Impressive liars? (In a fun way!)

I’ve worked with one, always had high drama family stories and if you mentioned a family illness the next day she’d be off with that excuse. No one believed me so I said ‘watch’..

‘Mrshoras got shingles’.

The next day this girl phoned in sick with…..shingles!

After she left we had various calls from debt collectors chasing her.

Funnily enough we’ve had afew over the years. I’ve spotted them straight away whilst colleagues called me ‘negative’ or ‘cynical’. Funnily they always admit I was right post-event…

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/the-beatles/11750393/Very-musical-Heather-Mills-teaches-her-daughter-saxophone-because-Paul-McCartney-cant-read-music.html

Worked with 60 yearold 20 stone, 5ft tall, toothless dublin nort’sider who would regail us with tales of his conquests amongst other topics. The most memorable being:

” I was out lass noight an I was dancin’ wid dis black bord, she was loike destiny’s child, [cue several minutes of minutiae]… when I was finished wid ‘er she had an arse like a blood orange”

But for sheer outright outrageous lying you can’t beat my wife’s one particular nugget of gold.
“I don’t know how you make so much mess, I wash up as I go” NEVER, in ten years NEVER has there ever been an occasion where this has borne even the remotest resemblance to the truth.

Was in the TA when I was a lot younger. We had a corporal join our platoon who walked with a limp. He said he had been invalided out due to being shot in the thigh by a member of his team in the next room. Apparently the guy had shot an IRA suspect and the bullet had passed through the him and the wall then into our corporal. We called BS. Turned out it was true. Proper hard chap he was too

I’ll have to ask my bestie Macca if he can read music. I’m meeting him for a few pints and a balti later, so he should be able to clear this up for us. The only possible issue is that we are maybe getting together with Ringo too and he gets a bit jealous if Paul talks too much about his musical knowledge.

One of our contractors claimed he used to be in the SAS which we believed at first as he was very convincing and we had no reason not to.

He was caught out when he emailed an article to the whole office from the Guardian website detailing his exploits escaping from 100+ enemy soldiers and being awarded top honours.

The article was well written and looked genuine but by this time things were not adding up. After a bit of searching we found the article online. The story was true but it was not about him and it was a different conflict.

My favourite story of his though was when he got air lifted by 3 Chinooks whilst on his honeymoon in the Maldives as he had to go on a urgent mission.

I’ve known quite a few over the years.

A lad I’ve known 25 years now has always been the same, one better than anyone else. Recent ones are bought a Porsche for £5,000 so I arranged to see Him at the weekend to see this Porsche but, strangly he didn’t answer his phone and then came up with ” oh I sold that mate ”

CBA with him anymore

Another lad I knew reckoned he was a pursuit driver in the army, driving Imprezas etc between bases. ” 150 mph all way from catterick to brize norton ” or some other lies. .

Most of my Nigerian customers are deluding themselves that they can make a living with God’s help. Unfortunately most are operating with no safety net or margin so that when random things go wrong they crash and burn.

Last week at Legoland my 5 year old son confidently lied about his age to the ride operator so he could go on LegoLand City Driving School for which he needed to be 6 years old. He then went back the next day and did it again.

I was so proud.

Friend of mine convinced his wife that mole plough the gas company used to run a pipe into their house was actually a real mole. His wife, being prone to a bit of exageration told her colleagues about it and when they challenged her she tried qualifying the story by telling them that it was definately real as she had stroked the mole in its cage in the back of the engineers van.

Used to work with a chap who knew I followed motocross and had some compulsive urge to impress upon me how great he was at it. He claimed to have been a member of the Benson & Hedges schoolboy motocross team (because, of course, tobacco companies are big into sponsoring sport for young uns) but that he got dropped because he was trying to jump over a local canal and kept losing bikes in it. The tit.

Whilst dragging out a cushy afternoon of PAT testing at a large mobile phone company I overheard some rather tasty chats from the ladies, one I will never forget.

