New Years eve in Germany, trying to talk to a German bloke in German.

I was actually talking to him in English in a German accent 😆

My sister, when she lived in Spain, speaking to a Dutch friend.

Dutch Friend: which side of the road do you drive on in England?
Sister: it depends which way you’re going

And one from my boss. I live and work in Leeds. My then OH lived in Dewsbury. We’d been seeing each other a while by this stage.

Me: [OH] gave me a lift to work this morning.
Boss: oh, that’s nice that he drove up from Dewsbury just to do that.

You could then see her brain ticking over as she worked out that he hadn’t just driven over to give me a lift!

A bit of a smart arse last week in a meeting asked one of the other attendees his e mail address, Gareth Jenkins at local authority was the reply, thanks said the smart arse and whats you first name.

The place just dissolved

I worked at Sainsbury’s when i was about 17, one day whilst working on the check out, i was putting a lady’s shopping through whilst she was bagging at the other end. i noticed that a round green leafy vegetable was stuck at the end of the conveyor. I turned to the lady and said “excuse me luv, is that your cabbage?” i then looked up to see her son in a wheelchair!! and it was a lettuce!!!

Similar to ads. When working for Trailfinders I was booking a round the world trip for a couple that were hard work and difficult to have any craic with. I was searching availability on my computer and getting no where. I noticed the man of the couple holding his shoulder and to fill the awkward silence I asked if he had hurt his shoulder. When he informed me that he had lost his full arm several years earlier in an accident it’s fair to say the silences were much more awkward from that point on.

ads678 😆

Taking some guys details over the phone at work when I was younger and somehow, inexplicably, I forgot the word for a very well known part of the country is ‘Cornwall’ and started calling it ‘Cornland’ when taking his address.

He had to correct me half way through the conversation after I’d used it repeatedly that the place is called ‘Cornwall’ and there is no such place as ‘Cornland’ and was quite annoyed/dismayed.

I was at work so don’t even have the excuse that I was drunk or high which is pretty worrying.

Best thread ever.

I do this all the time, I open my mouth and stupidity falls out. It’s a bit like Tourette’s.

Once at my mechanic’s, when a boy racer turns up. “Hey Pete,” he says to my mechanic, “I’ve just got some alloy wheels for my Mini. “Oh, good swap” says I. He went an interesting shade of purple and Pete ran into the back of the garage to have a quiet cry to himself.

In a group of friends, one constantly papping on about how great his deceased father was, and how he’d grown up in the shadow of this great man and was constantly being compared to him. Ever the diplomat, I managed “so what did your dad do then, apart from die?”

At the hospital with my mum who was recovering from a stroke. Without looking up at us, the receptionist asked, “have you come about your eyes?” I spun around and went, “who said that?!” She went to pieces, she was still giggling when we left.

Watching an animated movie (Final Fantasy), I remarked, “the camera work there is terrible, you can blatantly tell that’s only a model.”

Etc, etc, etc.

Just remembered one of Mrs tthew’s

MT – ‘The computer’s not working’
Me – ‘Let’s have a look’ (bit of a rummage, (not like that)) ‘it’s not plugged in’
MT – ‘I know that, but you said we’d gone wireless!’

I was helping my dad out doing some data entry on his new system at his dental practice, I was sat on reception doing a run through and the receptionist was away from the desk when the next patient (an old lady) walked in, checked the system and saw her husband was also due in after her. Being friendly I cheerily greeted her asking if her husband was parking the car, she replied no, he died 2 days ago. I wanted the world to swallow me up.

At the leisure centre I worked at I’d gone for a swim and was getting changed when a guy walked in with a very pierced penis, must have had 8 rings through the shaft and head. I got changed and ran out to the receptionists with the whole OMG story, with all the gory details. A few minutes later fella walks out and collects his wife who was sat just behind me and had heard the whole thing.

Colleague: “Oh so do you know andrea then that works in your area?”
Me: “Yeah I do!” (then, unprompted, decided to go on a bit about how andrea is ****ing brilliant)
Colleague: “My husband’s leaving me for her”
Me:

My mates wife was overdue, midwife was there and was describing the process of being induced. Wifey asks what it’s like and midwife quick as a flash says ‘Its a bit like being fisted!’ Cue open mouthed looks between my mate and his wife before the midwife realised and looked horrified.

mrhoppy wins.

Mrshora/her sister used to be able to guage the exact point when I was pissed as I always asked them both to be dual-mrs hora.

Idiot!

We call this affliction ‘Social Tourette’s’

Once whilst interviewing a quite fashionable, good looking blond lass I stated that “you can’t just nip out at lunchtime and go shoe shopping as the office is a bit out in the sticks” cue kick in the shins from the HR Manager sitting next to me 😳

My mates wife was overdue, midwife was there and was describing the process of being induced. Wifey asks what it’s like and midwife quick as a flash says ‘Its a bit like being fisted!’ Cue open mouthed looks between my mate and his wife before the midwife realised and looked horrified.

