Anxiety – any tips for coping?

I think there are folk on here who have to deal with this and hope someone can give me some tips

Since MRs TJ died I have had occasional anxiety attacks – usually when a situation is a bit stressful but I have a disproportionate response.  That I can deal with but over the last couple of months its got a lot worse culminating yesterday in an attack of anxiety for a tiny stimulus.  One of the things I have found difficult is going to restaurants on my own and because of that I missed out on a lot of good food on my big bike ride.  Yesterday I thought – a good opportunity to face this – I’ll have my dinner in a local restaurant I know well.  As I tried to go out the door I had a real anxiety attack and thus was unable to go to the restaurant.

I am awaiting an appointment for further counseling to deal with this ( and to help me move on).  Unfortunately CRUSE ha a long waiting list but hopefully it should not be much longer however I hope to be off on my bike for all summer in a month or so so doubt I will be able to deal with this fully

Other psychological effects I have been able to find coping strategies using CBT  type techniques and that has worked well

Its also the two year anniversary of diagnosis and her death ( only 6 weeks apart) over the coming weeks

So those of us who have this anxiety how do you cope?  What little tricks are there to help reduce it?

its not really something I have ever had before and its horrible.  By ‘eck I feel for folk that deal with anxiety long term

You’re not alone in suffering from anxiety. It can feel very debilitating and as you’re a very rational man (as am I) it can also feel difficult to ‘not be in control’ of it.
Keep pursuing the counselling. Are you able to pay to go private? That’s the route i ended up going.

The other thing is if it gets to the point, go onto the drugs. It been on anti-anxiety meds for two years now, and in combo with the tools i built up from councelling i haven’t had an anxiety attack in a good while and feel much better, more like myself again

Disconnect.
Breath. Focus on this moment.
Read some philosophy.

Putting this post up just triggered another attack!  🙂  Again reasonable to be a bit apprehensive of the answers I might get, unreasonable to be in a trembling panic about it  🙂

First of all, sending big love from this direction – both for what you’ve been through, and for what you’re facing. My wife’s life has been crippled by anxiety for the best part of 40 years, and it’s only a few years ago she managed to start getting a hold on it. There was no quick tip, unfortunately, it took a lot of sessions with a therapist (and it took a while to find the right one for her) before she got the right ‘tools’ to help her through.
It’s a massive over simplification, but one of the things she really suffers with is catastrophisation – her mind conjures up the worst possible thing that could happen, and fixates on it to a point where is the only logical end point to her. One of the ways to deal with this was actually to face that result head on, and atalk about the possible outcomes to try and rationalise how she could deal with them if they actually did happen.
But it was easy more complex than that, though! Tbh I can’t recommend a good therapist enough. They may seem expensive, but hers quite literally saved her life.

Acknowledge the feelings, accept them and think about the root cause. I found denying it and trying to “get on with life” made them worse. Spending ten minutes or so to explore the feelings, the trigger and what the actual root cause was tended to be more effective.

And finally:

Do you get these attacks when your mind is occupied by other matters such as that big ride you did last year?

Acknowledge the feelings, accept them and think about the root cause.

Very much this.

The other thing to consider is that what you have been through is an absolute trauma. Do not under estimate the physical and mental strain this has put you through. It will take a long time to process. Accept it and allow yourself to feel shit.

My Mrs went through a similar situation with her mother, 12 weeks from diagnosis to her death. That was 6 years ago and it took her at least 4 years to accept it.

but one of the things she really suffers with is catastrophisation

I am not doing this – there seems to be no reason for it bar a disproportionate response to a stressor.  It does seem like I am building barriers to eating out on my own tho.  There is no ” oh no what about this or that”

The other bit of info perhaps is I am doing a lot of lobbying for the assisted dying bill going thru holyrood.  I had a long phone chat with someone making a TV documentary earlier in the week and in 10 days I am making a big set piece speech on it in front of loads of folk.  I don’t get the anxiety doing this ( or certainly not disproportionate) tho but it has churned it all up again as I keep on reliving Julies death and have had to write a speech.

Another example of the situations is that I am working hard at maintaining social contact with folk but often have an anxiety attack before meeting them- despite this being supportive old friends

Sorry to read this TJ. You have my deepest sympathy.

