[Closed] Yorkshire joke

omelettes? we don't have none of that fancy stuff up 'ere, tha noz

What do you call a pie on top of Barnsley town hall clock?

something ta eight

(funny in south yorkshire apparently) 🙂

Do you have to live in Yorkshire to get this?

Who's 'Nick Three Eggs' and why do you have to fist him to make an omelette?

There weren't any paedophiles when I was a lad, you had to buy your own sweets.

(Courtesy of Michael Mcintyre)

ROFLMAO @ grumm

+1 with the LOL at Grumm 🙂

Better than the OP 🙂

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

A Yorkshiremans dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

What do you call a sarky cowboy from Barnsley?

Tex Piss

A Bradford couple are playing 'I spy' in the kitchen.
'I spy with my little eye something beginning with T' said the husband.
"Tea pot said the wife." 'Nay Lass!'
"Tea towel." 'Nay Lass!'
"Toaster." 'Nay Lass!' he said, drumming his fingers on the work top.
"Oh I don't know" she said at long last "I give in"
'It's easy' he said. 'It's t'oven!'

A Yorkshiremans' wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "she were thin". He explodes - ****ing 'ell man, you've left the ****ing "e" out, you've left the ****ing "e" out!

The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud -

"E, she were thin".

As I used to say to a friend from York who sadly passed away a few years ago:

You can tell a Yorkshireman, but you can't tell him much!

I work in Barnsley and the word "eat" most definitely is pronounced "eight"

How are you pronouncing eight though?

ate?

eyt?

It's a play on words - "eat" is pronounced "ate". So "something to eight" refers both to the time and the eating of the pie. Probably...... 🙂

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore arseh0le asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"

LOL, please keep them coming!

Big 😆 at the arse cream joke

I Thank you,
At work we just got taken over by a Barnsley company, they all talk funny at the new Head Office (but very quaint). This is the joke being banded around by text (and I'm from North Yorkshire, nowhere near round there, it's another language/dialect, even to me).
The MD has a very strong Barnsley accent, it's difficult to take him seriously.
[url=

the bloody 'ell are you going on about?[/url]

Its funny cos its true!

Here's a classic one
[url=

Airlines[/url]

Been in YKS for ten years, its 'rayte' good

its so good even the bloke lancashire loves it

not being funny but has no-one bothered with the spelling mistake. i seem to think fisting happens darn sarf.

Post 5 - Grumm kindly pointed out the fisting. 🙂

HAhahaha at Grumms first post, very good, well done sir 🙂

I'm from yorkshire, lived in yorkshire all my life, have met some very strong accented folk, but never, ever in my time speaking to yorkshire people have i ever heard them utter the famous " t' " at the start of any words.

it just doesn't happen!

Really pook? You've never heard someone say "I'm just off to t'shop" or something like that?!

As Clarkson once said - it is more inferred than said (ie someone from Yorkshire couldn't say the band name 'The The' as it would just come out as a twitch).

But it IS alive and well - you clearly just haven't noticed it.

woody2000 - Member

Really pook? You've never heard someone say "I'm just off to t'shop" or something like that?!

ah yes - quite right. But never "it's in t'oven" when not arsing about.

It's a glottal stop, there's no T sound.

Surely Pook, you must have heard someone say
"I'll just put us tea in in t'oven"?

no, it's effectively in _oven. No T anunciated!

There is a sound though, but not distinctly a 'T'.

