How to keep an unwanted brother in law out of the house?

No-one in my partners family can stand her brother-in-law, including me. He’s the type that will lecture you for hours on topics you’re clearly not interested in without having a back-and-forth conversation with you – it took him 2 days to actually ask what I did as a job last time he was down, all the while boring me with details of his job. After that visit my partner and I swore we wouldn’t have him in the house again – her sister and the kid are welcome, but not him!

Now we hear that they’re planning on coming down for a visit as his work is bringing him down this way for a few days. I can’t stand the idea of being a prisoner to him in my own home, but there has also always been tension between my partner and her sister so we don’t want to aggravate things further.

What are my options here? So far I’ve got:
Make up an excuse that I’m going to be away with work – but they might say “fine” and come anyway.
Let him come and bore him with details of bikes – I’d still have to look at his stupid smug face though.
Be honest and say we don’t want them to visit.
Whenever it is, use it as an excuse to go away on a cycling trip – the missus will still have to deal with him though, can’t imagine I’ll get away with disappearing!
Wee in his shoes and hoof him in the slats – actually very tempting.

Has anyone actually told him he’s boorish and self-centered?

Arrange to meet at a pub for a meal. Then you’ve only wasted a few hours, and can sit at the other end of the table!

I don’t see an option where you give the guy a chance and get to know him. If that’s not an option be honest with him.

Yawn obviously and start conversations with other people when he starts droning on. Make up a bullshit bingo chart of his sayings on the kitchen wall and tick them off in front of him.

Invite them over. Take him to the pub. Get utterly pissed, do the wee and slats thing. Be obnoxious. Tell him what for. With a bit of luck they won’t be back. Either that or smile sweetly and suck it up.

Options

1) Suck it up and deal with it as it is family

2) Deal with the likely shit storm of openly saying not welcome in my house you boring bastard

3 ) meet out for days doing things that are distracting/enjoyable and tolerating him.

4) E-mail link to this thread after having created an account for him and leave him to moan at us.

Tell them that there is no room at the inn as an internet weirdo is staying with you long term.

I like tea and toast in the morning.
Could you also make sure that I have the south facing room.
Thanks.

xx

No-one in my partners family can stand her brother-in-law, including me

even his wife?

I don’t see an option where you give the guy a chance and get to know him. If that’s not an option be honest with him.

^This^

As PJM says, has he been told he’s very ego centric? Might be worth confronting, perhaps in a semi lighthearted way, certainly not agressively. It might even be doing him a favour.

Tell him your’e to busy to meet them or just point out your opinion of him due to the last time they visited.

Arrange to meet at a pub for a meal. Then you’ve only wasted a few hours, and can sit at the other end of the table!

This would be what I’d do. “I’ve got a couple of hours, I’ll meet you at XYZ pub at 8pm”. Have a beer, take one for the team for 2 hours, then tell him you’ve got to go and leave. It’s much easier to manage if he’s not at your house and you meet him in a restaurant or pub instead.

Man, if that’s the extent of your problems just suck it up once or twice a year, it’s family, you can’t do anything about it.

My BIL is a psycho. A few years ago he started shouting and raving at his sister (my other half) and when I stuck up for her (as you would) he tried to fight me. We don’t talk at all.

This is the best solution. Control the meeting.

My BIL is a psycho. A few years ago he started shouting and raving at his sister (my other half) and when I stuck up for her (as you would) he tried to fight me. We don’t talk at all.

That’s an option i suppose?

martinhutch – Member

Yawn obviously and start conversations with other people when he starts droning on…….

My idea would be similar to this but more blunt. Just disagree with him or talk over him. Just because someone’s a boring self centred **** doesn’t mean you can’t interject. If he’s telling you about his job just be blunt and say “look I couldn’t give a toss about your job, or anyone else’s job it bores me to tears”. Just be direct, be assertive and he’ll soon get the message.

At the moment it sounds like he’s convinced of his own superiority and he’s dominating you (and everyone else). Once he cops on that you won’t play his game he’ll either give up, or he’ll concede some ground to you and probably become less of a **** to be around.

Just be direct, be assertive and he’ll soon get the message.

Do this too, but do it in a pub, or at least somewhere that’s not your house. It’s much easier to leave the pub than it is to kick him out your house.

Airsoft landmine?

In seriousness: Make a note to keep vewwy vewy qwuiet (and I mean like rapt students) when he’s espousing the next 2 hour lecture. He’ll feel a little exposed if you’re fortunate. But wait. He may yet feel further emboldened and get really into it. Wait for him to give sufficient pause to make you suspect the lecture over, then respond with ‘ Well that’s very f***** interesting!!!!’ and some good-natured laughter. It might well break the ice if he has any self-awareness at all.

