Friday evening musings… how bonkers are your neighbours?

My old , now deceased neighbour in the downstairs flat let himself in and turned up my central heating . Because he was cold.

Tbf it was around 1ç overnight but the internal air temp would probably be 8 or 9c . He thought my 20 mins in the morning and 40 mins late evening wasn’t enough and I was away skiing

Came home to a hot flat and big gas bill .

We’ve never had any bad neighbours – well the satanist primary school teacher was a bit odd

I think Satanist Primary School Teacher just did a session for Gideon Coe on 6 Music last week

When I bought my first flat 20+ years ago, the downstairs neighbour was an old raging alcoholic. It was a regular occurrence to come home and find him comatose on the front step or in the communal stairs. Any attempt to help him was met with belligerence and hostility

Monday nights however were the highlight. Monday night about 10:30pm, it would happen. I’d be lying in bed and I’d hear the following (apologies for the language, it’s his words not mine)

“Poof”

(A bit of silence)

“**** gay boy”

(Some more silence)

(Screaming at the top of his voice) “**** HOMOSEXUAL BASTARD”

repeated for about 30 minutes

This happened every Monday night for about 9 months of the year. Eventually the penny dropped and I worked out he was watching the Scottish football highlights show on a Monday night. Last I heard he died about 5 years ago which is 20 years longer than I expected he’d last

I live next to this mental lad, like proper looney. Looks like everything he eats is greggs, half his transport is in Gregg’s colours. Reckons he’s an artist but everything he does is computer derivative simplicity, no proper oil or water colours or smudging. He’s obsessed with local hills and bits of shit industrial stuff blighting the landscape.

I saw him once on a merida MTB in black and yellow, shock copying an epic with way too long forks, looked like a chopper.

?

I swear the ? Was a winking emoji, was all tongue in cheek

Our old neighbours were a bit mad. The husband and kids were fine (although the boy lived in the attic, which was strange as it wasn’t boarded but at least he had his PC and router up there). The wife was mad. More than 10 cats and a Labrador that she called her baby. Didn’t believe in medicine and persuaded one of her friends to try alternative medicine instead. The friend then died of cancer (no diagnosis or conventional treatment, straight to woo woo). Screamed “tree murderers” at the tree surgeons taking down a tree in our garden, then repeated with other neighbours whenever they had tree work. One of her cats got run over but survived and lost a leg. She claimed someone had done it by shutting the cat’s leg in a gate, reported to the police and RSPCA and got a story in the local paper. Karma at last – RSPCA came and saw the way that she looked after her cats and made sure they were neutered / chipped / examined.

Husband and son also tried to cut down a tree between us with hand tools – 6 foot diameter trunk pine taller than the house, it didn’t go well but prevailing wind was towards their house so they saw sense and got a tree surgeon in the end.

When they sold up my new neighbours gutted and rebuilt most of the interior completely before moving in as it was unliveable.  Much better now.

Saccades – does he eat crayons as well?

I like my neighbours – they have the printing business next door, both good friends from school, got to 1st or 2nd base with one of thems sister around school years. They go home at the same time we get home and we have free internet from the cat5 shoved through a (glory) hole in the wall.

I’ve had a range.

As a teenager we moved into an old house with a decent sized garden and the next-door neighbour immediately introduced himself to my parents and asked to buy some of the land. They said no and he committed to being an arse for the next x years.

One thing that annoyed him was that our driveways met on the road and he claimed if people parked in certain places it would make it hard for him to get onto the road – nonsense because it was the same for everyone – so he would put stickers on windscreens to try and stop people doing it. If we had a party in the garden he would call the police, even if we gave him notice. So on my last night of living in that house before going to uni a mate and I went into the garden at 2am and played football naked making as much noise as possible, knowing he’d be too embarrassed to say anything!

I had a girlfriend at uni who rented a semi-detached house in a cul de sac from a lovely old female couple. The next-door neighbour was proper barking. She was convinced that there were noises coming from our side even when it was deathly silent. I’d be there sometimes and everyone would be in bed and she’d be screaming her head off claiming we were constantly putting plugs in and out of walls. Then she’d be hammering at the front door with a kitchen knife in her hand. Sad really, there must have been something quite wrong, but she also completely scared the shit out of the people living there. The weirder thing was that her ex-husband seemed to back her up. Fortunately the owners also had another house over the road (even nicer) and they were able to move into that instead. And then they never heard from the mad lady again.

