Dealing with a breakup.

Not trying to talk you into it or anything 🙂 but its nearly all gravel paths and tarmac (exciting eh!). Decent route through the country parks etc. Keep it in mind for future weeks if not tonight.
All the best.

Career? Bollocks to that. Do something you like. What are you good at? There must be something? What would you do if money didn’t matter? If you don’t like you, change you. YOU are amazing. YOU can do anything if you set your mind to it. Anything. You don’t need other people to validate it. If you want to do the enduro series then that’s a goal. What do you need to do to achieve that goal? Do you know others who have the same goal? Hook up with them and that helps your motivation.
3 things off the top if my head:
1: you’re clearly a nice bloke ( or a lucrative career in deception/acting is on the cards)
2: you can string a sentence together.
3: you’re a good looking guy and attractive to others. ( if you weren’t you wouldn’t have an ex!)

And I’ve never met you. They may seem insignificant but they’re stepping stones. I’ll guarantee you’re not bad to look at either. But if you hate the way you look change it. Go and get your hair cut. Just go somewhere new, walk in sit down and say I want a new look. Go with what they recommend. Go and buy some new clothes. Ask the shop assistants (female preferably) for advice. The lasses in my local Gap always helped me before I got married. Walked in feeling like a tramp walked out feeling like a million bucks. And all I brought was some new jeans and a shirt.
You have the power to change everything. You really do. Stop saying you can’t because you can. Really.

Thanks.

I’m certainly not a moaner, far from it. I was never the center of attention either, usually somewhere in the middle. I like to think I have many of the good qualities people look for, honestly, kindness, loyalty, sense of humour, outgoing etc

And apparently I have nice eyes.

Listen to Beck – Sea Change

Best break-up album going,
You’ll wallow, You’ll grieve, You’ll accept, You’ll learn to function again, You’ll start to live life again.

Sea Change my friend, Sea Change.

Now we’re talking. If all you ever do is look for negatives all you’ll ever find is negatives my friend.

Maybe I need to buy and Audi and go singlespeed?

Wow there tonto. Life’s not gone that wrong has it?

toppers ^^^

+1

I guess not!

Thanks again for the replies today, it has definitely helped.

Take a bit of time to build a buffer between one chapter of your life and the next. For now, embrace everything in your life that didn’t involve the ex.
I went through a tough time 20 years ago and finally got out of it by telling myself to take a break from looking for a relationship and giving it a bit of time for one to find me.

Companionship is what I will miss the most, it sums up that bond you have with the person. Even though I want that, I wont/can’t go looking for another relationship.

get a dog. its the future!

Her parents had a boxer dog, I’ll miss those big slabbers!

😯

That didn’t sound like it should have….

Hey, you’re 31! Loads of time to meet someone great. I spent nearly ten years with the wrong chap (loads of reasons and mostly my head not letting me leave someone who treated me badly) and didn’t get out ’till my late 30s. Have a great bloke now who got me into mountain biking too 🙂

st colin, go for a ride with sv

tonight: don’t put it off

consider it your 1st step of your rehabilitation

even if sv turns out to be a git (which seems remarkably unlikely as he’s made a generous offer), you’ll have made a positive decision and won’t be sitting at home moping

(… but if he starts talking about your pretty eyes, don’t eat any of his “sweets” 😀 )

This is my story on the matter, take from it what you will.

My ex dumped me after almost 10 years when I was about your age. I was so devastated I couldn’t function enough to work, so I resigned after 2 months. I then languished alone most nights in a bedroom in the houseshare I’d moved into before I decided to go backpacking to Australia and New Zealand for a year because I couldn’t bare to stay in London with her around and dating others. We stayed friends, we even started shagging again till I left, but I held out hope for about 2 years even though she returned back to Argentina while I was travelling.

Backpacking alone pushed me to socialise to avoid being alone and so I made loads of friends along the way, had great times and experiences, a few flings, experienced some bigger crushes. There were lonely times travelling too, and I remember still feeling desperate and suicidal at times back in London, such as wanting to turn my work scooter onto oncoming traffic.

