Have I done the right thing – freak out content

I while ago I posted this:

http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/a-real-fear-of-flying

I was supposed to fly today for work to the US, returning next Friday. I’ve had the usual butterflies leading up to today, I have my meds (diazepam and tamazepam) and as of last night was packed and ready to go. However, I woke up this morning in a right mess. Stressed, headaches, sweating, heart palpitations and practically in tears with worry over the flight, it was pretty unbearable to be honest. I’ll be seeing my GP Monday for my general state of mind. As I type this, I’m very emotionally exhausted.

I just couldn’t do it, so I’ve cancelled the trip. This was a pre-year internal conference. Although I’m sure I’ll be able to catch up on go to market presentations and such like, I’m also sure it won’t go well upon everyone else return and I’ll face some questioning at work tinged with disappointment. I’m already under pressure for my unsuccessful 1st yer Sales performance.

In my head, everyone knows I don’t fly by choice originally predicated by a 2001 in-airport panic attack scenario which had me on a six month medicated recovery program. I probably should have said no to this trip upfront, and as a life decision I can’t keep pretending I’m comfortable or wanting to fly long haul at least again.

The contradiction to the matter and what doesn’t help my employers understanding is that I do cope with short (Spain) or on the odd occasion longer (Caribbean) flights with the family once in a while and this won’t help my work cause.

To be honest, my wife is pissed of with my trauma driven indecision today and rather pathetic – her words – scene this morning and feels I should have MTFU and gone. I’m struggling with communicating that to her as well – maybe I should take her to the GP to try to open her eyes to it, although to be fair she has deal to with my holiday stresses and stress ridden anger temperament, looking after the kids alone on the long haul holidays while I’m zoned out on pills.

Other than seeing a GP on Monday, I’m not sure what to do next. What’ll be the work outcome? Whats the rest of my holiday future look like, should I stop even entertaining the thought of flying as something I simply cannot do, and live life without it? Before its mentioned I’ve been through multiple cycles of CBT, Hypno, Fear of Flying courses and other therapies to date.

I’m in a bit of confused place, not sure if I’ve done the right thing today or what the potential impact on my career is, so I guess this note is a bit of an outlet more than anything else. I’m sitting here on a diazepam come down watching shit morning TV not knowing what to do next.

Bike ride

Sounds like you need proper counselling, not meds from an indifferent GP.

Boat ride.

Is it just a fear of flying? Remember loads of people are shit scared of flying so it’s nothing odd. To be honest maybe you just have to accept it and not fly. If your wife really loves you then she will deal with it. Do you have to go to the carabean on holiday (which is meant to be a relaxing time). Yes certainly get help and definitely take your wife to the doctors.

Maybe just make it clear to work that you can not fly. I can see the problem though that you fly on holiday but won’t with work. I don’t think you have been stupid and I don’t think you should MTFU, life is to short.

I have a friend who won’t fly (used to be a frequent flyer too). He’s just organised his life so he doesn’t have to.

If I was your employer I’d certainly be asking questions about your ability to fly off for holidays though.

Why do you have a job that involves flying? Is your poor sale performance due to this fear, having worked for US company (and knowing their general lack of intolerance) I would suggest you start looking for alternative employment without aeroplanes

My sister recently cancelled a nine week family holiday to Paraguay and Brazil due to getting overwhelmed by her phobia of flying..

They lost a £3k deposit but she just couldn’t get her head around it.. Her phobia seems to be worsening as she gets older if I’m honest

ask the mods to delete this thread before it turns nasty on you, youve been a little bit to honest on a public forum, an d while wanting help and reassurance sometimes best to ask in a private place.

I sincerely hope you get help with your problems both from work and your family.

No manly hug emogi available, but im sure lots of us would be posting them if they exixted.

Why do you have a job that involves flying?

I don’t, I have UK based job, but this is a global one off kick off event in the US where this years go to market strategy and expectation is communicated to all of us. We are expected to attend.

ask the mods to delete this thread before it turns nasty on you, youve been a little bit to honest on a public forum,

There’s nothing in my OP my employer doesn’t know, and if its STW character assassination or pisstake your concerned about – thanks for the concern but I’m able to disregard that,

I can’t help on the phobia thing, but from the employer perspective, how did the interview go?
Did they tell you at interview and you’d be expected to fly to USA? And how did you respond? This will form their next moves.

hypnosis or counselling? to not be able to fly in this era i think is a real set back in terms of what you can see and do. and as is this case here career related.

i think if you have good will power and optimistic mind you should be able to get over the fear.

how did the interview go?
Did they tell you at interview and you’d be expected to fly to USA?