Wharrabout "in't th'oven"? 🙂

A Yorkshireman would never "I'm just of to t'shop" cause their all to tight to spend any money. The "T" thing is Lancashire.
Though once in a pub I did here a chap give the Yorkshire war cry when told the price of a pint "Ow much".

translate these then!
1. Intitot

2. Guizit

3. somethingsupeer

4. Gerritetten

5. Gerartnit

6. Supwidee

7. Smarrerweeim

8. Iampgorrit

9. Azeegeniter

10. Geeit mester

11. Eez gooinooam

12. Astha gorrit reight

13. Isthemum

14. Ast gorrit withy

15. Purrimineer

16. Ayampt eared nowt

17. Thalafta gerra newun

18. Eeesezazitintis – burraberritiz

19. Lerrus gerrus andswesht

20. Sumonemz gorragerroff

21. Weev gorra gerrus imbux

22. Thamus gerrit lernt

23. Shutthigob

24. Owzeeno

25. Aberritinterz

26. Eez nobutta babbi

27. Asta seenim ont telli

28. Nardendee wotardoooin

29. Corforus apostate itmornin

30. Lerrus gurrat pizchers

31. Astagorratenna

32. Eeenose nowt abartit

33. Eez gunna gerra lotta lolli forrit

34. Lerra gerontbus

35. Eedursnt purrizead undert watta

36. Eesezeantaddit

37. Oowurreewee – wuree weeizsen

38. Ateldim burreewunt lissen

39. Lerim purrizaton

40. Astle clowt thi if that dunt gioer

41. Tintintin

42. Gerarry tergithi and weeit

43. Eez gorriz attooam

44. Thawansta wesh thi eeroils aht

45. Middadz gorrajag

46. Thakkan ifthawannts

47. Tantad nowt dunnatit as I nose on

48. Cantha kumtowerowse tunneet

49. Weerz gaffa

Apparently there's a new kind of chewable ecstacy in Sheffield. It's called 'e by gum'.

translate these then!
1. Intitot=my that is extremely warm

2. Guizit= please give me it here good fellow.

3. somethingsupeer=one is thinking something is amiss.

