Death anxiety coping strategies

For pretty much as long as I can remember I’ve suffered from a fear of dying. I distinctly remember, as does my dad, being very young and going down very late at night when he was still awake and asking about it because I was so scared and worried. I always thought I was a freak because my dad seemed so unconcerned by it but I’ve come to realise it’s a fairly common phobia.

I don’t want to be too dramatic but it’s ruining my life! If I think about it to any depth I’ll start to hyperventilate and the only way to get away from it is to ring mum or dad to have a conversation about anything to take my mind off it. You might say ‘just stop thinking about it’ but I reckon it drifts into my thought patterns at least 30 times a day and that’s just when I’m conscious of doing it. As my parents are getting older now on a weekly basis I’ll dream of something happening to them and that affects my mood for the rest of the day/week after I’ve woken up crying.

I listen to audiobooks on my bike constantly to avoid my mind drifting, I’ve been known to speak aloud my 7 times tables and I regularly think them in my head, I can also recite the alphabet backwards with ease.

I’m interested to hear ideas about how people cope and what strategies they’ve employed to functioning without having full blown panic attacks. I guess I could start working on my 12 and up times tables?!

I know how you feel. Same here, I get very depressed about it. Just feel so hopeless and adrift.

Often thought about walking to the nearest bridge :-(. But the hassle caused for others would be catestophic.

I think you need counselling. A trained therapist can help with CBT.
I too (especially during Covid) couldn’t sleep because of my fear of dying.
Good luck with finding some help so you can enjoy your ‘life’ .

I always thought I was a freak because my dad seemed so unconcerned by it but I’ve come to realise it’s a fairly common phobia.

You’re not a freak, don’t think like that. You feel how you feel and nobody should judge, after all, what is “normal”?

I’m not a fan of CBT, but I am a fan of counselling with a therapist. You’ll find plenty and professionals have realised that you can have as good an experience online as in person

Membership of a recognised body is important, e.g. https://ncps.com/blog/posts/finding-a-counsellor or https://www.bacp.co.uk/ (NCPS used to be the NCS)

That sounds like it needs proper counselling. I take it you mean fear of just dying, rather than a suicidal ideation.

Not for you to say on here but any history of anxiety and/or depression? Might be a very specific aspect of that. Does it get worse this time of year, maybe linked to SAD perhaps?

Yep, first stop should be your GP, whereupon you’ll hopefully get a referral. Provision generally isn’t great, country-wide, but best get on a waiting list ASAP. Or look into private options if money allows. No need to suffer; various therapy options designed for just this sort of thing.

Out of interest, if you’re comfortable talking about it, is it the idea of being dead that scares you, or the thought of suffering beforehand? Or all of the above?

Anyway, I really hope you get some effective help.

Often thought about walking to the nearest bridge :-(. But the hassle caused for others would be catestophic.

Two people close to me have done this. They both survived, but with life-changing injuries. It was, sorry to labour the point, very bad.

Please get the help you need. You shouldn’t have to live like this, and a better way is possible if you can unlock it with the help of a professional. Good luck.

OP, I have a similar fear, it comes and goes, and it’s been around as long as I can recall. I have no history of depression etc. I suspect it’s fairly common. Counselling would be a good shout.

Strangely enough a month or so ago there was a realistic chance I was going to be killed and I didn’t have any of that fear then, even scribbled out a will, but I have had it since.

Thanks all for the sensitive replies, I’ve been considering posting this for last week but had a worry that people would not understand and just say ‘it’s inevitable’ and such platitudes.

It’s the thought of being dead not of any suffering. Yes I do suffer with bouts of depression but this actually means I struggle less with the dying anxiety because my mind is so consumed by fire ants in my head. But the dying anxiety has been a part of me since primary school, way before any depression.

I’m just not sure what a counsellor can do and I’m not sure talking about it will help. Maybe even make it worse, I’d like it to just disappear but that’s not possible and the panic that this will only get worse the older I get. Every night when I stop reading and roll over the thought pops in ‘what if I don’t wake up’ and I have to think through your backwards alphabet constantly but it’s getting too easy now.

