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I just cant accept loosing my family (i know the relationship is over and cant be reconsiled but i still love her
Its only been a short time, and this is going to take ages to get over, give yourself permission to be greif stricken, it's not a character flaw to be sad over an era that's passing. BUT recognise that you're moving to a different place (metophorically and physically) and that's not going to be worse, just different.
BUT recognise that you’re moving to a different place (metophorically and physically) and that’s not going to be worse, just different.
But that's just it, ex and son have been all my life for the past 15years. I'm struggling to see anything but negatives.
In 2006 my then wife turned round to me admitted “having feelings” for someone else, and within 2-3weeks she made it so uncomfortable to live with her (violence was involved) I made the sensible decision to move out. After having owned my own properties since the age of nineteen I drove away with a car load of gear, and leaving my 6 and 9yr old kids behind and a family home that I was I longer welcome. The biggest thing that hurt was that I couldn’t see my kids everyday due to the actions of two other people. Time moves on though and those children are now 20 and 23yrs, and I have two more children 6 and 9yrs to keep me busy. Honestly speaking you have got an emotional time ahead of you, but time definitely heals and guaranteed you will be in a much better place in 6-12months time.
Tips,
Avoid costly solicitors time and try and agree things between yourself.
Ignore comments like “the escape bag” I had the same which did wind me up, especially as she was the aggressive one
Avoid getting too emotional in front of your ex, you’ll only regret it
Take comfort in the time you spend with your kids, they’re the ones that will pull you through the dark times.
Agree on a full and final financial settlement
But that’s just it, ex and son have been all my life for the past 15years. I’m struggling to see anything but negatives.
i can imagine. It will be a real seesaw of emotion, whilst you ride it out. It will take some time to get distance and perspective. Unfortunately there is one way to get this - live through it. Take care and keep posting.
sumo - I posted on your previous thread and have stayed out of this until now.
I have direct personal experience, 3 children all of whom are now adults and 17 years after divorce enough distance to give me a proper sense of perspective.
GP or counsellor would describe emotions during/after relationship breakdown as being comparable with bereavement.
Fine words on either side are meaningless; you need a solicitor to protect your best interests and those of your son. Any 'agreement' made between yourselves will need to be very carefully drafted for it to carry any weight.
You refer to multiple properties and pension; you absolutely need a solicitor to ensure your interest are fully protected and you do not leave yourself exposed to any future action. Any advice to not use a solicitor is bad advice.
You must find a way to let go; I had problems managing the feelings of emotional and personal rejection. See your GP for a referral to help with this. Self-help through drink (my recourse, initially), drugs or anything else don't work.
Don't use work or other activities to mask your feelings; accept them for what they are and use every available resource to manage them.
Never, ever use your son as a pawnor bargaining chip.
Your focus must be on yourself first, then your son; if you're not taking action to sort yourself, you're no use to your son.
Do not get drawn into any discussions which move towards emotional blackmail; at the first sign, walk out.
It's anything but easy; you have my full sympathy and support.
You say you don't have many friends; was the same with me at the time - people either take sides or walk away.
Be strong for yourself and your son.
My thoughts are with you.
Take care of yourself.
Thanks everyone.
Am waiting for an assessment from insight (gp referred counciling).
I dont really want to drag financial details through this thread but have had advice and read lots of guidance. She will come out better than me but thats because she put more deposits/ lump sums in and looked after son with flexable work while i had the stablefull time job. This point erks me a little bit as she is seen as the one that gave up the most when i stayed in the stressfull poor job that the mortgages were based on, but thats how it goes.
Mortgages are sorted and ready to go with the broker and just need to find the right place, broker say i could complete in 5 weeks. Wont be mortgae free in 5years like what was planning but will be ok.
I've arranged some more viewings, the ideal house seller is not replying to agent but got another one to look at today.
Sometimes its hard being in the house talking like nothing gas happend. I've been very upset for few days struggling to stop bloddy crying. I had to explain that she has prepared for this then just kicked me off a cliff to sort myself out.
Trying very hard to not lay blame, argue or tit for tat. It wont get us anywhere.
All in all this is as an amicable split as it can get, i'm just struggling to cope emotionally and mentally. Yesterday at work was horrid
Am out with a friend tonight and feel pretty good this morning, plan to do some work and go to the gym, need to start exercising again.
Some things move fast, looked at a house yesterday not big and swish like our current one but a normalish semi. Looked ok, was close enough for son to bike/ scoot to when he wants and is plenty big enough for just me.
