[Closed] Favourite Father Ted lines...

these are small, those are far away.

these are small, those are far away.

agreed.

or:

"don't call me len, you little prick. i'm a bishop"

So many...

[b]Dougal[/b]: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
[b]Ted:[/b] No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
[b]Dougal:[/b] Oh right.

[b]Ted:[/b] Maybe he's agoraphobic.
[b]Dougal:[/b] Jack? Scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted!

That would be an ecumenical matter 🙂

Father Ted: I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas...priests... More drink! (All cheer)

"Down with this sort of thing!"
"Careful now."

these are very small, those are far away.

+1

And

Jack " A ****ing pair o womens knickers"

[b]Dougal:[/b] A one-word film. There can't be too many of those. Salem's Lot?

Little cow, FAR AWAY!

When father jack sobers up after forcibly giving up drink for lent-

"Oh my god I'm still on this ****in' island"!

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

"I've turned it right up, Ted. At this level you could hear a pi-BRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPP!!!"

or

"I won't be happy until the only rabbit left is the one sitting in your head working the controls."

"He did kick me up the arse!"

"Those women were in the nib!"

have you seen my record collection Ted?

It's my own stupid fault for messing with the bras.

I luv my brick

Ted - What was it Jack used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Dougal - A shower of bastards.

Slight hijack:
At an Ardal O'Hanlon stand up gig years ago in St Davids Hall, Cardiff and some guy right up on one of the top tiers starts yelling "****! DRINK!" at him. Ardal just looked up at him, right up near the roof of the hall and said "JUMP!"
Looong applause for that and the heckler never said another word. 😀

Mrs Doyle "Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box"

cant fully recall it as near far is my fav
Will it still be a grade two listed relic when the remove it from his @rse- probably politer than that.
Kick bishop Brennan up the @rse
There is also a scene where you see dougals list of things that dont exist and on it is non catholic religions and darth vador

Clint Eastwood has been arrested for a crime he didn't commit! Oh wait, no, it's a fillum.

Some great ones there. One of my favourites:

[b]Dougal[/b] Look, look Ted, there's a rabbit that looks like Harvey Keitel!
[b]Ted[/b] Don't be silly Dougal, a rabbit could never look like... Oh My God!

"I hear you're a racist now Ted!"
When Dermot morgan died, we had a little shrine to him on the bike shop counter and on the day of his funeral, closed the shop early for the "Father Ted Memorial Bike Ride"
He was a true hero.

Most of the above.

I like to offer this dialogue between Mrs Doyle and Ted.

Mrs Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?
Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father?
Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well.

mrs Doyle: ' ride me sideways was another one father'

(when describing the terrible language in novelist Polly Clarke's books)

Ted- Have we any incence Dougal?
Dougal-There was a spider in the bathrom last week.

My lovely horse....

...oh no, I meant raisins.

Mrs Doyle "Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box"

Speed 😆

Not a line per se but I can't hear 'Ghost Town' by The Specials without having wee laugh to myself 😀

The full transcript of the Polly Clarke conversation. Utter ****ing unbridled genius!!!

Mrs. Doyle: It's a bit much for me, Father. "**** this" and "**** that"

Father Ted Crilly: Yes, Mrs Doyle.

Mrs. Doyle: "You big bastard." Oh, Dreadful Language. "You big hairy arse." "You big ****er." Fierce Stuff! And of course the F-word father, the bad F-word. Worse then ****. You know the one I mean.

Father Ted Crilly: Yes, I do, Mrs Doyle

Mrs. Doyle: "F you" "F your effing wife" I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this effing pitch up your hole" That was another one.

Father Ted Crilly: I see what you mean, Mrs Doyle

Mrs. Doyle: "Bastard this" and "Bastard that". You can't move for the Bastards in her novels. It's wall-to-wall bastards.

Father Ted Crilly: Is it Mrs Doyle?

Mrs. Doyle: "You Bastard" "You ****er" "You bollocks! Get your ballocks out of my face."

Father Ted Crilly: Yes, you just go and prepare for the nuns.

Mrs. Doyle: "Ride me sideways" was another one.

Ah go on, ahve some cake father, it's got cocaine in it...

CHB - Member
...oh no, I meant raisins.

Brilliant, that has totally entered our family vernacular when trying to get the kids to eat something they don;t like (nothing wrong with this family....)

Kev

All of the above, plus :

Dougal: [i]Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?[/i]

Ted: [i]Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.[/i]

Dougal: [i]Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.[/i]

The line has the same job in our house!
So hope the children don't take it out of context when they are older!

Dougal opening his advent calender

Dougal: "I'll bet it's a donkey, or something
Ted: "So, you'll have changed your mind then, what was it yesterday? Oh yes, Ruud Van Nistelrooy on a shed...

'oh no Ted, I forgot to have my breakfast...' (cue dramatic music)

Oh yes, Ruud Van Nistelrooy on a shed...

Ruud [b]Gullit[/b]! Sorry, my inner nerd got the better of me...

(Wrong decade of football for a start, and it wouldn't scan as well either)

[url=

Doyle[/url]

[url=

personal fave[/url]

[url=

Ted - The Beast[/url]

RichPenny - Member

That would be an ecumenical matter

Absolutely ! I try to use it at least once a day 🙂

+1 all the above.
What a brilliant show.

Father Jack... "Arse Biscuits !!"...

Father................I killed a man