The elephant in the room is that I bet quite a few people think ‘I love my kids but on balance I wish I hadn’t had them’

I bet they don’t, honestly.

I think it’s good that these days people don’t feel under pressure, not like in the old days. 😉 It’s not right for everyone.

Your life does change and it will change you as a person.

Going off at a slight tangent, I have absolutely no desire to be a grandparent. So … if my adult kids are reading this … if you want any you’ll have look after ’em yerself cos I’ll be too busy riding my bike!

I don’t want kids…and I have three. 😥

For me I need to pass my gene to the next generation because that is my tradition or responsibility. The problem is that no female, so far, is willing to be impregnated by me in order to combine my genes with hers to produce the next generation. In other words, someone to look after you when you’re old.

To OP if you’re a man of science then your consideration does not compute with your rationality. i.e. you’re happy and your calculation of your present happiness/life does not require you to change so why bother to pass on your DNA?

If you’re are a man of god then what is your purpose of playing god? i.e. creating another being knowing that you will bring suffering to him/her if you’re not up to the task to provide him/her a good living.

I bet they don’t, honestly.

What are you basing that on? I’m basing it on what my friends said and some interviews I’ve read – and I bet many people would feel uncomfortable admitting to it.

Here’s some though if you don’t believe me:

http://www.secret-confessions.com/hate/hate-being-a-mom
http://childfreedom.blogspot.co.uk/2011/04/i-regret-having-kids.html

I’m not saying having kids is wrong, I’m just saying the general view is slightly skewed because people are unwilling to say certain things.

For me I need to pass my gene to the next generation because that is my tradition or responsibility. The problem is that no female, so far, is willing to be impregnated by me in order to combine my genes with hers to produce the next generation.

Wow!

For me I need to pass my gene to the next generation because that is my tradition or responsibility. The problem is that no female, so far, is willing to be impregnated by me in order to combine my genes with hers to produce the next generation

Have you tried telling your lady friends this?

Spin – Member

Have you tried telling your lady friends this?

So far no because I haven’t met any yet … 🙄

Oh ya … Tradition can also be referred to good family life with the children looking after you in your old age. A security of some sort rather than relying on the state. … and to pass down inheritance … 😆

I have two kids, love them to bits and absolutely the right decision for us. I have found it really hard for the last few years to keep up mtbing and social life generally – some seem to manage it, we have struggled a bit. Getting easier now ( youngest is 1, oldest 2) – but I’d be lying if I said I never looks at some of my mates’ lives and envy their freedom. I’d suggest that many folk who have them go through some strong feelings, and there are times when I have found it really hard – I suspect many folk go through feelings of regret, but I’d also suspect that most get through that and are happy with their decision in the long run.

For the OP, all I’d say is that unless you feel compelled to have kids I wouldn’t recommend it – no-one will know how you’ll feel in 10 years about your decision, but your guess will be bett than ours!

43 this year and still no desire to be a parent whatsoever!

Having kids truly transformed my materialistic side. I used to enjoy throwing money at all sorts of activities but now I’m skint I really appreciate the simpler things and am happier and healthier for it.
If you don’t want kids, crack on, no skin off my nose.

Sounds like ‘Dave’ really appreciates his kids, forgot one of them and left them at the pub when he left to go home!!! If that was a single parent on Income Support the papers would be baying for his blood, but as it’s good old DC they take a lighthearted view. 😯

It would be good if the ‘make the choice’ gene would pass on to the next generation more often.

Plenty of feral kids around here.

Must be a bit stressful to be an only child of an only child (you get the idea) and not want kids.

‘Are you willing to be impregnated by me in order to combine my genes with yours to produce the next generation’ usually works a treat for me. Esp when I tell her I need to pass my gene to the next generation because that is my tradition.

I have loads of money and can do whatever I like, whenever I like. My life is great. I wish I had children though, I would swap it all for the chance to be a good father.

those who have no desire to be parents, did you have a difficult childhood? do you get on with your parents? are they separated? would be interested to know if there’s a correlation.

I’ve been a father now for four weeks, I can see how it will be difficult to have the life I had before, but it’s about making time. unfortunately society puts a lot of pressure on parents to make their child the centre of their universe and if they don’t do certain things or give their child particular things then they’re bad parents… guilt is a challenge.
not having kids would be the easy option… but the bond you feel with your child and the way that their every breath, every movement excites you brings new meaning to your life. once you’ve grown up and become an adult, found a career, found a home, having a child gives your life purpose and direction. some people need that, some people don’t.

would be interested to know if theirs a correlation

Do you expect there to be?

I doubt it’s that simple.

Most of you lot would be rubbish parents anyway so good job really 😉

Edit: coming from a bitter and twisted father of two boys.

I don’t want kids. And got sterilised to make sure it never happens ‘by accident’

Why? Not because I’m too selfish to give up my lifestyle….although that is a bonus of the situation, for sure. More because I’d be a crap mother and think it is far better that the gene pool stops right here.

