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but it’s whats best for the kid that matters.
Feel you you chap, I've been through this a s a child and as a parent, and I was determined that the experience I had when I was younger didn't happen to my kids. Like you and your missus, my relationship just sort of fizzled out, I don't think either of us could probably list the things we were unhappy about that caused the split, and we remain friends now. I moved out, to a smaller house, and just concentrated on my kids and rebuilding my life. I got lucky and sorted my self financially pretty quickly, but unlucky when my ex decided to move herself and my children 250 miles north to Newcastle, but after talking to her, I understood why and agreed it was the best thing for her and the kids. So for a long while I spent Friday and Sunday driving up and down the M1...
You sound like a organised sort, you'll survive, it might get a bit tight for a bit, but you'll get through that I'm sure. Give your children too many hugs and tell them too many times that it's not their fault and tell them too many times that you love them. If you want tips then some rules that seemed to work for us were:
Try not to argue in front of children, try not to lay blame on each other, and don't slag each other off to children. However you feel.
These things happen, it's shit but they do, and it's largely no-ones fault. Try not to resent each other's continued existence and happiness, remember if your ex is happy, then the kids largely will be as well.
Kids first, money second. I know sometimes that they're inextricably linked, but try to bear the kids in mind when sorting the money
That MGTOW stuff looks mad, quite frankly
Like others have said on here, happy for you to contact me, I'm in W Yorkshire, if you need a pint and I'm close
So just had a chat about money and houses, hard nof to feel done over and kicked out and it started getting ugly till we both backed off and calmed down. Got two viewings this week and some financial advice is being sorted this week.
Broke down at thought of not seeing son every day, i know the relationship is over but i still dont want to be.
Spoke to a mortgage advisor about agreement in principle, alot less than i thought.
Did think of the simpsons clip with all the ex husbands howling.
If i had any advice it would be to get legal advice. Not a mate, but priper legal advice. However it seems, it will get messy
Feel for you mate. Have been through this and out the other side, all of us considerably happier than before. Hope this is the outcome in your case. Definitely seek competent legal advice. You do not need to move out immediately, it would be best for a clear path forward to be nailed down.
In your case, where she has equity but you are the main earner, I would have thought that selling and splitting finances would make more sense. How would your ex run a big house on minimal income? Better for both of you and your son if living standards are similar. Does your ex have legal representation yet?
How would your ex run a big house on minimal income?
This. I bet she’s got some ideas, and I’ll bet you won’t like it.
Wife and I separated 18 months ago, 2 boys 11 and 14. I moved back in with parents whilst looking for a house near my kids. I'm mid 40's so no spring chicken. It was gutting, also very tearful all the time at the thought of why did things go south and not seeing my boys every day.
Imo getting upset is the right response it shows you care and that you understand the important parts of your relationship with your family. Getting drunk and shagging birds is a horrendously destructive approach. Backing off when things got heated shows both of you understand the importance of being reasonable.
My wife bought me out of the house and it really felt like I was being pushed out of the family, excluded and generally not wanted or needed. This couldn't have been further from the truth, just my perception as I was the one leaving. It was the right thing though painful but right. Took over a year to find the right house. See my kids most days andmy relationship with the ex is really positive. Honestly the best thing we did, should have done it before in reality.
There is light at the end of the tunnel even though it may not feel like it right now. Pm me if needed.
Thanks for all the kind comments, it's difficult seeing any positives in this.
I know i'm partly to blame for the break down of the relationship but not totally and i dont think now is the time to drag over that dispite being totally crushed by it. I really am going to be lost without my family and daily hugs.
To start preparing to be normal person an not constantly wishing to not wake up in a morning i went out last night to meet an internet social group. Only stopped out an hour but forced myself to talk to strangers and make conversation (i'm rubbish at this but have zero friends so need to do something).
Had as good a time as can do, came home kissed son good night and went to sleep. Only 4hrs though not sleeping is bad as sat alone in silence just thinking.
One of the big problems we've had is a recent (last july) house move, it was rushed i didn't get to see the inside until we moved in and it's never really felt like home for me until recently. (Irony)
We cant move forward now until some financial advice comes back to us. If they cant come up with a soultion then we might have to sell everything or i buy her out of here not sure yet.
