[Closed] what's the most stupid/idiotic thing you've done whilst intoxicated?

hmm. few years ago fell off my bike while riding home from the pub, along a perfectly smooth cycle path, and broke my collarbone.
last week, riding back from the same pub, on teh same bike, along the same stretch of cycle path, i decided i was steering well clear of that side of the path, so stuck to the other side.
fell off my bike into the canal.
still clipped in, i remember grabbing the bank with one hand, and the top tube with the other, unclipping, then hauling the bike out, then pulling myself out.
i had made a number of attempts to mount the bike, both before and after my impromptu dip, before deciding that walking might be the best option, and have the scars and bruises to show.
the replacement smart phone turned up today. 😳

My best mate is a legend amongst our friends for being stupid and getting completely drunk way too soon.

We were about 17, some older friends (20-30) were having a party. I went over after finishing work about 11ish. On entering the street I could here him shouting that he wasn't drunk, he could hardly stand.I was asked to take him home.

[b]Long Version[/b]
After about 15 minutes of having some fun by getting him to drink vegetable oil, neat squash, soda stream stuff and some other concoctions I told him we had better leave.
Eventually got him out the door, he then fell straight on a rose bush, wriggled around a bit and finally got up. I wanted to stay at the party, so I told him I was going to run home and that he should to, we lived in opposite directions. He went off running, more like running when you've span yourself twenty times, but A for trying. I went back into the party and that was just the start of the bad story for him.

He woke up the next day, thinking everything is fine, parents weren't talking to him.. After a few days of investing we found out he had run home, couldn't get through the door, the mud all over the door would suggest he tried a lot. So fell asleep on the muddy grass bank next to the road, so the neighbours told him. Somehow he was now completely covered in mud and got inside and upstairs to his room .His mum then entered his room cos he was shouting and making a lot of noise. She found him totally naked with cock in hand, he looked at her and told her the "F off would you! Just F off!", then proceeded piss all over his bed and get into it and sleep. He had no idea until his parents told him..

[b]Short Version:[/b] Drank veg oil and other horrible kitchen things, ran home, slept on the grass, covered head to toe in mud, eventually got inside. Mum could hear him shouting, entered his room to find him totally naked cock in hand. He shouted "F off would! F off!", then pissed over his bed, got straight into it and slept. He had no idea until his parents told him.

--------------------------------------

Same guy above, we managed to shave his eyebrow off, taking photos along the way. We drew it back on with permanent marker, then got arty with it on his face. Someone took him to the toilet and hit his head on the toilet bowl, he decided to lock himself in there and stayed there until the morning.

We managed to convince him that he locked himself in the toilet and shaved his own eyebrow off and then decided to put the marker over his face. He believed us for 6 months, he was not happy when he found out.

5 years I visited him at uni, told his housemates about his eyebrow. It happened again, just after he had decided to make the toilet resemble something from Trainspotting and trying to pin it on me.

I don't have too many stories about me, my friend does a good job on his own.

This was a combined effort really, on leaving the pub one evening ( which may have been early morning) the five of us 2 girls and 3 blokes decided that the campsite we were staying on needed a picnic bench. So passing another pub on the way back we sat one girl on the top of said bench and with one of us on each corner hoisted it aloft, carrying it through the village and back to the site with her sat like a queen atop, although by now screaming a bit to get down. It's still there 2 years on and we've had many a good party on it.

Tried to run some people over in a 4x4 driving the wrong way round a one way system in San antonio in Ibiza at 5am followed by ugly scenes with machetes.

It was 13 years ago and I am a completely different person now. Thank god...

had a friend who forgot which door led to the toilet in a drunken state and through what he thought was the right door and proceeded to piss all over his sleeping grandads face in the spare room

oh to be young again!

a friend once forgot his key so went round the back and climbed in the window made himself a cheese sandwich then sat down to watch telly only then did he realise he was in the wrong house.
the worst thing I have ever done whilst off my head was to realise i had a raving habit and that i had to escape for the sake of my sanity so I moved from madchester. On reflection choosing to move to Amsterdam was not the best choice 🙄

Pissed on the canteen wall of Croydon police station, one New Year's Eve many years ago.......'cause I was busting 😐

It's the one on the left with all the ground floor windows :

[img] [/img]

I have undoubtedly done lots of other stupid things whilst inebriated, but that one always sticks in my mind for its sheer stupidity. And I couldn't figure out at the time why all my mates ran off and left me.

Less of a question of what I have done, than who I have done.

One blessing of age is the ability to manage that is less likely,

(I am told)

On the other hand I wonder who has woken up next to me and wondered how much they had drunk?

I met [/url][url= http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/showbiz/article-23736087-razorlight-lose-a-roadie-at-70mph-on-motorway.do ]Frank[/url] a while back. Possibly the most entertaining drunk story in a while

One that comes to mind is playing drums on a load of rusty steel barrels at the reading festival for about 4 hours, first with some old tent poles then when they broke with my hands. Basically lost consciousness even though my body was still going. Anyway, sun comes up, and some bouncer guys came over and told us to stop. I thought they just didn't like the music so spent ages trying to find out what beats they'd prefer... Eventually one of them explained that no, they thought I should stop because I was covered in blood. And I was. Freaked out for a while, finally looked at hands, I'd basically flayed them. Thought it was time to go to bed (8am). Thanked kindly bouncers.