There was no interview. I was migrated from a UK bid management role into a direct sales role through re-organisatio. It could be argued that I knew about the annual event as I assumed the role. As this was performed without HR, I wasn’t formerly consulted or offered alternatives e.g. redundancy I merely told by my manager of my new role, and this was a pre-existing condition. To fire me because i can’t take a trip everyone knows would be an issue for me would be on pretty thin ground IMO.

I volunteered to try to make this trip because I know it would be helpful to me. The flip side is I just have to make more effort to catch up with everyone else upon their return which I’m happy to do. I didn’t anticipate this mornings events.

I should add that I’ve been here via acquisition for 23 years, so the 2001 event which involved 6 weeks off work and “light duties” for 6 months due to the initial incident should be in the company records.

Could you have a Skype presence?

Don’t worry about work, that will sort itself out. Good for you for making the brace decision and doing what is right for you.

You can still go…

My cousin is the same. He just will not get on a plane. Full stop. Its not open to debate. Not a chance. He’s a very senior manager in a software company, and everyone knows that he won’t fly. Think he may have had it in his contract

Whats even more bonkers is that his brother and his dad were both in the RAF and spent their lives flying in stuff a lot less comfortable than Boing 757’s.

brace decision

Best typo 🙂

Is it definitely just a fear of flying, or general anxiety about other things too? Just wondering if you need a broader approach than therapies aimed specifically about flying?

It’s not uncommon. I’m really bothered by flying now. I used to fly a lot but over the years my fears have built.
Strangely flying short haul for holidays affects me less. I think flying on business is more stressful as you’re not as relaxed in general.

I think I’m better now because a flight to Innsbruck had two aborted landings due to blizzard conditions. We eventually got diverted to Germany and I didn’t soil myself!! Never been so relieved to be on the ground.

Sorry I can’t offer any help but you’re not alone. My career has been limited by my reluctance to fly to the US frequently but I’m happier and I accept it. Having said that I need to go to California in the spring and I’m already getting slightly worried. If there was a tablet that could knock you out for the flight duration, I’d take it.

Whose choice are the holidays? Surely it would be more comfortable for you (and by extension your family) if you avoided planes for those as well? Plus it would look better for your employer. If they’re your choice then yeah that looks a bit curious, but if you’re under pressure from elsewhere then perhaps more education for them (as well as more pro therapy for yourself) might help?

I do cope with…on the odd occasion longer (Caribbean) flights with the family once in a while

If you’re able to fly long-haul on holiday, but not for work, then is it worth considering that it’s not just a flying phobia that prevented you taking that business trip? Maybe that work causes you some anxiety too?

As folk pointed out in the previous thread, these things can get gradually or suddenly worse so there’s no guarantee that the next holiday flight will be manageable. I’d be booking something short-haul before planning an expensive family trip.

Of course, knowing the personal financial cost of cancellation may just be enough encouragement and incentive to get round the fear factor.

I’m bloody awful about getting on a plane but its not really the actual flying its the fact I’m not in control , when jonny the drunken pilot and his team of sex starved trolley dollys strap me in and take over my brain goes into panic mode .

I hate flying to the point it ruins holidays if I fly so I avoid it. It started when I flew into Germany in a military transport plane in a thunderstorm which is one of the few times in my life I’ve wondered if that was the end, and the only time I’ve been unable to do anything about it. I will fly (though I didn’t for a few years) but it brings all the worst aspects of my character to the fore.

I try to treat it like a visit to the dentists and keep telling myself “it’ll all be over in a hour and then I’ll be walking along in the sun looking out at the mountains”. Then I go through the procedure going “baaaa” like a sheep and making quips to all and sundry to keep my mind occupied (I realise this would be a very bad idea in the US).

Edit: the main problem is stress before take off, once the plane is imoving I feel resigned to my fate, so I don’t worry about causing any trouble on the flight – if I did I wouldn’t fly at all.