Son will have to be with mum as my work doesn't fit around school and hospital oppintments. She is also better at arranging playdates and social stuff but how that changes at 12+ we'll see.
Leagal advice might have to be sought just in terms of access holidays etc, am not sure yet.
Thanks for the support it has really helped, today is going to be another tough day on my own. I really must get some work done (have been off sick nearly 2 weeks) but struggle to focus on anything.
Hi OP I’ve just recently been through a similar process. Please get some legal advice as soon as possible. I waited as I wanted to be amicable, and ended up having to go to court to get reasonable access to my son. I’m in Southwell if you fancy a beer/walk/ride
So we have had a good talk. The relationship has been a bit ropey for some years bouncing up and down. We both have faults and contributed i would seem me more than i realised which makes me feel bad for behaving badly at times (grumpy moody and a black cloud).
Anyway the air is cleared(ish) no possibility of reconciliation so need to be strong to move forward. It will be tough in the same house till i can move out but we are not on bad terms the relationship has just ended.
Am ashamed how bad my depression has gotten me, being a black cloud and letting things get to me.
Going to look for some decent counciling this week.
Am ashamed how bad my depression has gotten me, being a black cloud and letting things get to me.
Don't take this badly, but it is not your fault because you are not well.
Seek help - GP to start with. Lots of threads here.
Don’t take this badly, but it is not your fault because you are not well.
Thanks
To be honest i think i've been trying to battle it for a while, we even had a conversation that ended "we both cant be on anti depressents" back in October.
Doctors will be fed up of seeing this month with migrains and joint problems.
Just cant seem to snap myself out of it, thats why this thread helps just writing it down seems to help.
My only concern would be doctor to sign me off work, i need to be out the house and around people. Going to plan what i'm doing this week to try and keep busy.
For what it's worth,
With the benefit of 30 years' hindsight, the answer to "when to end a relationship?" is when the answer to the question "is this person making my life better or worse?" is a negative one. You only get the one life.
As for kids, I don't know for sure but I have a sneaking suspicion that the only reason my mum kept my dad around was for my benefit, keeping the family unit together sort of thing. Which would be ironic if true because if she had got shut of him I'd have been... well, "overjoyed" is probably too strong a word but there was no love lost between us, put it that way. In an ideal world your kid might end up with two pairs of loving parents.
It does sound like you have a shot at amicable. You still need legal advice and perhaps mediation to keep a balanced view. Medical support for your mental health should be another priority. Emotionally it's tough to be separated from your kids, but because time is limited we make more effort to do special stuff. And I value that time more. Being prepared to compromise is critical, if both of you can do that it means you are focused on what's best for your son.
If you’re suffering from depression then you need to address that before anything. Believe me, I know. It’s an illness, so it needs treating
Once you’ve got that under control then that massively effects your outlook on everything else and your capacity to deal with it
See if there are any groups like this around you. This was set up by one of my mates and has made a massive positive difference to so many peoples lives. The opposite end of the spectrum to that nasty, misogynistic MGTOW bollocks
I'm in Mansfield, know a reasonable councilor and a good Nottingham solicitors' company.
Member of a few local biking groups on Facebook and meet up regularly on a Thursday in one of the local pubs if you ever want a chat.
Been through similar to you a few years ago too, it gets better once things start getting put in place.
Doctors will be fed up of seeing this month with migrains and joint problems.
Just cant seem to snap myself out of it, thats why this thread helps just writing it down seems to help.
No they won't, they may well suspect.
Trust me, it's not something you can snap yourself out of, it just isn't like that.
Keep writing...
If you're suffering with migraines and joint problems then you need to be pro-active in getting those dealt with. Don't underestimate how draining poor physical health can be so you're better off fixing that first which should in turn help with your mental health.
Had a night (pints) with a friend, we grew up together next door to each other as kids practically family.
Feel alot better just talking to someone i've known for so long, talk s#$t inbewteen stuff that matters. Got a rough plan of doctors, written agreement of access and maintenance (how does that work? Online calculator say £300/ month if i have him 3 days a week) and focus on new house for me, then rebuild life.
He backed up whats already been said "get it in writing while its amicable".
The time between now and moving will be the hardest but don't feel am on my own in this.
Actually looking forward to work and telling people.
