Your dating rules

This has been really useful / enlightening to read, as a female who has kind of given up again after decades of bad luck / bad choices / not great self belief.

The honesty thing is so true, and just basic decency & mutual respect.

After an 8 year relationship ended catastrophically in 2017 (due to a spectacular example of gobsmacking dishonesty but there were other issues in the background and it was better off ending..) I had a couple of terrible years of bad mental health, but got into bikes & back into going to gigs (which basically saved me).

Got counselling a couple of times which really helped, and am probably now in about as good a place as I’ve ever been, feeling a lot stronger, really very self sufficient & cope okay mostly with being single. But… it’d be nice to meet someone.

In the last 4 years I have only met (through friends) 2 nice guys who were both very keen & positive, proper bike guys, honest & really funny, supportive, got on amazingly well.

But both are a big distance away so it was mostly virtual chatting or phone calls.

I definitely think I was being too cautious (having been hurt really badly before). And basically missed the boat – one of them got back with an ex who lived locally during lockdown. He’s still someone I have a lot of love for, think of him as a really good friend. He’s always great if I need help with the bikes & has picked me up a few times when I was down.

The other is very much confusing at the moment……we’ve been talking regularly for a year, talked really openly about everything in life & there was talk of it basically being a relationship or having the potential to be one. But after summer his ex was having quite serious problems and he asked if we could cool it down for a bit as she’d get really devastated if he was dating..

We met up for a platonic drink a few weeks ago in early December and he seemed really keen again after that for about a week or so, said he was sorting out the situation with the ex – then he backed off and went very quiet.. he’s got fairly complicated family responsibilities and I understand that, it’s Xmas and a difficult time for them.

But it’s a bit confusing..I suppose if I was honest and just asked him what is what that might be better?! But don’t want to pile on pressure over Xmas when he’s already got quite a bit going on with family & the ex.

Didn’t mean to ramble this much, only being this confessional because nobody on here knows me!! (I hope!!!).

BUT – I agree with whoever said don’t be too cool or cautious, if you get on really well & both like each other go for it, don’t let the moment pass by. You’ll regret it if they move on (or backward).

I’m really not keen on trying online dating after doing the whole thing about 20 years ago, after I was divorced, felt like it was a waste of time and depressing – but if any sites are better than others these days, let me know!

I hate resolutions and taking stock and all that expectation bollocks at this time of year – but maybe 2023 is the year to really give it a go. I’m not getting any younger & there’s adventures in life still to be had, I very much hope!

And good luck to all of you still looking too 🙂

If you’ve been honest as to what you want, and the person you are interested in knows this, step away if they are unwilling to step up to meet your expectations.

I’ve leant the hard way that anything else just isn’t worth your mental health.

You sound like you know what you want, dating sites just let you see more people, possibly in our cases to the point where you realise how rare it is what you are looking for! Best of luck

@vicky gigs wouldnt be a bad place to start.

As for apps I’d go Hinge or Bumble, Bumble gives women more control, it is a numbers game though so half the time you’ll see the same people on Tinder as it seems to be the most popular.

Never underestimate the potential for some to look different from their photo, even if the photo was taken last week

Anyone over 40 with Snapchat, get a grip!

Snapchat

Get a grip

I thought that was what it was for!

A friend on another group posted a link to a FB group called “Singles MTB Dating UK” – I have no idea what it’s like, she seemed keen to try it in the new year

My criteria

1. A pulse

Fussy bastard.

A friend on another group posted a link to a FB group called “Singles MTB Dating UK” – I have no idea what it’s like, she seemed keen to try it in the new year

389 members. I genuinely wish them (all) luck, but I fear it’ll be 95% men and half of them will have “MTB” as their surname.

My criteria

1. A pulse

Fussy bastard.

@Cougar

Laughed my head off at that

I thought that was what it was for!

😂

Far too many straight laced people on here who don’t know how to have fun, that’s for sure… Glad I’m not dating most of them, and feel for those that get to!

my rules….

no tattoos
no weird piercings

I thought half the fun of dating was finding out where the tattoos and piercings were, and how much they added to the “experience”…? 🤔

My last girlfriend still shared a house with her husband and all I seemed to hear about was how he didn’t pull his weight around the house. It felt like I was dating him as well as her and it dragged me down to a point I had to walk away. There were options, they could have lived more separate lives, but looking back I don’t think either of them were really over their relationship. I won’t do that again.