Made an offer and its accepted. Ex not that impressed i think she was expecting something closer (not in a nasty way) but other houses were 30k more and needed loads of work doing to them. This way i'm fairly financally stable for a bit and wont have a mortgage till im 67.
Went out with a friend last night forgotten how much i hated the dating game, thats not what we were out to do it just reminded me.
So today is a mixed bag of emotions, got my own place to focus on and move onto whilst i still really miss the companionship of my ex. Just being able to talk and hug someone throughout the day. I'm still realy sad it ended, that i became the way i had and we couldn't work it out.
We are telling Son today, i think he'll be ok.
I must thank everyone on here it's been really tough and at times i didn't think i could cope/ make it through. I couldn't have got this far without your help.
I’m in the same boat as you although it was my choice as I’m done, it still consumes my every waking thought though, can’t wait until it changes from happening to happened
Good luck
Just told son, natrally he was upset but we reassured him he will still see alot of us and he can come and go as he pleases.
Was more grumpy at ex saying it was a joint decision to split, it bloody wasn't but there you go.
sumoname.... tell nearest and dearest is always gonna be difficult. I told my parents about my split last week ..it was really difficult to see them genuinely shocked.
After we told my son (14yo)a few weeks ago.. he'd drawn up a timetable of when he was going to stay a few hours after we told him ! he was showing me an Xbox he'd seen on ebay for the new place!.
Deserter: its the hppened bit that worries me, being alone after being so long. When to move on, how to move on, dating has changed in the last 15 years.
Still get upset and sad, though get annoyed at myself for worrying about daft things like, How not to be alone at christmas (we usually go on family holiday at christmas).
When to be intimate with someone else, how soon after the break up is too soon? why am i even worrying about this?
Son has been great, like above planning where to have his playstaion was bigger concern.
Your maybe in a different place to me due to your circumstances, I’m terrified of getting involved with someone else and want to spend a chunk of time on my own, lots of red flags have come up in my counselling that if I’m honest with myself I knew they were there but didn’t want to admit it
Due to what’s been going on for a very long time I don’t trust my own mind anymore and a wall has built up, I’m no way ready to love myself enough to then love someone else
I need to get to happened to start to rebuild again
You seem to be doing better than me with the logistics as everything I suggest is an insult so far so handing it over to the professionals
Keep your chin up please I know it gets dark down there
In some ways am similar, have realised that i have not been 100% mentaly for some time, but at least now i recognised that and trying to work my way through it.
I dont want to fall into the routine of isolation and sitting alone feeling sorry for myself.
I want company and to be in relationship again at some point. How i get there and how long it will take is completly unknown but thats to be expected.
When previous relationships have ended i just cut of contact from them but didn't date for a year. I can't cut off contact as we have a son together, so it will be hard to manage when ex has moved on.
We are have a very amicable split and it is going very well, both trying to be grownups abouts it and not turn it into a slagging match.
I think am over the darkest nights ffor a bit. Now need to focus on work, new house and making it place for son to stay.
Look after yourself and this place is very supportive, it's certainly helped me so far.
Just to cheer you up, you could be me:
Ex was (now I can see clearly) a manipulative controlling narcissist and she's used her well-honed skills to turn my 2 teenage lads against me. They're old enough in the eyes of the law to judge for themselves and as a dad I have zero ability to challenge that.
It'll soon be 2 years since I've heard from them. The only update I get is when I ring the school to ask about their welfare.
The judge fell for her lies about her lack of earning potential. She's now doing extremely well having secured a nice salary from me and a full time position too.
On the flip-side, I'm enjoying the extra time I have through not seeing the boys on the bike/surfboard and with my lovely girlfriend. I hope the boys see sense one day, but I can't influence that so i just need to get on and live the best life I can.
Has left me very bitter tho'.
Onwards and upwards!
So sorry to hear that above, must be heartbreaking
It is.
Yeah feel for you mikertroid sounds awful.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be Mikertroid.
Glad you are having some happier times now.
So just had to sit in bed with son crying cause he's sad and doesn't want us to split up.
Not the best of times.
I can't proffer to be any expert in the matter as my situation went so pear-shaped, but give him a hug and reassure him you'll always be there for him.
Thanks folks. Every day is a struggle, but I do give myself a daily talking to!!
Another really tough day with just feeling lonely and isolated. I just cant shake off this black cloud.
You can and will get through this.
I know you're going through a shit time; there is no point dressing it up.
