Father Ted – The Beast

RichPenny – Member

That would be an ecumenical matter

Absolutely ! I try to use it at least once a day 🙂

+1 all the above.
What a brilliant show.

Father Jack… "Arse Biscuits !!"…

Father…………….I killed a man

I do use arse biscuits a lot. So much so and for so long I'd forgotten it came from Father Ted.

HAIRY JAPANESE BAST….

Those **** Chinese!

COLM: Hello there Father.
TED: Ah, hello Colm. Out and about?
COLM: Ah, same as yourself.
TED: Good good.
COLM: I hear you're a racist now Father.
TED: Wha…What?
COLM: How did you get interested in that type of thing?
TED: Who said I'm a racist?
COLM: Everyone's sayin' it Father. Should we all be racist now? What's the official line the church is takin' on this.
TED: No, no.
COLM: Only the farm takes up most of the day and at night I just like a cup of tea. I mightn't be able to devote meself to the oul' racism.
MRS. CARBERRY: Good for you Father.
TED: What? Oh, Mrs. Carberry!
MRS. CARBERRY: Good for you Father. Well someone had the guts to stand up to them at last. Comin' over here, takin' our jobs and our women and actin' like they own the ****' place. Well done Father. Good for you. Good for you. I'd like to ****….
MRS. CARBERRY: ****' Greeks.
COLM: It isn't the Greeks, it's the Chinese he's after.
TED: I'm not after the Chinese.
MRS. CARBERRY: I don't care who he gets so long as I can have a go at the Greeks. They invented gayness!

Oh genius, I love Father Ted!

Mine is, I think the first ever scene – Dougal walks into the living room with shaving foam all over his face:
Ted: Dougal, you've got some shaving foam on your face still
Dougal: oh? where's that then Ted
Ted: well, you've got some here…and a bit there…well, Dougal – it's all over your face!
Dougal: (looking in mirror and wiping off with towel)how did that get there, I didn't even shave this morning"

Now if that isn't the best scene-setting start to a comedy coupling I don't know what is!

(also – the same episode, Ted's diagram for Dougal about dreams vs reality and the subsequent animation when he get's interviewed!)

another vote for That would be an ecumenical matter. Gets used all the time. Particularly in dull work meetings.

I love my brick

Oh it's a filthy, dirty business, sex. Can you imagine, Father. Your husband standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself. I want you to get a good clear picture.

Oh it's a filthy, dirty business, sex. Can you imagine, Father. Your husband standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself. I want you to get a good clear picture.

😆 (whilst Ted is trying to eat a sausage) 😆

The Anti-Santa?

Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?

Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.

Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.

"I'm a happy camper"

Father Jack said in the context of:

(The roof is leaking and water is dripping onto Father Jack's head down his arm and into his glass. Ted and Dougal begin to move Jack's chair away from the leak)

Father Jack:(Waking up) I'm a happy camper!
(Father Jack reaches for his glass and begins to drink)

Father Ted:(Panicked) No Father don't drink that it's…
Father Jack: ****' WATER!

I absolutely love it!

Father Hank Tree
Father Hiroshima Twinkie
Father Stig Bubblecard
Father Johnny Helzapoppin
Father Luke Duke
Father Billy Furley
Father Chewy Louie
Father John Hoop
Father Harry Cakelinem
Father Rabulah Conundrum
Father Pee-wee Stairmaster
Father Tri-Peglips
Father Jemimah Ractoole
Father Jerry Twig
Father Spodo Komodo
Father Canabramalamer

ted trying to explain an art-house fillum to dougal -" no that wasn't a banana "

jack; that gobshite on television again

All of the above!!

Eoin McLove -"I've got a terrible secret, i've got no willy"

I think I'll watch a couple of episodes tonight

in an unusual twist, mrs doyle appears to have baked a jumper into your cake.

Apparently its Ireland's biggest lingerie department.

Dougal:
"Ted, you big b@ll@cks"

Ted:
"Dougal, you've been reading those Roddy Doyle books again"

Not a line, but the set up at the start of the racist episode with the little bit of black tape on the window for the Hitler gag later on, just genious!

Dougal and the Christmas lights..

Father Dougal: They're gone again. Right, one minute Ted, keep it like that! No, gone! Oh God, Ted! That's it Ted! You're a genius! There again! Wait.. Gone. Back. Gone. Back. Gone. Back.

Father Ted: Just sit down Dougal

ddmonkey Right you are there father?

'Those are fake hands!'

TED! – You forgot your brick!

A department store salesman is trying to sell Mrs Doyle an automatic tea maker.

Salesman – "But madam, just think there will be no more suffering making the tea"

Mrs D – "But I LIKE the suffering"

When Ted's picking up empty bottles whilst Jack sleeps in the corner, Jack wakes hearing the clinks, and says the vintage.

Or

Dougal – Yer bollox Ted.

Ted – Have you been reading Roddy Doyle again?

Dougal – So what if I have yer gobsh*te

'are those my feet'?

Down with this sort of thing (sorry its good enough to say again!)

i'm amazed no one has posted yet saying father ted is un-funny shite, unless that's what hora meant by 'down with this sort of thing?'

is that your opinion tribal? as if it is you are wrong. hugely.

no it's not my opinion, given that i've already posted a couple of quotes. i'm just surprised someone like goan or smee haven't pointed out that they have written a more amusing comedy series

aha. ok then. 'down with this sort of thing' is from the cinema episode with the passion of st tibulus out of interest…

Father Ted: It's a friend of ours, he's dying

Nun: Oh dear, is it serious?

I'm so, so, sorry

t®ibal©hief – Member

i'm amazed no one has posted yet saying father ted is un-funny shite, unless that's what hora meant by 'down with this sort of thing?'

Its subtle, sublime humour. I knew a fair few Irish Catholics in our area when I was growing up and you dip into the 'in' jokes on religion fairly easily.