I was working for a company in Japan where everyone wore the same uniform. Lunchtime on the first day I was escorted to the canteen one of my new colleagues, we got our food and he said we’d find the others in our team to sit with. Me, “How can you find them? Everyone looks the same”
I had a net in the garden for golfing practice so there was always golf balls lying around, one day when our then toddler was in the garden I heard the wife shout “don’t put daddies balls in your mouth they’re dirty” I honestly expected social services to be round within the hour.

On a guided tour of the Marble Arch caves in Fermanagh, at the point where the guide talks about the absolute darkness this far in without artificial light, an American lady was heard to express amazement at how much darker it would be at night.

With the wife, her sister and her at the time 6(ish) year old niece in the car, we somehow finished a couple of sentences with words that ended in ..tion, so we randomly said a few more. At this point the niece pops up with “FORNICATION” at the top of her voice. I so nearly crashed, it still makes me cry with laughter now, at the time I was doubled over in the drivers seat. Turns out she saw a Big Brother advert and she’d picked it up from there.

I also once did a “..your Mum” joke to a guy who’s Mum had passed away about a week before – if you could eat your words back up I really really would have.

Not mine- at a public fireworks display, standing around the blazing bonfire a chaps pipes up “This is really hot, anybody got any toast”

Mine- start of lower 6th form term, so we had a new French language student over. In the first oral lession (yes, haha) she got out a scrabble set. Being that the letter scoring is based around the frequency of letters in the language, I assumed a different language would have a different distribution of letters and score per letter.

Somehow asking “will we be using French letters?” didn’t convey the same message!

Was talking to a (really rather pretty) girl I hadnt seen in years, she was telling me she’d had a nose job, my response? ‘oh, you can’t tell’. Doh!

Ex GF, ‘Why dont they make chocolate rice krispies?’
same girl, we were watching finding nemo, the bit were they meet the blue whale and say ‘thats not a little fella’ she pipes up with ‘It’s the biggest land mammal’…

Driving to the alps this year, one of our party (who is a memeber of this forum) says how high we are (2000m). When questioned as to how he knows this he said he saw it on a sign. The sign was telling us how far ahead the nearest service station was. The rest of the holiday was spend commenting on how steep all the roads were.

Just remembered another.

On landing after flying home from a holiday, the stewardess announces over the tannoy, ‘Would any passengers requiring wheelchair assistance please remain seated’

Whole aircraft. Quietly sniggering.

I didn’t say this, just thought it

in school, I wondered for almost a whole term how Bismark could sign a treaty when it was a ship!

I didn’t pass history.

In France on a holiday a few years ago my daughter (they 6) saw some French soldiers with guns. She asked me if they were going to fight the Germans, I replied probably not, they’re French.

Up until really far too recently I always wondered how space saver spare wheels could possibly work, as it would be smaller than the other 3 wheels.

About 6 months ago (I’m 27) I realised it was the width that was reduced, not the diameter 😳

Many years ago, at school, being caught fighting and in front of the headmaster, expecting to get a caning.

When the headmaster, asked me to bend over, I replied…

“Sir, I would rather have the cane”

That did not go down very well, I seem to remember 😉

I also asked a NY police officer while a tad drunk, if I could play with his gun, big mistake!

Walking past a row of bikes at Laggan I turned to my mate and proclaimed….”I quite like handjobs”

“Why thank you darling. And I hope your mother dies in a freak yachting accident…”

JCB with that hole, sir?

I once asked my friends “where’s everest, isn’t it in Scotland?” 😆 to be fair i was very high.

I think I’ve already told this one

Ex’s mum found out about us by walking in us having a bit of pash on the sofa, there was a conversation in the kitchen

Sara: ( amongst other things) I’m gay mum ( dead proud of her at that point) I then hear her mum say something that I couldn’t hear, but Sara replied ” yes mum, Emsz is as well”

Makes me smile still

‘When’s it due?’ , 😳 she was just a bit tubby around the midriff. 😳

Standard ambulance phase when assessing a patients mobility “how are you on your legs”. Deathly silence as everyone looks at me, then at the patient who clearly is a double amputee.