I know one of these men. He sometimes becomes semi-self-aware, yet rather than twig that he’s boring me he’ll wrongly assume that I’m a mental dullard and then abruptly game-switch to some stunningly obvious small-talk.

Usually about bands he suspects I still like as much as I did when I did when was a teenager (bands about which he has no interest whatsoever). Excruciating.

Coincide his visit with a particularly long ride.Followed by a few pints.
Then clean bike and go to bed.
If they expect to stay , you all need to “get” measles or mumps three days before their arrival.
Seems a shame to make sis in law feel bad because He’s a self-centered halfwit,even if she did marry him.So I would suck it up and be quiet. Unless of course he is a racist,homophobic ,misogynist. In that case its bombers and wee. 😀

Just look totally disinterested when he bangs on, get your phone out, look at STW posts, he’ll soon get the message.

Has anyone actually told him he’s boorish and self-centered?

In a kind of jokey way, yes. He already knew that my partner didn’t like him when he started dating her sister as they knew each other at Uni.

I don’t see an option where you give the guy a chance and get to know him. If that’s not an option be honest with him.

I’ve known him for 7 years, and I kept trying to give him a chance thinking that maybe we were being unfair to him. We’re not – gf’s dad had a heart attack last year and he didn’t even go visit him despite living 20 mins from the hospital. Just an example of his personality!

Arrange to meet at a pub for a meal. Then you’ve only wasted a few hours, and can sit at the other end of the table!

Would be our preferred option, but then involves telling them they have to stay in a hotel rather than our spare room as they live ~3.5 hours away.

No-one in my partners family can stand her brother-in-law, including me –
even his wife?

She’s been moaning about him for the past 3 years – I’m surprised they haven’t divorced. He also treats her pretty badly, nothing physical, but more talking down to her, telling her she’s stupid, etc.

My gf’s father has had many quiet words with him about his behaviour over the years, none of which have sunk in, so I doubt that me telling him off will help any.

I’m fairly sure he doesn’t like me or the gf either, and I don’t think he really wants to come and stay. However, the company he works for seem to be pretty cheap, so I have a suspicion that they’ve asked him if there is anyone he can stay with while he’s working down here and he’s trying to use us as an alternative to a hotel!

Do not invite him to the house. Under absolutely no circumstances allow him to stay

As above pub lunch/dinner out with clear end time (as you’ve stuff to do) you may arrange this midweek so you don’t waste your weekend

Imo life is too short to waste it on stuff like this and under no circumstances should you feel like a prisoner in your own home. You are under no obligation to do so. If your wife insists on him coming to the house I personally would be tempted to be out all day/weekend on a “prior engagement”

Tell your partner that he’s not welcome in your house, full stop. and let her deal with it.

Then stay the **** out of it, as otherwise you will somehow end up to blame for everything.

Now we hear that they’re planning on coming down for a visit as his work is bringing him down this way for a few days

Would be our preferred option, but then involves telling them they have to stay in a hotel rather than our spare room as they live ~3.5 hours away.

Doesn’t sound like it’s your responsibility to house them to me?

Think yourself lucky. My BiL is an alcoholic/junkie and repeatedly comes round tanked up/off his head looking for money. 🙁

However, the company he works for seem to be pretty cheap, so I have a suspicion that they’ve asked him if there is anyone he can stay with while he’s working down here and he’s trying to use us as an alternative to a hotel!

Tell them you’ll meet them at the hotel where his company are putting him up. That way he can expense his part of the meal.

My idea would be similar to this but more blunt. Just disagree with him or talk over him. Just because someone’s a boring self centred **** doesn’t mean you can’t interject. If he’s telling you about his job just be blunt and say “look I couldn’t give a toss about your job, or anyone else’s job it bores me to tears”. Just be direct, be assertive and he’ll soon get the message.

At the moment it sounds like he’s convinced of his own superiority and he’s dominating you (and everyone else). Once he cops on that you won’t play his game he’ll either give up, or he’ll concede some ground to you and probably become less of a **** to be around.

The gf does this constantly, she rips the pi55 right out of him to the point that it can become uncomfortable. It just doesn’t seem to sink in that he’s boring us, he has a complete lack of self-awareness!

Go on holiday.

Lmao, he sounds like a couple of people I have the pleasure of working with. Just zone out, nod and put little gasps in where appropriate.

Sure he’s a twunt though and not just got some sort of condition that makes him that way?