Thing is Mister-P, as you’ve experienced, this is the inevitability and in my experience a best case scenario… All other potential scenarios are much worse…

There are a good chunk of perfectly dateable and honest women (and, obviously, men) still living with partners that they simply cannot afford to move away from. Us 40-50-60 year old individuals with professional careers and LTV of less than 50% with a mortgage that we took out 15 years ago are lucky, even though it might not seem like it.

You do you… I have more self esteem than to let someone else’s failed relationship continue to destroy my potential future ones. If people remain under the same roof for “financial reasons” once a relationship has ended, then the relationship hasn’t really ended and they’re not really ready to move on. If, like with my GF her ex was dossing under her roof and pleading poverty, scrounging off her good nature and pulling at their kids’ heart strings not to throw him out, well I had total sympathy for her but at the same time had too much self respect to put myself through it, so gave her an ultimatum… Thankfully she responded well to it, and the following morning applied for social housing on his behalf (the guy has been a burden of the state for nearly a decade now, can barely leave the house let alone work, chronic alcoholic to the point I am genuinely surprised he is still alive and he’s not yet 50, chronic emphacaema through chain smoking his entire life, you get the pic but he was ruining her life still even after she’d left him!) and he was gone within the week… Judging by the number of times he’s turned up blind drunk at our house demanding to see his daughter (who is free to go and see him at any time), usually when he’s upset her too, I was 100% justified in my actions.

Life is short… Don’t waste it being being someone else’s secondary concern!

I’m really not keen on trying online dating after doing the whole thing about 20 years ago

It’s far more normal now and a lot less taboo. Most people meet their partners this way now, to rule it out is like ruling out going to the pub 20yrs ago! Obviously there’s sites that people use primarily for “pickups” rather than serious dating, and I’d try and avoid these, but dip your toe in the water and give it a fresh chance, I think you’ll be surprised how much better it is these days than it was 2 decades ago, albeit the same old rules still apply about not getting drawn in by serial pickup artists or charity cases etc…

A friend on another group posted a link to a FB group called “Singles MTB Dating UK” – I have no idea what it’s like, she seemed keen to try it in the new year

It always staggers me the amount of single people I meet in cycling that the only thing they have in their lives is cycling, and have deemed that they need any potential suitor to be as into cycling as they are… Yet at the same time I am not staggered by their lack of success finding potential suitors!

Do you really want to live in each others pockets, not have any free time from one another? Are you that dull that cycling is the only thing you have in your life that you couldn’t possibly be interesting to someone else otherwise?!?!

Those who know me personally will think I am being somewhat ironic given my current GF’s love of cycling and that she rides more than I do, and my ex GF being madly passionate about it to the point it has taken over her life! The thing was, before meeting either of them, neither were cyclists, and I did nothing to actively encourage their participation either… They both just got into it of their own accord, and I have helped and encouraged where I could, but also been keen to help them find their own passions away from mine too (both heavily into road cycling, where I’m more of an MTBer)…

The only way I’d say that having my GF a keen cyclist helps is her understanding that you need time out from each other at times, time to enjoy your own thing on your own or with friends away from the relationship, ironically it’s often on 2 wheels for both of us but individually rather than together.

389 members. I genuinely wish them (all) luck, but I fear it’ll be 95% men and half of them will have “MTB” as their surname.

Many years spent online dating, 3+ decades MTBing and cycling in general, nearly 2 decades working in the cycle trade, have owned my own shop, been a pivotal figure in cycling clubs etc etc… I’d be gobsmacked if the ratio was as favourable as 95% male to 5% female… 99 to 1 would probably be more like it!

Setting yourself up for a fall if you’re looking for someone specifically who’s into cycling IMO… It’s such a rare occurrence that it almost never happens, but not only that, it can cause significant rifts in friendship groups as and when a breakup occurs (been there, done that) and there is an expectation for people to choose sides (thankfully me and my ex got to an amicable point fairly quickly, and remain so now).

Put it this way… If they make you smile, you like looking at them, you’re happy to wake up next to them in the same bed and you’re pretty sure they’d genuinely look after you if anything serious ever happened to you that required it, then does it bloody matter if they don’t like cycling?!?! 🤷🏻‍♂️ As long as they’re not proactively stopping you from doing it that is…

@Cougar

Laughed my head off at that

😁

It always staggers me the amount of single people I meet in cycling that the only thing they have in their lives is cycling, and have deemed that they need any potential suitor to be as into cycling as they are… Yet at the same time I am not staggered by their lack of success finding potential suitors!

