Ridiculous, real work emails – WTF?

Pan cam is the only way of getting to the bottom of this outrage.

I read that as Pam Cam.

Nom

Got this today.

Hi All,

With POKEMON Go causing some disruption within the building, this is a gentle reminder that such games should not be played within working hours or on work premises.

Can we ensure we keep the Pokémon Go craze out of the working environment please.

Thanks

I worked in a large IT department a few years ago. We brought in an outsourcing partner from outside the UK and had several incidents people #2ing in urinals. Thankfully I never saw anyone doing the deed!

Their company used to send out emails on toilet etiquette, how to queue, how to eat lunch etc.

I hate to imagine what some of these people’s homes are like! 😯

sploooosh

It was pretty worrying that there was a tub of soup with Use-by 20 June, and chicken drumsticks dated 5 July

no problem eating those after a quick smell test

I’ve eaten a 4 month old trifle before with no ill effects

Back in the 70s when newly-rich Gulf Arabs started finding their way to London there were all kinds of toilet disaster stories circulating, probably because some of the visitors had never seen a WC pan before. Everybody has nowadays so I can’t imagine what the houses of some folk must be like.

I received my first ‘I will reach out to you’ email this morning.
Before I had chance to compose my witty response, he called me. He then used phrases such as ‘solution focussed’ and ‘deep partnership’.

I feel dirty.

He only wants to sell me a new website.

Mate, if he wants a “deep partnership” I think he wants more than you suspect…

We had an email reminding us not to use the microwave to heat food that has a smell, as the kitchen smelt of someone’s lunch and caused someone offence.

We received a gem of an email a few years ago from the most straight laced Director in world that was along the lines of:

Unfortunately one of the admin staff received a blow up man doll in the Secret Santa distribution of gifts. She is not amused. All staff must refrain from including sex toys in the Secret Santa or this well meaning exchange of gifts will be banned in future years.

We got one from one of the Office Admin staff about how to use a dishwasher and the special signs she’d made to notify people of how to use it.

Something along the line of “if the wash light is on do not open the door”, it amazes me how people have enough time to come up with, print off, laminate, attach the signs and then email everyone about it.

We had a boss who used to hate us using the microwave for heating smelly food
For 2 weeks after that email I ate nothing but bagged kippers in work 😀
We don’t have a phantom poo leaver in our current office. We have the phantom “bogey wiper on the walls”
Signs have been left!!

To quote someone

Whoever microwaves fish at work should be killed

it amazes me how people have enough time to come up with, print off, laminate, attach the signs and then email everyone about it.

It amazes me that these passive-aggressive signs are necessary. I despair daily for the future of the human race.

We have people who can’t use a microwave; I’ve watched them press the ’30 seconds’ button and stand there waiting, then when it dings immediately press it again, rinse and repeat for five minutes. The fridge has a few buttons on the front of it, including one to toggle between an ice / water dispenser; pretty much daily I have to reset the fridge temperature because someone’s randomly pressed all the other buttons. Someone dumps tea bags in the sink; what do they think is going to happen, maybe the dog poo fairy has a daytime job? Folk who put plates flat in the dishwasher, four plates means it’s ****ing full so then I’ve got to wade through their filth to make room for my bowl. But it’s ok, because the sink makes for a handy dumping ground for those who can’t be bothered to even try to make it to the dishwasher which is a foot away. Half the teaspoons look like Uri Geller works here as some **** wrings out their teabags with the force of a thousand elephants. We’re on our third set of taps in as many months because someone has turned one the wrong way sufficiently hard enough to shear off the entire head of the tap. The kettle has a warning sign on it that the water is hot; it’s a GODS DAMNED KETTLE and if you don’t know hot water comes out of it you shouldn’t be out of the **** house unaccompanied AAAARGH WHATTHECLUCKISWRONGWITHPEOPLE?!!1!?

*breathes*

These threads are just brilliant. Thanks all. 😀

Pre-email, but a well known arts establishment I used to work at apparently had a female employee who used to write abusive poetry.

On the toilet wall.

Using her own poo.

Cougar, do you work here?

We were sent this from another building of ours…

Over the last few weeks there has been a spate of anti-social behaviour in xx House. This has been concentrated around the WC facilities.

This includes:

• Faecal smearing on the walls and sanitary fittings.
• Faeces placed in bins and under bin liners.
• Faeces wrapped in toilet roll and placed in between the clean paper towels stored in the WC’s.

This anti-social behaviour is taking place in this building during the working day. This behaviour is unacceptable and must stop immediately.

If this continues further we will have no alternative but to secure the WC facilities at all times and staff working in this building will be required to sign for and return the key via the Reception in order to access the WC facilities in xxHouse.

They were never caught.

