When a fart goes too far…

Once, in the Caribbean, fortunately I was near a bath and caught it early. It took me months to get confidence back in my godlike trumping ability.

An ex-colleague of mine coughed a malteser into his shorts after farting whilst pissed / stoned in Amsterdam.

Said malteser rolled out onto the custom’s counter when his bag was searched after the return flight.

While on acid at Glastonbury my friend was convinced he had crapped himself every time he farted. Several times in crowded locations he drooped his pants and would not pull them up until I (also tripping) had checked.

Cambodia, around Christmas, a few years back. We were backpacking, and unbeknownst to me I’d picked up some bug or other; had the classic ‘paaaarposheeitseeyoulater’ moment. Everyone thought I was very antisocial as I waddled back to the hostel. Fortunately I had swimming shorts on that contained it.

As above, the key learning was “never fart on a dicky stomach”, although it’s a rule I’ve tried several times, only to reiterate its importance.

our bass player did it jumping off the drum riser. didn’t do much moving around for the rest of the gig. o how we laughed.

While on acid at Glastonbury my friend was convinced he had crapped himself every time he farted. Several times in crowded locations he drooped his pants and would not pull them up until I (also tripping) had checked.

i nearly did it laughing at this 😀

We may of reached a new level 😆

Having suffered from Ulcerative Colitis – several times. That said luckily never in public but I had countless very close calls.

Cheers

Danny B

When a thread goes too far….

Work colleague told me this story last night.

Whilst on a walking holiday in Oman he and a friend booked a room with a double bed as it was cheaper. On getting out of the shower wrapped only in a towel said friend decides to let a ripper fly. Due to the quantity of spicy local food he had eaten he promptly re-decorated the floor.

His co-walker was so sickened that he lit a cigarette to try to mask the smell. This in turn set off the fire alarm. Cue hotel staff banging on the door demanding to be let in. They eventually let themselves in to be greeted by two men in a double room, one wearing only a towel clearing up faeces on the floor and the other enjoying a cigarette.

My colleague spent the rest of his stay fearing a visit from the local police for degenerate behaviour!

I once sh&t my pants test driving a car (hungover). Fortunately the car had black leather seats, so I was able to say my goodbyes before the salesperson realised.

This thread is not improving in quality…..

No matter how old you get, toilet humour is always teh awesumz

This morning, over Ireland, I conducted a very thorough test on the theory that airline seats can absorb any fart.

A very thorough test indeed. No sharting, though, I hasten to add.

Another story. My friend was travelling in India in the 70s when a dog befriended them and followed him everywhere. He smuggled him on a train where the dog got given lots of sweets. Apparently he then let rip a fart which then turned into a jet of splat, covering a large Sikh gentleman. He was obviously not happy and the train was stopped in the middle of no where and my friend and his dog were thrown off, the dog then ran off. It took several hours to walk to the next station where upon arriving they told him the train he was on had been in a crash. Turns out to be one of Indias worst with few survivors.

Ive done the trainspoting thing. Wife wasnt so impressed being woken up by me pulling all the beding off.

Speaking of trains, once sharted on the last train from Manchester to Tod after a stomachful of Guinness.

Managed to alert the conductor at Rochdale, who kindly helped me shuffle into waiting taxi, where I promptly did it again.
Not my finest hour.

Mind you, I followed through on mushrooms once and thoroughly enjoyed the experience.

On a ski holiday and done the fast waddle back to the room one night as I knew there was a nasty one coming.
Got into the room, dropped my pants but only got halfway before it released itself into my kegs.
The remainder hit the bowl and was the consistency of madras curry.
Jumped in the shower then into bed but forgot to flush the toilet.
My bro in law came back about an hour later and went for a pee and found the remnants still stuck to the bowl.
Found it quite funny lying in bed listening to him reaching!

There are some classics here, I will keep watching with interest.

And 3dvgirl, are you currently single, perchance?
😉

This has been a great thread that’s kept me laughing all day, looking forward to the evening contributions.

“yea i know what you mean, its like the day after u have been done up the ***”

My sister once told me some men have to wear a tampon up there.

Isnt going to far called a shart ?

Isnt going to far called a shart ?

It is indeed. The bum version of a vurp.

A few years ago my old man was diagnosed as being diabetic. He has a sweet tooth so I found a selection of diabetic friendly sweets and chocolate for his birthday that year.

Anyway, the next morning he called to say that he’d been up all night after shafting the bed and sitting on the bog for most of the morning with a “brown flame” exiting his anus.
It turns out that if you read the wrapper, diabetic chocolate “may” cause laxative effects if it isn’t eaten sparingly.
The daft bugger had only scoffed the lot and couldn’t extinguish the “brown flame” for a couple of days and many pairs of pants.

I literally can’t see through the tears.

On the other hand, Mrs Elliott-20 is far less than impressed at my school boy sniggering.

