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  • Make me laugh – jokes please !!
  • muppet4
    Free Member

    Won’t go into to much detail but I could do with a laugh at the moment, my boy is not quite as far along with his chemo than I would have hoped for.
    Tell me some jokes !!

    Stoner
    Free Member


    toppers3933
    Free Member

    Janet street porter walks into a bar. Says to the barman ‘can it get a large apéritif?’
    He replies ‘I doubt it love.’

    johndoh
    Free Member

    Stoner

    I do believe the writer of that is my old boss 🙂

    tom84
    Free Member

    what do you get if you cross an onion and a donkey?

    answer: a piece of ass that’ll bring a tear to your eye

    (as told -brilliantly- by willie nelson in dukes of hazard)

    Cougar
    Full Member

    I’ve just started playing triangle in a reggae band.

    I just stand at the back and ting.

    northernmatt
    Full Member

    See Viz for more

    CaptainFlashheart
    Free Member

    I’m making a film about the Greek alphabet.

    It’s a psi phi.

    CheesybeanZ
    Full Member

    Somewhere in Ireland a teacher asks her class:
    “Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hoods lady friend?”
    Young Paddy raised his hand and says “Trudy Glenn miss”
    “No Paddy” says the teacher. “The answer is Maid Marion”.
    “But Miss, what about the song we used to sing”,
    “Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn”.

    4130s0ul
    Free Member

    how do you determine the gender of an ant?
    throw it in a glass of water.
    if it sinks it’s a girl ant.
    if it floats, bouyant

    thegreatape
    Free Member

    Why did the Frenchmen only have one egg?

    Because one egg is enough.

    johndoh
    Free Member

    Surely that should read une oeuf is une oeuf.

    Jeez 😉

    bencooper
    Free Member

    “Because in France one egg is une oeuf.”

    Jeez x2

    Xylene
    Free Member

    There’s a reason those aren’t funny anymore.

    Can you tell what it is yet?

    (Credit to scotroutes for that one…)

    I thought you were being a bit of a dick there, then I slowly got it.

    How do Nepalese secret agents like their martini’s?

    Shaken, not stirred.

    johndoh
    Free Member

    😀

    Xylene
    Free Member

    I made that eathquake joke up myself.

    I’m sort of proud of it.

    thegreatape
    Free Member

    Well I don’t see that it matters which way round I write it, only an idiot wound fail to read it in a French accent. Harrumph.

    Xylene
    Free Member

    ^ what about us that don’t know the word for egg in french?

    Stevet1
    Free Member

    There’s a reason those aren’t funny anymore.

    Can you tell what it is yet?
    But that’s Rolf Harris, unless I’m having a dim moment and missed the joke.

    Xylene
    Free Member

    ^ It is.

    It is like top trumps of nonces, Rolf trumped Jimmy in the jokes and came after Jimmy in the news, so was bigger news.

    or something like that.

    ComradeD
    Free Member

    Whilst I was flying back from Berlin, sausages exploded in my luggage.

    It really was the wurst case scenario.

    codybrennan
    Free Member

    A man walks into a bar, stops and stares: at the other end of the bar, there’s this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, “Say, what’s up with the guy with the big orange head?” And the bartender says, “It’s an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he’ll tell it to you.”

    So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, “Yeah, I’ll bet you want to know the story, eh?” To which the man replies, “Sure, if you don’t mind.”

    The man with the big orange head sighs and says, “You know, I’ve gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it’s like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little — when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

    “The genie thundered, ‘You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.’

    The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: “So I said, ‘Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.’

    “The genie says, ‘Your wish is granted.’ And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills — I mean, I was loaded!

    “So I said, ‘Amazing! Okay, for my next wish, I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.’

    “The genie says, ‘Your wish is granted.’ The ocean parts, and out walks a gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

    “The genie booms, ‘You have one wish remaining.'”

    The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer.

    He says, “Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong.

    I wished for a big orange head.”

    RopeyReignRider
    Free Member

    What’s the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

    One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

    IGMC

    willjones
    Full Member

    @johndoh – ex Brahm too?!

    connect2
    Full Member

    The world expert on wasps of the world and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by a record shop, a sign catches his eye: “Just Released – New LP – ‘Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make’ – available now!”

    Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

    “I am the world expert on wasps of the world and the sounds that they make. I’d very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window.”