A biy of devils advocate here
As an employer I would certainley be questioning why and how you are able to fly on long haul holidays (with the help of some narcotics), yet you are unable for bussiness trips which in their mind are surely far more important. There must be more of an underlying problem than just a fear of flying that needs to be addressed, perhaps it has more to do with what is at the end of that flight? if you are not meeting your targets in work then perhaps the fear of being called out on this at the head office/main meeting of the year is the underlying problem?
Also, why are you flying to the carribean for your holidays if you have had melt downs in airports before and put on meds for 6 months afterwards? There are meny great holiday destinations for families a lot closer that can be travelled to by boat, train or a short flight. Does your family not think about this before deciding on these holidays? or are you a keeping up with the jonses in a vague attempt to live a better life?

or are you a keeping up with the jonses in a vague attempt to live a better life?

No, my wife and therefore her extended family are Bajan. And fwiw seeing as we now have two children to pay for those trips are less frequent due to the cost. Plus, I love it there.

The last 2 holidays have been Ibiza and Menorca FWIW.

perhaps it has more to do with what is at the end of that flight?

I do think there’s an element of truth about this.

From the last thread…

I STILL maintain that knowledge is power. I’m not sure if airlines will do this (post 9/11 security), but if you can talk to the pilot and crew before take off would that help?

Since the last thread have you taken anyone up on their offers of actually helming something that flies?

Doctors will give you pills and to my (simple) mind, that’s not the answer. I’m sceptical about shrinks too. I go to the engineering side of things and that convinces me I’ll be fine. The weak link is the humans, so if you can talk to the crew pre-take off, then surely that’s the way forward?

Speaking as a pilot, if I have passengers that are nervous I tell them that if I start to look worried then so should they, but if I’m alright then so are they! I try to pay them special attention as a panicking passenger could put themselves, the other passengers and more importantly ME in danger. By talking and explaining things to them, such as my decision making and what’s going on, it helps them to relax. I’ve had nervous passengers but none that have gone full blown mental and made a “pathetic scene”!!! (only joking!)

Knowledge IS power. You are putting your life into someone else’s hands – if you can trust them, surely that would help?

Can you work sattelitte from barbados? your a lot closer to the US for bussiness trips, you get to see your family and live in paradise?

No one here can attest to if it was the right thing to do or not because it is a fear you have. People wouldn’t drag you up a ladder if you had a fear of heights.

You do need to see a doctor or the like to get some paper saying you have a genuine fear but you will also need to either knock the personal flights on the head otherwise it looks bad. Still I have worked with people who have just picked. Up their bag and said no I am going home from the airport because of a bad feeling. More famously there is Dennis Bergkamp the only international football star to take the bus!

As for the conference you should be able to dial in to a video show. Personally I would say that no company flys people across the world to tell a them sale strategy, that the event is about team building, networking and an informal assessment. Depends on your managers but where I work you would need to have either a medical cert or be hot shit not toe the line at a late stage.

Honest and frank discussions with a doctor then with HR and manager.

I agree with Andy’s context idea. I had no hesitation or fear getting into a two-seater plane with a stunt pilot for a display over brands Hatch. Just like getting in a car as a rally co-driver. It’s the procedure of being herded onto the plane manu militari and then being forced to sit strapped down… . Nothing rational because objectively sitting in a plane falling backwards that’s about to put 4g on its flimsy airframe is far more dangerous. Have you thought of having a flying lesson, Kryton? For me it was very therapeutic.

I’m in a bit of confused place,

Me too, mainly by this bit…

is that I do cope with short (Spain) or on the odd occasion longer (Caribbean) flights with the family once in a while

Sorry I’m no help but if you can go on your jollidays you can go to work.

If I was your employer I’d certainly be asking questions about your ability to fly off for holidays though. [/I]

FWIW I do feel your pain in that for +20 years I flew regularly around the world, often 3-4 flights per week. Many US and Far East flights where I was there-and-back within the week. And I hate flying (I was in the US when 9-11 occurred, due to fly back later in the week, and have had many other incidents that makes me feel I’ve already used up my ‘lives’.

But, if you can fly for pleasure but not for business… Then if I was your Manager I’d have you on ‘performance review’, especially if you’ve also not been delivering on your actual job too.

Sorry.

