Subway (Eat Fresh!), Colorado

Plain Ham Sandwich please.
– We have salad on all Subs
But I don’t want Salad
– Sir, we have salad on all Subs
OK.
….
– Do you want lettuce?
No
– Do you want Tomato?
No

Took a few more for the penny to drop

Met up with an old friend that I grew up with after a Facebook encounter. So we met in a pub having not seen each other for 16/17 years;

Me – ‘how’s your brother, Gary?’
Him – ‘he’s dead, you were at his funeral when we were 18’
Me – ‘oh erm…….shite, yeah…..sorry about that…..any other brothers?’
Him – ‘no’

Years ago talking to a girl at a local pub. Asked where she worked
Her: at such and such a hotel.
Me: Oooh the bloke that runs that is a right misery guts, basil fawlty would be proud.
Her: Thats my dad…..
Me: Aaaah

Last Friday it was Brest Cancer Awareness Day in the Office.. One of those dress up in Pink days and hand over dosh.. you know the sort of thing.

I made a special effort, no I did really. I found a pink T-Shirt, Rapha Jeans turned up to reveal the pink stripe, blah, blah blah..

1st meeting of the day.. “well done you”, “Ahh thanks” I say, “you’ve made such an effort you should win the prize for best effort”, “nahh, really? I think I look a bit ghey TBH”..

One of the other Manager is ghey..

I stumbled over my own tongue and went a pale pink with embarrassment for the rest of the day.

A good few years ago then gf (now wife) and I took a load of paper and card to the tip for recycling. I came back from doing the glass to her furiously going through the magazines and ripping out random pages before ditching them. Then she says

“I mean, how are we meant to judge if its ok to be recycled or not – they are not all one colour!”

Looked at her quizzically “what the hell are you talking about”?

She points to a sign “It says No Yellow Pages!”

I had to pick myself off the floor 😀

The best bit was after a year of two of telling this story to friends, we’d start going to dinner at peoples houses and people we’d never met would start to tell us about this daft friend of a friend who’d ripped out the yellow pages! Brilliant – she got so squirm all over again!

Heard a re-broadcast of the 7/11 bombings on the radio just as I walked into the room. Thought it was live. Posted it on here.

Then suffered. Oh, how I suffered…

As a student after Xmas break, I bumped into a girl I knew and asked “how was your festive period?” 😛

I love all the ones saying “not me but” it’s like going in to buy a jazz mag saying “its for my mate”

“I only drink on days that end in day”

I was pretty drunk though!

convert – Member

A good few years ago then gf (now wife) and I took a load of paper and card to the tip for recycling. I came back from doing the glass to her furiously going through the magazines and ripping out random pages before ditching them. Then she says

“I mean, how are we meant to judge if its ok to be recycled or not – they are not all one colour!”

Looked at her quizzically “what the hell are you talking about”?

She points to a sign “It says No Yellow Pages!”

I had to pick myself off the floor

The best bit was after a year of two of telling this story to friends, we’d start going to dinner at peoples houses and people we’d never met would start to tell us about this daft friend of a friend who’d ripped out the yellow pages! Brilliant – she got so squirm all over again!

If true you win the prize.

Not me but a from a friend a few years ago.

When there were lots of Firkin brew pubs around their middle strength brew was named after the pub. We were in a converted post office building so to continue the postal theme the pub was called the Philatelist and Firkin. I wanted a pint of their middle brew but my mate got a bit tongue tied when ordering and asked for a pint of Fellatio!

😯

OK, big ‘dig yourself out of this hole’ one from me 🙂

Little bit drunk at a huge and I mean huge wedding in London, got introduced to Prince Naseem (the boxer) who, I thought was a rapper!

He, thankfully, found it funny, guess not everyone is into boxing, which was a relief for me as some of his mates were not impressed!

When in Australia, it’s best to find out that ‘rooter’ is a euphemism for penis before ringing up your ISP to discuss possible issues with your hardware…

Heard a re-broadcast of the 7/11 bombings on the radio just as I walked into the room. Thought it was live. Posted it on here.

Then suffered. Oh, how I suffered…

Oh I remember that. That wasn’t your finest hour, was it? 😉

Of course it was! 😀

it’s like going in to buy a jazz mag saying “its for my mate”

Once I spent 10 minutes helping a gentleman of diminished stature buy porn. He asked me to pass him a mag from the top shelf and I did. Then he asked for that one to be put back and give him a different one. I was about 14 and to this day I can’t work out if he kept going through them just to see how embarrassed I’d get.

Don’t know how it came up but a young secretary once piped up with a query to rest of the office “what exactly are beef curtains?”

Once I spent 10 minutes helping a gentleman of diminished stature buy porn. He asked me to pass him a mag from the top shelf and I did. Then he asked for that one to be put back and give him a different one. I was about 14 and to this day I can’t work out if he kept going through them just to see how embarrassed I’d get.

Was his name Jimmy?

7/11 bombings

???

or warwick?

Don’t know how it came up but a young secretary once piped up with a query to rest of the office “what exactly are beef curtains?”

Not exactly daft but it amused me; but I used to work with a woman whose surname was Curtin. She rang us up once ranting about something, I told her to pull herself together.

As a student nurse on my second ward,I asked a one-legged man to hop over to the dining table for lunch.He never even registered it ,thank god,I still cringe when i think about it.

This thread has given me much pleasure so perhaps it’s time I share a story

Was driving home one afternoon, about this time of year. We lived next to the park. Came across a very scruffy white van with two blokes hurriedly throwing stuff over the hedge into the park.

After a little thought on getting home I called the police to report the fly tipping.

