[u]Firstly dont take this the wrong way readers, im all for you people having them and enjoying your life, this post is about us,,,,

All of our friends have them, alot of you seem to have them…

But the good lady and I like our current life, biking, wakeboarding, holidays, partys, a few quid left at the end of the month etc etc.
This isnt a we ae not ready thing here, its a we are at the age where its now or never (40ish) Everyone (our mates and family) keep saying oh you must, its the best thing to happen to us, you will regret it if you dont etc etc. When all we can think is, “if you’ve never had it then you won’t miss it” and most of you lot were quite misrable and boring before you had kids anyway and now your just skint and look tired to boot… Anyone gone past the point of no return and still enjoying life or anyone else out there in our boat and not into the whole kid thing????

But the good lady and I like our current life, biking, wakeboarding, holidays, partys, a few quid left at the end of the month etc etc.

Will you just BOG OFF! 👿

(father of 3)

Case closed……………

In the interests of full disclosure, we’ve got one, hoping for a second. However, good friends of ours are now mid forties, they knew from way back that kids weren’t for them and lead happy, fulfilled lives. Each of them is a godparent and they enjoy those ties, but yeah, basically are enjoying the life they want.

I sometimes think its not that they ‘didn’t want’ kids (a negative ‘do not want’ kind of thing), but rather that they didn’t ‘want’ kids (more that the desire for them was never there, so why do it… ). Accept that this sentence badly written and astoundingly unclear and therefore prob meaningless. Will try to ponder and rewrite, but bath time is approaching and play dough doesn’t get itself out of carpet…

But the good lady and I like our current life, biking, wakeboarding, holidays, partys, a few quid left at the end of the month etc etc.

Enjoy. Although it sounds like you’re trying really hard to justify something that you don’t really have to.

when i get home kimbers jr (18mths)will be waiting for his hug before he goes to sleep

I miss my partying, late nights, cinema and chillaxing, and mtbing and snowboarding is less frequent for sure

but in the end hugs ftw!

They should get a carbon footprint rebate. Only fair.

Me, mid forties now, never felt any desire to breed, don’t regret not having any dependants, and enjoy the freedoms that all my friends have given up, happy days…

Xterramac, me and the wife are the same. No think you very much. As for a hug when you get home, we’ve got a dog. He’s not going to throw a tantrum years down the line saying he hates us and wishes he’d never been born.

you sound like me, even down to the wakeboarding.

We had our first just over a year ago, and to be honest having kids is not better than not having kids, and not having kids is not better than having kids. They’re just two different things.

I think you can lead just as happy and fulfilled life without kids and you can with, so if you think you dont want them, then dont have them.

BTW – I still go wakeboarding…

we’ve got a dog. He’s not going to throw a tantrum years down the line saying he hates us and wishes he’d never been born.

No. For that you need a cat.

He’s not going to throw a tantrum years down the line saying he hates us and wishes he’d never been born.

He’ll eat your feet when you’ve died alone too. 😉

Me,mid forties late thirties now, never felt any desire to breed, don’t regret not having any dependants, and enjoy the freedoms that all my friends have given up, happy days…

I now have a nephew (18 months) who I feel moderately (surprisingly) fond of, but I can still only manage about 20 minutes in his prescence without remembering exactly why I never have wanted, and never want to, have kids. Fortunately the missus feels exactly the same.

We should get a carbon footprint rebate. Only fair.

Yup!

Ok… so I had never really wanted kids, nothing at all against them, was just going through my life like you, enjoying biking, snowboarding, kayaking. Loved the fact that I could buy the toys I wanted. Was due to have the mortaguage paid off before I was 50…

…then I met a guy with two kids!

Now I have to admit that I am wondering. Its not that I have had a sudden change of heart, just that it looks like my future has changed to a future that will revolve around kids anyway, so I may as well add my own to the mix. If I’m honest (really, really honest) I think that if my partner didn’t have kids, then I would be happy to carry on without 😕 but being around his two I can also see what they can bring to life.

For what its worth I think it is great that you have a partner who feels the same way as you do, as above – enjoy it!!

EDIT: LOL @ donald

Some people I know have managed to maintain having a life when they have kids but most don’t seem to do it very well (some kids seem very demanding and others are pretty chilled and easy to look after). Of course most say that your life becomes your kids and are very happy with that.

The elephant in the room is that I bet quite a few people think ‘I love my kids but on balance I wish I hadn’t had them’ – but would never say it as it would sound pretty hurtful to the kids and is a hard thing to admit to yourself.

Some friends of mine have admitted as much to me, but I doubt they are the only ones.

If you haven’t got kids then you just won’t understand the feelings they generate in you as a parent. Yes you lose sleep, money, hair when you have them, but those are really not essentials are they. Mine are all grown up and away from home now but whenever we meet up together I just thank god that I was blessed with them. You will never have such great riding buddies.