If you haven't been to your GP - do it now; be honest about circumstances and how you feel.
Initial options they will likely offer are on-line CBT or a 'talking' therapy.
Look up Meet-Ups in your area as a way of getting involved in some social activities to break what feels like a cycle of loneliness and isolation.
Could you just cash in the pension and include it in the capital you divide up then start again? When I left a job in the UK I realised I'd probably never retire there so cashed the pension in.
Another really tough day with just feeling lonely and isolated. I just cant shake off this black cloud.
One thing that helped me when in a similar situation, i.e. the wife deciding it was over not me and feeling I'd lost all control over my life was thinking that the feelings were entirely normal given the situation. I was reacting to events and that as time passed it would have less effect. I've friends with depression and I realised that that wasn't what I was suffering from, it was if you like grief. Thinking that it was a normal process that would always leave a sadness and a loss but would ultimately not be something that I thought of every day really helped.
I always knew even when things were at their worst that one day I would be better. The difficulty is that you have to accept that even though you can't feel it. You won't now necessarily feel that things will ever be better but you know they will if . Just look at all those here who have been through this, I don't suppose any of them ever felt things would get better but they do. Don't worry that you can't feel it but remind yourself that you know it.
Deserter: its the hppened bit that worries me, being alone after being so long. When to move on, how to move on, dating has changed in the last 15 years.
Know this: worrying about what may or may happen doesn't change anything, things may or may not happen whether you worry about them or not.
I don't know how much of this I've already said so apologies if I'm repeating myself. My wife left me, abruptly, in 2017. It was a bolt out of the blue, I came home one day and she wasn't there. She ended a 10+ year relationship by email, which I didn't see for hours. I was ringing up local hospitals and her work to try and find out WTF had happened.
I was in a very dark place for six months or so, personal hygiene and self-care went out of the window, the only time I left the house was to go to work or buy food. The first time I braved the outside world was to go watch a mate's band play in a pub, which culminated in me having a breakdown on the front doorstep of another mate's house at 2am.
After that, things started to get better. I guess I'm a bit of a pressure-cooker emotionally, I needed that release before I could begin to try and move on. I started seeing friends again, I developed an escape room habit which meant that I could go out without any expectations to 'talk' or otherwise perform, and meant that it was something I couldn't panic about and bail on at the 11th hour because I'd committed to something.
I learned to enjoy the freedom. I'm actually quite happy in my own company - something someone else said earlier about being 'smothered' struck a chord with me, I'd never have described it as such but my entire life previously revolved around other people, either working or essentially being a carer. I'd feel horrendously guilty about taking time for myself, I've said this a few times before now but it was actually her who practically ordered me to see friends or do something on my own because "if you fall over you're no help to anyone else."
I went on holiday. I went to America, on my own, because I could. I have a few friends over there, some of whom I've known for 20 years and never met in person, so I did a bit of a road trip. In a small act of rebellion, because my ex always had to have a meticulous Plan A, Plan B and Plan C, I planned nothing. The day I landed, I sat in the airport carpark with Google Maps trying to work out which city I was going to stay in that night. (Indianapolis, if you're wondering. It was lovely.) On the trip I made new friends, met a bloke from my home town (two random blokes from Accy who'd never met before sitting in a bar in Chicago was kinda surreal). And it was liberating.
Dating wise, I'd promptly resigned myself that at forty-mumble years of age I was probably now going to die alone and bitter. But even with that I realised, this afforded me a degree of freedom, and I accepted my fate. I didn't have to date, I could take a holiday without having it to be a mutual decision (which previously was usually her wanting to go somewhere and me nodding and smiling whilst quietly crying about the state of my bank account). I could perfectly innocently talk to girls in bars (which in the US is really easy, just open your mouth and be English) without it being weird, without someone thinking I had ulterior motives, without any baseless jealousy. I realised, I didn't actually want to be dating, I couldn't even be arsed to install Tinder and go looking for a mucky fumble.
Then one day I got a message from someone I'd (re-)met on a school reunion a few months previous, asking if I wanted to go for a drink sometime. I agreed, with the cards-on-the-table caveat right up front and centre that the absolute last thing I was looking for right now was anything that even remotely resembled a "relationship." I'd just got my life back, I wasn't prepared to forfeit it again.