I’d never want to subject a child to having me as a mother.

EDIT – as pointed out by rewski!

brakes – Member

those who have no desire to be parents, did you have a difficult childhood? no

do you get on with your parents?

yes

are they separated?

no

that goes for both of us.

Just do not have that desire to procreate. Its just not there in my psyche. In an earlier era I would have had children no doubt and made a decent job of it – but my generation got a meaningful choice with effective contraception available

I enjoy being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it, I do not wish to have anyone dependent on me, I believe the world is overpopulated and having children is irresponsible and the most un green thing you can do just about.

too much of what I do in my life would be impossible if I had kids

not having kids would be the easy option.

Not so – especially for women – you come under pressure all the time to have kids. Having kids is the easy decision to take – to decide not to have them is a hard decision that you often get challenged on

Do you expect there to be?

not really, but it might be one explanation.

those who have no desire to be parents, did you have a difficult childhood? do you get on with your parents? are they separated?

A very positive No,Yes,No. Curiously my male friends for whom having a family of their own is most important would answer yes,no,yes.

not having kids would be the easy option…

I disagree with you there. Having a child is still the next step expected of married couples by society. Making the decision to not have a child from the off (rather than not being able to have a child) to me at least felt like the harder decision to make.

Father of two aged 10 & 16.

Have they limited what we could do? Yes.
Have they given us other things to do? Yes.
I’ve taught both to ride bikes. The 10yr old was helping build trails at the weekend. We ski together, laugh together and have fun together, and I hope that’s always the way.

Have my wife and I grown apart a bit through this process? Yes 🙁
Do I regret the kids at all? Not for a moment.
Would I criticise those who haven’t got them? No, and there really is no need to justify your decision

ok, the decision might not be easier, but not having children is.

I was in your position at 37.

3 weeks before our wedding my wife dropped the bombshell that she had changed her mind, she now wanted a baby!

I felt betrayed, as like you I was SURE I didn’t want to lose my life or money. After a hellish 12 months I took myself for counselling to try and get over my feelings (I can only describe these as the blackest of moods 🙁 )

Fast forward to now and I am 41 with a beautiful 18 month old boy.

And as everybody who has a child knows, I WAS WRONG!! It truly is the best thing you will ever do in your life.

It has also knocked nearly all the selfishness out of me.

But you are also right. What you haven’t had you won’t miss….

oxytocin is a marvellous thing -without the human race would have died out long ago as everyone killed their screaming brats off 🙂

..

Mugboo – your post sums up how I think most couples seem to work – the woman of the house chooses if it will be childless or not and the man eventually falls in line 🙂 I’m quite convinced us men are preprogrammed to be happy enough with our lot and would describe it as the right decision no matter which way it went!

You did also get a tiny bit preachy there – it’s the best thing YOU have done in YOUR life- please don’t try to pass judgement on how others feel/might feel.

I’ve got 2 kids one nearly four and an 18 month old. It’s bloody hard work but great. I/we wanted it though. If you and your missus don’t want it don’t do it. But make that your choice and live with it. I’m not saying you’ll regret it, I don’t want to preach, but if you think about it in later life you could start to regret. So make your decision and live by it.

Enjoy your non blood shot eyed life!!

I think you decide early on in life if having kids is for you. I knew when i hit my late teens i wanted to have kids and looked forward to being called Dad one day, glad i waited though, because………..

I never met Claire until i was 28, i soon realised she would one day be my wife, we both wanted kids and when we got married on 28.11.09, we wasted no time practising 😉

Inevitably she fell pregnant and on 06.11.10 she gave birth to a healthy baby boy! – Jamie 🙂

We love him to bits, would’nt change him for the world.

The flip side is:

I love biking!

Not just the adrenaline rushes of pelting downhill, but the escape from reality, time to unwind and forget about the stresses of general day to day life. Plus the bonus of the banter with good mates en-route and during – makes it all the better.

The mates and i used to go regular and it is harder to go now at the drop of a hat.

Hoping that the arrival of No. 2 in mid November does’nt mean my trusty Nomad will gather dust at the back of the shed!

To be continued……………………………

I’d like to echo the ‘surprised at a remarkably sensible thread so far’ sentiment. Well done STW (unless someone posted something toxic while I was typing this, in which case, ‘typical bloody STW atttude, blah blah etc.’) 😉

It irritates me every time someone evangelises having children as some eudaimonia, swiftly followed by the implication (or explicit accusation) that you are some kind of dysfunctional being if you are childless.

Up until three years ago, I was firmly in the ‘happy with my life and kids would disrupt this too much’ camp. I’d emigrated to the USA and the world was my lobster, lots of hobbies, travel, money and stuff to do.

