Embarrassingly stupid things you have said…

I went around the White Scar Caves last weekend with my 2 kids.
The guide invited questions at the end, and in front of the whole group, I asked “How many undiscovered caves are there in this area?”.

Much laughing and blushing ensued.
Feeling flush now just thinking about it.

Not me, the little lady whilst we were on the Isle of Wight, at the Isle of Wight festival, talking about all the festivals and stuff that seem to happen on the Isle of Wight.

“Yeah, like the Isle of Mann TT races”.

Yes dear.

“A little bit of mindless violence never hurt anyone…”

Not me but overheard a couple in a seaside cafe talking about the area, she was wondering how high they were here…….

“I do”

on sunday night whilst taking photos of the moon (which weren’t really coming out well) a helpful neighbour suggested I should get closer “like over by those houses”.

I didn’t know you were pregnant!

(not me, honest)

Not me but

A lady at a dog club AGM commented on how good the meeting had been and asked why they weren’t held more often. Laughter followed.

My mother arrived at the crematorium accompanying the widow of the deceased, stepped out of the car, sniffed the air and said ‘something is burning’. Embarrased silence followed.

Good stuff, but all these posts starting with “Not me, but…” are not helping me feel any better about myself. 😳

I’ll admit to this one, spoken to a university lecturer (on American history).

Atlantic City, that’s California isn’t it? 😳

OrmanCheep – Member
Good stuff, but

Sorry but you did kick the thread off with a classic. Your kids and wife will be reminding you about that for the rest of your life.

My mother arrived at the crematorium accompanying the widow of the deceased, stepped out of the car, sniffed the air and said ‘something is burning’. Embarrased silence followed.

😆 I cringed just reading that.

Not me, but…
I went to a stately house with some friends and one of them said, “Hey, I recognise this place now, I came here when I was a kid, we went in the maze.”
Another friend said “Did you get out ?”

After taking a blind colleague rock climbing [ all roped up belayed and safe ] ” WELL DONE, YOU PLAYED A BLINDER THERE ”

I was being shown around a sheltered housing complex a while ago (for work) I commented on how the rooms where quite small, the manager said yes, ‘The small rooms make it difficult when the older people have aids.’ I was amazed and asked how many of their older people have Aids and why so many in a nice rural area.

It took about 2 minutes of crossed conversation before I realised she meant mobility aids, not bad Aids.

Christ, how long have you got? Really, stupid stuff comes out my mouth all the time. I cringe thinking back to it. It’s why i love conversing by email, I have time to think it through before I type it.

Anyway, if we’re looking at a top three of properly cringe-worthy statements that I simply can’t remove from my memory…..

1. I was stopped at a set of lights on my bike. An ambulance pulled up next to me and the lady passenger said ‘Nice legs’. I quickly (to show how witty I was) responded. ‘Shame about your face’ instead of ‘shame about the face’, meaning a joke about me rather than insulting her. She snarled at me and they floored it off.

2. While staying in a hotel, I got friendly (and just friendly) with one of the girls who worked there. As I walked through the foyer, I saw her sat with a bloke (who we later established was her boyfriend) and as I passed I said entirely as clever witticism (although I have no idea why I thought this would be the case), “You know my room number, I’ll see you later”. I could still hear the arguing as I got in the lift. She never spoke to me again.

3. And finally. Me and my boss were walking through one of the buildings here. Coming towards us was the Chief Information Officer. This is the man who sits on the board of the FTSE100 company that we work for, has 500 people working for him and controls a huge multi-million pound budget. Although I should point out here, he had announced he was leaving some months in the future.

“Are you still here?” I asked, as we passed.

Teaching a group of teenagers, end of an exam, room in silence

“Have you all finished, no I see that Tom and Mark are still head down and hard down at it at the back of the room”

Bettered by a friend teaching microscope work, to a bunch of 15 and 16 year old girls,lets say dressed to impress..

“Come over here girls, have you seen sperm close up before……”

😆 @ Samuri more please!

Making a bad first impression: On meeting a guy I was due to work with who I’d heard plenty about, the first thing I said to him was, “I figured you were much younger.”

Realising, from his expression, what I’d just said I added, “Younger, slimmer, better dressed. What happened to you man?”

No more samuri….I’m still ROFL after no.1 😆

In the Louvre a couple of years ago and I overheard the son of an english family as his mother “Why have they put the Mona Lisa so far away form the entrance?” to which she replied “It’s so it forces you to look at all the other stuff on the way through” 😳

Rubber Buccaneer winning by miles so far!