Woke up about an hour later in screaming agony, wasn't able to use my hands for anything more complicated than holding a pint glass for about 3 days. No drugs involved, just good times, sunshine, sleep deprivation and a dash of jack daniels.

A few that spring to mind are;

Pissed on my own shoes (oblivious of the act of course) then worn them to work the next day.

Pissed in my parents laundry basket (again oblivious until the next morning)

Pissed in my ex's underwear drawer (oblivious etc etc)

Pissed on my sleeping ex. Yes, I know 🙁

Slept in my mates curtains (which were hung at the window before I got to them) and pissed on his video recorder

Fell down a flight of stairs, naked

Woke up naked on a girl's couch, top to tail with her and said hello to her dad as he passed through to the kitchen

Posted the above on the internet

piss all over his sleeping grandads face

This image will stay with me for years 😮

Swung from scaffolding 2 floors up by my legs

Jumped from an out hose roof to a 2nd floor window and climbed in (we were locked out of my mates terraced house) glad the wooden bit on the window took my substantial weight or I'd be in 2 halves now

Woke up with a broken my hand and broken glasses still have no idea how

Ripped my new kecks sliding down a lamp post trying to find a party somewhere. We found it, the girls mum sewed my kecks up while I waited in my undies!

punched a mate spark out in 1 when he suggested he expressed his feelings for my lady friend

Walked from Aisdale to Southport along the unlit coast road to get to my dads house after spending all my cash on beer

Walked from Bootle to Crosby to get home after spending all my money on beer

Rode my bike in the Peaks after a fair amount of brandy It was excellent. Rode straight to my hotel and ordered more.

pissed in a mates glass hoping he'd not notice in revenge for nicking my seat.

not all in the same night you understand...

Staggering back to our apartment in Crete, I completley missed it and carried on walking up the country road where eventually i fell asleep on the road, only to be awakened by the sound of tourist laden bus stopping to rescue me and give me a lift back down the road. On getting back my mate was
asleep in the wardrobe!

Sambuca/dentist chair ala Gazza fueled!

Ohh I once tried to climb a temporary fence, it fell half-over, I got my trousers caught and I decided to sleep there. Hanging at about 45 degrees, legs upwards, in the dead of December. Fortunately I realised what was happening and ripped myself free before dying of hypothermia.

I took part in line dancing on friday night. I've done some pretty stupid things but never though it would come to this.

hand in your man-card to the desk on your way out 👿

line dancing 😆

Oh where to start.

First of all may I say I no longer drink, mainly due to frequency and magnitude of scrapes, here are a few for starters:

1. After a nights clubbing, going back to my parents house for a tent and deciding to steal a small rowing boat to go camping on a nearby island. We used a plank of wood and a cricket bat as oars and got about 1 hour out to sea when I needed a slash. I couldn’t go kneeling at the back of the boat so stood up, causing said boat to sink immediately. Shoes off and swam for over an hour to the ship yard dock gates which are large enough for an aircraft carrier. Couldn’t get out of the water, shouted for help and a security guard threw in a life hoop thing. RNLI turned up some time later an took us to a point where we could get out of the water, where we were met by police, security from ship yard and ambulances. Arrested and spent night in cells. Dad heard about it on the radio at work and it was headlines in local paper.

2. Rode bike naked through Le/The Pub in Chamonix and out into the street.

3. Chased a naked female around some gardens in Liverpool, only to go back the day after to try and find my keys and realise it was a convent and all the little statues we jumped over were of mary

4. Ragging a reliant robin around walney island when leathered and chasing after women

5. Making an impromptu speech at a graduate training exercise attended by all the bosses, which included the line “..and may I say how much I’d like to bum you all, [pointing to this real t**t at the back] especially YOU”

I could spend all afternoon doing this

There have been a few....

Snorting different flavours of nesquick and then blowing 'butterfly' pictures.

Eating leftover toast from a dogs bowl because i was hungry.

Spending the night in cells after two of us removed the taxi sign from the top of a cab thinking it would be a good idea to stick it on the bonnet, it wasnt, it smashed and we got chased through Cardiff by possibly the only fit taxi driver in Britain and 2 policemen.

Graduation Day, oh yes.
Slight misunderstanding on the time front and missed the rehersal as I was in the pub I'd worked in for the last couple of years being bought drink by the regulars. Turned up late and smashed. Wrong place in the queue, so much shuffling on the steps on to the stage to pick up the paper. Strode on to the stage, raised my arms, turned to the crowd and bellowed "HELLOOOO DUNDEEEEE". End of polite applause. Was supposed to kneel to get the cape thing put on by the principal, but didn't want to 'cause i was so drunk I thought I'd fall over. Thing is, i'm 6' odds and principal was a foot or so smaller. Cue much hilarity as he tried to flip it up and over my (moving) head. Anyway, got the tube, walked off stage, looked in tube, nothing. Turned round to go back on stage to query this when someone pointed out that the tubes were all empty and the degrees were on a table, and here's yours.
helped a girl with MS out of her wheelchair to get her gown off. Put her degree in my pocket to free a ahand and forgot to give it back
Forgot to give gown back as well.
Didn't get to go to my next one.