She’s been moaning about him for the past 3 years – I’m surprised they haven’t divorced. He also treats her pretty badly, nothing physical, but more talking down to her, telling her she’s stupid, etc.

My gf’s father has had many quiet words with him about his behaviour over the years, none of which have sunk in, so I doubt that me telling him off will help any.

I’m fairly sure he doesn’t like me or the gf either, and I don’t think he really wants to come and stay. However, the company he works for seem to be pretty cheap, so I have a suspicion that they’ve asked him if there is anyone he can stay with while he’s working down here and he’s trying to use us as an alternative to a hotel!

Why is his staying with you even being contemplated?

Alternatively, wait till he’s in the area then go and visit the sister when you know he’s not there. Win-win.

Tell your partner that he’s not welcome in your house, full stop. and let her deal with it.

Then stay the **** out of it, as otherwise you will somehow end up to blame for everything.

I’ve pretty much told her that, and she’s on the same page as me. However, she loves her niece and would love to have her come and stay.

Doesn’t sound like it’s your responsibility to house them to me?

I agree, and if I found out this was definitely the case I’d put my foot down. However, it’s just a suspicion at this point!

Imo life is too short to waste it on stuff like this and under no circumstances should you feel like a prisoner in your own home. You are under no obligation to do so. If your wife insists on him coming to the house I personally would be tempted to be out all day/weekend on a “prior engagement”

This is my opinion also – I know some people have to put up with far worse from family, but why put up with something you don’t have to? If he does end up coming I think I’ll head to the Lakes for the weekend or something – I’ll just claim I already had the trip booked and it’s non-refundable!

IME, boorish ignorants like you describe are usually too myopic to see their own flaws, or other people’s views.

Challenging them usually results in acrimony, with you being the one in the wrong (see previous comments re ignorance).

I have a similar brother in law. We usually make excuses about being busy and suck it up when it’s unavoidable. Usually, we can reduce the contact time time a minimum, even if it’s unavoidable. I found it helps to view it as ‘family chores’.

Sure he’s a twunt though and not just got some sort of condition that makes him that way?

I have wondered about that, but I think it’s more that an overbearing father who was also an ar$e has turned him into an ar$e. Just as an example, the father refused to join the first dance at his wedding as “he doesn’t dance” and changed out of the formal gear and sat in the pub attached to the wedding venue in jeans and a t-shirt for the rest of the night. Twunt.

Why is his staying with you even being contemplated?

They invited themselves – a common occurrence with the gf’s family!

Shag your Sister-in-Law, then tell him??? perhaps not… 😉

Someone has to be honest with him and explain why you and your partner don’t want to see him. There are Biological Families and Logical Families, they aren’t the same and life is too short etc…

Set up a spurious gmail account and send him a link to this thread .

They invited themselves – a common occurrence with the gf’s family!

Tell them to bugger off! “I’m sorry, it’s not convenient. No I don’t have to tell you why. Stay in a hotel.”

just ask him really stupid questions to amuse yourself and your wife. things like: and do you do that on wednesday mornings? what about wednesday afternoon?
what sort of pants do you wear? I like Y fronts.
What do you think about when you’re having a poo? I sometimes think about Pooh bear and Piglet, do you think they were gay lovers?
Just obscure nonsense.

Sure he’s a twunt though and not just got some sort of condition that makes him that way?

I have wondered about that, but I think it’s more that an overbearing father who was also an ar$e has turned him into an ar$e. Just as an example, the father refused to join the first dance at his wedding as “he doesn’t dance” and changed out of the formal gear and sat in the pub attached to the wedding venue in jeans and a t-shirt for the rest of the night. Twunt.[/quote]

The condition may run in the family. Still no excuse for his behaviour though.

Tell your partner that he’s not welcome in your house, full stop. and let her deal with it.

😆 STW’s resident alpha male there

Smear yourself in lion shit, he won’t come back.

Or

Have a good old fashioned family argument followed by two years of silent pram face, go on, it’ll go down in history and liven up conversation at future family gatherings

ebennett

The gf does this constantly, she rips the pi55 right out of him to the point that it can become uncomfortable. It just doesn’t seem to sink in that he’s boring us, he has a complete lack of self-awareness!

There’s a big difference between ripping the piss and stating that he bores you or you’re not interested in his opinions. He’ll just imagine it’s a joke but he doesn’t get your/her humour. Just be matter of fact and correct him when he thinks you or anyone else wants to hear what he has to say. You’ll be helping him.

This is the approach I take when anyone tries to talk to me about soccer and it works pretty much every time.