I quit various jobs and felt like I’d failed to establish a career despite my supposed potential and education. I read loads of self help and spiritual books, which helped me mentally, but frankly, what helped the most was lots of casual internet dating (back when people were embarrassed to admit it) which helped me feel much better about myself. Eventually I met the woman who became my wife, partly on the strength of having Australia in common.

Now I live in Australia and have a family, home, and career. My ex and I still email occasionally, she has a family too now, but I’m totally over her. While breaking contact probably would have been quicker, it’s good we’re still friends after sharing so much together. I reckon I’ve done alright, it just takes time. Some people suggest half as much time as you spent together.

I need to stop thinking that it is just a break from us that she wants and that it will work out in the end

That’s it in a nutshell. It will happen naturally, and sooner if you take the good advice given here.

About self-esteem: it’s hard not to take rejection personally and that resentment is the main cause of your hurt. It’s not you, it’s not her; it’s the situation. This too will pass.

The main thing is not to worry about worrying; What has happened cannot unhappen or be undone. There is only the future. A vast, unwritten future of possibilities and adventures if you open yourself to it.

Some great advice here, I know what you’re going thorough and I’m sorry to hear whats happened but you will be fine.

The quickest way for you to regain control over your life is a clean break. Don’t worry about being alone there is alway someone to talk to somewhere. You just need to get yourself out and about.

A lot of the emotions you’re feeling is just your depression screwing with you, it’s so hard to make a positive influence on your life while depressed so little steps but you must do things.

So get out on your bike tonight, its not hard to change tyres so get the rubber off your Meta (great bike by the way) and get it on the rigid. Have a nice cuppa and out for a ride. You’ll feel loads better and thats good enough for today 😀

Someone significantly cleverer than me once said if you can change a situation then there’s no point worrying about it. If you can’t change a situation then worrying about it won’t change that. This has served me well.
Do, or do not. There is no try.

Not wishing to repeat to much but there is a lot of sense here. Ten years ago I got together with Mrs W and it has been wonderful. She tells me that the thing that was attractive was that I was comfortable with myself. (and I had been in some dark places)
I sorted myself out by doing much of what has been suggested but had realised that it was very easy to drift (even when doing nice things) The key to me stabilising was to create a structure.
Everyday/week putting some set points in. Work/physical/domestic/social. It meant that if I hadn’t ridden in the week I had to go out no matter what the weather on a Sunday even if I’d been on the booze/pull the night before. The structure stopped me from indulging myself and continuing to spiral down. It helped to focus forward. Doesn’t matter if the proportions get moved a bit. But achieve a bit of what you said you would.
Good luck doesn’t come till you’ve made the effort to deserve it.

Makes sense wingnuts.

I have so much I can be getting on with, riding my bike, photography, seeing friends. Might even spark up the Xbox again, it’s not seen any action in a long time!

I’d make sure I was only doing that with mates. Say to them lets do it on whatever day rather than just sitting down and consuming 12hours! The contact with others is important even if you don’t talk to them much.

St Colin, first. Don’t blame yourself relationships fail for all sorts of reasons, and happen to happy beautiful gorgeous looking people, and it happens to the rest if us as well 😆

When I split up, we did the whole casual thing for a bit and its rubbish, trust me, it was just icky.

So, dumped properly no going back, did some rubbish dates, got drunk, laughed ( even if I didn’t feel like it) then got off my bum, painted my room, did loads of cycling with my dad, got a job. Very very content

Saw Ex over Xmas with her new partner… Not bothered, happy for them both, no one was more surprised than me!!

Absolutely, fill your time with things, there are so many cool things to do.

In a perverse way what has happened could be the thing you needed. Treat this as a massive learning curve. Learn about yourself, what you need, and learn to be comfotable with yourself. You can’t go through something like this without it changing you. It is a long hard road but worth every bit of the effort.

It changed me for the better, I think I appreciate life much more now and I have certainly lived more since. I had lots of fun and adventures, met a great girl and really enjoy myself but never take anything for granted. I’m still learning about life, myself and others and won’t ever stop.

St Colin – get those tyres changed pronto big man! No excuses – you wont regret it!

Unfortunately If I’d had notice I would have made it tonight. I will definitely keep in touch and get down for a ride soon.

Twenty years this year since the first love of my life dumped me – for my then boss, as it turned out. Thank goodness she did.

