indeed take pleasure in putting you down, then they are the sort whom won’t heed the meaning behind your plea and see weakness.

agreed, also try not to work for ur FIL

it does seem odd that there’s an implied criticism of their daughter in all this for choosing you. Does it not bother her enough to sort it out?

Yes, you are absolutely right and she has tried to confront them about it but they turn it around onto my wife and paint her as being unreasonable, too sensitive and ultimately ignore her pleas, in the end talking down to her like she is a 5 year old.

We once collectively got into an argument and I tried to explain the effect it had on my wife and I but as I’m not great in an argument (often thinking of the things I should have said long past the argument) they once again turned it around making out that that the entire issue was our problem.

They are incredible people motivated only by money, property portfolios and land ownership. Make my skin crawl.

“I could easily kill gut you in your sleep.” sounds better IMHO.

Are you behaving like the person they are describing?

Announce the fact that you have reached breaking point and are going to start making a few changes and will no longer tolerate being treated like a doormat.

Then start behaving like you think you ought.

Mizre.

We are both self employed. He works in forestry and occasionally I help him on bigger jobs

Change the perception of this. You’re doing him a favour by helping out. Just once say you can’t do it. Make him rely on you to help him out. do it on your terms.

(which I am grateful for) which subsidises my income which in turn cements their point of view that I am inadequate and a failure.

Again change the perception. You’re doing him a favour, he has to pay you for your services. If not you then it would be someone else he has to pay.

Lastly spend as little time with the in laws as possible. If possible move away from them. Sounds harsh but it’s for your own good. Just because they are your in laws it doesn’t mean you have to like them. Sitting down and talking to them doesn’t work. Been there tried that. All it will do is justify their view that you are like they think you are.

Chin up. Live your life, not theirs.

Next time, try imagining them naked. It’s hard to take anyone seriously if they’re naked.

bencooper – Member
Next time, try imagining them naked. It’s hard to take anyone seriously if they’re naked.

I didn’t take you seriously there.

Edit. Where’s my quote buttons gone?

It does sound like you and your wife need to make a concious decision to move away from them both emotionally.

You will find this easier than her.

Ask yourself why what they are saying gets to you? Do you agree with some of what they imply? Is this why them articulating it bothers you because you can’t disagree with their summary?

If you feel you are not what they are painting you as then don’t engage with them emotionally.

Speaking personally, I’d be disppointed if my in-laws thought badly of me but I’d shrug and move on. I married their daughter, not them, and there’s probably other people in the world who’d have just a dim view of me and I’d not give a toss what they thought.

Make it not matter to you might be the easiest solution? ‘Yeah, whatever’ and move on, next time it happens. Easier said than doen if everyone is in a behaviour pattern, though.

So they’re loaded? Sounds like taking the flack and biding your time is the right approach here. Look at it as earning money.

Next time, try imagining them naked. It’s hard to take anyone seriously if they’re naked.

Not as silly as it sounds.
Could you readjust your attitude towards them? I mean instead of seeing them as nasty horrible bastards, think of them as a comedy act.
Every time they say something hurtful, nasty, spiteful and/or bigotted, think of the absurdity of it and genuinely laugh out loud.
This will help with your mental state AND it will really piss them right off. I mean, imagine trying your bestest to get at someone who just stands and laughs at you and perhaps says “I don’t give a **** what you say”

Just scatter some leaflets around.

Not as silly as it sounds.
Could you readjust your attitude towards them? I mean instead of seeing them as nasty horrible bastards, think of them as a comedy act.
Every time they say something hurtful, nasty, spiteful and/or bigotted, think of the absurdity of it and genuinely laugh out loud.
This will help with your mental state AND it will really piss them right off. I mean, imagine trying your bestest to get at someone who just stands and laughs at you and perhaps says “I don’t give a **** what you say”

That’s brilliant. I really like that. That will work a treat.

My deepest sympathies for the terrible chainsaw accident suffered by your father in law just next Tuesday.

I’m now off to find one of my naked and looking serious photos to send to Ben

So they’re loaded? Sounds like taking the flack and biding your time is the right approach here. Look at it as earning money.

Yes, and as we are not, they relish pointing it out. I’ve tried to point out that we simply have different values and in response they pointed out that’s what all poor, unsuccessful people say.

Wee in their shoes?

I don;t want to be immature, but isn’t it the obvious solution to all of your problems? 😉

Alternatively, I see it that you have two options? Shut up and put up. Talk about it with your wife but other than that, see it as empty and useless put downs and remember that it’s not worth thinking about.

The other is to tell them that it’s getting to you. Do this on your terms, in your choice of location and with your wife sat next to you.

I’d say that spending less time with them could make them wonder why. Esp.if you and your wife have children. A few, occasional “we’re busy” or “sorry, can’t”might make them wonder why (or are they too ignorant for that).

I used to say if I could shit gold bricks they would complain they were too small. Best thing about divorce is not having to see those mean and spiteful **** ever again …that and knowing i will out live them

I have nothing helpful to add…you may have realised this by now 😉

I very much doubt anything you do will change them or how they are towards you so decide if you can tolerate it or not.

I’ve tried to point out that we simply have different values and in response they pointed out that’s what all poor, unsuccessful people say.

Again, they can only hurt you if you give a ****. Stop it and stop justifying yourself. Shrug, laugh, whatever. Just make sure that you communicate to them that you don’t give a toss.

Get their house valued by an estate agent – while they’re in. Borrow on that basis and live as extravagantly as they think you should.

Confront them with it – they wo9n’t change but you know you’ll have given them the chance and then decide whether or not to move – doesn’t need to be far just as long as you make it clear you’re moving to get away should get the message home

If they said that to me I would say that is what all selfish amoral **** say and its shame they value everything in terms of money as you dont and you feel the same about them as they do about you.

Its pointless trying if they will only judge you by their standards rather than whether you are good husband and your wife is happy.

If they said that to me I would say that is what all selfish amoral **** say and its shame they value everything in terms of money as you dont and you feel the same about them as they do about you.

Its pointless trying if they will only judge you by their standards rather than whether you are good husband and your wife is happy.

Quite right JY. And that is what hurts me the most. That they don’t see that, despite our lack of wealth, their daughter has the sort of life she wants. We didn’t chase money because neither of us were/are motivated by it. That is exactly why we clicked with one another in the first place and why we have been together since we were 19 years old.

All her parents see though, is that we don’t have much money so we have failed miserably. I suppose I also feel hurt more so on behalf of my wife. That her own parents don’t see how brilliant she is (obvious bias on my part).

You sound like you’re comfortable with your lives and the choices you have made. Don;t let them spoil it because they judge you by standards that you don’t adhere to.

Have a think about why it hurts you. Is it because you secretly think there’s some truth in what they say? Is it because you think you should get on with them for your wife’s sake? Is it simply because you don’t like people being nasty?

Understanding why it affects you so much is a good first step in dealing with it.

Ben everyone wants to be liked [ ok not on the internet but the real world]and especially by their partners parents even if they are ****.
However if folk dont approve and they only will if you become like them, which will never happen, I say why worry and put some distance between you – not enough to miss out on inheritance though 😉
make sure your wife is on side with whatever you decide as really its her problem as they are her parents