In South Africa a 3 1?2″ floppy disk was known as a “stiffy” disk. After 6 years of living in SA, my girlfriend got a job at a software development company near Hastings. One day she walked into a room full of developers and announced loudly, “anyone got a stiffy for me?”

I married her!

A friend of mine had a college work experience girl in her office who was studying IT, this was before email was in common use, so PCs were used pretty much for word processing and faxes for communication.

One day she was sending dozens and dozens of faxes of a single page document, so my friend politely points out that she can just put in all the numbers and then feed in the page and the machine will automatically send it out to them all.

“oh no – I’m only trying to send it to the one number. But every time I send it – it just comes straight back”

was in a bar in portugal with my uncle who isn’t renowned for being able to hold his drink. at some point he points at some woman and says something similar to “look at the whale” whilst pointing at this chubby bird. some bloke next to him says “that#s my missus” and floored my uncle with one punch.

More than once I’ve been asked to photocopy a fax before it gets sent “so that we can keep a copy”.

Trying to describe a plan to cover a portakabin with shiplap, I described it as pishflap…same day, same audience, I described a cundy and named it…5 seconds later my name says…cundy…with a d!

I walked into the engineers workshop as the new young bloke and confidently asked for one of them to cut me a new “gasket for the pump minge”…..I ment flange…..(I wouldn’t mind but it’s a phrase I never use) 😳

Driving over to Torridon to visit relatives aged around 6.. my mother was bitching about one of them before we arrived. It was a long time ago and all I remember was blurting out ‘MY MUM says you’re snooty!” to my mothers aunt. The silence and the eyes popping out of my mothers head made the blood run out of my body in an instant.

We still laugh about how she tried to wriggle out of it.

Although this wasn’t another stupid thing to have said.. I thought I should add this bit as it happened on the same trip. Not sure if it was before or after the visit.

I was feeling ill and we stopped off at the Loch Maree Hotel. It was either a food stop or a toilet stop. There was a corridor leading to the toilets with tables and chairs on one side and on the way to the toilet (feeling very sick) I had to start jogging. My father was with me and,well.. I didn’t make it to the toilet. Projectile vomiting as I jogged past sunday lunch diners was caught mid-flight by my fathers cupped hands. All I remember was him yelling “arghhhh!”

It’s November 2009, and i’m meeting 2 friends for lunch in Bushys Pub. Richy bravely put up with me living in his house for 3 years before i married my o/h (expecting me to leave after 6 months) and Andy is like Richard Hammond, but more welsh.

We’re talking and i say to Richy that i saw his mum a while ago and ask how she’s doing. Richy’s mum puts my own god bothering in the shade, and is a constant source of bemusement to her 2 sons.

“Fine, ” replies Richy, ” hows your mum?” he asks….

“Still dead” i say, much to the general amusement of Andy and several others at nearby tables….

I once popped into Swaythling McDonald’s having fallen for the ‘6 McNuggets for 99p’ offer in the window.

’12 chicken nuggets please mate’

“We only do 6, 9 or 20′

“OK, 6 chicken nuggets please’

‘Anything else’

‘6 more’

………

‘Oh yeah’

School girl on weeks work experience: ” I had a dream last night that I won the lottery, I’m so excited, I’ve just got this feeling that I’m going to win”

Elderly, prim museum assistant who is kindly mentoring school girl: ” what would you do if you don’t win the lottery on Saturday, but I do?”

School girl : *thinks*………. “i’d kick yer c##t”

That’s taken from Viz!

Not unless viz was a documentary set in a museum in the west of scotland in the late 90’s. ‘Killie Spice’ also re-filed all our documents under ‘t’ for ‘the’ and left a memo on my desk that only had the the text “gordon what?” on it

I once popped into Swaythling McDonald’s having fallen for the ‘6 McNuggets for 99p’ offer in the window.

In Burger King at a motorway services a couple of years ago (Charnock Richard? Maybe. Not important).

I ordered a beanburger without cheese. “I’m sorry sir, we can’t do that” came the reply, “we’ve run out of cheese.”

Had I been on the ball, I’d have asked for it without tomato instead.

A couple of reverse examples of deliberately saying something stupid to see if people catch on…

I got a job in a breaker’s yard and took my dog, who had alsation markings, but was about the size of a collie, with me.
The yard owner’s alsation had died only a few months previously.
People would come in and say to the owner “I see you’ve got a new dog”.
So, he would say, “No, that’s Graham’s dog, he’s a Belgian Shepherd. That’s like a German Shepherd, but smaller, because Belgium is a smaller country.”
Almost every single one of them would then say something like “Oh, really, I’ve heard of Belgian Shepherds, but I didn’t know that was what the difference was.”

I’ve told two previous grrlfriends that I used to live in Birmingham, by the docks.
I managed to keep it going for months, with the occasional mention of watching the container ships come in when I was a kid, or trying to get a job on the ferry when I left school, before they caught on.

We were visiting some friends in Vancouver Island while their 2 year old was being a right little s****.