You could probably say that of any hobby TBH. It’s good to have common interests, but having one interest to the exclusion of everything else isn’t healthy regardless of dating.

I had a job interview last week, I was asked what my hobby was and in a mild panic I blurted out “I collect hobbies.”

You could probably say that of any hobby TBH

Absolutely!

I had a job interview last week, I was asked what my hobby was and in a mild panic I blurted out “I collect hobbies.”

I’ve used words to that effect before too… Got too many hobbies that I don’t have enough time or money to enjoy them all is usually my response.

Makes you far more likely to be able to have a conversation over a drink with someone you’ve just met than if you only have the one thing in your life in my experience!

@Vicky very similar to me, long relationship ended had about a year of counseling to sort both self worth and some other issues.
A few dates some went further than others but a few years down the road and I’ve kind of resided being single.
Yes a relationship would be great but I also like my own space and freedom at the min.

Plus I don’t actually do anything that would involve meeting a potential partner, rule#.. no dating work colleagues etc …

Do you really want to live in each others pockets, not have any free time from one another? Are you that dull that cycling is the only thing you have in your life that you couldn’t possibly be interesting to someone else otherwise?!?!

The thing for me is that adventures by bike are how I intend to spend much of the next few years.  Little room for a non cyclist in that

The thing for me is that adventures by bike are how I intend to spend much of the next few years. Little room for a non cyclist in that

And that’s fair enough in itself, at least you know what you want, even if it’s statistically improbable…

Have you tried batting for the other side yet? Might find this approach more rewarding if you’re comfortable with the approach… 🤷🏻‍♂️😉

Well we did have morecashthandash catfishing earlier………………………………….

Well folks I hate to be the bearer of more good news but its going from strength to strength and despite trying to take things slowly.

Rule Not Rule 4 from esmz is right 🙂

Well we did have morecashthandash catfishing earlier………………………………….

You still got that tandem sweetie?

I was never particularly paranoid about my height until I tried online dating and foudn there’s a lot of people really weirdly obsessed with it. I’ve got a friend whos in broadly similar circumstances to me (early 40s, bit too into bikes, IT bod, generally nerdy) execpt that he actually enjoyed the whole process. I think your ability to get something out of those apps is fairly directly tied to your ability to not take it too seriously, play it as the numbers game that it is and so forth. If you, for whatever reason, can’t do that and find that it triggers all sorts of social anxiety and stress then it’s genuinely emotionally draining and horrible. But I’m not sure what else you’re actually meant to do instead nowadays?

Rules? I dunno what actually constitues something that isn’t just a preference or red flag to you personally. I don’t love tattos or people who don’t at least try and look after themselves a bit (which given my past is certainly somewhat ironic) but I reckon anyone of wildly difference religious/moral background would always be a challenge and if they can’t understand how the app works (hi all the woemn on bumble who want you to message first) or lack some form of basic literacy then you’re gonna struggle. Honestly, once you’ve actually met in person I reckon it’s all a bit more striaghforward.

In my 20s I used to go to a beginner’s Salsa dance class every monday. My logic was how many single women go and how many single guys go.
I never succeeded in learning to dance but I was fought over as a partner each week.

20 years later I may not be fought over quite as much.

Feels a bit underhand to fake an interest in dancing to meet women? Creep I used to work with did this.

Not sure that’s entirely underhand. I did similar in my 20s with Spanish lessons, though the mix was more 50/50. It was just a way.to meet folk and not be half cut at a bar, plus I learned something along the way.

I’ve not met anyone through Duolingo in my 40s mind.

dunno what actually constitues something that isn’t just a preference or red flag to you personally. I don’t love tattos

I think I’d find the presence or absence of tattoos far less of a turn-off than someone being judgemental about them.

Feels a bit underhand to fake an interest in dancing to meet women?

If you want to meet women (or men) you need to go to places where they might be. No?

Hell, how many people went to nightclubs in their teens / 20s (/30s)? Were we all going there for the dancing?

Crikey so many rules, LOL!

If it is meant to happen it will.

What’s creepy is scrolling through a load of photographs of women on the internet and deciding which we would and wouldn’t…
but thats the accepted method these days eh.

I would have liked to have been able to dance, alas I’m more of a raver than a ballroom dancer.

I did take a date there and luckily she could see past my inability to dance as we are 15 years in with 2 boys now.

We’re my actions any worse than the typical dolphin trainer chat up line?

