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Hi all, bit of an update.
So as previously stated moved in May full lockdown everything in the back of a car, fortunately I didn't have much to move.
Planned deliveries for first week, beds, fridge, washer.
So two months in, some days are harder than other, as having to use holidays up sometimes am on my own for days. Think it was three days without talking to anyone last week.
So today ex come over to pick son up, bit strange, then says. That friend you recon likes me, you're right moved in last night!.
This "friend" built our extension 5 years ago and regularly come round in the day for "drink and chat".
She protests innocence and that nothing happend while we were together but find it hard to believe. The same week I moved out he brought son a wardrobe round.
Fair to say I handled it as you would expect with some swearing. So went to work (still on hol) and chatted to mate there then text another (only non work mate) for drink tonight.
To be clear it's not someone moving in that bothers me, it's a bit soon after 15 years but hey ho, it's that it's the bloke who's been round the house for years.
Worse is think son knew last night and didn't know what to do.
So back to feeling shitty and worthless but nowhere near as bad as before.
Have gone on the dating apps and had some chats and dates just to see where I am and not talk to an 11yr old. One was great we talked whilst walking the dog and both were honest about past relationships and using the app. The other no so well in person mainly letting her dog walk around the beer garden unchecked and making references to having kids.
Don't think full relationship is what am after but not a FB either, so some pondering there.
Finally cracked at work had a very Frank chat with the director of the department and kicked off about a few things... Errrm I might have a good chance of being head of department by Sep.
Am super cautious about it though as don't want to loose the friends I have in the team (we have talked about this already, asking to do things they're unhappy with) and will be getting close to higher tax band taking everything into account.
Just to note being amicable is the best for the kids and worked very well untill today, we even split a caravan hol last week.
It's not easy though and lots of younger biting is needed. But it needs both of you to do it.
I'm very lucky in some ways that it has gone so well.
Apart from pointing out the financial advisor got his sums wrong an I was owed another £10k
‘Tongue’ biting ?
I remember this thread from a while back. Glad to hear your getting on better.
And respect for talking about something so personal, I’m sure it will help others to see the journey you are making back to living life.
So - good news on the work front, well done and that helps make life a bit easier in other respects.
Good news that you've remained amicable to this point - shows that you can both put the needs of your son first and makes it easier going forward. I can promise you, it isn't luck, it's a credit to you (and your ex) that you can swallow your emotions and keep a lid on things. I've failed a few times, but my ex knows to ignore me when I have a rant 😉
Whilst it obviously hurts that your ex is with someone else, see if you can accept at face value that this didn't cause your split. And even if it did, it's in the past and you have to keep looking forward, doing your best for you and the boy. Don't beat yourself up about it, other peoples choices might define them but they don't define you.
Cheers, like i said it's the who rather than timing but i'll get over that. Living in the same village no so usfull, just wish i had a few more friends to fall back on was starting to use meetup but all that went with lock down.
Anyway am in a much better place than earlier, am going for a group ride now not hitting the booze and pain killers. Thats a win for me.
‘Tongue’ biting ?
Bloody auto correct😅
Yeah staying off the booze really helps, I was drinking lots but now only once a week and feel much better mentally for it
Good to hear that you're coming through this
Good news, keep moving forward op.
Where are you geographically? You probably have other STWers in hoying distance who will drag your arse out on a ride.
She protests innocence and that nothing happend while we were together but find it hard to believe.
On the one hand this is almost certainly bollocks.
On the other, the past is the past. You can't change it, it's over and done with and no good will come of dwelling on it. The sooner you can file this nagging train of thought under "don't care" the faster your life will get better.
You can’t change it, it’s over and done with and no good will come of dwelling on it. The sooner you can file this nagging train of thought under “don’t care” the faster your life will get better.
Definatley, not fully there yet but miles better than a few months ago. Had a good ride with a group last night, drink afterwards all good. Friend is comming round today but goes away for a month with work, fortunatley i'll be back at work soon.
The thing that really niggles was the constant comments from her about sorting stuff (deeds of trust etc) incase i run off with a younger model. The above needs to be applied to that but still grates a bit.
One thing is I am far better off now than before the split, mentally, health wise and financially.
Good and bad days, today is a low.
S@#ty week and sat alone again drinking.
At least I know it's for one night.
Just happened to bump into ex and son today got a hug from him, always awesome. Pleased I did rip her head off, yay me.
Sometimes I feel like a silly teenager eg this song, bloody stupid dust.