I wouldn’t want to go to the GP because I think they have so many other priorities and I’d feel such a fraud taking up their time. It’s just all so helpless, I always think with depression you can make life changes to make things better and change your circumstances but I can’t control this! I’d be worried about suicide but hey catch22, with this fear I’ll never do it!

I also remember crying when I was really young about the thought of being dead.

Now, apart from worrying how I’ll die, death doesn’t bother me. I think along the lines of what was it like before I was born? Yeah, I don’t know, I didn’t exist, and that’s what it’ll be like from the moment I die. Also think of myself as part of the carbon cycle, so when my body breaks down I shall return to the earth and those carbon atoms inside of me can help new life in some way :0)

I don’t know anything about this, fear of death, anxiety, depression etc. so I can’t comment specifically on that but I used to be of the opinion that therapy would not help me. I had some problems with my partner sevreal years ago and we both went to therapy, without a douby one of the best things I’ve done in my life, I think I only had 6 sessions or so but it was so worth it. I would recommend to anyone to talk to a therapist, even if you don’t have any specific goal. You can learn something about yourself and often improve yourself.

Don’t underestimate the value of talking to someone, especially someone who knows how to evaluate your feelings and thoughts.

What are you actually scared about with death? Not being alive and not being able to enjoy life anymore? Simply not being here anymore? Ironically being so stressed about that is affecting your ability to enjoy that life.

I get exactly what you’re talking about GC. Honestly, I’m having little panic attacks reading this thread and I dont get panic attacks… Just the idea of not being here. It comes and goes for me. Sometimes thoughts flash into my head in the middle of the night. Sometimes I’m fine for months. I remember being terrified as a kid.

I don’t know what a solution is. I sometimes think I need to sort of sit down and have a good think about it head on. Maybe talking to someone about it might help, maybe I’d have to walk out after 30 seconds, Guess I’m just following along for interest.

This is 100% the sort of thing that your GP is here to help with. You’re experiencing a debilitating level of anxiety. Totally appropriate. To be clear, things like this absolutely are treatable via psychotherapy, e.g. CBT. There are practical, straightforward strategies you can learn to help you manage these feelings better at the very least.

I wouldn’t want to go to the GP because I think they have so many other priorities and I’d feel such a fraud taking up their time

This is exactly what GPs are for. They are there to help you with your health,  mental and physical.

Do you have access to any support via work? Might be able to connect and get guidance without going through the GP

I know I can access my local NHS’s mental health services directly without going through the GP, but +1 you’re not wasting their (or anyone else’s!) time.

Go see your and get yourself referred for counselling.  I don’t know how common it is, or how extreme it is compared to other phobias, ( not the right word) but I would tend to believe that even if it isn’t curable they can help you with coping strategies.  It doesn’t need to rule and ruin your life

I recently listened to Richard Herring talking to Chris Hoy. Chris said that his work with Steve Peters was really helping him regarding controlling the controlablles. One story he told was of a friend who I think also had cancer. When talking to the doctor he asked what the worst case scenario was and the doctor replied, “you leave my office and get struck by a bus.”

I don’t know how much a GP can help but you definitely should devalue your problems, so go and talk to one. All the best, I hope you get help soon.

I appreciate that is possibly a slightly risky thing to post, please accept that it’s done in good faith with good intention…

Anyway, MrsIHN has always had anxiety, but about this time last year it had got a lot, lot worse. She’s was on edge constantly, and just felt dreadful in herself. Her work offer menopause advice consultations, so she took advantage of it. Long story short, even though she doesn’t really meet the usual criteria (only mid forties, cycle still regular, etc etc, there were others too), the doctor agreed to her starting and, honestly, it was like flicking a switch. She felt massively better pretty much straight away.

Possibly something to think about.

No offence taken, it’s something to consider that it could be so much worse just lately because of that I guess. I have had other symptoms such as my heart palpitations and the Dr just told me it could be up to 10 years suffering with such symptoms. I do have something through work so maybe I should look into it more.

Also think of myself as part of the carbon cycle

So pretty much like a sudden catastrophic failure of the frame.