We don’t have a phantom poo leaver in our current office. We have the phantom “bogey wiper on the walls”

We do too – it’s rank. The walls in trap 1,2 and 3 are covered in their dried, crispy boogers. One of the young lads discovered it this when resting his hand on the wall to have a pee…

We used to have someone who used to lay the biggest cables ever and leave them for the rest of us to admire / try and get rid of. They were huge. Massive in fact. Terrifyingly so.

It is odd what supposedly educated, professional people think it is OK to do at work.

Sat here typing this having had to clean up a big pool of piss on the work loo cubicle floor and all over the seat and lid. Don’t understand how people can leave it in such a state. Emails like the OP’s are frequent here 🙁

This email landed this week;

‘It has been noted that some employee defecates (excretes) in communal shower stall, apart from being a health hazard it is also an act of disgrace within our community.

Please refrain from such an act, investigation will be done and disciplinary action instituted against the culprits.

It should be noted that there are sufficient toilets around the mine which should be used hygienically to avoid spread of communicable and gastronomy diseases.’

Gastronomy diseases? 😆 I’d be bringing sandwiches if I were you

Gotta wonder who the target audience is.

I mean, are there really people who will read these emails and think “oh wow, I had no idea that I wasn’t supposed to smear my bodily excretions on the walls, I’ll stop doing it immediately!” Surely it’s about as effective a deterrent as whining about it on an Internet forum.

It seems the bogey man is present amongst our staff. I say this because there is a noticeable trail of nasal crusts hanging off the walls in the ground floor toilets.

If you spot him, please ask him to leave.

Alternatively, if you are said bogey man, then stop being such a heinous t**t and use tissue or alternatively eat it, it’ll do you no harm, I can get my 3 year old to show you how to do both of these executions.

With kind regards.

Had this one land this morning from one of our management team

Have any phantom smearers ever been caught? We had one in a place I worked at years ago who was never apprehended and that seems to be the case everywhere. You’d think it’d be the case of just finding the bloke who smelt a bit pooey but it’s apparently a lot harder than that.

We had an email reminding us not to use the microwave to heat food that has a smell, as the kitchen smelt of someone’s lunch and caused someone offence.

Open floor office with kitchen area also open plan, off to one side. One of the traders took to eating steamed brocolli, greens and kippers for breakfast. After he’d boiled them to death in the microwave.

I forget whether it was the 3rd or 4th morning before there were sufficient threats made to his person that he promised not to do it again.

We used to have someone who used to lay the biggest cables ever and leave them for the rest of us to admire / try and get rid of. They were huge. Massive in fact. Terrifyingly so.

One of my daughters, ever since she’s been toilet trained, has always been able to lay the most astoundingly large creations. My poor father-in-law at one point used to keep a wire coat hanger in the bathroom solely for the purpose of making them flushable.

Discovering yet another ‘dead otter’ gets tired pretty quickly and the institution of a household-wide fines system has put paid to this at home. Shame it wouldn’t work in the office.

Woffle, I’m laughing so hard it hurts now !

Dead otter indeed…

Someone else was making similar observations about their kids creations on another thread, referring to their beloved child as a Human Tardis as there was no way “that” amount of poo could appear from a normal child…

You go to the toilet to “do your business” ergo: “business support”

Perfectly logical!

Finally got some secretatarial/admin help for our growing group of construction managers, one of the roles is to take meeting notes and prepare the draft minutes…

First CM group meeting goes okay, lots discussed and notes taken

24 hours later, email comes in from the admin person ‘Would you all please send me a summary of what you spoke about, your issues and actions items so I can draft the minutes”

Alternatively, if you are said bogey man, then stop being such a heinous t**t and use tissue or alternatively eat it, it’ll do you no harm, I can get my 3 year old to show you how to do both of these executions

that would be wrong

Remember at the old work place getting an email asking us to refrain from urinating in the bin for the paper towels as it was getting filled with smelly liquid frequently, the mind boggled

that would be wrong

S’not.

Dead otter

We used to refer to the creations as the Exxon Valdez – normally because they’d be left there long enough to start leaking…

Cougar – Moderator

that would be wrong

S’not.

ha ha ha ha ,tis(sue) though

Whoever was in this trap prior must have been out last night as its stinks of booze !

When I was an apprentice I used to sneak into the directors toilet, do a shit in one trap then go to the next one to wipe. This was before email was invented though.

Unfortunately one of the admin staff received a blow up man doll in the Secret Santa distribution of gifts. She is not amused.

Couldn’t she just have asked who wanted to trade their gift for it? Trading gifts is good – less wastage.

Apparently we had a poo incident at work yesterday. This is a busy office building so how they didn’t get seen I have no idea.

Someone, we assume it’s a woman, took a dump in the main women’s loo on the second floor then smeared some of it around the cubicle and the walls outside. They then left the toilet carrying a sizeable chunk of poo, walked into the finance department and dropped it on the floor.