Others going through this have my sympathy it's bloody tough.
I’m so much better off mentally and have stopped drinking, I’m stuck in purgatory though as I can’t get her to negotiate, can’t wait to move out
Keep your chin up but honestly knock the booze on the head it really messes with your mood the next day
Pleased I did rip her head off, yay me.
I do hope that's a typo.
deserter ^^^ has it - booze combined with failed relationship is not a good mix; solo drinking when your emotions are all over the place is bad and almost guaranteed to make a bad situation worse.
Who ever said self medication was a solution was a liar and complete trucking idiot.
I have no useful advice @sumoname except to say I'm still up, reading this and rooting for you. If your ex-missis is still also putting the needs of the kids first still, well that's a bonus, you should give her a moderate credit for that, could be so much worse.
And what Cougar said about reaching out to other forumites on here, its good advice. A bike ride, a beer - who couldn't use more mates who are up for that.
Sorry everyone,
First time in a good two months just sat and got a drunk and feeling sorry for myself.
Now up drinking litres of water and will prob go for walk to catch sun rise.
Was supposed to have gone on a ride last night but wind stopped play.
Pleased I did rip her head off, yay me.
</blockquoteI do hope that’s a typo.
Sorry typo should be "didn't", I was polite. Won't argue in front of Son. Have been in his position and it's not nice.
Thanks for the insight sumoname, it has been a help. We're currently helping with eldest child's marriage going phut last weekend. Child is fine (ish) the spouse is in pieces and we're his counselling and guidance as his parents are either unfit due to dementia or unable due to nursing dementia.
We're being strictly neutral and there are some substantial Chinese Walls in place.
Right an overdue update after the embarrassing drunken silliness of before.
So the booze has been cut right down some weeks just the one beer, am eating a lot better and generally feel OK.
I've started counselling again following a recommendation from someone off here the difference between the new councillor and the free work one is huge.
The therapy is centred around self worth and some tough questions have been asked, mainly "what makes you happy?" that took a week to answer. A few sessions in and not expecting miracles but i have quite big questions to mull over in the week which helps.
Me and the ex still on relatively good terms and sorting a settlement agreement to basically put in writing what we have already done.
I've been dating for a bit, first dates easy, second dates harder. This has actually helped in that relearning to interact with people and not be so withdrawn, though this seems to have backfired in 70's farcical comedy style and have a small number of interested parties (and not wanting to break rule #1).
Son is good though think he misses me more than lets on, work is crap and need to really think how this affects me. Though being honest at work and after telling some I've gone for counselling they have talked about when they went.
So at the min riding the high waiting for the crashing low, and hopeful to be better at riding it out.
Sounds like youve got some control of the situation, which is definitely a good thing!
Well done
Though being honest at work and after telling some I’ve gone for counselling they have talked about when they went.
When I was on meds and having counseling I was astonished how many friends and colleagues opened up about their own experience. Surprisingly common, turns out.
Looks like you’re putting the miles in on this situation. Good stuff mate. 👍🏼
Wife and I separated two years ago in June. I found and still do that going to the gym really helps. Had a few counselling sessions alpine similar issues to yourself and they really helped.
Living on my own with my kids coming over at weekends. Would probably drink if it wasn't for the gym acting as an outlet. The fact you're dating is impressive I can't face the idea of that, fills me with fear. Can only say things will get better, stick with the counselling. It helps.
Seems like you are making progress.
Based on personal experience, highs and lows will continue for years; it's all about how you manage them.
I've said it before but it bears repeating - booze is not your friend; once in a while it can be therapeutic but don't forget that it's more of a depressant than anything else - particularly if you're drinking solo. If you're going solo, (try to) stop it; it's incredibly damaging.
Set yourself small daily objectives; nothing too challenging but prove to yourself you have a focus. Every time you can tick a box it's a positive; the more often you tick that box the stronger you become - you are proving and reinforcing yourself.
Find what works for you - counselling, gym, cycling, reading...whatever but stick with it.
Be strong; you've got what it takes - you know you have.
Ok have given it a week to here.
Last week was low i knew a low was comming but was tough neverless, weekend just as bad.
Buying the ex birthday presents on behalf of son didn't help but he chose and i just had to order and pay.
Today again been really low, struggled and tired, then went to counciling after work.
Was a tough session said i just wanted to sleep and not wake up, talked a lot about depression and me going to the doctors, said i'm reluctant for medication and when i discussed it in Feb with the doctor they suggested counciling. They asked me to at least just talk to the doctor again.