But if you don’t want them, fair enough, good luck to you!

I wonder how many people actually wanted kids when they found out they were going to have their first?

Love biking, holidays, partying, weekends away,snowboarding and many more things, love doing all these with my mates and my wife..oh and also my 3 kids ages 8,14 and 18, what I’m trying to say is all that can carry on ,its just getting the balancing act right , and I’ve now got three kids to choose which home I may end up in!!!! All I will say from my experience ,those who go the childless route end up spending more time alone doing things just as a couple as they drift away from their friends with children, you do have less in common as more have children.whatever choice you make i am sure it will be the correct one for you.

I’m 39 and I never used to think about getting serious with someone and having kids. Now I do.

Approaching 40 and no kids. In a relationship for the last 3 years with two of hers under 8.

Great, great kids, love them to bits, but I have to say, the incessant trips to the blummin park to have footballs kicked at my face and wrenching my body into spasms trying to get maximum speed on the ziplines are something I only half miss now that we have recently split up.

My personal freedom took a massive nosedive when they came into my life, and although many times were magic, I think eventually the pressure from her to do the ‘family thing’ and turning my back on my kayaking and biking and adventurous past led to a lot of unhappiness for me.

I see some families together and I envy their sense of unity and closeness, but I also see some parents at the end of their tether, looking knackered and old before their time and basically having to more or less completely forget themselves for the foreseeable.

I’d imagine that its when you get real old that kids would be a blessing. I’ll have to pay someone to wipe my bum now…

[troll]
If you don’t have kids it’s only fair you should pay double tax or forgo your national pension and any nhs or social services after 60.

Onion population and all that.
[/troll]

Sometimes I look at people I know who have no kids and I get a bit jealous; they have more time, more freedom, more disposable income than me.

Sometimes though, I look at them and think is that all you’ve got?

I’ve done enough stuff on my bike to write a book about, raced here and in Europe, still racing now, do a lot of what I want, mostly when I want to, and have 3 kids who are all growing into new people.

If you’ve not got kids, what’s your excuse?

Have complete respect for my friends who have decided not to have kids because they really do not feel the desire to have them.

Less so for those who really don’t but feel obliged/pressurised from whatever direction and then seem to spend their lives taking it out on the kids.

I have 2 boys 13 & 15 and they have been, and still are, the best thing I have ever done (assuming Mrs Cat is telling the truth!). Maybe we got lucky but they are really good lads. And it has been brilliant fun.

Perhaps if more people were as honest as the OP then there may be fewer unwanted kids about (used in the most general sense).

i often wonder if the people who go on and on about how “having children is the best thing you can do blah blah” are just unwilling to admit that their life is crap now, because you cant undo having kids can you?

no kids for me thanks, too many people on the planet already if you ask me

I turned 40 this year and I’ve no desire to reproduce. Never have.

I’ve heard all the clichés, “ooh it’s different when they’re yours” and “you will when you’re older” and all that. But I think, fundamentally, whatever gene or instinct or whatever that makes people feel paternal, I simply don’t have. I’ve got friends who’ve spent thousands trying to conceive and whilst I feel for them I think that, on reflection, personally I’d rather have a motorbike, or go on a relaxing holiday, or go to Download.

There’s occasions where I think it might be kinda cool, y’know, usually when I’m trying to justify buying Lego for myself or something. It’s a bit like, I think having an elephant would be kinda cool too, but I don’t really want one.

We’ve gone down the electing not to have kids route. Essentially neither of us ever felt very paternal – enjoy having niece/nephews but no more.

The problem with this topic (not unlike religious conversations between believers and non-belivers) is that discussion always gets very tribal between the haves and haves not. Friends can’t just accept our decision and “want to persuade us we are wrong” and I can hear myself becoming increasingly vitriolic in response. Just live and let live and realise we are all different and have different priorities and feelings.

The only thing I would say – my friends with kids are busy people being great parents – as a childless couple be just as busy filling the time with meaningful stuff you choose to do and don’t slowly slide into being a lazy arse. And don’t eat all the disposable income and become a fat childless couple!

Smiththemainman that’s where I disagree you can’t carry on the way it was, it has to change. you can’t both go MTBing together, go on scuba diving holidays together. That isn’t possible it takes a huge shift/change in lifestyle.

why do you need an excuse to not have kids? It’s everyone’s individual choice. i’m sick of people saying “ooo you should be having kids at your age”, no I shouldn’t. What I do in my life is not dictated by what society “says” I should be doing at this age. The majority of people I know who have children, constantly moan about lack of money, always saying they are jealous about my holidays, look constantly knackered. I’m financially secure, love my holidays, bike when I want, and do what the heck I like! I’m happy without kids, good luck to those who have them as I wouldn’t want to spend my time doing that shizzle 😆

Just to add – for us , life after kids isnt vastly different to life before kids. We do the same things pretty much (biking, snowboarding, wakeboarding, holidays etc), the main change is that we cant go out in the evenings like we used to, everything else we still do.