😆

On the trainspotting theme.. Slipping a chocolate button into the bum crack of an evening’s conquest once they have fallen into a post coital slumber, saves you the difficulty of tactfully asking them to leave so you can stretch out

Its a brave brave person that farts when they have diahorrea

Also known as ‘twisting on 19’

Very moist fart today when the Horsham TDC I was standing in front of disappeared in a huge cloud of smoke after I’d replaced the 13A fuse!

Boxing Day

Aged 17

Before heading off to the out of town retail park with the folks I thought it would be polite to squeeze out some troublesome gas before getting in the car. This gentle encouragement however launched what could easily have been mistaken for the trunk of a giant redwood into my boxers.

queue the family sitting in the car for 10 minutes while I went back to the house to “look for my phone” The pants may have been the cause of some sewerage system issues we experienced a few months later.

I am very fortunate that this didn’t happen at the retail park as they don’t seem to have public conveniences.

Oh yes. Last couple of times have only been on the sofa thankfully.

A few years ago my old man was diagnosed as being diabetic. He has a sweet tooth so I found a selection of diabetic friendly sweets and chocolate for his birthday that year.

Anyway, the next morning he called to say that he’d been up all night after shafting the bed and sitting on the bog for most of the morning with a “brown flame” exiting his anus.
It turns out that if you read the wrapper, diabetic chocolate “may” cause laxative effects if it isn’t eaten sparingly.
The daft bugger had only scoffed the lot and couldn’t extinguish the “brown flame” for a couple of days and many pairs of pants.

Why was your dad “shafting” the bed 😛

After finally getting wed, wife decided she could now fart in front of me – she swears she had never farted while we were going out, it was a bit of a whirlwind romance I suppose so I never really noticed.

Anyways, she tried the old roll and waft manoeuvre in bed one night, while facing away from me – you guessed it – I got ‘hit’. Cue an embarrassed change of the bed sheets and a shower.

I haven’t lost an argument in the 18 years since we’ve been married – the line ‘well at least I didn’t shit on you’ tends to end them!

On the way to open up one morning at my Supermarket it was a twenty minute drive, half way there I got that “ooh I think I need to go” the next ten minutes were hell – sit up sit down left cheek up right cheek up- nothing would pacify this turd from making an appearance. My driving hot faster and more erratic until I got to work ran to the doors managed to hold it while the bloody electric roller shutter got past the key hole so I could open the door behind fumbling with the keys to open the door when BOOM it shot out my arse and that was that
A ten hour shift commando is not very pleasant especially checking your flies every five minutes *just in case*

Sadly, I have a few options.
The choicest would be the time I had a tooth implant fitted. No solid food for a week!
About 5 days into the ‘scrambled and soup’ diet, I was enjoying a few cooking lagers at a mates. A cheeky parp made it through my undies and jeans, and onto the light beige fabric of an antique chair.
His mother still believes the stain is chocolate nearly 20 years later.
Good times 🙂

To be honest I’ve nearly shat my self laughing at some of these stories brilliant.

Why not go ahead – it would be appropriate! 😉

😯
😀

An STW-classic

Several times. I am having to think hard to make sure I recall the more choice moments.

Stag do in Manchester, immensely drunk by Saturday teatime, so we’d gone out for a meal to try and sort ourselves out. Before the starters had arrived, I quietly shat my pants and so excused myself from the table, citing the need to find a cash machine, and nonchalantly walked the couple of minutes back to the hotel in order to change.

After removing the soiled articles and emerging from a particularly-localised shower, I discovered that, since I’d been pissed before I’d even left home, I’d not actually packed any spare kecks. Luckily, I was sharing the room with a mate, so I simply stole his spare pair from his bag.

All I had to do now was get rid of the beshattened pants. Clearly, I couldn’t put them in the bin in the room, as my mate might find them. Likewise, I didn’t fancy walking through reception with faecally-challenged drawers in my pocket. So I just screwed them into a ball and hoyed them out the window instead, into the busy shopping street below.

Ahhhhhh awesome. This is great.
Day one in a new exec job. Sitting congratulating myself looking out the window of my office, sneaked a wee one out, ooooooohhhhhhnooooooo. Didn’t even know where the bogs were. Had to shuffle round and effect a masking affair with large handfuls of bog roll. Hid my keks in a duct and retrieved them that weekend 😯
Must have been something I ate I reckon.
Also bike touring in Vietnam, had a slight ropey gut sensation, stood up to fart and had pissing hot streams of wet crap spewing out my bike shorts. Managed to ride past a large body of water (the sea) , casually dismounted and to the bemusement of the locals walked in up to my waist fully clothed. Felt much better after that.

Some one I used to work for once pebble-dashed his girlfriend in the face while pissed and suffering from diarrhea in a tent. He’d woken up in the night needing the toilet and had his head out of the door on his hands and knees when he farted and followed through. His girlfriend had been woken by him drunkenly trying to get out of the tent and was caught full in the face.

I was working on a show a couple of months ago and the photographer who I’d never worked with before mentioned his name which was a cue for me to relate the above story. She was able to confirm the story was true as she’d been the girlfriend!