… Moving to Oz the first place I lived next to a very friendly, well-kept guy with his young lad. Always seemed to be around and had quite a few visitors. Turned out he was a crystal meth dealer and the mum was in the clink. Over the road was a couple who were using far too much of the same. At least once a week there’d be a huge fight with screams, smashes and threats of death until the cops arrived. She was doing a Psychology PhD.

Tassie, we had reasonable neighbours, but the landlords were genuinely disturbed. They would come around any time they liked until we pointed out the rules to them. The day we moved in the wife had been cleaning and use the shower just before we arrived. At one point they claimed they were going to put cameras in the place, because they were convinced we were smoking as they’d found cigarette butts in the garden (turned out they were thrown from the flat above!).

Back on the mainland we had an ex-opera singer next door – never really saw him, but my goodness could he sing!

Nowadays we’re the bonkers neighbours.

When I had a college flat out. south Kensington, Kenny Everett was as my neighbour. That’s all you need to know.

Now I have Tony. Tony  has every tool and ladder you could ever want to borrow. He’s a retired engineer. He cuts the grass verges, collects village litter. His house is immaculate with perfect paint. And the one he’s renovating elsewhere. He washes all the cars in the road within hose distance of his front tap – “well I was doing mine anyway”. Every road needs a Tony. My other neighbours are all lovely too. 

All of my shit neighbour stories seem to centre on my present one, I could write a book about the miserable little ****. Ticks all the boxes; loud parties, imagined noises, generally obnoxious little shite, pisshead and house reeks so much I was convinced he was growing weed industrially at one point.

Next house is detached, no ifs, buts or maybes. Can’t be **** with this shite again.

squirrelking
Free Member
All of my shit neighbour stories seem to centre on my present one, I could write a book about the miserable little ****.

Sorry to hear that mate, it can be a bloody miserable existence when you are stuck next to a bad neighbour.

Opposite us, is a rented house, not so long ago a guy moved in and introduced himself, said he was doing fostering for older teenagers. That fizzled out and then the house would be empty then reoccupied, all odd. Turns out that the woman who owns the house, her husband died so she moved and rented it, the dodgy guy applied for a HMO in the name of the dead husband!!! She’s trying get him out with court orders etc.

That reminds me of living in a terrace in Leeds – next door but one was bought to be a student house but had people who worked in pubs/clubs living in it, so they would come home at midnight and start partying. They always had an all-nighter on a Sunday. They didn’t give a flying **** about anyone on the street – and it affected so many houses all around them. The next-door neighbour’s wife moved out because she couldn’t cope and the bloke said he slept in the attic because that was marginally quieter. It was miserable.

No real bad neighbour stories fortunately but when I was a young teenager the woman opposite would regularly open her curtains (bedroom!) topless which I obviously took quite an interest in 🙂

Not entirely sure I can compete with some of the above. Some ‘highlights’ from an old big house converted into flats:

1) Neighbour #1 (never met her) went out, leaving very small child alone in flat and (gas) stove on. Fire ensued. Flat gutted. Child taken into custody. Neighbour arrested and sent to clink. Somewhat lucky the entire house didn’t catch fire, as the place was not exactly up to building regs standards.

2) Neighbout #2 was convinced girlfriend was cheating. One night out in town, got coked up to the nines, decided a little shimmy up the fire escape and reconnoiter on the rooftop was in order, so that he could look into a window and catch them at it. Fell off roof. Broke both legs. Lucky to survive – landed in a bush. Girlfriend was out at the time.

Also rented a house some years back, one side was a regular family with teenage lad, who were great, the lad was into bikes, he came out for a ride with us a few times, the other side was a shared (3 bed) house with about 8 tenants. All very quiet, perfectly nice tenants – occasionally had a BBQ and said hello over the fence. Then one day an ambulance came around to remove one of the girls in the house as she’d been stabbed… along with “some” police to remove the boyfriend who had stabbed her.

Due to the number of second homes and Air b and bs in our village I don’t have any permanent neighbours until you get about 7 houses up the road. The nearest we’ve got to a neighbour is the bloke opposite who bought his house with his wife to retire to, did huge amounts of renovations and built a double garage. However they had only been in it a few months and she has a stroke and dies. Now he spends most of his time travelling abroad and is only ever back at home for a day or two at a time. It’s nice and quiet though!

