Getting married tomorrow. Need a joke

Slightly drunk. About to write the speech. Tell me your best one liner. No cock gags.

Just make sure that you thank everyone that needs to be thanked. And tell them that you had a really good speech prepared but left it in the lap dancing bar last night (feel free to substitute this venue for whichever is more suitable) so this crap one will have to do instead.

Groom shouldn't make the jokes – leave that to your best man. Just say nice things about your bride, the bridesmaids, the parents and the guests.

Ewan – turn off your computer and go to bed. All right a quick bit of porn on your last night as a unmarried – then TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER and go to bed!

Have fun tomorrow!

"what do you call an Englishman in the World Cup Final? Referee"

Ha, good advice. Best Man is the fall guy, just be yourself and be honest. Anything else will be sh*t.

And, if you can, take a moment with your drink of choice to view the carnage unfolding before you and enjoy the moment. Will be an awesome day, jsut try to remember to enjoy it with your missus.

The only thing you HAVE to say: 'on behalf of my wife and I…' then smile, pause and enjoy the cheers and applause.

All the best!

Kev

try and get Gazza down from Rothbury, he'll do the job for you just fine

+1 for covert's comment, have fun tommorrow 😀

Jokes are fine. Plenty raoul jokes out.

Hmmm. No jokes eh? Just left the pub… 3pm tomorrow!

I was thinkging:

what do you call an itailan with a rubber toe?

Roberto. ( say it out loud in an Italian accent)

Two dragons walk into a pub. One says to the other "It's a bit hot in here." The other replies, "Shut your mouth!"

Jimmy Carr on Jonathan Ross earlier.

did you hear about the dyslexic South African?
He was arrested for blowing a zulu's vulva

My new girlfriend lets me lick anything off her and I love it.

Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she lets me lick it off her.

She's a cracker

My best man, if I gave him a pound for evey girl he got off with at university, he'd now have enough for a small sherry.

I just had a couple of digs at the best man before the character assassination in his speech.

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.