Overheard in ASDA,

Two blokes shopping, small girl in tow (maybe 9 or 10, I’m not good with ages). Girl pipes up, “dad, why don’t you do what mummy does?” Bloke replies “what, take it up the arse?” The blokes were in hysterics, the girl was rolling her eyes, I was mortified. Different world, sometimes.

I had to get the son of a dead male to identify his body. It was a bit smelly so we moved outside to do the paperwork. As I worked through the form I got to the bit about identification. I looked the grieving man in the eye and said ” I won’t ask you to go back in there… but are you happy that is your father?”.

The wife asks one day “have you got any sheets of MDF in the garage ?”
“Yes” says I, “12 mill and 18 mill”.
“How thick is the 18 mill ?” says she.
“Nearly as thick as you” says i, heading rapidly for the door !

Staying in a caravan overlooking St Andrews. Get up in the morning and throw the curtains wide to be greeted by a glorious day. I utter the immortal words “Ah, it’s all shite and briney !” Muppet.

When reading out the code using the phonetic alphabet, she said

Someone once said “Q for Cuba” to me.

There’s a girl on my team who says stupid things so often, I could publish a book. In a team meeting this week, she announced how sad it was that “astronaut Lance Armstrong was dead”.

Many years ago when I were a wee bairn, I said to my mum on the bus “look at that woman! Why is she so fat?” so loudly that my mum had to get off the next stop out of embarrassment.

#Edit. Someone who shall remain nameless asked me if Jesus was a carpet-fitter in the Bible.

“How thick is the 18 mill ?” says she.

About the same as two short planks?

Many years ago when I were a wee bairn, I said to my mum on the bus “look at that woman! Why is she so fat?”

Apparently, when I was very small, sometimes I’d sleep in my parents’ bed. My mum used to get dressed in the same room, but stopped the day I asked her why she had two bellies.

I once met a German guy who reminded me of a friend back home. I told him he had a doppelganger, and asked if he knew what it meant. He did

Sililar to the time George W Bush said the French did not have a word for entrepreneur.

My wife once asked, as she looked up at the police helicopter (with an enclosed tail rotor) hovering overhead, why does it have a clock on the end?

We have a girl at work who asked these three gems:

‘How do you spell A.K.A?
‘Do Asian girls have sideways fannys?’
‘Where is the black market?’

Me and the wife settled down to watch Gladiator on DVD .. The opening scene and Russel Crowe is giving his speech to his men ‘On my command, unleash hell! he says, at which point, the film cuts to a dog which is running through the woods… wife says, ‘that’s a funny name for a dog’….
Another, on one of our first dates we went to see Titanic at the cinema, the ship is steaming towards the iceberg, the guys in the crows nest shout’iceberg, dead ahead! the film then cuts between the bridge and the engine room as they frantically try to slow the ship and generally stop it from hitting the iceberg.. At this point I leaned in and whispered (wittily, I thought) ‘I reckon it’s gonna miss it’… she looked at me with a concerned face, and said ‘yeah, so do I….

was at a kids party on Saturday, friends of the wife that she met during pregnancy..

The birthday boy’s father is a Royal Marine, and there were a fair few marines from his posse/crew/platoon/squadron (?) there with their kids, enjoying the sun and chatting while the kids played on a bouncy castle and the wives fussed about..
Now I’m from a marine town, and was feeling fairly conspicuous in this company, being very easily identified as a scruffy dope smoking townie that they would have brawled with on a Saturday night as recruits.. so I was being polite and smiley and mostly engaged with entertaining my youngest son who is just six months..

I knew the guy and his troop were due to be deployed for their first six month tour in Afghanistan next week, and was wandering how this lot of mid 30s, well payed lads had got so far without seeing active service.. perhaps I should have asked but I was feeling nervous and I’m sure that they were experiencing some strong emotions too, so I kept my thoughts to myself..

or so I thought..

While I’d been sat there observing the scene and absent mindedly humming to my son and encouraging him to make some efforts at parroting some words and noises, I suddenly realised that all the noises I had been making were bomb sounds and machine guns and RPGs, and that the tunes I’d been humming were the themes from old war films.. 😯

I simply can’t properly comment due to official warnings here on STW. One of the milder ones was at a friend’s BBQ. We had a good few Bangladeshis amongst our circle of mates, and it was a running joke that they were always getting called p@kis.

It so happened that none of our Indian mates were present at said BBQ, but me and a few others were discussing the issue and coming up with Sun reader attitudes to our absent friends’ attributes. At one point, I was unlucky enough to blurt out, “Aye, send ’em back where they came from”, in a totally sarcastic fashion, but the irony failed to penetrate the brain of our host’s new Pakistani girlfriend who caused a mssive scene (perhaps understandably) and kicked us all out.