4. Gerritetten=please eat it

5. Gerartnit=oh do please go away

6. Supwidee= (I'm assuming this is spelt wrong)=what seems to be the matter dear chap

7. Smarrerweeim=what appears to be the trouble with yonder chap

8. Iampgorrit=I'm afraid I don't have it dear fellow

9. Azeegeniter=Did that fellow give it to her

10. Geeit mester=give it the kind gent

11. Eez gooinooam=the chap is making his way to his abode

12. Astha gorrit reight=are you sure that you are correct dear fellow

13. Isthemum=It is your mother

14. Ast gorrit withy=do you have it about you person dear fellow

15. Purrimineer=put him in here

16. Ayampt eared nowt=I'm afraid I have not heard anything

17. Thalafta gerra newun=I'm afraid you'll have to replace it

18. Eeesezazitintis – burraberritiz=he denies it is his property but I am thinking to the contrary

19. Lerrus gerrus andswesht=one would like to immerse ones hands in water

20. Sumonemz gorragerroff=a select few chaps will have to alight/leave

21. Weev gorra gerrus imbux=we church going few need our pages of hymnal lyrics

22. Thamus gerrit lernt=one must be able to know it off by heart

23. Shutthigob=do please be quiet and stop speaking

24. Owzeeno=how does that chap have the knowledge

25. Aberritinterz=I am assuming that it does not belong to that dear lady

26. Eez nobutta babbi=he is an infant

27. Asta seenim ont tellihave you viewed the chap on the television

28. Nardendee wotardoooin=what is one upto

29. Corforus apostate itmornin=I would like you to call upon my person at half past the hour of eight in the morn

30. Lerrus gurrat pizchers=we shall make our way to the cinema

31. Astagorratenna=do you have ten pounds sterling about your person

32. Eeenose nowt abartit=the chap has no knowledge

33. Eez gunna gerra lotta lolli forrit=it is worth quite a sum of money

34. Lerra gerontbus=let her take public transport

35. Eedursnt purrizead undert watta=he never washes his head

36. Eesezeantaddit=he denies ever having it

37. Oowurreewee – wuree weeizsen=who was with the chap or was he alone

38. Ateldim burreewunt lissen=I informed the fellow of my opinion, which he chose to ignore it

39. Lerim purrizaton=let the fellow put on his head wear

40. Astle clowt thi if that dunt gioer=If you persist I will have to administer a sound thrashing

41. Tintintin=it would appear not to be in the metallic receptacle

42. Gerarry tergithi and weeit=(dubious spelling)=avoid giving it to you

43. Eez gorriz attooam=He has his at his abode

44. Thawansta wesh thi eeroils aht=one needs to pay more attention to what one is saying

45. Middadz gorrajag=my father drives a jaguar motor vehicle

46. Thakkan ifthawannts=It is entirely at your discretion dear fellow

47. Tantad nowt dunnatit as I nose on_ I am unaware of any tampering

48. Cantha kumtowerowse tunneet=Could one visit my abode this evening

49. Weerz gaffa =Where would your boss be at this moment

That's a lanky dialect quiz, not yaarksher.

and it does annoy me when southerners think [i][b]t'[/b][/i] goes before any noun. As has been pointed out, [i][b]t'[/b][/i] only goes before consonant - before a vowel, [i][b]th'[/b][/i] is required. In many cases, the preceding word is also followed by [i][b]'t[/b][/i]

e.g.
Am goin[i][b]'t[/b][/i] [i][b]t'[/b][/i]pub
Purrit in[i][b]'t[/b][/i] [i][b]th'[/b][/i]oven

etc etc

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to injecting ecstacy directly into their mouths. The process is known as E-by'gum.

A Yorkshireman would never "I'm just of to t'shop" cause their all to tight to spend any money. The "T" thing is Lancashire.

Is Yorkshire not in Lancashire? either that or it's part of Lancashire.

Aye lad, it's from Lancashire, where the generous and cheerful (in sharp contrast to their miserable and tight-fisted neighbours) populace can speak proper. How many Yorkshire comedians can you name? Exactly.

OK - heading across to the west of Lancashire

A man walks into a St Helens shop

"Hello I'd like to buy some turps"

"Certainly sir, would you like audio turps or video turps?"

Oh no its turning into a war of the roses!! Someone will be saying Tod is in Lancashire next!!!!

I'm from yorkshire and don't here t' often, but it almost always gets used with reference to the pub. I don't think I'd ever say anything other than "off t't'pub".

Oh, and lancashire's sheeeite.

And, while we're here, Halifax is just a satellite of Huddersfield, not a town in its own right.

Just to be pedantic, as you probably know, the War of the Roses was nothing to do with Lancashire and Yorkshire. However, us Lancastrians won. probably. Or would have if it had been a proper war.

You did kill alot of witches in Lancashire though, poor Alice Nutter.

"Hello I'd like to buy some turps"

"Certainly sir, would you like audio turps or video turps?"

Said it to myself about 10 time & don't get it, explanation please?

 

And if we're being pedantic Halifax = Minster Town, Huddersfield = Market Town. I think that calls for a ner ner ne ner ner 😛

I've calculated it based on a size/number of scallies/quality of night out basis 😉

Who said, 'From Hull, Hell and Halifax, good lord deliver me'?

You've got me on the witches. I'm from Pendle (albeit currently exiled in Cumbria), we do like a good witch hunt round there. Alice Nutter was asking for it, if you ask me. I'll bet she had a cat.

Halifax = Minster Town

Thats from the Beggars Litany by John Taylor, praise be to wikipedia!!!

Said it to myself about 10 time & don't get it, explanation please?

Everything no one ever wanted to know about Halifax!

[url= http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Halifax,_West_Yorkshire#cite_note-1 ]Happyfax[/url]

God, are we still going!? 🙂

Don't you dare insult HappyFlaps, it's a great town! 🙂

The Dalesmans Litany, FW Moorman

It's hard when fowks can't finnd their wark
Wheer they've bin bred an' born;
I were young I awlus thowt
I'd bide 'mong t' roots an' corn.
I've bin forced to work i' towns,
So here's my litany:
Frae Hull, an' Halifax, an' Hell,
Gooid Lord, deliver me!