    “Certainly sir,” says the young man behind the counter. “If you’d like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I’ll put the LP on for you.”

    The world expert on wasps of the world goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, “I am the world expert on wasps of the world and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those.”

    “I’m sorry sir”, says the young assistant. “If you’d care to step into the booth again, I can let you have another 10 minutes.”

    The world expert on wasps of the world and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and puts on the headphones again. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. “I don’t understand it”, he says, “I am the world expert on wasps of the world and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can’t recognize any of those!”

    “I’m terribly sorry sir” says the young man, “perhaps if you’d like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes.”

    Sighing, the world expert on wasps of the world and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.

    Five minutes later he comes out again, clearly agitated.

    “I am the world expert on wasps of the world and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognized none of the wasps on this LP.”

    “I really am terribly sorry”, says the young assistant ….

    “I’ve just realized I was playing you the bee side.”

    tthew
    Full Member

    Bloke walks past a bakery window, and sees two identical looking cakes, one priced twice as much as the other. So, he wanders in and ask’s the owner.

    ‘how come that cake’s twice the price of the other one?’
    ‘ah’ says the owner. ‘That’s me-dearer cake’

    mogrim
    Full Member

    Whitney Houston has been drug free for over 3 years now.

    “Knock knock”
    “Who’s there?”
    “The pilot”

    From: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/35lfam/what_is_an_offensive_joke_that_you_find_funny_but/

    richmtb
    Full Member

    (Helps if you can imagine an Irish accent)
    Father O’Shea is on his rounds and pops into see Farmer Patrick one day.

    They sit down for a nice cup of tea and a catch up, Father O’Shea notices a pig walking round the farmhouse with a wooden leg.

    “Patrick”, says the priest, “I can’t help but notice that pig wondering round with a wooden leg, what’s going on there?”,

    “Well Father, let me tell you about that pig.”, replies Patrick, “What an amazing animal”.

    Father O Shea leans forward intrigued, “Go on then”.

    “Two weeks ago little Micky and Paddy Jnr were playing in the barn and the damn thing went on fire. I tried to rush in to save them but the flames blocked me. That pig, That pig there! Ran through the flames and dragged each of me boys out by the scruff of their necks”

    “What an amazing story” replied the incredulous priest. “Never in all my years have I heard such a story. But Patrick?”

    “Yes, Father”

    “Why the wooden leg!”

    “Well Father, you’d not be eating a pig like that all at once now would you”

    muppet4
    Free Member

    😆

    pocketrocket
    Free Member

    I took the kids to the zoo the other day.
    It wasn’t very good, there was only one dog there,
    In fact it was a shih tzu

    trailofdestruction
    Free Member

    Q. Why shouldn’t you insult Italian bakers?

    A. ‘Cos they’ll beat the Focaccia.

    Had to cancel “Army Pigeon: The Musical”, after being told I couldn’t stage a military coo.

    Maybe the guy who invented the boomerang just couldn’t afford a dog.

    All shamelessly stolen from https://twitter.com/Pundamentalism

    chambord
    Free Member

    Edited due to probably bad taste but it wasn’t that bad but i don’t want an argument 🙂

    czthompson
    Full Member

    I was waiting in the doctors the other day and a bloke walked in wearing clingfilm for pants and nothing else. A doctor was called and as he walked in he looked at the man and said “I can clearly see you’re nuts”.

    zippykona
    Full Member

    greatbeardedone
    Free Member

    A friend of mine has just completed a work pacement at sizewellB nuclear power station.

    They gave him a glowing report!

    djglover
    Free Member

    Why did the scarecrow win an award

    Because he was out standing in his field

    tomhoward
    Full Member

    I used to be a gynaecologist, but I still like to keep my hand in.

    greatbeardedone
    Free Member

    Yet another celebrity’s been caught trying to hump a washing machine, a fridge, a toaster, a kettle and an electric hob.

    Police are going to charge him with ‘indesit’ assault!

    Scapegoat
    Full Member

    My grandfather was killed by a Zulu.

    He was having a shit at Whipsnade and the roof collapsed.

    Scapegoat
    Full Member

    The Saville family have bowed to public pressure and removed Jimmy’s headstone and the commemorative shrubbery from his grave.

    Ironically that left a little slot and no bush…….

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