... and we've been together for maybe 18 months now. It's opened my eyes to the idea that a relationship doesn't have to mean that you're 24/7 in each others' pockets or else something is wrong. I've learned that it's cool (and indeed vital for me) to have "me time," whether that's evenings watching shit TV when she's not here or spending half an hour of an evening with headphones on listening to a podcast whilst I'm cooking. I am, I cautiously almost dare to say, happy. She's kind, affectionate, clever, interesting, fun, and smoking hot (and I am definitely punching above my weight, yes).
So I think what I'm trying to say with all this bollocks is, don't sweat about "when" you should start dating, it's absolutely the last thing you should be worrying about right now and any rebound 'relationship' you could possibly blindly stumble into for any other reason than a desperate need to empty your bag will almost certainly be disastrous. The healing process will take time. It might take a long time. But you'll know when you're ready and until then, y'know, it's cool not to.
Sorry to read about this, I think your reaction is completely normal. I wouldn't worry about being lonely and isolated in the short term, its a q normal reaction. Maybe start writing things down as a log so you can refer back to them. Also, focus on doing things that really excite you but take small steps.
You will certainly find out who your friends are. 2 of my friends are in similar circumstances, i think i have heard more truth written above than i have heard from so called friends.
Keep well and look after yourself
Thanks every, been a bit of a week two steps forward one back, have been OK most of the week then a complete melt down wed/ thurs. Better again today.
House purchase is trundling along and started making a list of things i need, everything basically.
Had a week off pain killers but have got through a bottle of southern comfort in a week (no more buying that!). Not touched it since wednesday.
No chance of rebuilding relationship, it is the most amicable split you could want. It dose feel very well timed and planned but it's not worth the arguments and mud slinging.
Some mates at work have been very kind and friends being helpfull and meeting up.
Was supposed to be with son tonight as ex is out, he sneakily arranged a sleepover so rather than sit on my own all night am off to a meet up. Need the practice talking to strangers. Driving, not drinking though and might actually ride a bike tomorrow.
Today am not too bad, sad yes. But starting to look forward to place on my own.
So last night had potential to be a very rough night, ex on night out and son at a sleep over leaving me in the house i have to leave and all alone.
Thankfully i was feeling ok yesterday.
I put my name down for a meetup in nottingham, drove in found the place and took the big step (for me) going into a room of strangers. I'm starting to like meet ups as everyone is there to talk and meet strangers, not on the pull.
Talking to a few guys and the same story came up, "split up from the mrs, and realised all social life was with her" how do you make friends in 40's, 50's etc. I evenn talked to some women which i didnt on the last one.
So a good night chatting to strangers trying learn small talk, ask aabout them dont drone on about yourself. Found not too bad with that, didnt dance infront of strangers though as was sober and driving, baby steps.
Home for about 11:30 sleep at 1:30 up at 6:30. So not too bad, seem to have a cough that keeps me awake at the min.
Got nearly a full day alone again, as after sleep over ex taking son shopping then to playdate at a friends. So got to keep sane today.
Play go to gym, i've got to knock the garage down befor i go (i'd already started it). The might try for actual bike ride this afternoon.
Still got background feeling of lonleyness and wondering how to cope and move on but at least at the min i seem to be able to force myself to to other things.
I think this is definatley going to take time, the counciling referral has never got back to me which is a shame i might see if i can chase that up.
Where are you geographically, out of interest? Might find a riding buddy or three on here perhaps, if it'd help?
Don’t give up trying to get counseling, I’ve been doing it and it’s helped beyond belief, I just paid for it rather than Wait
A bit of a low today, house feels uncomfortable and last night found my valentines present for her on my bed side set of draws.
Son in a grump "cause Dad's only got three weeks till he has to move out".
I really nedd to get my arse in gear with work as well, got through a quality audit last week (somehow) but need to catch up on other stuff.
Ridings a prob at the min, there's no where to put a muddy bike, thats been an issue with this house. Hopefully in a few weeks will have a garage to chuck them in.
Seriously don't worry about dating in your 40s/50s. If you can string a sentence together and iron a shirt you will be fine.
I was with my wife for 20 years and it was a real shock when she left. Lovely person and I was totally gutted to lose her. You worry about everything, but it passes. I have to be honest it took a long time for me to feel better but I do. I have a great life now, I have done lots of things I would not have done had I still be married. Is it better, I am not sure. I prefer to think of it as just different.
I felt really down, but I think we need to be careful to conflate that with mental illness. You are down because something bad has happened, that't a normal reaction. It will pass.