It went like this:

So I need to borrow a van
What for ?
To pick up my new bed !
How big does it need to be ?
Big enough for my new bed !
My Daves van is a big van !
Can I borrow your daves van ?
I will call him and ask him !
Hes not picking up, bet hes finished early and gone for a pint with the lads !
When will you know when he can pick my bed up !
I will tell him tomorrow ! (didnt hear anything about dave agreeing to pick up the bed)
3rd woman chips in

My fellas got a van !
Oh yeah what sort of van has he got ?
A bedford !
A bed Ford !
Yes a bedford ?

Thats probably better than daves van !

4th woman joins in.

bedford vans are the best vans I think !

Listening to this conversation left me feeling weak and giddy, on the way home that day I had to stop in lay by as I couldnt drive due to my continued giddiness !

The best one of these I can remember was on a holiday to Portugal. Me and a friend we staying in a hostel and were hanging out with the other travellers/residents/staff for the week. There were a couple of young Australian guys who by all accounts (verified by others not just their own) got themselves ridiculously drunk, puked everywhere, made a bit of an embarrasement of themselves a day or 2 before we got there.

Anyway, everynight these guys were smashing it, skulling vodka from the bottle, doing outrageous stuff, and one of them seemed to love getting his nob out infront of everyone when he was drunk. Jumping around on tables in bars, all sorts. Proper rowdy drunk jock behaviour…..then on the second to last night we were having a BBQ about 20 of us that were all in the hostel, up on the roof and while we are all eating these 2 guys break out the spirits and start downing them again, then as they are pouring themselves measures someone points out that the liquid they are pouring is clear, and the bottle they are pouring it from says it’s port. It has to be the most cringe worthy thing I have ever seen as first the realisiation that these guys are just being try hards and have been scared of drinking since their first night antics slowly goes round the group……..to be followed by the secondary realisation that all those things they did, they actually did completely sober

During my formative years we encountered a guy in his early 30’s who we knew as ‘Dave the Para’. He was an OK guy. Slightly nutty, potentially psycho but good fun to have a beer with and he befriended me and a fair few of the rugger lads I hung out with at the time.

We believed he was out of the services. He had the Para wings tattoo’d on his arm. Had a few funny stories to tell about his time in NI.

I started hearing rumours he was a bit of a con merchant. Bought a 2nd hand car but the cheque bounced. Conned a local off license into selling him a shed load of alcohol, he somehow blagged it was for some event at the Rugby club and got it on credit!

Finally the law caught up with him and he ended up in jail for 12 months. It was the local prison and my club ended up having a mid week game against the inmates. Who should turn out for the Prison XV? Dave the Para.

He got a bit of going over during the game. The funniest bit was when they were shepherded back onto the bus he stuck his head out of the door shouting ‘see you in a couple of months lads’ whilst giving us a wave.

He never did come back to the club. I think when he got out a few of the team made him aware under no certain circumstances was he 1) welcome back to the club or, 2) really welcome in town anymore.

I used to bump into him occasionally in the town where I worked. About 20 miles from where he used to live. One night we were out after work, me, a few colleagues and partners. And bumped into Dave the Para. One of my colleagues also knew him from the rugby days but Dave was a bit drunk and showing WAAAYY too much interest in my mate’s partner.

Words were exchanged and a bit of physical. Dave didn’t bother us any more that night.

Didn’t see much of him again. No idea if he really was in the Paras.

Thinking back there were a few times where he tried to line me and my mates up for a con. We just never bit.

Good thread this 🙂

had a mate who like to talk out of his arse when i was at sixth form. i named him Bily Bullshit.
in the final year he did reasonably well in his mock exams. so he went around telling the entire sixth form that his dad was going to buy him a brand new BMW M3 if he got straight B’s in his A levels. when we broke up we hardly saw him as he was busy “hitting the books”.
come results day he went into the school to collect his results. usually i’d get a lift off him but he left without me so i rode in on the bike. he was there already with his result in his hands and a face that looked like a dogs arse. he wouldnt show me his results so i snatched the paper off him….it said he got 2 E’s, an N and a U!!
he jumped into his car before i could take the piss out of him and drove off in a cloud of smoke. as i used to hang out with him all the time, everyone was asking me what he got….No M3! was my reply.
i went to his house straight after but he hadnt come home yet….he stayed away until the early hours and tried sneaking into the house only to get busted by his dad who had been waiting up for him all night.

