Eating in the toilets

One of my most painful memories as a child was when I was about six and had an apple in my lunch. I guess I finished my sandwiches and started on the apple, but then had to take a leak so I took my half eaten apple into the toilet with me. I don’t know what I did with it in there, I guess I put it down somewhere, took the leak, then picked it up again and walked out carrying it. Problem was, one of my classmates, who I thought was my friend, saw me walking out with a half eaten apple and told everyone that I’d been eating my apple in the toilet. This lead to laughter and mockery that has haunted me to this day, particularly the unfairness that I didn’t eat the apple in the bloody toilet, I just took it in there in between eating sessions.

Anyway, at work today I had a meeting in the oldest most asbestos wing of the building, which has the benefit of the toilets being almost deserted so a great place to settle down for an uninterrupted session for a big one. So, anyway, I bowl into what I assumed was going to be my private toilet and there was a middle-aged guy standing there eating a sandwich.

Which I thought was unusual.

So I changed plan and pretended I just wanted to take a leak, but he left without washing his hands. Then, after I took a leak and washed my hands and left, he was waiting outside and went back in after I left.

This seems unusual to me. I know I’m not the best judge of these things, having been scarred by my experience as a child, but it strikes me as unusual to eat a sandwich in the toilet.

First day at school I caught my willy in the trouser zip. They had to call my mum.

You want to talk about scarred?

(I evidently have a haunted willy that is cursed in some way. By a witch or something, or possibly an ex.)

Surely a pastie is the natural choice for eating in the toilet – they crimped the edges for tin miners to hold, so they should fine for crimping one out

A mug of tea to slurp whilst perusing the Screwfix catalogue is acceptable. Anything else is deviance.

The crime of eating in the toilet has to come second to the offence of holding a loud and involved conversation on your phone while taking a dump.

Accidentally calling your primary teacher ‘mum’ or god forbid ‘mummy’ has to be right up there with childhood phycological trauma!

settle down for an uninterrupted session

I’m curious about what sort of interruptions are normal when using the toilet at your workplace ?

I shudder at the memory of leaving trap one at the same time as a shop floor colleague in an engineering firm left trap two, and being given pause for thought as he headed for the door without going via the sinks.

“You not washing your hands?” I asked.

“No,” he says. “It came out clean,” and he left.

This was the chap who made the drinks at break time, and his trademark was to wring the teabags out with his fingers. Personal hygiene was a big issue for him and his nickname, rightly enough, was Stinky Chris – people who’d been there some time would not allow him to make them drinks. Heart of gold – smelly hands of shite.

I’m curious about what sort of interruptions are normal when using the toilet at your workplace ?

Phone calls are irritating. Blow by blow thinking out loud action reports on how things are moving along are disturbing. I have a couple of quiet spots that are good for settling down for a big job, the asbestos building being one.

Surely if you need a piss while eating an apple you just stuff it in your mouth with a semi bite and hold it while you waz? Why would you put it down anywhere near a toilet!!

Surely if you need a piss while eating an apple you just stuff it in your mouth with a semi bite and hold it while you waz? Why would you put it down anywhere near a toilet!!

That may have been what I did, I just don’t remember. All I remember was the burning shame of being falsely accused of eating an apple in the toilet when I didn’t eat it in the toilet, I just took it into the toilet in between eating sessions. And then the people who I thought were my friends turned on me and mocked me and just mocked me more when I tried to explain.

What are you thoughts on leaving the table mid way through a meal, leaving a half finished plate of food to return to after a visit to the toilet for an almighty dump?

All I can say is that I’m relived at the wonders of the human body that such scenarios rarely (if ever) arise.

Kids can be so cruel…. Did you earn a nickname?  The bogscoffer? Cock’s Orange Pisser? Golden Delishpiss? 😉

First day at school I caught my willy in the trouser zip. They had to call my mum.

You want to talk about scarred?

I went to an all boys military school, at 11 i broke two vertebrae in my neck playing rugby, i was skinny then and they did not have a neck brace small enough, I went to school with a leg of my mums tights packed with newspaper round my neck!

Did you earn a nickname?

I did, but I will never repeat it. Until I die.

My last place of work had a guy who insisted on dialing into meetings whilst sat in one of the cubicles,and seemingly spending whole meetings in there. I remember on more than one occasion him also being dialled in while standing at the urinal.

Sometimes they weren’t voice only meetings, either.

There are some very strange people out there.

Surely if you need a piss while eating an apple you just stuff it in your mouth with a semi bite and hold it while you waz?

That indescribable feeling of triumph when you achieve this without biting through and dropping the apple in the bog, or weeing on the floor (much) or drooling (much)

Was it a Cox’s Pee-pin?

I’ll get me coat.

there was a middle-aged guy standing there eating a sandwich

Shit sandwich?

Was your toilet encounter in Glasgow?

I did, but I will never repeat it. Until I die.

You poor, sweet, summer child.

Red rag to a bull.

Shit sandwich?

Very good, do we have a winner already?!

I did, but I will never repeat it. Until I die.

Come now you’re amongst friends. It’ll be therapeutic to finally lift the terrible burden you’ve been carrying.

Oh!

Crap apple?

I asked Chat GPT. The first go was tame:

“You said:

What would be a funny nickname for someone who eats food in the toilet

ChatGPT said:

ChatGPT

Here are a few playful nicknames for someone with this unusual habit:

Toilet Taster

Potty Platter

Flush Gourmet

Bathroom Buffet-er

Porcelain Plate

Stall Snack-er

John Muncher

Loo Luncher

Commode Connoisseur

Restroom Restauranteur

These could be funny without being too harsh—depending on the sense of humor”

So I asked it to be less polite:

“Crapper Cruncher

Dump Diner

Poop Platter

Stall Stuffer

Latrine Lunatic

Bowl Biter

Turd Taster

Cesspit Snacker

Flush Feaster

Sewer Scoffer

These definitely go for shock value, so they could hit hard! Just make sure everyone’s on board with the joke”!

Crapper Cruncher

Well done chat GPT, well done!