Part of my bipolar is severe anxiety. It can be debilitating but can usually be controlled, mainly by prevention and preparation. When I recently started a new job I was terrified. For the last 5 years or more I’ve done a tai chi workout every morning to calm myself and gain control of my body and mind. I do the same just before I do anything that will/could induce anxiety. I haven’t completely eliminated attacks but less than 3 a year (I log them. 13 in 5 years) compared to a few each month previously shows progress.

Do you get these attacks when your mind is occupied by other matters such as that big ride you did last year?

Yes – I could not go to restaurants and a couple of times had full blown panic attacks.  But it wasn’t crippling

TJ.. try here:
Mood juice

A good self help guide to identify and ‘challenge’ your anxiety issues

Best of luck pal

DrP

@tjagain – Anxiety can be triggered by all sorts of things. During my worst period i could stand up in front of 600 people and deliver a presentation with no problem, but i had a crippling panic attack about whether i was wearing the right shoes for my sisters wedding. There are no ‘rules’ to it. Everyone’s experience is different and manifests in a different way

spawn of yorkshire – thats exactly it!  Its effing weird.  I can and indeed am looking forward to this big set piece speech but I cannot go to a restaurant on my own

I suffer from absolutely crippling anxiety attacks. Proper hyperventilating shit. Its horrible. I had a pretty severe one yesterday

I never leave home without these in my bag. I’ve got a pack in front of me now.

In all honesty, I very rarely use them, but when I do it stabilises things very quickly. Gets me back on an even keel so I can ratioanlise things. Well… as much as I can ever rationalise things. It was never really my strong point

Oh… and I’m sending you a big man-hug Uncle Jezza, because that always helps too

@tjagain – What I will say is that you can and will feel better again. I’ve done it, plenty of others have as well.

Just a quick question TJ have you always had this or has it developed since your partner died?

I seem to have developed a real “fear” since Carolyn died and several health scares in the last few months have made it worse. One thing I have done that has seemed to help me is make sure all my vitamins/minerals are in good order.

Ta

I want to feel better now!  🙂  Impatient bugger I am

I have used the CBT type techniques to get over much of the trauma ie I no longer have the PTSD type symptoms from looking after her in her final weeks by resetting by saying out loud ” I am proud of what I did” and now I do genuinely feel that pride

I just have nothing similar to deal with this anxiety

I do wonder if I am teetering on the edge of depression

DrP – thanks for that.  I’ll have a further look at it but much of it seems inappropriate as I am not doing the catastophising.  I have nothing to put inmost of the boxes.

Just a quick question TJ have you always had this or has it developed since your partner died?

Basically since Julie died and which is two years ago but its ramped up over the last couple of months.

Edit – although deadlines like a plane flight have triggered it in the past but to nothing like this extent and I had learnt to cope with that usually by passing responsibility onto someone else.

Hi TJ,
Anxiety is something that I have struggled with for many years. It ended my career in engineering, although it did inspire me to re-train to become an OT (Thought it might help to fix myself). I’ve managed to control and live with the anxiety with some success over the last five years but getting diagnosed with metastatic prostate cancer (last Summer) and the subsequent treatment has brought the anxiety back on.

I too find it difficult to go into restaurants, pubs, cafes on my own. It also means that many of my planned trips are cancelled at the last minute. I feel sick with anxiety if I have to be somewhere at a specific time too. Very restricting!

My tips would be:
1) Try, try, try to not let it stop you doing things. It just makes it harder next time.
2) Go for that meal out. Go somewhere familiar and take a book with you.
3) Try and do things with a mindful approach.
4) Try not to focus on the anxiety. It’s so easy to become anxious about becoming anxious.
5) Remember it’s OK to be anxious.

Sometimes I have to adopt a “**** you” attitude. I imagine that I am Begbie (Trainspotting). What would he do with anxiety?! This has often helped me get on top of panic attacks when the world has started spinning and I’m going under.

Anyway, I think you have been through a lot and are doing well. Your big trip certainly inspired me. I’m rarely anxious when I’m riding; my sister tells me… “Well, don’t stop riding then” 🙂

I worry about worrying when I’m on a flight.
Had loads of hypnotherapy but having a couple of diazepam in my wallet and knowing that I’ll be fine because I can take them any time I like is a cheaper and easier!

I can sympathize but can’t really help. Mainly, I deal with mine by avoiding the situations causing it. That’s one of the reasons I stopped working four years ago. I have the catastrophising kind, though with enough other effects to also make me believe it’s (bordering on?) mild depression. If avoidance isn’t possible then I tend to over-plan. I’m not sure that’s going to aid your restaurant situation, though perhaps trying to find a “logical” reason for your anxiety might gain you an insight?