once the dust settled he told us that he had managed to get himself onto a degree course at uni. we knew that was bollox from the grades he got….what he didnt tell us was that he had enrolled into a college in norwich to re-sit his a-levels under the guise of him being at uni doing engineering.

such a crap talker, i did the audio install on his car. we then took it out to fit it in his new car…i asked him to reconnect the old speakers back in while it took the head unit out. which wire goes where? erm…the thin connector goes on the thin terminal and the wide connector on the wide terminal… 😯
a week later he’s going round telling everyone at college that he did the install himself and even offered to do someone else’s for them!!

we got chased by a group of lads once who wanted a fight. during the chase our group got split up. some legged it while some of us had a stand off before the police arrived…Billy Bullshit was nowhere to be seen. he turned up 10 minutes later claiming that he got chased by the biggest of the other group and battered him in a back allyway. a neighbours son saw what happened to him. he said that the other lad caught him in the alleyway and slapped him twice after which he went down like a sack of spuds, crying like a baby.

he was a good lad really but he just couldnt help bullshitting….used to give the rest of us hours of laughter.
i’ve known a few like him but none were as bad or as hilarious as him!

Funny thing is, when things got tough work-wise in South Africa for white men (during the 90’s) lots of them used what they’d learned during their 2 years compulsory military service to move into “highly paid security services” in various pretty bad places around the world.

We have a few friends that did it and they’ve made some serious money, but they never, ever talk about what they did or what they’ve seen.

These are the best kind of guys.

When I was working for a defence company we had a contractor come in that claimed to have previously worked for Mclaren F1 and had a lot of detail about cars etc, knowing **** all about F1 and car in general I thought it was possible even though the bloke was a prized plank and could barely screw something down without cross threading the work. He constantly spoke of the time he spent with a young Lewis Hamilton and that he had photos with him etc, after badgering this guy for a few weeks he finally produced a ‘team photo’ including a man he claimed was himself with an arm around Lewis Hamilton. The bloke he said was himself was mid thirties and muscle bound while Keith was prepping for retirement, about 5’6″ and skinny as a rake. He was deadly serious.

The same guy also spoke about the Pink Floyd tribute band he used to play in and how they are now touring the world and play to crowds over 100k, ‘bigger and better than the floyd’ he would say.

We had some ‘special’ folks come in as contractors and one claimed to have dug the channel tunnel almost single handedly and during a rare occasion that snow hit Hereford/Worcester he also single handedly cleared the snow from Fromes Hill and while people waited at the bottom in their cars. The thing with the last fib was that he was in a mini bus with 16 or so other contractors who heard him tell this story, he showed no shame when he was called on his lie and continued to elaborate on the tale.

At the tail end of the 90s I was in my local, having a pint by myself, when in walked a guy with whom I’d been to school. He sat down and explained that he’d just got back from Ibiza, where he’d seemingly been responsible for supplying most of the narcotics that summer.

He asked if I wanted any speed. At that particular point in time I didn’t, and if I had wanted some, I wouldn’t have bought it from him.

He then went into some detail about how he shouldn’t really be demeaning himself by trying to sell drugs himself, as he had a ‘team of people on the streets’ doing that work for him.

Intrigued, I asked if he had any weed, but he couldn’t get hold of that at the moment due to some issues with the Mexicans and a missed shipment. The more I questioned, the more it became apparent that the guy who claimed to have chased the Scouse dealers off the White Island in order to dominate the drugs market couldn’t actually get hold of any illegal drugs whatsoever.

It was the most bollocks I have ever heard. I think I actually told him, meaningfully, to just f off in the end.

Had a friend of a friend claim he was on a train and it stopped as a cow had died on the lines. Apparently the train had pushed the cow down the lines and cooked it. So the train driver asked everyone to get off and started handing out cooked slabs of meat.

I shit you not.

I used to be bad for stupid lies… just little things to make my life seem more interesting when i was a kid. Looking bak, things were pretty interesting, it just didn’t seem that way.

We get all the Walts in the ambulance service. The most common is “I’m basically a Paramedic in the private sector, but the NHS won’t recognise my qualifications”. So why demean yourself by working 2 pay grades lower? Also the made up jobs, shootings/fatal RTC’s/funny ones, I sit in control all day, I know what goes on and who goes where, so why lie to me?