When I were courtin' Mary Ann,
T' owd squire, he says one day:
“I've got no bield1 for wedded fowks;
Choose, wilt ta wed or stay?”
I couldn't gie up t' lass I loved,
To t' town we had to flee:
Frae Hull, an' Halifax, an' Hell,
Gooid Lord, deliver me!

I've wrowt i' Leeds an' Huthersfel',
An' addled honest brass;
I' Bradforth, Keighley, Rotherham,
I've kept my barns an' lass.
I've travelled all three Ridin's round,
And once I went to sea:
Frae forges, mills, an' coalin' boats,
Gooid Lord, deliver me!

I've walked at neet through Sheffield loans,
'T were same as bein' i' Hell:
Furnaces thrast out tongues o' fire,
An' roared like t' wind on t' fell.
I've sammed up coals i' Barnsley pits,
Wi' muck up to my knee:
Frae Sheffield, Barnsley, Rotherham,
Gooid Lord, deliver me!

I've seen grey fog creep ower Leeds Brig
As thick as bastile soup;
I've lived wheer fowks were stowed away
Like rabbits in a coop.
I've watched snow float down Bradforth Beck
As black as ebiny:
Frae Hunslet, Holbeck, Wibsey Slack,
Gooid Lord, deliver me!

But now, when all wer childer's fligged,
To t' coontry we've coom back.
There's fotty mile o' heathery moor
Twix' us an' t' coal-pit slack.
And when I sit ower t' fire at neet,
I laugh an' shout wi' glee:
Frae Bradforth, Leeds, an Huthersfel',
Frae Hull, an' Halifax, an' Hell,
T' gooid Lord's delivered me!

[url=

LAD![/url]

The Doog - Member

Oh no its turning into a war of the roses!! Someone will be saying Tod is in Lancashire next!!!!

You;re not bloody dumping it on us, it's a Yorskhire town, you can have it

Yep, they can have it. We'll have our Lake District territories back at the same time. And Manchester. Not sure about Liverpool, though.

Here in the south of course, we simply observe your charming rural eccentricities and clog-wearing banter with fond amusement of the sort one might feel for one's forelock-tugging little servants...

In the same way we observe your metropolitan eccentricities Mr W.... 😀

[img] [/img]

Yorkshire couple go on holiday to Benidorm. They pack all the Sunday dinner ingredient too as they cannot do without their beloved Yorkshire Pudding and gravy. To their horror whilst unpacking, the wife notices they have forgotten to pack the gravy granules.

“ Ere love, go next door and ask that English couple if they’ve got any Bisto granules with them” says the wife.

So off he pops next door and asks:

“Ast tha got any bisto? “ asks the Yorkshireman

“p1ss off you bl00dy Spaniard” replies the English bloke.......

Ere love, go next door and ask that English couple if they’ve got any Bisto granules with them

The wife didn't sound very Yorkshire.

The "T" thing is Lancashire.

We use it a lot in Nottinghamshire too, well at least the common end where I'm from - Sutton in Ashfield. 😀

Sutton in Ashfield makes Pendle look like Knightsbridge. (this could become a good 'insult everyone else's place of birth' thread)

I used to date a Nottinghamshire lass and goaded her regularly on her accent or lack of, i described it as a news reader accent i.e no discernable tones or inflections to suggest where they're from!!!

Could be worse. We could be from Stook! (Stoke for the less well travelled) Now that's a shocking accent. Works by speaking but not actually opening your mouth.

Love from Bedrock (Born in Brum, Halifax for life)

examples of the 't' thing - as i've learned to interpret them...

as off t' pub = i'm going to the pub

its in '' fridge (the t is there, but silent) = it's in the fridge.

(a midlander, of scottish, yorkshire, west country ancestors)

as off t' pub = i'm going to the pub

its in '' fridge (the t is there, but silent) = it's in the fridge.

These are the same. Using your " symbol for the silent glottal stop (tiny pause) they are each

- I'm off to " pub

- It's in " fridge

Sod taking the pi$$ out of the Irish, taking the mick out of a Yorkshireman is far funnier. Such as this