Pretty good knowadays, as we ‘made’ (suggested & arranged the viewing) a friend buy the house the one side, & she is still there 10 years later. Were awaiting new buyers for the detached side, and expect another passive agressive (shared) drive war.

Friend has recently moved to Cleobury mortimer, a seemingly lovely small shropshire town, has had the armed police come talk to two of their (luckily not direct) neighbours, since they moved in.

Mmm there’s been a few.

Last house had several neighbours pass through it as it was  council rental.  One couple could have rows occasionally, then one evening it sounded like a bomb going off.  Microwave oven thrown throw a plate glass front door does make a hell of a boom!

Then to the current house in an area once described in a national newspaper as one of the trendiest places to live in the UK.  Now if they really knew!!  Bloke round the corner driving round in the small hours with stereo blasting.  Chap from across the street comes out to remonstrate and ends up smashing the door mirror off.  Car owner disappears, comes back with a knife and is threatening anyone to come out as he’s gonna **** you, your mum and your dad.  Sensibly the other chap had gone back inside the house. Police lost our submitted video footage of that three times before eventually dropping the case.

Then I had a neighbour who was once described as Oxfords most prolific house breaker.  He wasn’t that smart but thankfully had enough sense not to poop on his own doorstep so I was ok. Lovely family of 4 in there now.

Or the Baptist chapel opposite where one day two of the congregation come rolling out having a fist fight.

The Buddhists on the other side hardly make a sound, just a low hum so no problems there.

It’s great where I live ?

My neighbours are very Normal for Norfolk, but not very exciting, Jeffrey next door posts on the village Facebook page with the contents and the latin names of the moths he has caught in various traps, he is a lovely old gent and a widower, so feel a bit sorry for him.

Anne next door is a recent addition to the street, moved to Norfolk from darkest Essex, as “she loved Norfolk for holidays as a kid”, she does nothing but post on the same village Facebook about everything she has deemed wrong about the village since she arrived, unsurprisingly sileage does smell when the wind is in a certain direction, yes there may well be mud on the road during sugar beet season and no there is going to be a regular bus service to a village of 12 houses 8 times a day! Sod knows why she moved here….

Next door neighbour 2 doors down, is one of the three antique small tractors, they love to start them about 6am on a sunday morning and leave them chuggin away on drive to warm up before they all go off in formation to some ploughing match or drive-by!

We all just keep ourselves to ourselves, not bothering anyone and not wanting to be bothered. Except an over enthusiastic diyer bought the house opposite 12 years ago, and has either lost interest, or finance, or both. It rains a lot, but the guy hasnt put any drains in, or insufficient, so his building materials get washed down the road.

The house is a wreck, unsellable as its been bare block exterior for years now. If they divorce or have to sell, its unmortgagable so just plot value. Kids at school must get the poo ripped out of them.

Funny thing is the owner tries to engage with passers by, mainly dog walkers, but most passers by scurry past looking the other way.

Anne next door is a recent addition to the street, moved to Norfolk from darkest Essex, as “she loved Norfolk for holidays as a kid”, she does nothing but post on the same village Facebook about everything she has deemed wrong about the village since she arrived, unsurprisingly sileage does smell when the wind is in a certain direction, yes there may well be mud on the road during sugar beet season and no there is going to be a regular bus service to a village of 12 houses 8 times a day!

This reminds me of a genius post on our local Facebook page –

“Did anyone else hear what sounded like loads of sheep last night? Any idea what it was?”

The village (and for those that know Disley, I am using the word advisedly) is literally surrounded by fields of sheep…

The village (and for those that know Disley, I am using the word advisedly) is literally surrounded by fields of sheep…

My favourite is the “missing dog please share” Facebook posts, yes Anne, it is terrible that a dog has gone missing, but it went missing 400 miles away in **** Aberystwyth!!

I’ve had plenty of crazy neighbours over the years. The ones in our old house were the best fun. We lived in a row of 6 terraced houses with the same opposite. The immediate neighbours were lovely, normal folk but we had some real characters surrounding us.

We had a guy who was into all sorts of nefarious activities, from what I gather mostly a bit of car ringing etc. Reportedly he was stealing fuel from the local MOD base (according to one of the other nutters). Anyway he died a few years ago, all very suspicious. His estranged family basically went into the house and took a lot of stuff away and the place has been empty and rotting since.