I was driving while his dad tried to keep him calm and I went the wrong way to which Dad replies why the f*** did you go that way.

Cue silence and kid shouts out loud and proud F***.

Silence/holding in laughing he repeats, and repeats and repeats till we have to pull over and explain why he should never say it again especially near his mum – sweets were exchanged. All finally calms down and we head back. When his mum came back from work kid appears – when asked what he did today yells F****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We made a run for the other room.

I pop into Halfords the other day for this gem:

Me (having lost my shock pump): “Hi, I know it’s a pain but could I please borrow a shock pump for 30 seconds?”
Halfords employee (points to track pump): “Pump’s over there.”
Me: “I need a shock pump, not a track pump.”
Employee (looks at me blankly):
I go and get a shock pump off the shelf in it’s packaging: “I need to borrow one of these please.”
Employee: “What’s the difference?”

I should have given up here, but I press on.

Me: “Track pumps are designed for pumping up tyres, shock pumps are for forks and shocks.”
Employee (with a big grin): “Hahaha, you almost had me there, forks don’t need pumping up!”

Me : Facepalm.

I’ve had a simlar experience to the nuggets!
Me “hi can I have a double cheese burger please?”
Bloke “sorry mate we’ve run out, I can do you two singles for the same price?”
Me (Wondering if he’s taking the piss….)..”ok” 😆

At an office I worked at we were talking about some news item of the day:

Colleague – So wait, that bloke was sentenced abroad but has to go to prison here?
Me – What, no, of course not, why would you think that?
Colleague – It says here that he was tried in Absentia, wherever that is
Me – ….

2retro4u
Marin County, Cali

This one’s not on me. Thank the Lord.

I move pianos. A few years ago I got a call to come out to a house and move one. As I drove up the address I had been given, I realized that it was about the fanciest residence I had ever seen.

Went inside to move the piano, and there were the residents, Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf! Andre was wearing a warmup suit with the logo “New York Tennis Club.” That was a big surprise, but I maintained my professional demeanor. In my business I meet rock stars all the time.

As Andre walked with us around the grounds to show us where to put the piano, my employee said to him, “Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like Andre Agassi?

After finding out that he was in fact Andre, my employee said something only slightly less dumb. “Did you ever play Pete Sampras?”

Answer, “Sure. We played (XX) times. He never beat me on clay and I never beat him on grass. Would you like to know the score of every match?”

Just remembered a couple more…

Me, “My oldest brother and sister are twins”
Friend, “Are they identical ?”

Mechanic, “We’ve just bought a 42″ telly”
Tyre fitter, “How big’s that then ?”

Asked a female customer on a job i did when was she expecting, she just had a fat belly i was mortified and promptly asked to “leave”

Called my old boss “mum” in a office full of tradesmen, harking back to school years when u did that to your teacher :/

A mate of mine used to play water polo – we were in the pub talking about a game he’d played in the pub when my wife came over to join the coversation and asked the immortal question: ‘ water polo – how do you get the horses in the pool?…’

This woman is a doctor!

Me, “My oldest brother and sister are twins”
Friend, “Are they identical ?”

Oddly, identical twins CAN be opposite sex. I mean yes, they’re not identical as such but genetically so.

At School –

Teacher – Can anyone tell me who Roger Bannister is?

A few pupils try to guess, then I have an idea…

Me – Sir, was he the first person to run the London Marathon in a wheelchair?!

Cue laughter from the whole class & teacher as I try & work out what I just said..

“so, when is your baby due…………………………………………..”

My girlfriend recently –

‘I’d quite like a job in an F1 team, but one that doesn’t carry much responsibility – maybe polishing the drivers’ helmets?’

Me, this evening: ‘self defecating’

Not many of my own but my GF leaves us rolling about with many gems. She is the queen of Malaprop/Weirdness. I leave you with a preview of my book I have planned.

“Do you think Deaf people dream in Black and White?”

“My Excremities are cold”

Got her pal to phone the pet shop to ask for advice on Tropical fish. She just used the number of the first receipt she found in her pocket. Which was a receipt for Harry Ramsdens. “I’m calling about the fish” Yes? we do fish!…… it was a wee while before the error became clear.

Has ridden a bicycle down a slide.

Went to the pub and got covered in lemonade. sat on a towel for the rest of the night.

At new year described the Pipe band to her mum as a Brass Band

“Blah blah you know? cause you cant see with your eyes closed…”

“I’m just talking cause I can..blah blah blah.I dont even know what I’m saying…Are you listening? You’ re not even listening”

“quit yer peein iain, youre talkin pish.”

“Are you ready to Transverse?” Traverse.

MP accountability Claire style. Quizzed an MP in great detail about what he actually does first thing in the morning when he gets in the office.

MP – ” I sit down and switch on the computer” Claire – And then what do you after that? MP “Check the email.” Claire – “and then what do you after that?”….continues…

Claire has decided that we have to check exactly what MPs actually do is important as if its not important there is no point in having them.