When i was in the TA i trained with a guy who was adamant he’d killed a terrorist on holiday in turkey and the TA asked him to join up and a girl who was related to the singer from linking park (Uncle chester).

The catering staff where I work refer to one of my colleagues as ‘Elevenerife’ (see Edd’s post on page 1) as he is a serial bullshi!!er. Virtually every conversation he has with anyone contains some element or other of complete fiction.

The latest one was when he claimed that his girlfriend had recently been appointed as KPMG’s youngest ever partner after only 5 years working since leaving uni. I called him on this one as I knew it wasn’t possible as she would have only just qualified professionally. His response? “Yeah, well, she’s so clever she qualified as a chartered accountant in a year.”

I wonder how many of the bullshitter stories are actually bullshit? 🙂

Or the bullshitters are just publishing their own stories online 🙂

nobody’s mentioned cavers yet.

wonder how many of the bullshitter stories are actually bullshit?

Agree, all bullshit. I heard most of them back when I was in the SAS.

When we’re you in out of breath?, I was in the LRDG meself.. got a vc for slapping rommel in the face… Good times…

I’ve got more medals than Kenny Daglish Sr and I.deffo knew Bruce Lee.

I must know you then monkeychild, my dad was Bruce Lee!

http://viz.co.uk/aldridge-prior-hes-hopeless-liar/

We’ve got an acquaintance (friend of a friend sort of thing) who is known as blacker-cat-Baz, cos if you’ve got a black cat his will be blacker. I’ve also worked with a couple of TA special forces types as well- mismatched camo gear anyone? 😆

Why do most of these bullshitters have such a fascination with the forces etc?

My dad was telling me about a bloke walking with his son on the South Downs recently. How you get round to tellng someone you’re ex SAS whilst holding a gate open don’t know… The fact that you also gave sore feet/blisters from walking suggests to me you probably were’nt!

Also, lost count of how many security guards I have met who were ‘ close protection’ for Madonna*
* a steward at Wembley?

Why do most of these bullshitters have such a fascination with the forces etc?

Its like people who believe in reincarnation. They always bang on about being Napolean, or one of the disciples, Or a Greek emporer in an earlier life. You never hear any of them say ‘yeah… I was a peasent who lived a life of grinding poverty before dying of typhoid when I was 15″. Which would be statistically about 15 billion times more likely

Up to the age of about 10 I told some whoppers 😆 one of the most memorable was that I knew some members of the London Road Rats motorcycle gang 😆 which was implausible as I lived in South Wales. None of my mates questioned it 😆

I just put it down to having an over active imagination.

I work with a guy who is very fond of the military, he is currently wearing a Russian paratrooper t shirt 😯 he has never been in the forces.

I think the funniest whopper I ever heard was from a pal of my ex wife. She’d been seeing a bloke for the last few months, quite seriously apparently but only once or twice a week.

Aha, he must be married we thought! My ex suggested that to her pal, who was pleased to confirm that he definitely wasn’t married but could only make it up to County Durham when he wasn’t working.

The rest of the time he spent in London.

Head of security apparently.

At the British Embassy.

I howled! 😀

I remember this one bloke who waved a piece of paper claiming that we were all in imminent danger of a chemical attach within forty-five minutes.

We knew it was bull, he knew that we knew it was bull but he went ahead and ordered an invasion anyway.

As a lie it wasn’t all that impressive, but 100,000 plus deaths later we’re still paying the price.

one poor sod was never allowed to forget his claims that his dad wheelied up Mt Everest

😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆

i bloody love this one! Perfect marriage of a kid’s narrow view of the world and an overactive imagination 😀

one poor sod was never allowed to forget his claims that his dad wheelied up Mt Everest
😆 😆 😆

i bloody love this one! Perfect marriage of a kid’s narrow view of the world and an overactive imagination

I once claimed, at some point in primary school when my knowledge of the topic was that it was something a bit rude, that my parents had definitely never had sex.

As a bloke from work always used to say “never let the truth get in the way of a good story”.