Work is really a trigger, deep down i think i need to leave (education). But really dont want to because of the financial and flexibility benifits it has and dont think i have anything to transfer into.
On the flip side of that all i do is go to work the moape about not able to get myself to do anything.
Counciling has really helped but it's not easy for me. After an hour i'm totally drained for the rest of the night.
Irony on facebook over the weekend weekend with lots of "it's OK to not be OK" posts. It really doesn't feel like that at the min.
I feel like I should comment on this thread, although I have no idea what to say.
Sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you have things in place to help, but it must be hard at times.
It sounds like a change of career could be a good thing, but that it should be a longer term goal once you are one a more stable footing.
Other people on here are better placed than me to offer advice, but I wish you all the best.
I didn't want to go to the doctors or have meds. Glad I did - GP was great, accepted my concerns, put me on a very low dose of Citalopram.
Took a month to properly take effect, but woke up one morning feeling, well, ok. Just calmer. More in control. Less jittery. The constant chatter in my head was quieter.
Have me a chance to get my head straight with counseling and CBT, decide how I wanted to go forwards, and start taking steps.
Was on the meds longer than I expected - nearly two years, but so glad I did it.
Meds can be very helpful. Just remember it can take a bit of trial and error to find the right one and the right does.
They are not an answer in themselves but can help you to get rid of the worst of the negative thoughts which can give you "breathing space" to deal with your issues and to remind you what it feels like not to be sad all the time
IMO they should not be the first / default option but neither should you avoid them if needed as they can be very helpful
Thanks for the comments, all helpful.
Well started the antidepressants and now comming off them, the day after first pill side effects kicked in, two day migrain then all signs of life in the little fella disapeared.
Spoke to the doctor and we are going to start again on a much lower dose and take it from there. Review in 8 weeks.
Councilor is helping hoping the meds take the edge of anxiety issues that have been around for a long time.
The counciling really is going to be a long haul and at time feels like being broken down from back when i was a child to solve issues i kind out new had an effect on me but seem to have been cummulative. I feel better for trying to go through them but dont feel much progress (thats a lie it is helping but we seem to be looking further back at causes than i thought).
My counciling is all centred on self worth and i'm amased at some of the questions i can't answer "what makes you happy?" "when was the last time you were really happy?".
Work wise, we have a new boss who's younger (not nessesarily a problem as i get older it alsways going to happen) trying to establish his position in an older team and throwing his weight around without having the technical knowledge to back it up.
This adds to frustration with being looked over, having advice ignored and micromanaged on subjects i know more than him about. But trying not to get too grumpy and explosive about it. Stressing about work has always been a problem for me since apprentice days.
Welcome to the world of younger wannabe managers 🙄
Counselling can be tough, what you thought was the issue turns out to be a cover for the issue underneath. And it can take a while to get meds at the right dosage. Hang on in there, it may not feel like it but sounds like you are heading in the right direction.
Long overdue update.
Mentally I feel better than I have been in a long time. I'm happy in my house and able to cope on my own for a few days.
Christmas was not too bad and got to see son Christmas day. Am talking ok with the ex, no point wasting energy being moody towards her.
Am slowly getting back to normal work (used to do a bit before everyone got up) but actual day job is horrible.
New boss is overlooking me and giving new project(s) I've kind of done for years are being give to the new employee. Have requested a meeting to see if being managed out the business.
So just about a year on and slowly getting it back together.
Cheers for all the help, support and advice it's really appreciated.
Nice to hear you are doing better. its been a tough year for everyone without additional stressors
Cheers tjagain, had a quite frank chat with the bosses at work about how i feel i've been sidelined. To be fair it was gentlemanly bollocking both ways on my attitude to work latley (really couldn't be arsed before christmas and did the bare minimum) and there attitude and conduct.
They said things i dont agree with i said things they dont agree with. So draw a line under that for a bit, left me feeling a bit drained and shitty but i know thats me over thinking and taking thigs to heart to much (am working on this with theropist).
Trouble is do i explain that was prescribed anti depressants and diagnosed with some degree of depression back in october? (I teally think it was depression back then as came very close to a breakdown in one of me theropy sessions).
I’ve just read your last update. Generally I would say yes to telling work about your mental health and suffering from depression. The caveat is if they are generally not a sympathetic company or too small to have proper HR support. I would always want to know if someone in the business has a mental health challenge and how we can help them.