Is your skin still tinkling? (Tingling after a conv about sunburn)

C “You are like the Durex bunny on speed”

I “Durex?”

C “You are like the dulux bunny on speed”

I ” Dulux?”

C “You are like you know , the battery bunny on speed”

Oddly, identical twins CAN be opposite sex. I mean yes, they’re not identical as such but genetically so

That would be genetically identical except for the gender bit then 😕

Out of interest how did the egg split and produce two different sexes?

A twin is one of two offspring produced in the same pregnancy.[1] Twins can either be monozygotic (“identical”), meaning that they develop from one zygote that splits and forms two embryos, or dizygotic (“fraternal”) because they develop from two separate eggs that are fertilized by two separate sperm.

I think you can still save it by saying it was your entry 😉

Nice Lass at work who is a bit slow fell for a cracker recently, still hasn’t caught on.

Her: apparently this guy had brought his dog into the country illegally, how did they know?
Me(dismissively): obvious, the accent
Her: ….makes sense I suppose

Hook, line and sinker!

That would be genetically identical except for the gender bit then
Out of interest how did the egg split and produce two different sexes?

I can’t find anything particularly online which you couldn’t but supposedly although it’s very rare after the egg split there is a chance of the Y chromosome being dropped in one so it changes from male to female. Obviously I’m not any sort of biologist so it’s beyond me how it works. Might actually be a proper paper somewhere though

Edit
This might do the trick – http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11173871

Abstract
Although discordant karyotypes are known in identical twins, cases involving differences in sex phenotype are rare. We studied identical twins with the 46,XY karyotype – a male with mixed gonadal dysgenesis and a female with “pure” gonadal dysgenesis. The testis-determining SRY gene was present in DNA from both twins but no mutations were detected in the SRY conserved motif. Monozygosity was indicated by short tandem repeat polymorphism analysis. These observations could be attributed to (i) mutation and mosaicism involving “downstream” sex-determining loci, (ii) variable penetrance of genes such as DSS/NR0B1, duplication of which can disrupt the male-determining pathway, or (iii) occurrence of cryptic 45,X gonadal cell lines.

*phew* thought I’d misremembered that fact for a moment

Fairly sure i have told this before.
Current Mrs Cursing before we were wed. Somewhere in Dorset heading for a weekends windsurfing. Sun was shining and it was high summer.
Her- how do the trees know to grow into that square shape over the road?

I guess i should have stopped the car and ran……

From my Sig. Oth.
“But there’s no gravity on the moon.”
[a look from me]
“That’s why they wear moon boots!”

“But our bikes don’t have brake pads.”
[a look from me]
“They have brake disks!”

An old housemate:
“Is that fire gas or electric?”
[straight faced] “Electric, that’s why the flames are blue.”
“Oh of course.”

In 2005 myself and Mrs PP were hiking down into the Grand Canyon. Just ahead of as were a typical American couple in their 20s, all Abercrombie & Fitch, tanned with perfect teeth, CSI Miami extras basically.
We heard her ask him what the ‘piles of grass clippings were’ along the trail, and he gently explained that they were piles of dung from the mule trains (They did look grassy to be fair) Then, shortly after, she asked why here, near the top, there’ was just a few bushes, but down at the bottom, there, it was all mossy..?
We could virtually hear the sigh as he paused slightly before explaining, Father Ted style, that that wasn’t moss, but the same bushes, but further away. He must have had the patience of a saint! 🙂

An ex-gf….

“Normandy’s in the South of France, isn’t it?……Of course it is! Don’t be daft. It’s South of us, therefore it’s in the South of France.”

😯

She’s now a rather successful journalist!

Went to a Rotary Charter Night last night, some silly woman president from a guest club was making a speech about recruiting. She closed with:

“It just goes to show, you never know where your next member is coming from”

Cue stifled giggles from 200 blokes!

Think I have shared this before but both involve drink and ladies.

I was introduced to and started talking with a girl that had her tongue pierced (circa 2001). Noticing the lisp
Me: when did you get your tongue pierced?
Her: About a year ago…
Me: You wanna get your effing money back if you’re still speaking like that!
Her: This is how I normally speak.
Me:…..

It wasn’t all bad. She started seeing my housemate and left him to became a lesbian.

Being introduced to another lady in a noisy nightclub and being totally lashed (circa 1999):
Me: Whats your name?
Erm: Em
Me: Erm? Thats a stupid name for a girl. Who on earth would name their daughter Erm?
Erm: No, it’s Em, short for Emma…
Me: well what didn’t you say…

I had to leave the club shortly afterwards. Cheap booze had caught up with me!

Me: “Would you like an ice cream?”
Ex G/f: “Oh yes…but I don’t want to get fat. I think I’ll go for one of those Malteser ice-creams, Maltesers aren’t very fattening are they?”
Me: “…!”

I like that many of these look very much like tongue in cheek comments.. and that when you’ve misinterpreted them the person that has said something ‘stupid’ just can’t be arsed to correct you, figuring that perhaps you’re not actually worth the breath..

😆