Meaningless ad phrases that make you stop reading

A couple of stw facebook posts recently have made we aware that some phrases just make me stop reading further, even if that makes no sense.

Exhibit 1:’Gamechanger’ 1×11. I’m not even going to get wound up into full rant mode over gamechanger. The only thing you can be quite sure of is that the product isn’t going to change any games and if lucky might just be noticed on the playing field for a few minutes before someone else is brought on instead

Exhibit 2:’Smart Wash’. All this tells me is that the company isn’t successful enough to employ full time marketing people who can come up with a real name therefore best to avoid

Anyone else got any signals that tell them to ‘stop reading here’?

Exhibit.

🙂 .

“It’s the X re-imagined”

Usually whatever X is doesn’t need ‘the-imagined’ the attendant pictures of bearded tattooed hipsters or the ludicrous price tag attached…

“Up to 100%”

Wide ratio gear system……..

You just know it will have a narrower ratio of gears than it’s predecessor!

“An exciting new….”

If you’re excited by it you need to get a life and it’s almost certainly not new.

“Unique” and “Exclusive” in marketing terms always annoy me. Basically meaningless.

bearded tattooed hipsters

that by itself does it actually

Nearly new – WTF does that mean?
It’s either new or not new.

ITS Bloody used your gorm

Curated.

‘Revolutionary’

As used by Apple with every single new iteration of their products that just now includes the things the previous version should of had.

“Up to 100%”

Beat me to it. Every time I see “up to…” it immediately engages my inner sceptic. Why are you telling me a product’s theoretical maximum limit rather than a minimum or typical, especially when it’s an intangible metric like “cleaning performance” or “comfort”?

“Up to” 40Mbps broadband, in lab conditions and 512Kbps in the real world; save “up to” 50% in the sales, there’s a half price button (three in stock) and every other sale item is 10% off.

It’s a meaningless marketing excuse to print big numbers, don’t fall for it.

Gamechanger – I fell for it with a Reverb, FFS stopping and moving a seat collar cost me no more than a tenner and I got to have a breather.

“Executive” anything. What does that even mean?

Gamechanging?
Well having gone 1x on 10sp the sram version is game changing in doing what it does for me. As for the dropper as I hit the pedally section of the race stage today it certainly didn’t inspire me to stop and play with my seat collar

Designed by riders for riders.

Aren’t they all?

meaningless

offering guaranteed returns…

excellent bike ripe for upgrading…

None bike related – when the marketers don’t quite get the techy jargon right.

Marketing Director in my last job couldn’t understand Broadband Speed units, I always had to correct his flyers that had Megabytes, Megs, Mbts.

PC World ads at one bit used to say a laptop had “a huge 4 Gig Memory”. I’d be near exploding with frustration at how wrong that sounded.

None bike related – when the marketers don’t quite get the techy jargon right.

Marketing Director in my last job couldn’t understand Broadband Speed units, I always had to correct his flyers that had Megabytes, Megs, Mbts.

I went through a phase in a previous job where myself and other Techs were writing technical documents, then Marketing were “correcting” everything we wrote by changing terminology to things they’d heard of and totally changing the meaning in the process. Ended up having to have a “see these letters? Leave them alone” conversation with them.

saw one on my way to work today .

local golf course has a “bistro”

2 course £8 in 8 minutes or you eat free……

sounds freshly cooked to me.

As for the dropper as I hit the pedally section of the race stage today it certainly didn’t inspire me to stop and play with my seat collar

Yeah but that only works if you were a faffer before … didnt stop before and i wouldnt stop now…… id just have started the ride with the seat down 3/4 of an inch – Never even “slammed” my seat when i raced down hill.

‘you need this’

Good for you trail rat, come rolling with me on Sunday, seat at 3/4 inch down will be fun. Was chatting with a very talented xc rider this evening (he has his stripes) whines racing the enduro with us, he listed bigger rotors, tougher wheels etc. For this asked him about a dropper and he said course I’ve got one of those.

Gastro anything..

If there is a sign saying “Gastro pub” I don’t even read the menu. It seems to be a fairly new word to describe a pub selling decent food. If it’s decent food just say “good food”, don’t shove Gastro in front of the word pub, put some fancy sauce in your burgers and call it Gastro. Boils my piss when I hear people saying it.

Artisan. Makes me run a mile.

Cockpit – to describe stem and handlebars.
Real Estate – to describe the amount of space on a handlebar

Artisan would be OK if it referred to real artisans.

Gastro anything.

Ditto for “gourmet”.

Curated.

+1000

how does one go rolling ? is that a marketing term for riding ~:D

i do actually have a dropper mike…. i just dont find my self using it even on the steep stuff and probably wont buy another.

Not marketing specific but announcements/notices with unnecessary words boil my piss eg

will all customers kindly please note that for your protection and safety we regret that smoking of any sort is not permitted on the platform and we thank you kindly in advance for your cooperation thank you

It’s not rude to say things directly and clearly!

Nearly new – WTF does that mean?
It’s either new or not new

the meaning is pretty clear.

I went through a phase in a previous job where myself and other Techs were writing technical documents

Ugh

“only used for 1 ride”

is that like my pro 2 evo wheels where the bearings died after 1 ride …..it was 1 ride from skye to montrose but 1 ride none the less….

Hand cooked. As opposed to feet?
Artisan. No it isn’t.
Gravel Bike. W**k.

If there is a sign saying “Gastro pub” I don’t even read the menu. It seems to be a fairly new word to describe a pub selling decent food

Moreover, it’s code for food served on driftwood, roofing materials or in a dog bowl.

Ugh

Oops, sorry about that. It was a pre-coffee post.

Ah,I see it’s not just me then. A lot of these have got me twitching

, it’s code for food served on driftwood

there’s another massive thread right there. What’s wrong with plates, really

So good it’s not available in shops

Classic Retro look

What about “Pan Fried” ?

Would that mean fried in a pan then, as opposed to frying it in something inappropriate.

I also like my sauce “Drizzled” on, as opposed to what exactly. Rained on, poured on ? How do they drizzle it then, make a cloud of it and hope it almost rains ?

What about “Pan Fried” ?

As in not deep fried.

“Artisan” makes me want to bite people.

“Homemade” in a Harvester, I doubt it.

Anything in ‘kitchen French’.

“Proactive” when it’s just a throwaway positive or meaningless.

“PIN number”

“Monies” yuk, I worked in a bank for 10 years, every time some **** came in and wanted “monies” to pay for their “property” I died a little inside, you’d like to borrow some money to buy a house, or perhaps a home for you and your family – using “monies” and “property” doesn’t make you sound like Gordon Gecko, it’s makes you sound like a moron.
Britain lost its way When we stopped saying Home and started saying Property, relegating the physical core of family life to some non-descript item that’s only value lay in pounds and pence – go to any Lost Property Department, they’re not there to help people find their way home, they’re there to help people find an umbrella so unimportant we simply forgot it existed for a moment when we got off the train.