Disconnect.
Breath. Focus on this moment.
Read some philosophy.

I prefer “Chill Daddio” 😉

That is a very significant trauma you’ve been through (my condolences for your loss) – it’s not surprising that it’s left some effects in it’s wake.  As with others above, I can offer sympathy but no real advice.

I’m 59 and began to suffer serious anxiety on and off for the first time last year, after a series of unrelated health issues and hospital visits left me battered and bruised, physically and mentally.  Thankfully, as these issues have improved or stabilised so has my anxiety.  As mine was health related, one strategy that really helped me was focussing on being more healthy and getting a little fitter as soon as I was able to after the various ops and procedures.

I had lost a heap of fitness and got breathless very easily during the worst of it and was almost confined to the house.  That was the low point when the anxiety/depression really kicked in, I had some very dark thoughts during the worst of it. I’ve always been pretty fit and active and suddenly not being so (and worried I might never be so again) really messed with my head.  Having a real concerted effort to eat healthily, cut back on the booze and very gradually increase exercise made a huge difference.  I think it was down to feeling back in control of my body/health to some degree instead of just being a passenger along for a bumpy ride!

I genuinely hope you find some way to manage or improve it, I’m sure the support, advice and shared experiences on here will help.  Good luck 👍

Man, I’ve not really been on here for a few years so I didn’t realise, and am so sorry for you mate. I’m a long term ‘sufferer’ of anxiety and depression but it’s been recently linked to my neurodivergence and I now have diagnoses of autism, ADHD and Mixed Anxiety and Depression.

I too have had a close bereavement in my family, my youngest sister died suddenly last year of maleria, she was living in Sierra Leone. I have been signposted to CRUISE but not done anything yet as I’m still unraveling my feelings about it all, but think I am scared to talk to anyone…

On top of that I ended up getting an MSSA infection and Sepsis last year which warranted the removal of my left femoral head. All things being said, these have added to my lack of capacity to cope with life and the SSRIs I am on just don’t seem enough.

So, my point of all of that rambling, and with the help of some counselling was for me to try and be present, almost acknowledge your feelings. When I feel anxiety, and being overwhelmed I try to remember things that help me to stabilise, such as lying down, breathing, listening to music, crying if needs be, but I struggle to do so…

Ultimately you will know yourself best, what works and what doesn’t work, and that can include stuff that works for other people. Be kind to yourself, there are no ‘shoulds’ in life, do what you can, when you can, and try not to beat yourself up for finding things tough that you didn’t before.

I realise that this is a lot of waffle but I hope it helps, big hugs!

It’s a horrible condition that seems to affect everyone differently. I have a book called Mind over Mood which has some exercise in that helped. I’ve had it over 20 years so is probably old hat by now but whatever works

Hi TJ,

Thought you might find this useful. (If he’s good enough for the British Olympic Cycling Team……

tjagain

Again reasonable to be a bit apprehensive of the answers I might get, unreasonable to be in a trembling panic about it

I don’t think I suffer from anxiety and if I am honest, struggle to relate to a lot of these anxiety/depression threads on here.
But, looking at your post – I don’t think it is unreasonable to be in a trembling panic about the answers you might get. Don’t beat yourself up, belittle your emotions or consider these things trivial.

Do you think it would help to take something with you when you do go out into a restaurant? Magazine, or a book? Something that might serve as a distraction/prop/support? Just an idea.
And how about starting off small – go to a cafe, just for a coffee & bit of cake. No expectation to stay, less pressure in that sort of environment. Take a paper, sit by the window & watch the world go by. Free to get up & leave when you want as you don’t have to wait for the bill.

Sorry I don’t have a proper answer, but that’s the sort of thing I could imagine myself doing.

I’ve been on Citolopram for 5 years now and I know for some it doesn’t work but for me it has. Which is weird, because I was on it for 2 years 12 years ago and I swear it did nothing.

I’ve also had CBT and private counselling.

All those things I can recommend highly – they really helped/are helping.

My biggest issue is catastrophising. It’s really tough to beat. There have been times when I seen we’ve had a handful of membership cancellations and by the end of the day I’m convinced it’s all finally crumbling. That’s when the CBT helps. I had a minor attack in the bath last week. I looked around the room to find 5 blue things and 3 yellow things – and it helped. Classic CBT. Try to rationalise and if that’s not enough, distract.