At least the patient had the good grace to say “I was doing all right up until a few months ago when they chopped them off”.

About 6 months ago (I’m 27) I realised it was the width that was reduced, not the diameter

They are often (or perhaps usually) smaller diameter as well. That’s why you’re not supposed to drive fast on them, because if used on the front the diff will be working all the time and it could damage it.

Lol @meehaja too, and emsz again 🙂

When we (my wife and I) were visiting some of her friends back where she used to live, we were put up by one of her friends whose mother has an artificial leg.

She was getting ready for her weekly gathering of friends and was readying the sherry…

*thinks* My chance to say something witty, “you’ll be getting pis…”, no better not swear don’t really know them well enough…

“You’ll be legless tonight then!”

yes, that’s much better, well done brain 😳

“So you think you’re hard then?”
yes, he did
yes, he was

“your dog’s frisbee is stuck up that tree? hold on, i’ll get it”

looking after gf’s 6 year old son. kids next door had built a skateboard ramp in their garden but weren’t about. young lad was looking at it wistfully, skateboard in hand. i told him he should go and have a shot if he wanted to. he said his mum wouldn’t let him. he was right, but she wasn’t there. i told him that as i was the “responsible adult” (and that always get a laugh when i tell it), i was saying it was ok and he should go for it. then he admitted he was a bit scared, so i said
“here, give me the skateboard, i’ll show you how it’s done”
followed by
“phone your mum, i think i need to go to hospital”

coolhandluke ftw! Sniggering still!

While working on my car at a mates house we had Essex fm or similar on the radio. Atomic Kitten “you can make me whole again” came on the radio. We took great joy in singing “you can fill my hole again” at the top of our voices, thinking how witty & amusing we were.

Then my mates’ 6yr old step sister runs in laughing, shouting that we didn’t know the words and that it wasn’t “you can fill my hole again”.
She then proceeded to sing the song all afternoon, but with our incorrect lyrics…her mum & dad weren’t very impressed.

Took my 4 year old to Winter Wonderland where in the last cave we meet Santa who asks if 4 year old likes cars, much enthusiastic nodding, and gives him a nicely wrapped pressie.
I, always trying to promote good manners, say, “what do you say to Santa?”
“Don’t get stuck in the chimney!” 😀
Still tickles me….

Our group ride once rode past a group of youngish walkers- one asked me ‘wow, big ride, whats the occassion’?

I replied

Its our annual Gay and Lesbian bike ride.

At least two of them gave me questionable looks.

Will
You
Marry
Me

“You have a hot sister”

Last year I was doing some consultancy for a very nice chap. He is ginger and one of his two boys is also ginger. Proper ginger. So, anyway, I have to leave early from this chaps office as my boy, Redley, was not well. I went and explained, apologised, etc. and said that Redley was not well.

“Oh, unusual name.” says nice ginger employer in a slightly p!ss takey way
“Yes, it means from the red meadow in old English. Good job he’s not ginger really”.

Nice ginger employer then said something, but I don’t know what it was as all I could hear was my own screaming inside my head.

Clearly I meant having red in his name, not casting aspersions about his own hair or, even worse, his boys.

“Yes, it means from the red meadow in old English. Good job he’s not ginger really”.

I just laughed very loudly.

Another rider has a red-headed girlfriend. I started the conversation about his lovely other half then added (why?!….) ‘I love ginger girls’.

Why? It now implies I fancy his missus but didn’t mean to say that or imply! Sheesh, dig a hole. I just rode as fast as I could.

why?!….

Dunno, but your reputation on here precedes you 😉

Wife and I visiting a friend at the maternity unit. Walked past a newborn with a full head of hair. “Oh look, there’s a hairy baby”. Cue glare from newborn’s mum and punch from wife.