The guy immediately next door to him had lived in a tent in Pembrokeshire for years and rented his house out. One day he came back and moved back in. I think at one point he had a family but that had broken down prior to him disappearing. There was a catalogue of incidents from him having his backyard excavated to build a workshop and having all the soil piled in the road outside his house to starting a war over some privet hedges surrounding his house. He was obviously going through something (our immediate neighbours were a young couple who WFH. She saw him from her office window sitting naked in his van the one day for example) and basically in the end we had around 8-10 Police officers come round and arrest him. He disappeared for a while but is now back and very quiet.

The guy 2 doors down was a fun guy too. His family are one of those families everyone knows for the wrong reasons. Bit like something out of Shameless I’d say. He worked on the fairgrounds with his sons and had regular trips to Ireland. He loved a good scrap and was a proper scary guy from the stuff he used to tell me. He did chase the other nutter described above down the street one evening after all his stupid behaviour got too much, thought he was going to kill him…literally.
Despite all this I used to get along fine with them all even though I had to tell the one guy to shut the f*ck up in the early hours of the morning once. That was a fun time…

We moved a couple of years ago and all is quiet thankfully. Danger Baby who lives across the road is a story for another day.

Our first house. We went for a walk one summer’s evening and glanced down into the front window (house lower than road level, lights on and curtains wide open) to see a couple sat stark naked on their sofa, facing the window, just watching tv. I had to double back to make sure I wasn’t imagining it. I wasn’t, but let me tell you, it was not a pretty sight! Like Naked Attraction, compelling but hideous (so I’m told…).

We had an alcoholic neighbour secretly drinking in the park behind my house. He would leave his bottles of cheap wine, food wrappers and fag packets there most nights. It was quite remarkable, he would sneak out with the dog, down two bottle of cheap red wine in 5 mins then head home again. Despite there being bins, he would still stash the evidence in a bush. I spoke to him a couple of times and he denied it being him, despite me being able to see him from my back window. I know he had a problem and needed help but it was still no excuse for not using the available bin.

After this went on for a couple of months I collected a few weeks worth of his bottles and relocated them to his front lawn one evening. It was quite a noise and impressive site. He stopped littering after that.

I had a housemate called Adam. He was morbidly obese, yet played American football for sheff uni. He rarely showered and utterly stank. My bedroom window was under his window and slowly became yellow. Turns out he was peeing in a stein and then throwing it out into the garden.

A few years ago, I lived off tooting common. The neighbours were fine, but my dog spooked the men who cottaged in the woodlands opposite my flat at night.

And in Brixton, I lived off acre lane. The street was apparently territory for one local gang. Besides the fireworks, they were absolutely fine

Shouty lady next door at our old house would have an argument with her own shadow. Screaming and shouting several times a month with her daughter and partner. Arguing with Trip advisor reviewers for their restaurant (now closed). Shouting at me and my wife for whatever she could think of.

My wife did open a wrongly delivered letter.

It was a letter giving her a refund for her anger management course.

Very glad she is no longer in the country.

oooh ive remembered another neighbour.

Drill rapper Digga D admits drugs charges after Instagram Live arrest

maybe not the right demographic on here to know your rappers, but earlier this year we were told that thered been an armed raid on a house on our road in the early hours.  unassuming lincolnshire village, nothing ever happens here.  the house has high fences, nobody knew who lived there, reports of nefarious looking youths coming and going all the time tho……

then it made the news, tv reporters, papers, police cars camped outside, talk of the village.

“some rapper called digga d been arrested for drugs”

“armed police kicking his door in while he was doing a live instagram video feed”

“anyone heard of digga d?”

“who?”

“no me neither”

our lads were far more impressed…..

“digga d lives on your street??? nahhhh!  wow cant believe it!!  you never heard of digga d?? he’s massive!!”

now residing at his majestys pleasure.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lincolnshire-69069603

Our downstairs neighbours were lovely, it was proper chat take bins out, thanks, lovely day , oh I just cut your grass too type stuff.
New older lady moves in, lots of “oh you’ll love her, she’s lovely”. Mmmm

She’ll walk past her own bin that we’ve taken down and not being it back (solved by now not taking her bin down). She spent £15k on a garden renovation but didn’t get the slope leveled. Most bizarrely she sweeps the little stones from the tarmac at her garage into little piles under my car. I’ve mentioned twice that she does this, she denied it even though second time she was doing it just before I spoke to her. Nice enough lady but has her own ways. Oh she drives to church every Sunday then after service goes straight for a walk. Must be 150m to the church.