Those things aside the greatest forward steps I’ve personally taken is in taking up new hobbies (distractions) that are really hard. I drum everyday. I skateboard twice a week (Which is so amazing and yet so utterly ridiculous for a 51 year old to decide to start doing). I play other musical instruments. All for myself. No bands. Just me in my private space playing and learning. The point is that each of those things I find so hard that they take 100% of my focus and attention while I’m doing them. During this time my brain shuts out all the anxious thoughts because it’s either trying to coordinate four limbs on a drum kit or it’s trying to survive not falling off a small plank of wood on tiny wheels. This differs from riding a bike for me, which is something that is now so ingrained that when I do it I often don’t need to commit 100% of my brain to it and sometimes the anxiety creeps in the gaps. I still love riding but having something else that is much harder to do is the break strategy I need.

None of these things are cures – not even the drugs. They are all strategies and for me a combination of all of them works to help me keep anxiety in check.

I spoke to my wife about the drug and said I wonder if now is time to start thinking about coming off. Her response: “Why do that if it’s making you feel better?”

I never leave home without these in my bag. I’ve got a pack in front of me now.

I thought those took a week or so to come into effect, so maybe its just a placebo effect thats working for you.

TJ, my condolences.

I’m know from other posts that it’s been a tough couple of years and CBT is a help but it won’t get to the root, which is where the talking therapies come in.

If you can afford it go privately through the Counselling Directory or similar. You don’t need to be face-to-face with a counsellor, online is perfectly good and you’ll avoid Edinburgh prices 🙂
Best wishes

but it’s been recently linked to my neurodivergence and I now have diagnoses of autism, ADHD and Mixed Anxiety and Depression.

Im not officially diagnosed but I clearly have autistic traits and a touch of ADHD  IIRC these often come with anxiety and depression.

And how about starting off small – go to a cafe, just for a coffee & bit of cake. No expectation to stay, less pressure in that sort of environment. Take a paper, sit by the window & watch the world go by. Free to get up & leave when you want as you don’t have to wait for the bill.

Now there is a weird one – I can do that no issue and go every week or two.  I wonder if its because going to a restaurant for a posh meal was something Julie and I enjoyed together and going to the cafe for brunch is something I started for myself to give a new routine / thingy

I don’t think it is unreasonable to be in a trembling panic about the answers you might get. Don’t beat yourself up, belittle your emotions or consider these things trivial.

Its reasonable to be a bit anxious but to be in an almost full blown panic?  disproportinate

Those things aside the greatest forward steps I’ve personally taken is in taking up new hobbies (distractions) that are really hard. I drum everyday. I skateboard twice a week

Hmmm – thats a good idea.  I am not sure taking up skateboarding at 62 is a good idea and I am totally unmusical but perhaps something down those lines would be a help.  Having retired I do have a lot of time onmy hands.

A question to those of you that live with this stuff.  Face the fear ie make a reservation in a restaurant and then I have to go?

Timba – I have had some counselling and am on a waiting list for more.  the CBT techniques are what I have used myself to reset my thinking and its been a huge help  I can’t do telephones – never have been happy using them and without face to face its too easy for me tomisread stuff – same as I misread stuff in text debate on here 🙂

Its all perhaps compounded by tthe fact this was my professional world and I was good at working with folk with grief and thus sort of know what to do but I was never good at working with folk with anxiety and depression and don’t know what to do.

Hmmm – a lot to unpick here chaps – ta very much.

A question to those of you that live with this stuff. Face the fear ie make a reservation in a restaurant and then I have to go?

In all honesty, no don’t do it at the moment. Start doing things that make you feel happy, enjoy yourself and get the serotonin and dopamine up. Don’t challenge yourself when you aren’t ready for it. It could make things worse.
If going to a cafe works for you, do that. A restaurant is a very different environment and you associate that with Mrs TJ which is why it’s probably a trigger for you. Get the help and speak to someone, don’t force yourself into something that will make you unhappy.
The restaurants will still be there for when you’re ready

+1 on the propanalol for situational anxiety. For that purpose it kicks in from about 20 minutes and calms the body’s reaction to the brain wobble. That at least stops both sides bouncing off each other to multiply the problem, there’s always a strip in my man bag or washbag.

Bike rides help, we all lived vicariously through you on your big trip, where you can work things through and organise your thoughts, but for this you want the dangerous sort down sketchy slopes and just missing trees where even for a few minutes so everything else but staying upright and avoiding A&E is put out of your head. I guess that’s where the skateboarding works for some, and immersive frantic videogames for others.

