Instant personalised verbal abuse

I’m amazed by some people’s ability to do this. Not just hair trigger instantaneous swearing, or general abuse to a stereotype (e.g. cyclist, fat, bald) but personalised abuse that could only have been concocted just for me.

Now I don’t get verbal abuse often, but from time to time it does happen whether I’m on walking, on public transport, cycling, or driving. And not in situations where the orator of the abuse has had even a few seconds to construct the perfect insulting abuse ready to deliver. Something happens, then within a second the opening swear word is out followed by the personalised abuse, so that’s max 2 seconds to make observations to inform the insult.

I can only dream of such quick thinking. How do these people manage it? Can you? Do they practice? Do they preemptively invent this abuse for all people in the vicinity in case it may be needed?

How on earth do you manage to trigger such verbal personal abuse  “whether I’m on walking, on public transport,

cycling, or driving”?  I must be doing something wrong….

How do these people manage it?

A lifetime of thought and practice in being a nasty and hate filled human?

How on earth do you manage to trigger such verbal personal abuse  “whether I’m on walking, on public transport,

cycling, or driving”?

I didn’t say it was frequent. Just that when it happens, it seems very well thought out given how quickly it comes.

e.g. cycling through a pedestrian crossing when someone who hasn’t seen me starts crossing on red, getting onto a packed train and asking people to move along to make room, clipping my umbrella on someone else’s umbrella.

35 yrs of marriage

Sounds more of a case of you taking it personally, how can a complete stranger say something personal that isn’t immediately obvious? Does not compute.

Micromanagement Toad.

The instant description I can give this person is micromanagement toad, who is a colleague of mine.  Pain in the backside.

Sounds more of a case of you taking it personally, how can a complete stranger say something personal that isn’t immediately obvious? Does not compute.

Well it does register when it’s actually true I’m afraid. But it’s the quick thinking that I’m interested in.

Yes it’s obvious to see if someone’s fat or ginger as a yes/no question, but start from a blank piece of paper and in two seconds how many things can a normal person spot and then construct accurate insulting comments about?

I think we need a clearer example- what was the last one you got?

I’ll paraphrase, all of these are or were unfortunately true at the time.

f* skinny balding speccy short arse c* you look like a …

f* black silent death beardy c* (while cycling wearing a bright jersey and black gilet)

wheres your f* bell, f* spotty little b*

Sounds like general observation rather than something actually personal. They’re commenting on appearances or what you happen to be doing at the time, that’s nothing particularly clever, they’re just a bit quicker at getting an insult out.

I loved with that shit for a long time, it’s not healthy to consider it personal or give them a second thought.

f* skinny balding speccy short arse c* you look like a…

were unfortunately true at the time.

So what’s the mystery?

I think it’s just a case of say what you see

Your bikes and boots are **** you bike riding, boot wearing ****

That’s all fairly standard IME.  The real trick is in assesseing what you think someone’s vocabulary limit might be and injecting words that they may not understand…you can then watch the slight moments of confusion start to mix with anger and indignation.  Good fun.

Come north of the border and you find 6million with the talent.

I love it.

A man walks into an office.

Man: Good morning, I’d like to have an argument, please.

Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?

Man: No, this is my first time.

Receptionist: I see, well we’ll see who’s free at the moment. Mr. Bakely’s free, but he’s a little bit concilliatory. No. Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12.

Man: Thank you.

He enters room 12.

Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?

Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that…

Angry man: DON’T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!

Man: What?

A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!

M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!

A: OH! Oh! I’m sorry! This is abuse!

M: Oh! Oh I see!

A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.

M: Oh…Sorry…

A: Not at all!

A: (under his breath) stupid git.

Shut up Disney cartoon features.
Made 100x better with a Stourbridge (Black Country) accent, features being ‘‘faychures’’, and between two friends on a train, so possibly doesn’t count.
I don’t think I’ve ever been verbally abused by a stranger let alone multiple times and with style. What are you doing you fat skinny dark coat bright Lycra wearing human walking cycling ****.

Come north of the border and you find 6million with the talent.

I love it.

This is a true point. The Scots have insult down to a fine art, maximising both the language used and the delivery of the words. There’s also a fine mix of rude words, repurposed words, and old Scots words which adds a certain je ne said quoi to things.

getting onto a packed train and asking people to move along to make room

Pissing hell you must be the living embodiment of Satans spawn. Don’t you know you’re supposed to just barge your way through to the empty part of the carriage.

I remember that episode of Peep Show where Mark gets bullied by some kids.. “F* off, clean shirt!”

Maybe it’s just practice from being educated at the university of life and hard knocks.

I’m pretty sure you can practice this sort of skill by engaging heavily with the political threads on here.

is it the same person insulting you? Have you just really piffed him off?

f* black silent death beardy c*

“Silent death”? What does that even mean?

“Silent death”? What does that even mean?

He who smelt I dealt it.

He who smelt I dealt it.

Oh well if you’re going to fart at someone you deserve all you get.

Oh well if you’re going to fart at someone you deserve all you get.

Depends?

Did you not want to talk to them anymore? 

Did they come across empty headed and make a living wiping down animal troughs?

Was their mother a hamster and did their father smell of elderberries?

If so, farting in their general direction is the accepted course of action.

As joshvegas said, head north of the wall and be schooled in the of the insult, ya soft princess.

Seriously just think of the kinda phrases that would get you at least a month’s ban from here then string then together with a few Fs and C’s.

The last “dialogue” I had with a driver I told them to grow up, act their age and set a better example to their kids in the back seat.

They must have been 70 and their ‘kids;’ about 40.

There was no comeback and it was glorious.

Oh well if you’re going to fart at someone you deserve all you get.

Not so much at – just in the general direction

There was no comeback and it was glorious.

I once told a lass by the name of Danielle Curtin to pull herself together, and got away with it.

You’ve got to do these things, it makes life worth living.  In my tech support days the lad on the desk across from me curated a list of Cougarisms in the front of his notebook.

@countzero

Wonderful stuff – instant flashback. Good old Monty Python 🙂

I remember that episode of Peep Show where Mark gets bullied by some kids.. “F* off, clean shirt!”

“You…. you… piss kidney” is another good one, as as soon as he’s said it his internal monologue muses over the fact that all kidneys are really piss kidneys

Eh, that’s not personal abuse or quick thinking. Just typical brainless idiot ‘me angry, no know what do’ response. That or you’re being abused by a time travelling small child. Baldy and speccy are 1980’s playground level abuse

Telling them you left your bell on your other bike, which is their mum, would make you the owner of a rapier like wit in that company.

Just yell back.

“Yer da sells Avon”

It will either confuse or delights.

“Silent death”? What does that even mean?

Approaching on a bike which doesn’t have an obnoxiously loud rear hub.

Oh, they missed out povvo then.

While on witty retorts, there was batsman Eddo Brandes who when being sledged by Glenn McGraith with ‘OI fatty… how come you’re so ****ing fat?, replied “because every time I **** your mum she gives me a biscuit