Its hard I know but I think the biggest mistake I made with my ex was not being the person she loved. I fell apart and that was so not like me its unbelievable. I wish I had been able to at least give the impression I was not a mess and be the person she knew 🙂
@bazzer what you have written is exactly what I experienced and your outlook on it now exactly what mine is.
Yeah i think the dating worry was more a reaction to the split and wondering how to cope without company.
Before the split i was down, withdrawn and fell out of regular exercise and riding that i normally did. Docs said signs if depression and it explained a bit.
Am look forward to own place and trying not to be bitter and angry about the situation and outcome (who has come out if it better) it wont help anyone.
Been on bit of a relationship wobbler at the moment, no kids which makes it less complicated but no easier. Made extra effort to eat well and get out on the bike or running and avoided all alcohol for a while to avoid getting on a downer. Get up one more time than your knocked down and life’s a winner. Best of luck.
Been a few days since i last posted, insite have finally contacted and earliest assessment oppointment is april some time. If i get in my house by/ before then will have to go private locally just to help/ support with the change.
This week has been another big step for me, no drink, started excercising regularly again and slowly pulling my finger out and trying to catch up with work thats slipped while i've wallowed.
Was supposed to got to a meetup last night but was cancelled so had night on my own. Frist full day/ night on my own since the split. Actually enjoyed a chill afernoon nipped to shop for pie, watched a movie the bed.
Am bit fed up with no one to talk to now but pick son up from scouts soon.
On the whole feeling positive, still a long way to go but baby steps etc.
Great to hear you sounding more positive about things 👍
I am glad you have had soMe positive times OP!
Thought i'd check in and vent a little bit.
Timing is everything in comedy though not laughing.
House move has stalled and in isolation with ex and son for next god knows how many weeks, we are being civil but little digs and anoyances happen. Last night went to bed at 6:30 just to get out of the way.
Feels like am definatley in someone elses house now, thankfully am mentally stronger than a month ago (no longer want to do anything stupid) but am getting through the whiskey at a worrying rate.
I had started socialising and going out, now lockdown has isolated me again. Will get there just keep picturing a beer in my back garden in the sun but its not easy.
Have finally moved. Setting up a house in lockdown is a pain. Sleepng on old duvets on the floor but that's not too bad.
Having a bad evening/ night. Work is really difficult, feel I'm not doing my best and that career is getting away from me. Added to that moving just after start if month has made money a bit tight now for some weeks.
First night struggling on my own, Son came over Sat night on his camp bed.
I don't know, life seems to have slipped past me and feel a bit worthless at the minute.
Having not been on STW forum for years and having different challenges with my marriage and career and being awake in the wee small hours I read the this chat carefully.
My situation is different, 20 years in marriage - far from perfect and think I found someone else special (don't judge, I wasn't looking and that is a separate story), then lockdown happens and I'm one side of the country, she is the other wise. Two months later the home relationship is far from better, work is hugely stressful and I'm trying to not loose my job through up coming redundancies (ironic given I do digital consulting - the future of post COVID work) and I need to make a decision which will be the biggest change to my life after marriage and children.
It was the moving out, being brave, being alone, but not loosing connections with my children that's been most on my mind. Also for someone who's life involves way too much drinking with work travel, I am aware of the danger that drink will mean I will slip into a very dark place.
@Sumoname, I feel for you and it's brave for you to post what is happening. I wish you all the best. A lot of people feel life slipping by, or even go through life without realising it is. My tactic so far is to make small steps and look for small positives - and I know when I eventually take a similar step to you it will be a journey with hard days and nights, but something many others have done and have got through eventually
OP apart from talking to us have you managed to secure some counselling through your GP? A bit of talking to a neutral third party in the same room may well help get your head a bit straighter. Good luck.
I believe that you need to end the relationship as soon as you realize that it no longer brings you joy and doesn't motivate you. It's easy to say, but learning how to understand yourself and do it the way you feel is very difficult.
How are you getting on op?
I’m stuck in limbo, got laid off in April and ex won’t work even if she can find something so I can’t move out unfortunately, I’ve tried getting a deal through various ways but think she’s scared of leaving money on the table so what I thought could get done amicably looks like going the lawyer route as you can’t deal with someone who won’t negotiate I suppose, so looking forward to the time this is in the past
On a positive note just to get out of the house I’ve done lots of cycling so lost lots of weight, also cut down on drinking as a matter of principle since the split
Must be awful for those of you dealing with separation, or unable to separate, during this lockdown period.
Keep posting up, lots of good experience and advice on here.