[Hugs]

TJ – how about you book an expensive restaurant for the both of us? At least that way you’ll not be alone. I’ll pop along, scoff the food, then bugger off, leaving you there.

When you down this way next?  Got loads to choose from.  How many michelin stars?

I learned to deal with moments of hightened anxiety by taking it as a signal for me to ‘do something’. That usually involved one or more of – going for a walk, picking up a guitar if nearby, putting some music on, messaging a friend, making plans, making something nice to eat, etc. just simple easy activities, and usually it releives the anxiety. Before that I would just let the anxious feelings mount up and not really know what to do or know why I was feeling that way… which made me more anxious..

In terms of facing your fears, this is in essence exposure therapy, and used in CBT to help breaks the cycle between thoughts, feelings and behaviour that something terrible is going to happen if you do, or don’t do something.

One thing to bear in mind, is that CBT in its standard form is not suitable for neurodivergents, particularly autistics (I’m not so sure about ADHD) as it endeavours to change the person you intrinsically are.

If we think of anxiety as a stress reflex to either an environment or situation, it’s not unreasonable to imagine that in your case heightened anxiety, perhaps experienced in a different way because of neurodivergence, can be triggered by an activity that you enjoyed with your wife, eating in restaurants.

By simply visiting restaurants, I would suggest that you wouldn’t actually help the underlying anxiety, as this is perhaps linked to you grief, and rightly so. In my experience I think I am going to have to properly go through the grief cycle, to the point where I can be open about my emotions and actually cry.

It might be worth thinking about exploring your neurodivergence further. It may provide an insight into how your anxiety presents and how you can work with your mind and other elements to both manage and release these stress functions, without any societal preconceptions about what we should or shouldn’t think, do or feel…

My journey is fairly well documented here, and after some very successful CBT – initially for fear of flying but then diagnosed as Intorlerance of Uncertainty and Perfectionism couple with a fear of falling. However time / the pandemic has seen me relapse into old habits and I’m now on my 2nd round of CBT based counselling. In a timely manner, I’ve learned from the second series of sessions two things I’d recommended for TJ

a) Don’t self diagnose. The very issues that you could be having e.g. “What ifs” or “Catastrophic thinking” could empower or divert a diagnosis to an incorrect one.

b) Anxiety as we know stems from Fight, freeze or Fight but with exponentially more things for worry potential today than our caveman ancestors. Easy to say yet not to do as above try not to continue to deny the activity – this leads to an overthinking / anxiety spiral / avoidance traits.

I will just add an example to illustrate how. This was asked of me by my councillor. This week I was a Center Parcs with the family. I’d not normally go down the water slides (tubes) because:

i) I can’t swim, and would worry what’d happen (intolerance of uncertainty)
ii) I’ve no idea how fast it is / scared I’d be (intolerance of uncertainty)
iii) I’m worried about looking like an idiot should I panic (what if/perfectionism)
iv) what if I drown / something bad happens (what if / catastrophising).

Now, my councillor encouraged me to try the two easiest slides as a 2-up with the kids with the hook that “the kids will value your shared experience”. I didnt research it on YouTube, I walked up with them 5-10 times throughout the day and jumped on the inflatable – it was a barrel of laughs, and I’m still alive!

I decided to push the boat further and do the solo “Twister”. Basically from 3 floors up launch yourself down a bobsleigh type enclosed tube with arms across my chest. Again, I just jumped in despite the fact my mind started to race I blocked it out with a “No” and jumped in. Man it was fast! I got scared and out of control half way down but there was nothing I could do, it was so fast I couldn’t comprehend the speed the corners were coming at me. But guess what, I exited with a splash to cheers from my family and a feeling of euphoria and have had a very different week with my children as a result.

So basically I wrote that TJ to show you that with the right direction you can overcome theses things but as SoY says take your time and don’t overwhelm yourself – that will make it worse. Get the counselling, don’t self diagnose and see the CBT tools as a Kitbag of tools – and don’t stop using that kitbag. Here’s a useful page I refer to often especially the cognitive dissonance list, I use it to identify my behaviour and redirect my thinking:

https://positivepsychology.com/cbt-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-techniques-worksheets/

Oh and by the way however long this takes and which activities you pursue, it’s OK to fail, just keep trying you may surprise yourself one day – as I did on the Twister this week.

Best wishes!