Just celebrated 15 years of marriage to the REAL love of my life, whom I met a couple of years later. They were somewhat self destructive and unhappy years but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and all that.

I’m now happier than I ever was before and life is great – really hope it turns out this way for you. I’ve had all the negative self image stuff, too, so I understand where you’re at, but believe me, life can change when you least expect it.

Got married at 34, so a couple of years ahead of where you are now…

Good luck and try to stay positive!

Colin I’m just up the road near Antrim and normally ride Cavehill most weekends if you want to join us anytime. Or if you just want to let off steam feel free to email me. Addy in profile.

Went through a dark spell myself when an ex dumped me…for the 16yr old who was giving her guitar lessons.
Hit me hard. Even thought about you know what…
But, I’m still here. Grabbing a few mins whilst listening to two monkeys playing up in the bath. Life is good.

Things that got me through…
Exercise. I know it’s tough to get out, but it’s a good tonic.
Stay busy. Do stuff. Anything.
Be around people. I’d often grab a book & just sit in a cafe. Anything to avoid being alone.
Nowadays, I see people sitting alone & look on with envy….!!!

As for moving on, only when you’re ready.
Women are attracted to someone who is happy with his lot.

Listen to Beck – Sea Change

+1,000,000.

Dunno why, but I gravitated to a wealth of depressing music when I went through a very painful divorce two years ago. It was counterintuitive but found it helped a lot. And I actually enjoyed finding new and more bleak music. And angry music. Angry music was brilliant. Turned up to 11.

Anyhoo… my point:

It *WILL* get better. I promise.

Sounds easy but deal with it and move on.

You are NOT the shmuck you think you are. Take some quality ‘You’ time. Treat yourself. Put yourself first for a while. Get out. Do stuff. Meet people. Keep active. Ride your bike, ride your bike, ride your bike.

Chin up, etc *jokey arm punch*

I should probably add that after 22 years in a relationship with the woman I had blindly convinced myself was the love of my life and that I couldn’t possibly live without her, I now find myself with someone I wish I’d met 22 years ago instead. It’s only now I see what I had been missing all those years.

Hindsight, eh?

*another jokey arm punch*

Thanks again for the further replies.

My solo bike ride was good last night, did clear my head for 90 minutes. Then went for a short walk with a friend. It’s the alone time that is hardest.

Thinking about cutting ties on Facebook/Twitter too, as seeing posts (though neither of us are big posters/users) only makes me think of her.

Absolutely unfollow/block.unfriend etc.

I’ve been there, the temptation is always there to check in on someone and then you see flirty stuff on her wall from some other bloke and it’s not a great feeling…

On Facebook you can just choose to hide all posts from someone, if you want to avoid her asking why she’s been unfriended.

tis a good idea to stop the social media contact. rather than just do it tho, id probably drop a text first just to tell her why youre doing it and moving on. short, sweet and polite. then once sent, smile to yourself and get on with the rest of your life. theres lots of good things out there just waiting for you to experience.

My solo bike ride was good last night, did clear my head for 90 minutes

Thank goodness, I was fearing a “what tyre for break up thread?” 😀

Turns out, semi-slicks with about 50psi in them did the job just fine*

*Apart from a few sketchy moments on a trail center run

Life sometimes deals you a bad hand but you’ve just got to try and get over it, as hard as it might seem. Suffice it to say, you’re not alone, I feel your pain – my wife decided we should separate just before Christmas but I still love her the same as the day 10 years ago we met or married 8 years ago. There’s a lot to it but whole sorry saga’s here, you may find some comfort in reading, you may not, that’s up to you. I’ve had some very dark days over Christmas and New Year but my family and friends have really pulled it out of the bag for me. Do the same, speak to them, spend time in their company – just being around people helped me enormously.

Above all, remember, things WILL get better one way or the other.

Dude, stop feeling sorry for yourself, find someone in a worse situation than you, (there are gazillions) and help them.

http://www.charityjob.co.uk

Change your life, go help others.

Those eyes of yours, use them to wink a bit more, learn to make folk laugh, cheer them up you’ll find it has the same effect on you. 😉

The secret to keeping women happy (other than the obvious) is to make them laugh.