We went round Shuyeb Mohammed’s house for a joint.

We have a woman managing a small construction project at work at the moment. The other day she loudly announced in the office that, (because work couldn’t progress, due to others not doing their jobs properly) ‘I’m going to have to pull all my men off!!’

(cue sniggering from about 20 blokes in surrounding area)

Christmas shopping a few years ago, we were in a bookshop paying for a book for the wife’s present from my daughter who’d have been about 2.5 at the time.

Her: ‘Can i carry the book daddy’
Me: ‘Yes, but we have to pay the lady first’
Her: ‘That’s a man’
<starting already to be aware that a pin dropping would be a racket now, the rest of the shop is now straining to see what daddy’s going to say next>
Me: ‘No it isn’t, it’s a lady with short hair. Ladies can have short hair as well’
<not bad I thought – truthful without being contentious>
Her: ‘It’s a very ugly lady then’

Paid and left in total silence.

Me and the wife settled down to watch Gladiator on DVD .. The opening scene and Russel Crowe is giving his speech to his men ‘On my command, unleash hell! he says, at which point, the film cuts to a dog which is running through the woods… wife says, ‘that’s a funny name for a dog’….

You didn’t copy that from about an 8 year old FHM did you?

labsey – Member

Someone once said “Q for Cuba” to me.

Z for xylophone, here.

We have a girl at work who asked these three gems:

‘How do you spell A.K.A?

Called the Dell help desk.
Dell – “Business or private customer”
Me – “Business”
Dell – “Business name”
Me – “NHS”
Dell – “And how do you spell that?”

Oracle manual describes a technology called Network Information Services or NIS (pronounced enn – eye – ess)

‘On my command, unleash hell! he says, at which point, the film cuts to a dog which is running through the woods… wife says, ‘that’s a funny name for a dog

I always thought it was a cool name for a dog, and only realised last night or the night before that it wasn’t the dog’s name

Someone once said “Q for Cuba” to me.

Z for xylophone, here.
“Silent P, as in ..bath”

went to Mc Donalds with my son

Our first visit as he need a number 2 [ why else would a vegan go there?] so we went for a MC defecation

On leaving the toilet to the full “restaraunt”
sons say
“Daddy why are all these peole so fat”
I tried to ignore him

” is it because they eat too much and dont excercise”

“pretty much son” I said as we left

Me and the wife settled down to watch Gladiator on DVD .. The opening scene and Russel Crowe is giving his speech to his men ‘On my command, unleash hell! he says, at which point, the film cuts to a dog which is running through the woods… wife says, ‘that’s a funny name for a dog’….

You didn’t copy that from about an 8 year old FHM did you?

Zokes, It was me who sent it in to FHM years ago! it was the ‘out of the mouths of babes’ thing they used to do.. I sent the Titanic one as well.. They printed it in a summer, bumper sized issue from memory.

Zokes, It was me who sent it in to FHM years ago! it was the ‘out of the mouths of babes’ thing they used to do.. I sent the Titanic one as well.. They printed it in a summer, bumper sized issue from memory.

Ha! Brilliant!

I just want to know why my brain is capable of storing useless rubbish like this whilst forgetting much useful stuff.

We have a ditzzy receptionist at work and after discussion about luminous condoms [ and their suitability for star wars fun in a darkened room ] .she pondered for several hours and aprpos of nothing sadi…………” I wonder if its so you can find your way back to your tent ” ??????????

But just to show that Im not immune to the odd gaff myself I sawe the boss this morning after two weeks leave .I was aware that he had been in the south of france for the first week and asked if he’d had a good time down there.After a lenghty silence he informed me that the 2nd week was spent in hospital having a cyst removed from his left testicle.

” Oh that explains why you didn’t send a card ” chirps I

During one of my Uni placements I was given the task of helping the patient fill in her medical histroy form. Althought she was struggling with this we were getting on quite well but she had a long list of medical problems and she needed help with spelling,but she insisted on completing the from herself.

Patient. “How do you spell incontinence?”
Me. (brain not engaged before mouth) “Silent P”

All i heard was my mentor leaving the room in a rush……

zokes – Member

Zokes, It was me who sent it in to FHM years ago! it was the ‘out of the mouths of babes’ thing they used to do.. I sent the Titanic one as well.. They printed it in a summer, bumper sized issue from memory.

Ha! Brilliant!

I just want to know why my brain is capable of storing useless rubbish like this whilst forgetting much useful stuff.

I’m mulling over whether to tell the Mrs about this thread now…. it would get so complicated though…….

Young lady in our office – blonde, face of an angel, body of a pornstar, eyes of a gold digger, brain of flea – shouts out “how long is 6 inches?”

There was instant silence, followed by a lot of tittering.