If this thread ever helps anyone please dont isolate yourself like i did, it has been the biggest negative on my life so far.
Hopefull for more hgan 3hrs sleep tonight.
This is the worst bit for me.
Sat alone in bed at 3am, just me and my thoughts. They go to some bad places but keep going for my boy.
It taken half an hour to write this, its not for any attention or action. Just writing gets it out there.
Am finding being alone for what feels like a long periods of time after 15 years together very difficult.
I’m really sorry to read about your situation. I’ve no real words of advice I’m afraid, other than I’m thinking of you.
Keep writing whatever pops into your head sumoname, doesn't matter,no one here will judge.
Best of luck, keep on keeping on at all that bollards 👍
Like others above I can't really offer any practical advice but I am genuinely sorry to read about your situation. Keep your mind on your lad and keep posting on here to unload your thoughts.
Don’t underestimate how draining poor physical health can be so you’re better off fixing that first which should in turn help with your mental health.
Don’t assume your mental health is lower priority than your physical health and all you need to do is fix the latter to get better.
Make notes. Take to doc. Discuss all the issues. Highlight your concern about being signed off. Make sure he knows about lack of sleep - it’s probably not making the physical or mental issues better.
Keep at it, get something negotiated and written down - you will need to involve lawyers to make anything written down actually sticks, they might push one or both of you to challenge things, so make sure you have included and documented everything.
And don't feel down about feeling down, you're dealing with a lot and you'd need to be insane not to.
First day back at work today.
An OK day talked to people at work and was honest, people in our office were nice and offered help if i needed.
Had training this afternoon and was a bit hard as the woman delivering reminded me of my partner (that should be ex). To be honest i struggled through this but by the time it had finished was OK.
I've been to the doctors and he offered self referral to insight, i didn't want meds (taking enough). Confirmed sounds like i've had depression for a bit.
Before work i wrote down some ideas/ outlines for agreement of access to son, maintenance etc. Ex was seeing a lawyer today so was a good time. We agreed on most things and are going to go ahead with the legal side just to prevent any problems in the future.
We've had some progress with the finances as well and should be able to instruct applications this week, i'm viewing a house on Wednesday that is about as ideal as it can be.
We had a good talk discussing the progress made so far and it's been quite a positive day.
I realise that the relationship has been bad for both of us, with both having a negative effect on the other. My behaviour at times has been appalling (never violent though) and depressed or not unacceptable. Am quite ashamed on this part.
The sad thing is we do love each other and hopefully will still be friendly once properly separated and settled down.
The support I've had from people (strangers and colleagues) has been great, have felt good overall. we'll see what the night brings.
Am quite ashamed on this part.
Positive and constructive self criticism is a healthy learning experience. Remember you're not that person anymore, as you've become aware of past behaviours which you have no intention of repeating, right?
Last post sounds very promising mate. Looking back over the marriage I was an absolute **** at times, unrecognisable personality to who I am now or thought I was before. I am so glad we split when we did. Have a very good friendship with my ex, we don't have anything in terms of access or maintenance legally certified. We have an informal "1 night midweek, 2 nights weekend" arrangement which suits us all pretty well. I pay more than I should for maintenance, clubs and childcare because I can afford it and my daughter should have a good standard of living in both houses.
First night without hitting the pain kiilers (not dangerous amount). The 2-3 hrs awake in the middle of the night is still really tough, and can get quite dark.
Keep dweling on really daft things like when to start dating (fun) again which just seems a stupid. But i think comes from when ex has helped her friends though a split with "get under one to get oved one" advice and trying to protect myself from the enevitable when she meets someone else.
Got a busyish day which should help providing i can focus.
The next 6-8 weeks befor i can move (if i get the house) are going to be really tough at times, but i feel i need that time to prepare myself to being able to cope with being alone. It will be the first time i've lived in my own and after 15yrs of company just seems a huge challange.
Just broken down again, didnt cry once yesterday cant stop this morning.
Seem to be filled with self loathing, i hate what i'd become and worse is i didn't know.
It's so hard trying to keep going. Todays job is book referal to councilor and keep going.
Tomorrow will one week in.
Sumoname... I'm currently in the same position as you :-(. Without going into too much details wife and I are have a 6 months trail separation (instigated by Mrs). Marriage has been unstable/on the rocks for a few years.