Friend’s 4 year old travelling down south from rural Scotland by train for the first time. Train pulls into busy platform at Birmingham New St Station. The wean spots an Afro Caribbean guard, shouts excitedly “Mummy Mummy, there’s a man with a chocolate face”.

stop it now. I’m not going to explain why I sniggered.

In a bar years ago with some mates – they were discussing how much mobile phone companies compensated you for putting a mobile phone mast in your back garden.

The figure seemed to be about 7 grand. I only heard half the conversation and piped in

“Oooh! I would have one of those if I could afford it!”

ugh….

Looking at part of the taj mahal I said “it’s beautiful, it looks like hardboard”

In a tent full of Israelis in an expensive tea yurt in the Himalayas I said “how much?? Are you Jewish”

In an interview for a Saturday job at Next when I was 17 they asked “Does your Dad buy clothes here”, to which I replied “no, he tends to buy stuff that lasts”.

Having a BBQ at wife’s parents’ place, whole extended family there including a two-year-old adopted girl, riding a wobbly tricycle which she kept falling off of. I see her about to fall again. She pulls a face as she’s falling. Quick as a flash, I scream:

“That’s her going-down face!”

Also: Long time ago sitting on the playing fields of a college in Dallas with my female cousin and her six or seven (female) friends, all of whom, I later reflected, had cropped hair. A game of hockey was being played in the distance. I broke the silence with:

“God. Hockey is such a dykes’ game”

Silence. Got coat.

I cant read this topic anymore. I’m biting my tongue here.

Bike related one..

years ago – Stopping after a section of down hill at Coed Y Brenin, this guy comes flying down on a really small full suss bike I I say “nice bike, really small and good for DH”, then he got off, stood upright and was about 4 foot 6 inches tall. Fist in mouth.

Last one – a mate’s other half asked “how do gliders get down”, to which he replied “they send planes up to tow them down”.

Two large (talking 20stone each I bet) male riders were powering past me up the hill. One commented as he drew alongside ‘203 rotor on the back, thats stopping power’..

I replied ‘yes I need it as I’m quite a fat rider’.

He didn’t say a word and I stifled the apology. Idiot. 😆

Turned up at a mate’s place for a ride, to find Papa_Lazarou ^^^ already waiting for us.

A (for the moment nameless) fellow forum user joined us, and as we got ready had a cuppa before the ride, we made idle chitchat. It was when Paps mentioned his fiancée that the other forumite said “Oh you have a girlfriend? I thought you two were a gay couple what with this house being so nicely decorated and everything”

You know who you are…

My wife once asked how the wu tang klan were considered so racist…

brilliant!!!

My wife once asked how the wu tang klan were considered so racist..

Only just got this…

If only I could remember specific incidents, but they seem to happen so often that they individually get lost. The OH is always kicking me for saying “oh, that’s a nice dog, quite chunky” to people walking their dogs and suchlike. Fortunately her friends just think I’m weird and get used to it.

In a tent full of Israelis in an expensive tea yurt in the Himalayas I said “how much?? Are you Jewish”

I support a football team whose fans are called Arabs. It’s not uncommon for a new player to be greeted with a crowd singing “<player’s name> is an arab”, identifying him as someone who plays as if he supported the club.
Didn’t go down too well when the club bought a player from Bietar Jerusalem

My 1st SO was a funny girl, no really she was.

Remembering back to Richard Branson and Per Lindstands fly around the world in a balloon attempt, way back when.

She asked after a couple of weeks “have they come down yet”? , who? I replied, “Richard Branson” ahhh, no I said, it seems they’ve gone off into orbit and they’re having to send a Spaceshuttle up to get them.. “ohhh really!! God that’s terrible”.

Weeks passed by and about 4 weeks later she asked again..

Ohhh how I laughed.. Admittedly it was at her expense, but hey, she deserved it.

The entire conversation I had with (Spanish) father-in-law about defeating the Armada. 😀