Less stress/going with the flow tips

Time with people works for me.

In my early 30’s I commuted each day to London, barely speaking to anyone, I did this for 5 years and it turned my hair grey. Loved the job but hated the commute – so I left. Many years later, I now work from home and spend lunchtimes at a gym – I either do weights/swim/or classes. But talk to people who have nothing to do with my work but have interesting stories to tell. Weekends with cycling group and evening with mates I grew up with.

My blood pressure has gone down quite markedly but I will never get my black hair back.

I just ask myself a series of questions:

Does it impact me, is it my fight?  The news is full of Trump, culture war bullshit, the Tory leadership race, Israel.  And while deep down I may be right-on-progressive-left-and-woke, If I think about it too much I’ll either have a breakdown or end up chained to a motorway gantry, neither of which benefit me.  Switch off and read a fiction book.

If yes, can I do anything about it?  There’s no point stewing over things I can’t have a meaningful impact on.  The bulldozers are coming in a couple of months to flatten the local woods / fields and build a housing estate.  This upsets, me.  But I can’t dop anything about it so I just choose to ignore that it’s happening.

Once that’s done, the pile of “problems” stressing me out is smaller.

I’m now beginning to think that all these attempts to improve myself are actually the opposite of what I need to be doing. I still want to be fit and healthy (and that seems to be much harder in my 50’s) but surely the answer should be about being more relaxed rather than regimented and actually finding the time to just enjoy life. In my head I’d like to be a laid-back surfer dude but in reality I’m a stressed out, angry old man!

Which of those self-help things would actually make you happy?

If going for a run at 6am makes you happy, then do it and it’ll become a routine.  But don’t do it because someone on the internet told you it’s the secret to happiness.  Personally my 6am happy place is a posh coffee and a vegan sausage sandwich whilst I watch the runners go past in the freezing cold, then I ride my bike to work which does make me happy.

Same with healthy eating.  Some skinny oik telling you that diet coke is basically poison is Tik-Tok gold. But they’ve become an influencer because they’re skinny and obnoxious, not because they gave up fizzy drinks.  Yes there are negative health effects of sweeteners, but they’re dwarfed by things that we actually know kill you like stress, or sugar.  So drink the diet drink and chill out about it.

Find something to be joyful about as often as possible.

This +1

I go for a lunchtime walk and the highlight of my day is laughing out loud as someone else’s  spaniel / Labrador launches itself into the muddy lake after the ducks as the owner franticly tries to get it out / clean and the fisherment look angry / miserable. Dogs + Schadenfreude is great.

Sorry to read that multiple peeps on here are having a hard time of it, but sincerely well done just for saying so.

@Rockbus @bikerevivesheffield Not sure whether you’ve ever considered any talking therapy (AKA psychotherapy, counselling, CBT, etc) but it might help you get to the bottom of the patterns of thinking and behaviour in order to change them. You usually have to dig deep to enact fundamental change, which involves discussing it with a professional. Treat yourself to an hour or two per week in therapy and all the other hours could feel more manageable. Depending on your organisation, you may even be able to get support through work.

The 5 steps to mental wellbeing are very helpful.

The problem with most self help books are that they’re 1% content with 99% filler that’s mostly hype and crap pseudoscience.

OP a lot of the things that you’re doing sound a bit quick fixy and faddy if I’m honest. All those things help some of the people some of the time.

I’ve found that self-compassion is the most useful thing. A lot of self help is the antithesis of that if I’m honest.

There are some things I do well, and some thing less well. That’s ok, and I’m in a better position than I was  a year ago.

Depending on your organisation, you may even be able to get support through work.

Great point. Most EAPs will offer a certain amount of counselling to staff, so check if yr employer has one.

If not/additionally, and if you’re struggling with work, have a look at the Access to Work Mental Health Support Service. This is funded by gov’t and supports you and your employer in how to manage stress/anxiety etc. so you don’t end up off sick. For full disclosure, my company is one of the providers, but it’s a genuinely useful service IMO and plugs the gap between OH and therapies. Especially for smaller firms.

