Workplace double entendres

I momentarily forgot what a shoulder bolt was called so found myself googling “screw with enlarged shaft”

thank goodness for google safe search

Does that go into the well lubricated flange?

I had an old Uni housemate who’d had a particularly sheltered upbringing and was studying for a geology degree. When doing some research for a project, she didn’t think twice before googling ‘cleavage in dykes’ on a Uni computer…

In an IT office (long time ago), about 10:30am:

“Seems like I need a total system backout”.
“Core dump required”.
“Need to flush the buffers”.
“Cache full – purge required”.

I get to say “Sucking your trunk” every day to men wearing rubber suits :o)

Discussing particulars of a turning job with the very attractive female designer a few years ago. We were looking at tooling and ways to increase production. She was a young/fresh designer and this was her 1st job that she had designed herself (and was owning the design – it was ‘her flange’!)
Her:
“What’s the biggest tool you have that won’t foul the sides of my flange ”

As we were next to my work-bench I did the only thing I could do. Opened my drawers and grabbed the large tool and dropped it on the bench. She was impressed that I had such a big one 🙂

Young female project manager here once stalked down the office, after her job had been stopped for the afternoon on rather flimsy safety grounds shouting,

“Right, that it – I’m going to have to go and pull off all my men!”

Lucky bastards, an early dart and a hand shandy to boot!

Did she have a box you could put it in?

I can’t think of any double entendres – if I could I’d give you one.

A Sex bolt should mate nicely with that first fitting

I always thought Schoepentoeter sounded like something a particularly uninhibited exchange student might introduce you to.

I once asked “anyone got a rubber?” in a drawing office occupied mainly by Americans.

If you’re in the bike industry and looking for the head office address of a well known clothing manufacturer, do NOT use the “I’m feeling lucky” option for Fox HQ.

I work in Intensive Care.

A common saying with us Critical Care folks is, “Critical Care, where we have something for every hole, and if you don’t have a spare hole we’ll make one, and put something in it”.

I used to work in the design for print trade and I was once sat with a very attractive client discussing how much capacity I should allow for on the folder she wanted artworking up. Unfortunately rather than use the word ‘capacity’ I used ‘gusset’. She snickered. I went bright red.

I metaphorically bite my tongue every time a lady at work says, “Do you want to see my list?” What a sad life I lead in the gutter. 😆

No double-entendre but I had to ask our hospital IT dept for special permission to do some searching for effects of ecstasy on ability to maintain an erection or ejaculate

The other day I told one of my colleagues to lean across the desk and I’d shove it up for her (charging cable, obvz). She didn’t catch on but another girl spent the morning sniggering.

We were doing a fire safety visit on a shop in our area and asked where her fire escape was, she said it was down her back passage but she wasn’t sure we’d all fit in as it was tight but we could try if we wanted, we all sniggered as she seemed oblivious, all four of us then fit in her back passage. Then when we came out she started laughing and said now I have to tell the girls tonight I’ve just had four fireman up my back passage while I was meant to be working 🙂

There’s hardly a day goes by when I don’t offer to fill a customer’s hole with painters caulk.

I often have to lube the top and bottom shafts otherwise there might be too much tension built up under the breast beam.

I run a (steel) erection company.

I’ve worked on big erections and little ones too.

“your next erection is in safe hands” etc.

Just lie still you won’t feel a thing I promise, ok I’m inserting it now.

Years ago, mate in work was told to map all the network ports in the floor boxes.

Walked up to one girl and innocently asked if he could crawl under her desk and look as her box. Cue 20 seconds of embarrassed silence and very red face from him and historical laughter from her plus a great story even 20 years later.

“What’s the biggest tool you have that won’t foul the sides of my flange ”

🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

I know a lady who often says she’s been “trimming her bush at the front of the house.”

I work in the leccy industry and years ago I was looking for a speech made by the then director of Ofgem.

Typed his surname in to google, pressed search and then panicked….his surname was LITTLECHILD
🤦‍♂️

I used to work for a company that had a scheme where you could buy tools for personal use through the company. It was called Tool Club – which made me snigger everytime I heard it.

It was called Tool Club

1st rule of tool club?

It always makes me chuckle when I hear the role “Penetration Tester” mentioned

No double-entendre but I had to ask our hospital IT dept for special permission to do some searching for effects of ecstasy on ability to maintain an erection

I could always get one, but knowing what to do with it was another matter (laughing face)

1st rule of tool club?

you don’t wanna know…. 🙂

“EAR PROTECTION MUST BE WORN WHEN VIBRATOR IS IN USE”

(Large sign in one building where I used to work)

A friend of mine is a taxi driver. On one occasion, he had to get a nice young lady to Oldham, and then he was going to Bangor.

I had at least 18 hands between my thighs every day when I worked as a jockey, sometimes I rode bareback. I now work in farming/forestry and talk about hardwood/softwood, the size of girth and if it will fit in my box. I have 3 sizes of box, the big one is at the back of the tunnel. I’m the only female in a team of 20, I cry everyday with laughter. They said if I don’t want to talk I can always use hand gestures

I do miss Terry Wogan reading the Janet and John stories great double entendre at the end

I walked round our US office asking for a little head.

i was genuinely looking for someone with a small head to test how well a headset fitted.

no, I didn’t 🙁

Meeting with native French speaker fluent in English but with a strong accent…they made several referenced to “the fact sheet” which came out sounding a lot like “the fakked shiit”

Somehow it seemed appropriate

My car’s (rubbery) fuel line split once on a motorway journey and I was spraying following vehicles with petrol

broke off the split end but then needed to re-clamp the jubilee clip

Obviously, not having the appropriate tool with me I then stood on the hard shoulder with a sign written in letters as big as I could get onto A4 paper

SCREW
DRIVER ?

(no takers until A police car came by) ☺

You don’t see the spine lines that we can’t use. They’re mostly my doing.

Lubing the strippers and running in hole.

I work around boats all the time & never tire of asking the uninitiated staff members to toss me of when leaving the berth. Yarr it never gets old 😁