Seems hugely unlikely that this conference wasn’t available via ConfCall/VidConf portal. Did you seek that out first, or just fancy a trip abroad ?

From now on, I’d seek professional help.

On here you’ll get first hand piss takes, great advice, stories and tales, best and worst wishes. Professional advice will be direct and tailored to suit You.

And, sorry.. but you’ve cancelled the trip right at the last minute meaning your employer has already footed the bill. Knowing what you do about yourself and this situation I think an apology is the least you can do towards paying back some good will.

People wouldn’t drag you up a ladder if you had a fear of heights.

Probably wouldn’t expect him to holiday at the top of the ladder either.

The conversation with your employer is definitely going to be an awkward one, especially as you volunteered to go then left it so late that there wasn’t a chance to send someone else. Hope they don’t ask the holiday question. It would be sensible to co e to an agreement that means you don’t have to fly on business in future

The think is esselgruntfuttock, even the holidays are a very traumatic experience supplemented with high levels of benzodiazipines.

Who wants to put themselves through that? And just to give you an indicator, when I started having palpitations this morning which hasn’t happened since 2001, together with the rest of the symptoms it was enough to have said no. Last time that happened I passed out on the concourse and ended up being seen – on oxygen – by a United Airlines medic.

I haven’t had that to date on the hols – FWIW we of on the same airlines, seats, routes & destinations so I think familiarity and past contextual reliability helps psycholigcally also.

And fwiw lets remember its and irrational process.

Well FWIW my BIL is baaad but not as bad as you sound, & my mrs was bad but not for the flying bit. It was the claustrophobic/in a can with loads of people thing. She had hypnotherapy which definately helped.
Try that maybe.

Kryton I’m probably going to overstep the mark here, but it’s well-meant.

I don’t think you’re really posting about a paralysing fear of flying. You are able to fly when you’ve paid for the ticket yourself. It does sound, however, like you feel under some considerable pressure, and it is manifesting itself in the symptoms you describe.

I’m already under pressure for my unsuccessful 1st year Sales performance.

Yep. So I hope you didn’t go ahead and buy that ridiculous car you were bragging about the other month. 😉

To be honest, my wife is pissed of with my trauma driven indecision today and rather pathetic – her words – scene

Hmmm yes, I bet she was. Wasn’t she expecting you to get her a high-end Apple laptop for her web surfing? I remember you being on here agonizing over the expensive optional upgrades.

I only know you from a handful of posts on an internet forum, but it does sound like you feel obliged to fund a millionaire’s lifestyle via a high-pressure and insecure career.

I’m not sure your wife is helping. If my girlfriend called me “pathetic” because I was emotionally exhausted, I would consider that a very serious signal about our relationship. Contempt is a very destructive emotion. It may be some work is required there.

I hope that missing this trip is going to allow you some breathing space to consider how you are going to get yourself well for the long term, and maybe make some changes that will allow you to wind down the financial/work/wife pressure, and give some time to the things that make us truly happy. Ie, having fun with people we love 🙂

Good luck skipper. I mean it.

but it does sound like you feel obliged to fund a millionaire’s lifestyle via a high-pressure and insecure career.

In the past I have been materialistic I admit, these days though, not so much. The mid life crisis RS4 project won’t make an appearance for the reasons above – the very deals which slipped into 2017 and ruined my prior year would have funded it by overachieving my 2016 numbers. FWIW I’m a person that have lots of ideas that don’t come to fruition – we are very much a typical 2.4 family in a medium sized semi with a Samsung TV.

The Mac – yes we got it, with money I saved from last years bonus and to replace a defunct XP PC thats been sitting unused on the desk for 4 years, so it was needed rather than desired. Ok we could have got a cheaper PC, but we like Macs, wanted treat ourselves and Jnr uses them at school also.

I hope that missing this trip is going to allow you some breathing space to consider how you are going to get yourself well for the long term, and maybe make some changes that will allow you to wind down the financial/work/wife pressure, and give some time to the things that make us truly happy. Ie, having fun with people we love

Yes, this is at the forefront of my mind also, before I have some kind of breakdown. I intend to go for a long slow ride tomorrow to clear my head regards this – can’t go today I’m full of drugs. Before today, I thought I had a pretty good handle on things recently.

Good luck skipper. I mean it.

Thanks, appreciated.