Bad Joke Thread

Bad jokes please….

Why did the little pink girl fall off her little pink bike?

Becasue she got hit by a fridge.

What cheese would you use to disguise a horse?

Mascarpone

What has eight legs and would kill you if it jumped out of a tree onto you?

A snooker table

theotherjonv is listening to TMS…

Why do mice have such small balls?
Because so few can dance…

or following it on line….

Thread title didn't say 'original' bad jokes though, and in any case it is beltingly bad.

Two fish in a tank.

One fish says to the other fish…
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…Can i drive?

Which cheese is made backwards?

Edam.

The M1 and the A1 roads are in a pub having a quiet pint, when in walks a skinny strip of red tarmac.
"Oh we'd better leave now he's here" says the M1, obviously frightened.
"Why?" asks the A1 "A big tough motorway like you scared of a little skinny git like that?"
"Ahh," replies the M1 "he might be little, but he's a bloody cyclepath!"

BA
DUM
TISHH!

What did the boy with no arms or legs get for christmas?
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Cancer.

(very bad taste)

Two birds on a perch. One says…..
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Can you smell fish?

What do you call a man with no arms or legs and he swims?

Bob

What do you call another man with no arms or legs and he swims?

Clever Dick

2 biscuits in a biscuit tin 1 says to the other
"Where do you live?"
The other 1 replies
"I'm not telling you, you'll steal my washing!"

Whats big and red with 4 wheels on top….

A dead bus….

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?

So they can hide upside down in bowls of custard.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other "does this taste funny to you?"

Sigh…

A dyslexic couple return home after a night out and on opening the door the husband says "Can you smell gas?" to which the wife replies "Smell gas? I can't even smell my own name!"

What's yellow and smells of banana?
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Monkey puke

How do you catch a gay mouse?
…
With a poofy cat

Two cows standing in a field and one says "moo", the other says "you bollox, I was about to say that"

Two snakes lying in the grass and one says "Are we poisonous?" the other replies "no" to which the first says "Thank god … I just bit my tongue!"

Why do monkeys paint their testicles red?
So they can hide in the cherry trees.
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What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
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Giraffes eating cherries.

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it man!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye dear.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs and no dick?

Still no f**king eye deer.

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What was the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.

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What do epileptics eat for lunch?

Tongue.

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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me…
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now **** off!'

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I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut'

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A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your dad'

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Onan walks into a bar.
“I know you…“ ponders the barman, before he realises:
“Aha! You're that w*nker out of the Bible!“

😀

White horse walks into a pub and asks for a pint.
Barman – "we've got a brand of Scotch names after you"
Horse – "really? A Scotch called Dobbin?"

Polar bear walks into a pub
PB – "I'd like a . . . . . . . . . . . . . . pint please
Barman – "Why the big pause?"
PB – "Because I'm a f**king polar bear"

a scotsman, and irishman, a nun, a vicar and a priest walk into a bar…\

the barman says

"is this some kind of joke?"

Why did the lion get lost?

Because the junglist massive

What did the duck say when she bought some lipstick?
Put it on my bill.

Did you hear about the cannibal that dumped his girlfriend?

What’s a Mouse and an Orange got in common???

None of the two of them can drive a tractor!! 😆

what do you call a judge with no thumbs….

justice fingers.

Did you hear about the cannibal that dumped his girlfriend?

lol!

How do you kill a circus?…..

Go for the Juggler!!

What do you do if a bird shits on your bonnet of your car ?
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You tell her to sod off and dont see her again..

What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?
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A Pilot you racist bastard

a b n g. thats bang out of order.

what's pink and dusty?

Madelein Mccann's bike.

———————————————————————
MGMT isn't actually an acronym, it's the word 'management' condensed to four letters.

It took me a while to discover that BDSM has surprisingly little to do with Buddhism

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Everyone always says that all Americans are fat. This is not true as I met one today who was tall and slim. I met him in some place called the 'hall of mirrors'
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why can't you watch TV in Afghanistan? Cause of the Teli-Ban

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Usain Bolt ran at 40 mph to break his previous world record. You might think that's good, but if he hits a child there's an 80% chance she'll die.

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape.

I'll get my coat…

Do Muslim's use a social network website called Veil-Book?

🙂

Wozza

The correct version is "statistically 9 out 10 people enjoy etc etc…." it's one of my favorite responses to those tits who belive in statistics being of any use whatsoever

statistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs arn`t happy 😀

2 nutters walking over a bridge – 1 says lets have a bite of your apple,the other says – its not an orange its a banana…..

what do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? – Doyouthinkhesaurus

what do you a call a dinosaur with no eyes? – Couldntasaurus

what do you call a dinosaur whose had a vindaloo? – Megasorearse

Couple are driving home when they run over a badger.
They get out and find its still breathing but freezing cold.

"Put it between your legs to warm it up"
He says

"But its all wet and it stinks"
she says

Well hold his f*****G nose then!

What did the farmer say to his herd of cattle?

All your lives are at steak!!!