I used to get this quite a bit, on and off over the years, but its passed now and to be 100% truthful I couldn’t tell you why it bubbled up periodically but I’d guess there were periods where quite a few of the oldies in the family/social groups were popping off, so it was lurking in the subconscious waiting for an opportunity.

Sorry, spectacularly unhelpful post but, yeah, you’re not alone

this was always the goto for panic attacks:

https://amzn.eu/d/d4GUiRy

Afaik, some doctors administer psilocybin mushrooms to patients who are in the last stages of terminal cancer.

lots of people microdose (illegally).

Studies show that the psylocybin supplements serotonin.

Aside from the risk of being knocked down by a cyclist 🙂 or falling into a canal, eating mushroom truffles in the Netherlands seems like the safest way to get hold of them.

Prolly quite icy cobbles, but under certain conditions, The Hague can feel quite heavenly.

Could be something to do with the light.

Left field suggestion…

Do you ever read poetry? Death and death anxiety (to use your term, there are others!) have inspired a lot of superb poetry and I find it comforting to read. Comforting because of its beauty and because it helps me refine my own thoughts and because it tells me that I am not alone.

I wouldn’t want to go to the GP because I think they have so many other priorities and I’d feel such a fraud taking up their time.

Having read your original post I cannot begin to imagine how difficult your life must be, and I am shocked that you have been suffering with these anxieties since such a young age.

IMO you would be totally 100% justified seeking help from the NHS, and as a first step to contact your GP.

I honestly believe that your long-term solution has to be professional support but as the thread’s title enquires about coping strategies as a half-serious suggestion I would recommend drawing inspiration from Buddhist  philosophy which focuses on the present moment, the here and now, because that is all that matters – the past and the future are out of our control and therefore not worth worrying about.

I hope you seek the help and support that you are clearly entitled to. Good luck

I tend to just put my fingers in my ears and go lalalalal…. Fully accepted I’m T1 diabetic and likely I’ll be knocking 10-15 off my life expectancy. Which means hey, I’m 50 now. 15 good years left then the countdown is on.

Death is the only thing we’re guaranteed in life. Don’t waste time worrying. Spend time living.

Left field suggestion…

Do you ever read poetry? Death and death anxiety (to use your term, there are others!) have inspired a lot of superb poetry and I find it comforting to read. Comforting because of its beauty and because it helps me refine my own thoughts and because it tells me that I am not alone.

Much as I love it, the OP should probably avoid Larkin’s “Next Please”.

I think counselling is like training, until you do some you’ve no idea of the benefits (to you).

Thanks again for helpful replies.

‘Death is the only thing we’re guaranteed in life. Don’t waste time worrying. Spend time living.’ this was the sentiment/opinion I was most hoping to avoid because it’s about as helpful and supportive as telling someone with depression to just smile more.

I tried to look into counsellors last night on the sofa but crikey it’s even more confusing terminology based than hair care products where they’ve got a name for chemicals I’ve never heard of and I’m not even sure are even a ‘thing’. I believe my employee assistance program offers 6 free sessions so I might ring up tomorrow when I’m home alone, at least that’ll give me an idea what it’s all about.

Sorry to hear that op..

Is death anxiety the same as health anxiety? I guess they are linked. I have the latter, it’s brutal.

I tried to look into counsellors last night…

I can’t emphasise this enough

Membership of a recognised body is important, e.g. https://ncps.com/blog/posts/finding-a-counsellor or https://www.bacp.co.uk/ (NCPS used to be the NCS)

I’d suggest personal recommendation for starters, just decide online or in-person. Your EAP might be willing to finance your choice.

Read the counsellor’s “blurb” and see if it connects with you. If not, move on.

Many will offer a discounted/free initial, no obligation, session. See if you connect. If not, move on.

I can’t be more helpful, sorry, it’s a relationship that has to promote engaging and sharing so that you feel safe to explore issues

Do you have access to any support via work?

I was just gonna say, if you are in salaried employment, your work probably has an employee assistance programme (EAP).

Ask your manager, contact HR or look on the Intranet for details.

It’s all confidential (as in the content of the sessions and that you’ve accessed the service) and you’ll typically get about 6 counselling sessions.