Many years later, I now work from home and spend lunchtimes at a gym – I either do weights/swim/or classes. But talk to people who have nothing to do with my work but have interesting stories to tell. Weekends with cycling group and evening with mates I grew up with.

I need to do this. I’ve always been a natural loner but these days it’s enforced rather than optional as people have drifted far and wide and I can’t just ring anyone and arrange to play out.

Also RIP my thick black hair. I blame mine on having a kid 3 years ago.

Finding your flow can help you zone out of the usual head nonsense…could be biking, guitar, art…. anything…..

https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/456785/the-pathway-to-flow-by-christensen-dr-julia-f/9781529912296

For work stuff….

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/103521058-stoic-at-work

Many years later, I now work from home and spend lunchtimes at a gym – I either do weights/swim/or classes. But talk to people who have nothing to do with my work but have interesting stories to tell. Weekends with cycling group and evening with mates I grew up with.

+1

It’s all great saying “get out and ride more for your mental health” but I find doing it with someone far more beneficial (even if it’s just done in almost silence with fellow introverts).  All the extra little dopamine hits from keeping up / beating someone.  It’s also good for the endless variety, Over the winter the roadie club tends to retreat to doing the same few routes on night rides so we all learn where the potholes are.  Doing that solo would be downright stressful but in a group there’s always something more interesting to focus on (holding  a wheel an don’t crashing) than the route itself.

This’ll be an unpopular take, but I don’t find this place to be particularly great for mental wellbeing.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s load of useful information on here, but there’s also loads that isn’t particularly healthy.

OP, hope you don’t think these comments are out of order.

You’ve posted a lot  over the past few years about how you can find and stick to a plan – it’s there again in your post starting this thread. But as you hint at in that post, your life is not really at a point where you can make a plan and guarantee to stick to it. When I was at a similar stage in life, my work was completely unpredictable, so I couldn’t commit to any weekday activities, because I simply didn’t know if I was going to be around, and even if I was at home I was likely to have to take a child somewhere or collect a child from somewhere. So forget the planning. Relax. Forget the targets but be better at grabbing the opportunities. Be less prescriptive about what you want to do. Don’t say ‘I haven’t got time for that 40 mile ride I wanted to do’, instead say ‘I’ve got 90 minutes, I can do 15 miles and get showered ready for the next thing’. If you can find one spot a week that you can keep sacrosanct then great, go for it – I used to get out for 2 hours every Sunday at 08:00 with my riding buddy for a muddy bridleway ride, and anything else was a bonus.

And I know we live in the same town, so I’m still here if you fancy a road/gravel/mtb ride any time.

I spent years putting myself under pressure, wanted to do well at work to provide for my family and wanted to do well at home with my family. Trouble was I feel the doing well at work kinda took a bit from doing well as a Dad, never home before 8pm sometimes more like 10pm and being retail I worked most Saturdays, lots of Sundays and I have worked Every Christmas since 1989 so missed lots of the special times. I would always worry about money as we tend to live month to month with no real savings, but we are comfortable (no fancy hols etc but can pay the bills ok) so not complaining, Last Christmas things came to a head at work, there was a huge project coming up/I was knackered from yet another Christmas in Retail and was getting very ill (lost 10kg in a few months) and lost it with my boss telling him to stick it as I was unsupported and being hung out to dry and there was no was I was doing the project the way things were as it was going to be a car crash! I told him he could move me/find me another role or I would find myself another job. TBH I am not sure what happened behind the scenes but I got a move and  I now work half a mile from home, go home for lunch and am home by 6pm in a role that’s a couple of grades down……but still getting the same money for a fraction of the grief! Wish I had done this years ago. It was tough letting go of the role I did for the last 15years  (the car crash I warned him about is happening) but it’s not my problem now but I feel for the team I left behind.