Initially the request to separate hit me really hard, but once i accepted the fact and and started telling close family and friends (& 14yo Son).. I've kinda got to accept the fact that we both need a break from each other.
As others have suggested on here do speak to family and friends about it... more so just to vent and get thinks outta your head.
I have spoken to the Samaritans on a number of times just to speak to a total stranger about the situation. Also work have a 24hr counselling service that i have used a few times just to sanity check my thinking and thoughts.
Please don't suffer in silence reach out to friends and colleagues they cant fix anything but it does help to off load.
Concentrate your efforts on getting yourself into a new place .. then the emotionally rollercoaster can take place.
All the best
Thanks
People at work have been great, though i did have tell someone to stop being nice as was tearing up.
Have self referred to insight today after talking to doctors, ex is being nice and helpfull with some stuff.
Its easier for her as she has been building up to this, building a support network, having counciling and hypnotheropy. I'm struggling to come to terms with being such a horrible person that drove her away and lost my family.
Now trying to work out how to move on.
try not to be too hard on yourself... just remember that you WILL get through this and see the other side ... whatever the other side is.
As quite a few people have told me you have to look after number one now... as your partner may have already started to build her support network you need to do the same and also try to keep busy.. you'll really feel like doing f$4K all but make sure you try and make an effort to go for a walk just to get out of the house.
feel free to drop me a PM
cheers
You didn't drive her away, who you both are as people made that relationship fail. And you haven't lost your family, the setup is different. Takes a massive effort to get through this stage, but focus on the simple steps to keep moving forward.
When I split up from my ex we were advised to both stay in the property until the settlement was sorted. Our solicitors were a husband and wife who worked at seperate law firms (no conflict of interest there then!) and they couldn't understand that we wanted to be fair to each other 😮 so do make sure your solicitor understands that you wish to be a decent human being about it.
My ex's parents stayed together despite MIL loathing FIL 'for the kids', my parents split up when I was 6. I feel I got the better deal, so don't beat yourself up on that score.
The head injury that led to the split has also led to a new and annoying relationship with depression and anxiety, I find that the meds help, and the counselling was brilliant at helping me to change how I looked at certain situations, but it's what works for you that works for you.
Keep talking on here, I'm in Farnsfield if a change of scene would help. A tootle to Pines and back is about where I'm at fitness wise...
Just broken down again, didnt cry once yesterday cant stop this morning.
Seem to be filled with self loathing, i hate what i’d become and worse is i didn’t know.
It’s so hard trying to keep going. Todays job is book referal to councilor and keep going.
Tomorrow will one week in.
You are grieving. Grieving for what you had and what it could have been. Grief isn’t about death - it’s about loss...
Have a look at the stages of grief defined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. That might help - it certainly made sense when I was grieving.
Nothing much to add OP other than I know what depression can do to you. You’ve done the right thing by seeking medical advice and I wish you all the best for the future.
Keep posting.
Morning, as ever thanks for the replies they really have helped this week.
Well to today makes week one over so hopfully will get better from here.
Got a house viewing today, conveyencer on standby and mortguage broker with some inital offers and ready to talk tomorrow. All positive. Estimate we can complete in 5 weeks (we did this last summer in that time frame)
I've started doing some meditation/ hypno therapy, video below, it has really helped and had about 6hrs sleep last night. Wasn't awake half the night thinking stupid thoughts.
I need to get myself together as got some major work milestones to get through then can relax a bit afterwards.
Having gone through similar (it's all too common eh!) and now, ooh, 16 months down the line, you WILL find it gets better. MUCH better. Being in a bad relationship is like being stuck in treacle, yet if it's all you know then you don't know how life can be better out of it..
I moved out of the (huge, luxury, recently renovated to the tune of hundreds of £k.. Doh!) 'family home' straight away..but you know what - it's just bricks and mortar. My little flat is home now. When I've got the kids (pretty much 50:50) it's heaven..i don't miss the new kitchen or larger rooms etc... It's highlighted to me what's important, and how to get it.
