Help me STW, you’re my only hope.

Me and the boy need to get ejected from a Christening on Sunday morning so that we can go and do something else. My daughter will want to stay to look at the priest’s dress. With a bit of luck she will ask loudly why he is wearing one.

Escape tips greatly accepted. Preferably ones that won’t look too deliberate so that I don’t end up in the dog house with the missus afterwards. If Murray makes it to the final she’ll be looking for a bail out too.

You’re suggestions please.

Bottle of water down boy’s front early in the service?

Edit: you don’t need to make it look like he’s wet himself, but that would add to the amusement.

Kid is ill – job done.

Unable to assist until you reveal what the something else is, if it falls within an acceptable category will endeavour to help.

Turn up drunker than the preist, a tall order but it mght work.

I just said “I don’t go to Christenings” and met everyone afterwards. They got over it!

Set your phone to ring early on? I recommend this as your ringtone for best effect.

‘i’ve been banned from every church in england after “the incident”…’?

punch yourself in the nose for a nosebleed?

sudden attack of tourettes?

You could cancel last minute claiming the boy’s got a suspected dose of the pox, so you didn’t want to take him and risk infecting the baby

this would allow wife/daughter to still go too.

Just don’t go, kids are ill, Wife’s ill, you’re ill, I want to watch the tour, I don’t agree with religon, whatever you want.

Christenings are the most pointless of ceremonies, unless of course, they’re trying to get into a catholic school…

what DezB said.

Sis-in-law was having a christening and then drinkies in the evening at their house later.

She said I couldnt come to the drinkies unless I cam to the Christening.
“Have a good day, see you another time then” 😈

I HATE christenings and everything they stand for. If anyone really listened to the words of the service and rather than let them wash through them and considered them I think any rational person would agree.

Convert to Islam?

Alternatively, give the kids loads of coke so they make loads of noise and can’t behave – they’ll get ejected soon enough.

Can you or your son make your head swivel all the way round?

Could you mildly poison the boy?
Bit of left over pork should do it.

Or at a pre agreed sign, you could both just shit yourselves at the breakfast table?

Get somebody to hide behind the Alter with a microphone. As you enter get them to say in a dark, satanic voice “GET OUT!!!”, Amityville Horror stylee.

Suggest that it may be best for all concerned if you leave

bomb threat?

turn up dressed as a priest…

“well isn’t this awkward

this one, this expression

Just need to go to the toilet just before it is all about to begin and take your time.

“Sorry we didn’t want to come in once the ceremony had begun and disturb the proceedings. So as not to be a nascence we quietly left…”

Just sneak out.

Hidden can of cold veg soup, a fake bout of vomiting and a couple of spoons should do it.

fake stigmata?

pretend to be possessed… ‘dogs and cats living together, EPA, EPA!’

or simply just pretend you went to the wrong church

“Sorry we didn’t want to come in once the ceremony had begun and disturb the proceedings. So as not to be a nascence we quietly left…”

Nicely done!

Borrow a dog and try this.

For info, the narrator is mentally unsound and believes his dog is his solicitor.

turn up with a rescue staffy wearing a bowtie and paedo glasses…. we all know they go for kids faces, you wont be welcome

I’d go with the bottle of water idea, coupled with going dressed as a priest….should do the trick 🙂

Or at a pre agreed sign, you could both just shit yourselves at the breakfast table?

WIN, genuine lol

Hidden can of cold veg soup, a fake bout of vomiting and a couple of spoons should do it.

I was going to suggest the old ‘Russian Coleslaw in a paper bag, pretend to throw up into it’ trick…
…Spoons are optional 😀

suitably gory metal t-shirt or a sex pistols antichrist t-shirt

turn up with hora and get his kids to pick a fight?

suitably gory metal t-shirt or a sex pistols antichrist t-shirt

or

I find a few spoonfuls of Dave’s Insanity sauce beforehand usually gets me thrown out without having to claim demonic possession.

turn up with popcorn and clap at inappropriate moments, scream “ohhh girl dont go there” when the dude in the dress goes to drown the baby and wander in just after its started, walk across the front of everyone and ask ‘have i missed the adverts?’

Loudly, and in the appropriate accent:

‘What’s that skip? Someones trapped down the old mine shaft?’

normal voice

‘Sorry, gotta go…’

Or at a pre agreed sign, you could both just shit yourselves at the breakfast table?

😆 😆

Picolax?

Either you or the boy should do it

“Got to go, we’re on a mission from God”

There is nobody Catholic enough in the family to be worthy of being a God parent. They are having to video link to Argentina for that bit.

I’ll piss myself if the OFSTED ratings drop at the school over the next 4 years.

Period pain, works for a variety of scenarios. Oh, wait…

Every christening I’ve ever been to has been a complete charade. Parents who never go to church, godparents who are confirmed atheists, and a priest/vicar laying it on thick about how everyone present has never been seen before in said church and how everyone should take it more seriously.

The final straw was when my brother, who doesn’t go to church himself and knows I’m militantly atheist and anti-religion, asked me to be a godparent to my niece, and then had a go at me when I refused.

The vicar told me I couldn’t be a godparent, merely a sponsor.
“Suits me, I’m not remotely religious”
These happy godmen can’t half throw some dirty looks.

As the priest is handed the child shout “Don’t you nonce up that kiddie!”.

You’ve gone to the Christening Indoctrination (tick)
Most of the day will be yours to do with as you please (tick)

A win – win situation.