However some people I know have completely changed, and no longer do any of the things they used to do.

WHo knows why its so different for them, I guess they dont want to do the things they used to do any more.

And I definately disagree with the oft quoted phrase that ‘having kids is the best thing you can do’, as it kind of tries to belittle anyone thta hasnt had kids. Do whatever you think will make you happy, if thats not having kids then cool.

I’ve recently broken up with my long term girlfriend over this. I just don’t have the desire to have kids. Certainly not going to make such a life changing commitment because it’s expected, all my friends are, the next step, normal, etc, etc. Maybe things will change, maybe not, happy with the status quo.

Well done to those that do. Well done to those that don’t.

One thing though….. It would be nice to sit in the pub and feel like I was don’t have to defend this point of view. I wouldn’t dream of suggesting you might be happier if you didn’t have your kids, so leave out the “you don’t know what you’re missing/you’ll change your mind once you have them” self validation weirdness!

It’s a choice.

It’s for some people and not for others. I find it odd that some people are so insistant that you should have kids. Why? I’m pretty sure it would make me fing miserable and what kind of a basis is that for bringing another life into the world?

Its odd that having kids should be seen as the default setting. The world would be a better place if many people committed a bit more thought to the decision.

Some great posts and honest feeling coming out, thanks its all really greatly recived.

We’ve both done heaps of stuff with our lives already and still there so much more we are doing and want to do..
If we had kids and waited to do it “when they leave home” (as so many of our mates say they will)we would be too bloody old..
Also a few people tell use how they “just give the kids to the folks for the weekend if theres something they really want to do” which strikes me as abit odd, why did you have them if you dont want them full time?

As with most things i guess its horses for courses and everyones different, but one thing does strike me from all this, we are not alone, so thankyou singletrackers.

I’m now just about an ’empty nester’ and it’s awful!! 😯

Best thing I ever did was stop working 80+ hours a week.

Having a child is a doddle and filled with free time compared with that.

It suits some people, some people are really paternal and feel the need to breed. Personally I don’t, and I’m lucky to have found a lady to spend my life with who agrees that it’s not for her either. We were both pretty clear on this from the early part of our relationship so it’s not like one forced it on the other. She has 2 sisters who both have daughters and while she loves them, she has no interest in creating our own little version of us.

It’s a life choice that seriously upsets my Mum, as I’m an only child. But I’m not going to have kids just keep her happy.

Families can be the greatest most rewarding things for some and a source of pain and anguish for others, why feel compelled into doing it if you don’t really want to? By the same token, if you love it then fair play to you.

i turned 44 about a month ago. never wanted to be a breeder either.
my gf’s 5 years younger and feels exactly the same. lots of our friends are getting married/having kids these days. good for them, that’s what they want but it’s not for us and that’s fine. there’s nothing necessarily wrong with either way.

Best thing I ever did was stop working 80+ hours a week.

Having a child is a doddle and filled with free time compared with that.

Ha ha, a man I can relate to 😆

I used to cringe when people would say to me how much effort a kid requires, and they have to get up at 5am every morning.

Being in the office for 5am every morning looking after a petulant fortune 500 child until midnight is no easy task either. Now that I’m working in house and keeping steady office hours for the moment (rarely over 50 per week unless something is on), I genuinely wonder what people who work 9-5 fill the rest of their day with….but then i realised…kids! 🙂

On the up side, now I’m leading a more normal life, kids are actually an option.

39 this year and never had any strong urges to father a child. Quite the opposite, truth be told. That said, Mrs Removed is now four months gone, and I’m quite excited. Really would never have bothered if she hadn’t been insistent!

We had a good few barnies about it, during which I was completely candid about my (lack of) feelings about kids, but we were already married, so needless to say I just did what I was told 😀

Anyone gone past the point of no return and still enjoying life or anyone else out there in our boat and not into the whole kid thing

Pretty much – me and Mrs TJ are now 51 no kids and one now really would be a bit of a suprise / disaster

I really never wanted one – Julie was not bothered at all. We did get it clear and out in the open when we got back together after splitting up

Many of the things I like do do simply would not be possible if we had kids – and I like my life

So do what is right for you – but think it thru carefully cos its a fairly irrevocable decision. I know quite a few childless folk my age

I’m finding this thread to be remarkably sane and sensible.

What’s gone wrong?

The people posting aren’t all tired and irritable because they have kids.

(Is that better Spin?!)