Along the lines of Frank Sinatra’s though – me and two colleages were having one of those rambling non-work chats you do when bored. The one lass was saying how with a Psychology degree she really wanted to be a counsellor but she’d applied to work there out of uni as a temporary stop gap and was still there 10 years later. Some more chat about being a counsellor followed, then I interjected ‘surely you have to be elected first though?’

I used to work in a conference centre and one of the joys was that you could hoover up the left over buffet lunch

One day I went into check and it had all been eaten

I then looked at them and said
“greedy Pigs”

Not the best phrase to use to a room full of senior coppers in uniform

I over heard an American lady at the war museum ask if the fat boy nuclear bomb on display was the actual one they dropped on Hiroshima.

Driving up the M6. my lovely Lady remarks, whilst gazing out of the window at the wind farm….

‘Why do they want to MAKE wind?’

To which I replied…

‘They don’t make wind dear’

She didn’t know what else to say…..

“Why have they put the Mona Lisa so far away form the entrance?” to which she replied “It’s so it forces you to look at all the other stuff on the way through”

She was right.

Not me but…
On a kayaking trip in the Alps, a female member of the group remarked ‘aren’t the clouds low around here‘…

Walking into the family run village post office I noticed the normally chirpy staff were quiet. I then saw a sign by the counter saying they were saddened by the loss of Mrs Bagshaw the postmistress on the previous day. I knew both the mother and elderly mother as Mrs Bagshaw, as I was getting served I said “sorry about your loss, who passed over? You or your mother?”

I never went back in.

getting a lift home from a friend’s dad when i was underage and we were trying not to appear drunk. We drove past the Hotties in St Helens, a section of canal that was hot from the run-off from the glass factory. It steamed in the winter and was home to tropical fish. Conversation turned to fishing and the weird and wonderful fish that could be caught in there. My strategy for appearing not drunk was to say nothing at all. Eventually fishing conversation died out and I started to feel I needed to spike the awkward silence with my only fishing anecdote.

“I caught crabs in Wells on Sea”

Driving up the A30 I noticed a wind farm with all the Turbines spinning quite well, said to the wife it must be windy today. She promptly opened the window of a MOVING car stuck her hand out and replied “yes it’s very windy” 8O.

It took me an hour to stop laughing 😆

I remember watching the news back in 1999, and then going in to the kitchen to declare to my rather prudish Irish Catholic mother and Nanna that Jan Dildo had been killed outside her home in Fulham.

My wife once commented on the mobile cement mixer in front of us in a traffic jam, and asked how they kept the milk cool. After a few minutes of discussion, it turns out she thought cement mixers were milk lorries….

My wife once asked how the wu tang klan were considered so racist…

Pub in rural North Yorkshire and I was a little lubricted. Went to the gents and there was lots of 1920’s racy, (by 20’s standards) photographs framed on the walls. I came out and said to my mate in a loud stage whipser,

‘Hey loz, there’s pictures of mucky ladies in the bogs’

When the landlady said oh yes, that’s my grandma when she was young, I really should have shut up then, not countered with,

‘Really? why don’t you get your kit off, drape yourself over the bar and I’ll tell you if there’s any family resembalence’

I had a few mates come and see me the day I’d just got back from Holiday. I hadn’t had chance to go shopping, so didn’t really have anything to offer them. I looked in my freezer and found some mini-ice creams though. We were all sat about eating them and my mates sister says “these are nice, did you fetch them back from your hols”!

Not one of mine, but my o/h was ordering something over the phone with Tesco direct. When reading out the code using the phonetic alphabet, she said

“Y for wank3y” then burst into fits of laughter!

Discussing Olympic swimming over lunch with friends recently, and how you can do any stroke for the freestyle leg. Including, in my words, “doggy style”. Doh, I mean, erm, doggy paddle.

This bloke and his wife always make me laugh…

Following from kevj’s one, at the last place I work we had a similarly odd phonetic alphabet lapse.

“J…. for Giraffe”

When staying with my German Aunt & Uncle(maybe 7 years old), my cousins and I decided that in our daylong War games in the garden the common enemy would be the Russians. In the heat of battle I promptly forgot this and flew round the corner dressed as a Tommy with my stick machine gun screaming ‘Die you Nazi bastards!!’ , only to be confronted by a terrace full of well to do German dinner guests(my Uncle was Chairman of Bayer Pharma).