But all that isn’t really advice for the OP.

So you met by accident rather than on porpoise?

Met on a porpoise. Another trainer hooked us up at cetacean trainer school

Sounds fishy. [Cetacean needed]

What’s creepy is scrolling through a load of photographs of women on the internet and deciding which we would and wouldn’t…

That’s all anyone was doing in a bar/nightclub anyway for decades before internet dating came about… Except that with online dating, if you like the pics, you are then likely to read their “about me” bit and want to find out a bit more about them…

Not sure the same could be said for most guys I know who were going to nightclubs to get drunk and get laid for the last 25yrs or so I’ve been allowed into them!

Attraction has to have a physical element to it, no point denying it. And given that physical attraction is usually a very binary yes/no thing for most people, it seems the most logical way of eliminating potential suitors in the first round…

To quote/paraphrase Oscar Wilde… “Only the shallow truly know themselves”

That’s all anyone was doing in a bar/nightclub anyway for decades before internet dating came about…

They really weren’t. Unless you took dating agency albums on your nights out.
(I do know what you’re trying to say, but its **** all like it)

If you want to meet women (or men) you need to go to places where they might be. No?

Hell, how many people went to nightclubs in their teens / 20s (/30s)? Were we all going there for the dancing?

Yes, I get that. Difference with nightclubs is that meeting men/women is the main motive for going – it’s not an ulterior motive.

Newly widowed at 57, I’m not ready for a new relationship – unless it “just happens” – but where the hell do you start?

I was with my late wife for almost 35 years, last time I was single you just went pubbing/clubbing/gigging & just saw what happened

Mind you, I was young & good looking then 😉

Bikesandboots, I think you’ve gone to town on my motives. There were drinks afterwards. The dance lessons were merely an introduction and an hour of clumsily trying to dance.

As for clubbing. It seems I’m one of the outliers who went out with the sole intention to dance.

Johndrummer, sorry to hear that.

Welcome to the club you never wanted to join Johndrummer.  There are a few of us on here and I’m in a similar place

I’m ready to start contemplating dating but not ready to actually do anything about it.  Personally I see no option but to internet dating sites.  there are few single women in my friendship group,   I rarely meet new folk so internet it will have to be.

I’m encouraged by mr Overshoots story tho

johndrummer

Newly widowed at 57, I’m not ready for a new relationship – unless it “just happens” – but where the hell do you start?

I was with my late wife for almost 35 years, last time I was single you just went pubbing/clubbing/gigging & just saw what happened

Mind you, I was young & good looking then 😉

Firstly John I’m so very sorry for your loss, I know your wife had cancer but thought it was passed in most respects 🙁

You & I are the same age now, I lost Carolyn when I was 54 her 52. We had been together 38 years with the odd break.

Firstly make sure when you think your ready to date have a bloody good think about what you are looking for! I started out not knowing what I was after so put “not sure” in that box? But it was over 3 years since Carolyn died & after 10 dates I sort of worked out I was looking for a real relationship.

Look at my original post and use that for a framework (feel free to PM me any time as there is stuff I’m not going to type here!)

I would say once you get going online (As long as you are careful) you will be surprised at how many really nice women are interested as long as you don’t look like a serial killer or some narcissist in the gym. IIRC you are NW based like me so there are some large population centres that will give you a lot of hits & good news for TJ there seems to be a lot of women from the central belt of Scotland who are looking for love? So much so I had to check that there wasn’t a town with the same name as mine in Scotland?

Anyway just be prepared to be pleasantly surprised once you are ready that is.

Like I said PM me anytime

Thanks MrOvershoot, we thought she’d beaten it but it came back, but not in its original site – she was getting mammograms once a year to try eliminate that.

Up until late summer she seemed fine, then in September she started refusing food. Late October “I don’t feel well”. Bonfire night she got up early morning to go to the bathroom & didn’t have the strength to stand up. So I called an ambulance & we took her to hospital. After a couple of days they did a CT scan, large mass in her pelvis & multiple tumours in her liver. Three weeks later she died.

I’m Leeds/Bradford so plenty of population centres – maybe too many!

So who amongst us is going to crack first and ask vickymegalith where she lives 🙂

Thanks for the painful update John. It’s early days yet my friend but don’t forget to give yourself space and if offered take whatever counselling you can get.

Like I said PM me about anything there are a fair few who have gone through losing our “life” partner at this stage in our life and just use us as a way of regaining your life without her. Much as you will desperately miss her it does get better but slowly.