A couple of hours later the door rang and a very polite young policewoman was standing there, she explained it was the local football club delivering timber for their charity Guy Fawkes night bonfire.

I work with someone who told me she was worried that one day she might wake up dead.

Don’t think I’ve posted this, but I’m still absolutely mortified.

Was at a pub after work with a couple of colleagues – we’d done a pitch together and were regrouping. I was talking about the new dog I’d just got with the missus, a small pug. I had found it quite amusing that it seemed to local people walking their dog that me walking a small pug clearly meant I was gay.
So I was telling this part: “of course it is quite funny, because from the reaction I’ve got, walking a pug makes you look”
…and realised the guy I was sitting next to is quite camp, very stylish, possibly gay.
Somehow, my equivalent of “pull out, pull out, abort!” was to finish the sentence with
“…like a homosexual”.

It was awful. The guy still clearly thinks I’m a tool, and I still cringe thinking of it.

Somehow, my equivalent of “pull out, pull out, abort!” was to finish the sentence with

I’m afflicted by this.

I was halfway through calling my girlfriend a complete cow, when I thought “wow, cow is a bit strong” so I tried to reword it on the fly. My brain, in freefall, managed to substitute ‘cow’ with ‘c–t’. She didn’t speak to me for two days.

The other one that springs to mind is in a pub, I went to order two big breakfasts with black pudding. On the way to the bar I noticed the barman looked to be of Carribian descent, very black skinned. I thought “I’d better be careful here,” got tongue-tied halfway through and managed to blurt out “two blackfasts please.” I then spent the next thirty seconds going “oh, god, I didn’t mean…” and digging ever deeper holes, whilst the poor sod stood there with an “of course you didn’t, sir” look on his face. FML.

when, I was about 12 once told an anti jewish joke (not that I really realised at that age) in front of a jewish woman.

Had it very politely explained to me why it was quite offensive. I was mortified, but politeness did shape my development, I’m now very aware of prejudice and the effect of stereotyping.

And I realised that most jokes that appear to rely on stereotyping can be just as funny with out

When I was a junior qs I once told someone I was a bum bandit, when I meant bun runner.

My father in law on watching the news about capital punishment commented that “they should hang them before they they kill them”!

My three year old little girl last week whilst walking down the street, on seeing an elegant lady clasping a Chihuahua “look Daddy, a cat!”

Years ago I asked the chubby 8 year old friend of an ex girlfriends sister why she was wearing a bumbag underneath her T shirt

A mate of mine decided to organise a bike ride along the Thames Path from Goring back to Oxford. When we got back he said it was an OK ride but was disappointed that there weren’t any hills! (Think about it)

Hopefully not for very long 🙂

Out on a ride one day and one of the group always likes to ride at the back of the group. When asked why the reply was ‘ I don’t like it when people come up my ass’
So much hilarity followed that we couldn’t ride for laughing.

Oh yeah, a few years ago in a pub before the smoking ban. The health benefits of marijuana for those with dementia(?) had been in the news. Sat next to a table of pensioners. Start rolling a ciggy. One of them say something along the lines of “I hope that’s not one of those funny cigarettes “. I reply with “that’s your lot isn’t it.” Muppet!

Not me, but my best mates dad said at Christmas dinner ” I dont think I’ve ever had a black cock”

They were discussing Hugh Fearnly Wittlessnessless 7 birds inside each other banquet.

My wife pointed at a hedge and asked me “what’s that black bird called?”

She got the arse when I replied “yes”

A little while ago, at work we were discussing dress sizes of women and someone was trying to explain that a size 18 wasn’t that that big…my rather loud response was “I don’t know, size 18 is pretty f*cling chunky” just as a larger lady walked past. My so called mates at work wet themselves and the woman never spoke to be again.

A lady I used to work with had two kids, her youngest went through a stage of being obsessed with the word penis. Whilst getting changed after taking him swimming, he shouted “mummy, you’ve got a penis” at the top of his voice. She was mortified when they left their cubicle, with everyone giving her some very odd looks.

One of the receptionists at work used to get a bit muddled, she asked one person (who I think has normal sized nose)

What nose do you want to book a meeting room under?

To the pest control man – ‘Do you get mats and rices living together?’, when he turned up a few weeks later to check the traps and bait boxes she asked the same question again.

bloke who i used to play hockey with turned up for a match with a blood spot like the Japanese flag on the backside of his white shorts. Asked what happened he replied that ‘i got nailed up the ar$e at work’
still gets trotted out at every awards dinner we do 7 years later

When i was in the RAF training to be a Police dog handler we were undertaking different scenarios; i was supposed to be on reception when a bomb threat came in by phone;so i go into the room and the phone rings before i sit down: i pick it up and some one says is that RAF somewhersville. Me;no i think you have the wrong number!!
In my defence i was 17 and i thought the exercise hadn’t started!
Needless to say i had the **** taken for quite a while.

out walking the dogs or something, i dont remember, but the wife was looking up at the clouds and marvelling at the different shapes, cue brief explanation from me about the different types of cloud. ” i wonder what the weather is like above the clouds” she says

asian tsunami 2004, wife proudly informs the whole office (we worked together at the time) she’d read it was “so violent, the world had actually shifted on its axles”

put my hand up her top to cop a feel once, as you do, “ooh” she says ” you shirt lifter!”

So there I was out drinking, a little out of practice when talking to the ladies, chatting to a pretty girl & she asks quite innocently what do you like doing in your spare time.. my brain for some reason looks up desperately looking for the fun exciting answer, while I’m still considering the answer my mouth jumps to the rescue & offers ‘Masturbation?’….