This is an interesting post @golfchick

I’ve had it since I was a teenager. At this moment in my life with both parents terminally ill, it really brings my own mortality into focus. I’m likely beyond the halfway point of my life and the things I like doing are all physical things. As those get harder to do, and with less time to do them, it really fills me with dread to the point of a panic attack. I get lots of aches in odd places, I’ve just had blood and other bodily fluids taken to check for nasty things. I reckon I’m almost at the point of a complete breakdown due to the stress of that, and all the other nonsense. Is there anything else in your life causing you stress or anxiety?

Oh, the twelve times tables are a tricky one out loud.

Don’t waste time worrying. Spend time living.’ this was the sentiment/opinion I was most hoping to avoid because it’s about as helpful and supportive as telling someone with depression to just smile more.

You asked for people’s thoughts. You seem to want to do something about it. Is dwelling on it helping you? It would seem not. This has happened for as long as you remember? So what’s the catalyst for change now?

Perhaps look into psychology rather than a “counsellor”.

Definitely talk to a gp, and get some assistance.

I have phases of being concerned but have learned to realise that those are my mind getting stuck into the old worn groove that I got stuck in during the pandemic.

I had health anxiety to such an extent that I  was gradually cutting myself off from everything because I was convinced (not really a strong enough word,  I knew) I wouldn’t be alive by the end of 2020.

Thankfully I was able to get some therapy which helped hugely and crucially I was able to recognise the indicators and try to head it off before I isolated myself again.

Please talk to someone,  even if it is one of us idiots on here.

What you have is not unusual or wierd.

I hope you can get the treatment that helps

While I have no experience of  heightened anxiety over anything, and I am aware of my good fortune in that regard, I am also able to take a very pragmatic approach to death in as much as I remind myself that none of us are getting out of this life alive and I can’t do a single thing about it. I also tell myself that I’d be devastated to wake up dead having not done all the reasonably achievable things that I wanted to do…..then I remind myself that I won’t because I’ll be dead, so I don’t worry about it.  I think the point I’m clumsily trying to make is, I can only try to take control of my things that are not inevitable while I’m alive and the inescapable outcome will come regardless of what I do.

I’m not articulating this very well and I hope you can overcome your anxiety to at least a tolerable level.

the Dr just told me it could be up to 10 years suffering with such symptoms.

F–k that, find a better doctor. There’s very little reason why you should be ‘suffering’ with menopausal symptoms (one of which is heightened anxiety), medication is available. It can take a while to to get it nailed, as there’s lots of options, but if your doctor is shrugging their shoulders (and, shamefully, incredibly, they still exist*), find another on who’ll actually make an effort to help.

*Anecdotally, our local surgery has a reputation for being pretty crap, menopause-wise. The one down the road a bit has a much better reputation

So has your GP made any kind of diagnosis? Offered any kind of treatment? Can you get a mental health care plan from them and a referral to psychology? Maybe meds? It doesn’t sound like you’re wasting their time, sounds like the other way round to me.

I’ve avoided this topic…

when i was young i learned that smoking kills, i then became fearful of losing my mum to it

i ended up smoking myself for a number of years despite this

anyway, i lost my mum to what i blame on smoking, she was 55

I’d also lost my Grandad at what i thought was a young age before my mum at 64

This plays on my mind, i’m 47, every time i hear about a celebrity passing, i end up doing the math on how much older they were than me…

My coping is this

Firstly, i can’t really control it, my goals are making it to that point relatively healthy and with my marbles intact, with a good quality of life. And ensuring that my kids are prepared for the world.

When that time comes I am fairly confident that will be it, no traditional afterlife. However, my life will continue in my kids, and whatever i done with my time in this world.

the biggest coping strategy is this; I spoke to my great nan on my last visit to her, she was 100 at the time i believe, she calmly assured me that i wouldn’t see her again, and she was satisfied with that. She wasn’t fearful, so i’ve come to realise that as you get older you naturally become more adjusted to the fact that you will be moving on.

It’s worse for those that you leave behind

I found the Stoic (as in the philosophers with a capital S) approach helped reframe my thoughts on death.

“Memento Mori”: The Reminder We All Desperately Need