Focus on yourself (not in a selfish/narcissistic way, but actually prioritize your needs)..focus on the kids - they're with you less now, so use the time they're NOT with yo for boring stuff (food shopping) and personal stuff. The sheer joy i feel picking my kids up from school having not seen them for 3 days is immense.. honestly, i find myself skipping up and down in the playground waiting for my 5 year old to pop her head out of the classroom. And she feels it too... It makes her happy to see me like this... 16 months later I'm like this, and I'm sure it'll never stop.
I realise I was smothered in my prev relationship..
You'll get used to being alone. Heck, I'm in a new relationship now, and though I love seeing her, I still look forward to the odd night alone when I can just chill on the sofa or early night in bed with a podcast! But again... I really look forward to seeing this new person when I do.
Life changes, and though stepping out of a bad relationship is hard (****ing hard, tbh)...the IS light at the end of the tunnel.
Focus on the important things: family (my parents and siblings have been amazing. I'm much closer to them now the ex is out the way. She, on the other hand, kind of has no-one. Says a lot, TBH), health, children.
Yeah, money and big houses are cool, but if that's ALL you have to define yourself (not saying that's you AT ALL..) then I feel sorry for you.
Keep talking, keep sharing.
This place (STW) is pretty awesome for that kind of thing - yeah, it's a MTB forum, but most people are the good guys/gals of this world, and most just want to help.
DrP
Last evenig we had a good talk about timing and how it all seemed very well timed. In some ways it was in others just concidence.
In taking advice, a lot of people have advised her to go after half my pension. This seems totaly unfair, She says that would never happen and wont do that but it does seem like a cloud that will always be over me.
There is money related things comming up and she is going to end up quite well off and not have to work soonish.
It shouldnt be about money but i always did the reliable stable job so she could do short hours and child care. So getting the majority of past care money comming to us seems fair but nof if my pension is going to be gone after.
I've also found out that she has been advised to have an "escape bag" if things get violent. I never had or would be violent towards her which make me a bit sad.
We probably had the best chat and amicable night we've had in ages.
The house i looked at was not brilliant and cant help but feel like am getting the raw end of the deal here. As people have said it shouldn't be about the money, but it all feels very well timed and a bit ruthless (says its not and it would be out of character for her).
This chap handled my divorce. He is cheap, grumpy, only really communicates by email and was extremely effective. His website has a huge amount of reading material on it, and I strongly recommend reading and absorbing it.
Don't be too tempted to see her as a scheming, manipulative and greedy scumbag who had this planned all along and get into a thoroughly acrimonious breakup if you don't need to. But you're at a potential disadvantage because she's had the time to plan, and it sounds like she's started negotiating pretty hard and setting out some benchmarking for how thoroughly you should expect to be fleeced. Getting some advice now will help to level the playing field a bit.
In taking advice, a lot of people have advised her to go after half my pension. This seems totaly unfair,...................... she could do short hours and child care.
look at this from the other side - she gave up her chance to build up a pension because she was looking after the kids. so she will be left with no pension and no chance to build one up
I do see that from both sides but financially she will be in a significantly better position from me and set with a conciderable sum in leau of pension.
I'm trying not to make this about money and greed as i dont think this is true. I just need to protect future me.
Like i said we had a really good talk, but things have come up this week that i will just need advice from.
Not going to comment on the situation per se, what I will say is those suggesting waiting until the 'ideal' time to split, thats ****ing dumb. I've been that kid and it's horrible. If things break down, don't stay for the kids, split for the kids. Either way there will be heartache, but if you and your ex can find a way to not be dicks to each other apart, the kids can have some sort of normalcy. Living in some bullshit warzone for 9 years left me with more issues than I care to mention. It's taken me until my 40's to really get a handle on it all and move past them.
Thought i was making progress, but today is really bad. I just cant accept loosing my family (i know the relationship is over and cant be reconsiled but i still love her) and having to move away from my son.
They have been everything to me for 15 years now just feel so alone.
I hate this and wish it would end, just keeping going is such a massive effort at times.
look at this from the other side – she gave up her chance to build up a pension because she was looking after the kids. so she will be left with no pension and no chance to build one up
If the OP was keen to have children and also refused to take time off to look after the kids then that's reasonable.
If on the other hand the OPs missus was insistent on having kids when he wasn't fussed and also insistent on giving up/reducing work to look after the kids then less so.
However it is the law, so the OP does need to suck it up and hand over half his pension.