Make me laugh – jokes please !!

Termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bartender”

When I was young my fairy Godmother said I could either have a long memory or a long penis.
For the life of me I can’t remember which one I chose.

Some beauts here! Special credit to codybrennin.

I swear these jokes came to me in a dream one night. As soon as i woke up I told them to my wife. By the evening I’d forgotten them and had to ask her what they were:

What’s grey and hot?
Elephant curry.

What’s grey and cold?
Elephant curry in the fridge.

And here’s one i made up for the roadies among us:
What’s a policeman’s favourite brand of bar tape?
Deda deda deda deda deda….

Why does Gerry Adams have such strong tea?
Because he uses ‘tae baaaags’

(two bags)

IGMC

What do you get if you cross an octopus and a squirrel?

A visit from the Ethics Committee and immediate withdrawal of funding.

what’s round and sounds like a trumpet?

a crumpet.

A burglar is committing his first crime, he is nervously moving around in a dark house when he hears “Jesus is coming”, he freezes and looks around but cant see anyone so he continues creeping about. Again he hears “Jesus is coming” he is getting very nervous now and sees something in the corner. It’s a parrot in a cage, he looks at the name plate on the front of the cage and it says Moses.

“Who calls a parrot Moses?” asks the burglar

The parrot replies “The same people who call their Rottweiler Jesus”

What’s green and empty?

Orville’s bum.

Went into B&Q the other day and this bloke dressed in orange asked if I wanted decking.

Luckily I got the first punch in.

Be careful out there.

My dog’s got no nose

How does he smell??

awful!!

Patient: “Doctor, I can’t stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home”.

Doctor: “You have what we call ‘Tom Jones’ Syndrome'”.

Patient: “Is it common?”

Doctor: “No, but it’s not unusual.”

englishman, american and frenchman happen upon a lamp and give it a rub.
The genie appears and grants the a wish each.
The american goes first; “I wish for my beautiful homeland to be forever fertile” “Done” says the genie and the USA instantly flourishes into a bountiful paradise.
The frenchman says; “I wish to retain the purity of my beautiful homeland. I would like a wall to be built around france so that nothing can get in or out” Boom! a 200ft wall appears around france.
The english man is next and asks; “so tell me more about this wall”
The genie informs him that it is 200ft high, and nothing can get in or out.
“Nothing?” asks the englishman.
“Nothing” responds the genie.
“Fill it with water please”

My friend Jim Apple has terrible difficulty introducing himself when on holiday in France.

Something about a 12″ pianist.

A man walks into a bar

Celine Dion walks into a bar, the barman says “What’s with the long face?”

Bloke walks into the dentists. The recpetionist says “Can I help you?”
Bloke says “I am a moth.”
Receptionist says “I beg your pardon?”
Bloke says “I am a moth.”
Receptionist says “It’s not a dentist you need, it’s a psychiatrist.”

“Oh I know that” says the bloke, “But I was on my way past and your light was on.”

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees.
I thought she was joking

…but then I saw her face

Two nuns on a tandem one says I’ve never come this way before, the other says no it must be cobbles

I spent a couple of hours at the wife’s grave this evening……

Bless her, she thinks I’m digging a pond 🙂