Things changed, I got divorced at 35, met a new woman and got married again. I am happier than I’ve ever been (my wife rocks). The marriage gave me three wonderful stepchildren – two boys and a girl. Our boys are now 12 and 17, our girl is 15. Obviously it was a bit of a game changer with respect to freedom to travel etc. but it changed my perspective on kids completely.

I’d previously been very happy looking after friends’ children, but happier still to give them back at the end of the day once they’d been stroppy/demanding/etc. Actually living with my own new kids let me push through that barrier and build a relationship with them so that even though they still do annoying things and play up from time to time, I experience it and react to it differently.

I think I’m one of those who has the parenting gene and definitely had a switch flipped once I’d spent a little time building our new family. I’m in full-on nurturing mode and take every opportunity to help the kids grow and learn in whatever they are doing.

My stepchildren inspired me so much that the missus and I decided to have a brand spanking new one of our own 8) I’m 38, she’s 43 and we were trying for 18 months before she got pregnant.

A bouncing baby boy is due around 4th July and we are all well chuffed and can’t wait.

My best mate and his wife are resolutely ‘no kids’ and I respect them for it completely. They are perfect ‘aunt and uncle but not a real aunt and uncle’ material and they are looking forward to coming over for dinner, winding our new kid up just before bedtime and leaving us to deal with a hyper kid and a pile of dishes as they leave smiling, off to light candles and shag all over their house (or go wakeboarding or whatever people without kids do). Just what I used to do to my mates. Happy days.

Wow, I carried on a bit. Soz for the long post. OP, go with the flow and don’t worry about it. Nobody can tell you how you should feel about this – carry on having fun, live life and see what the wind brings.

Not for me .
I hated being a child and wouldnt want to put anyone else through that.
No one would want to have children with me anyway .
Will I regret it? Don’t know , doubt it though .
Enjoy the freedom and lifestyle I have now.
If I could find a lady who doesnt want kids and who would put up with me that would be even better . but thats not going to happen either.

I’ve never felt the desire to have kids at all. Mind you, it’s just as well as I can’t anyway!

Rachel

singletrackmind – Apt username 😉

I’ve never felt the desire to have kids at all. Mind you, it’s just as well as I can’t anyway!

Rachel

Did a Rachel Mess you up too?
They can be mena those Rachels.

Yeah – those Rachels are well known for people messing up the [ quote ] tags??

grr – well if people will insist on editing their typos!

I’m 34 and have no desire as yet to have kids. I’m fairly sure that I never will (but you never know). For one thing I don’t like the idea of pregnancy and childbirth at all. And I struggle to fit everything in as it is. I can’t imaging having kids and doing my current job so it would need a big change in my life to make everything work. And I’m just not maternal, I’m barely even domesticated! Being stuck in the house with a baby would be my worst nightmare.

I love my nephews to bits but I’m always glad to hand them back and have no responsibility going beyond the fun bits.

I think my family wouldn’t be surprised, but OH’s family have started making noises (he’s an only child). I haven’t discussed it with him directly, although if he’s missed the hints then he doesn’t know me as well as he thinks! To be honest it’s been hard enough convincing myself that I can enjoy being in a relationship without feeling trapped, and so far I’ve not let him move in because I need space so I think he knows that children aren’t on the agenda at the moment!

deffo NOT a breeder

LOL

brakes – Member

those who have no desire to be parents, did you have a difficult childhood? do you get on with your parents? are they separated?

no, yes, no.

same answers for my gf too.

peterfile – Member
I wonder how many people actually wanted kids when they found out they were going to have their first?

I can relate to that….

With my first wife, we had the discussion early on and decided we’d not be having children. One thing and another, we split up.

With my second wife, we decided we would have children. We tried for a few years and then gave up hope when it just wasn’t happening. I guess neither of us were that bothered, so we didn’t consider treatment/assistance. Lo and behold, Mrs druidh is suddenly pregnant. I was devastated and went into a real depression over how my life was going to have to change and was ruined.

Fast forward a bit and I’m actually getting excited about the whole thing, but still reticent. I recall going to one of these pre-natal session with other dads-to-be and we had to chat about how we felt. I was the only one coming up with negatives! Once my daughter was born though, that was it. Any doubts I had were put to the back of my mind and I fell into that into of love you get when you are first infatuated with someone.

Did my life change? Of course it did! However, I can’t say I’ve been much less active as a parent than I was previously – PLUS I have a wonderful daughter!!

We’ve three teenagers (one starting GCSE’s, one in an apprenticeship and the eldest at college), and if nothing else happy we had them when we were younger – unlike friends who are only having their first, in their 40’s…

Can’t think really of anything they stopped us doing, we’d having only spent the cash on more expensive holidays/cars etc.

Mine all ride, and all are quicker downhill them me – but I’m still quicker up 🙂

Funny thread – lots of middle aged people justifying why they missed the boat.

Such a shame.