BigButSlimmerBloke

That made me laugh...

Got hundreds..

here's one from back when I regularly used to cain it from Thursday to Sunday.

7.30am monday morning, left the pub (full of posties) pished and off my face on acid towards the end of a 3 day bender. On the way back to my flat, skint I decided it would be a good idea to call in for a friend for breakfast, only her mum answered the buzzer and told me my "______'d moved out back to Uni" but She let me in anyway.. I ran up the stairs into her flat.. but couldn't find her, then eventually heard the sound of the shower so (naturally 😕 ) walked straight into the unlocked bathroom....
out from the frosted glass door a naked...

guy steps out of the shower saying "what are you doing in my house?". "It's not your house mate, its ________'s mum's house" I reply.. we stand there argueing for a bit and then (still naked) he finally gets me to leave.. I'm stood outside bewildered until I look up and see the flight of steps heading upwards. And she lived on the top floor.. I've never laughed so hard in all my life!! 😀

have done many many stupider things. 😳

4. Ragging a reliant robin around walney island when leathered and chasing after women

Made me LOL. I had a mate with a Reliant and it was hardly a chick-magnet.

GW - That gave me a chuckle too.

🙂

I always want to say things in threads like this but feel ashamed.

1. Graduation, 2 for 1 on Stella in Stereo in Newcastle, sent my mate to the bar 5 minutes before happy hour finished to buy 60 pints, would only sell to us in one go, so we took them.
Ended up at the law courts bar smoking joints with a barrister type, before being chased out. Went home, smoked my mega-death bong made from 8" piping and a fish pump and spewed for 3 hours.

2. Drank all day when in Thailand with my Thai biker group, decided it was time to go home, rode off down the street and stopped behind a car, it didn't move anywhere for ages, eventualy got off to check and see, it was parked up. Shortly after I nearly fell through the 7-11 window and woke up with my bike parked in the middle of the grass in the garden.

3. Scaled the outside of a ruin in Heaton Park off my tits. got ledge locked and had to jump three stories, or so down, only to find the patch of nettles was about 1.5m deep indent and turned my drop a bit further than I thought it was.

4. On a massive sniff bended, decided that we needed an emergency 1/8 in case we ran out, mate drove, picked it up, traffic car stopped us, mate got pulled into car, I had it in my pants, police spoke to me and wanted to search me, let them, nothing on me, as he was finishing searching me and giving my mate a bollocking for driving stoned, I got a massive rush from the last line and fell over in the street. 300 odd quid scattered that was in my hand from the search blew down the street. Policeman just looked at me bemused.

5. After party, god knows how many pills in, mate made up some mushroom tea, he couldn't remember if he had put 50 or 500 in the tea for 5, Daryl was sat behind me breathing, I could hear the c*nt breathing reallyt heavily like he was having a heart attack, I was getting really irate, jumped up and shouted " Will you have a f****ing heart attack and get it over and done with. We would be better off with you dead with the racket you're making" Room went silent, 20 odd people looking at me, GF at the time called a taxi and I went home, thought I was in London in the taxi, got kicked out at the corner house pub, had to walk home, spent the journey home watching a watch running across the rooftops trying to cast spells on me.

5. Yet another bender, left the club with my mates, got in the front seat of the taxi, as was my duty, ended up at a strange block of flats, wandered upstairs with my mates, then realised that in fact I was with a group of trannies and had no idea who they were, they told me they thought I was friends of friends, I had no idea, went to somebody's coming out party, all very strange, lots of manly men in dresses. Kept in touch with them for years, decent bunch who liked to big it up.

I suffered panic attacks for years afterwards from all the chemical abuse. I sometimes still get shivers when I think of all the close calls I've had and bad situations I've been in

Quirrel - brilliant, thank you so much there are few times when I am grateful for being a mere novice in the partying 🙂

^ Thanks.

There is another story, but it's not all there.

At a mates birthday party, which we organised in a farmers field somewhere in county durham, I met some rope walkers and jugglers who road around the country on modified bicylces that had sprockets everywhere and bits welded on to carry their stuff.
THey followed us back to Newcastle, to the Tanners pub, where they put on an impromptu show (I think it was the jubilee weekend). I don't really know what happened after this, but I went AWOL for about three weeks, I was with them for part of it, travelling around off my nut, I met up with some London squaters who organised squat parties, I hung out with some fancy business types into art and design and ended up in Edinburgh Manchester, Glasgow, Leeds, London, Liverpool, Hull and a few other places as well.
To this day I'm not sure what all happened, or how it all unfolded, I know that there were lots of wobbly-eggs that probably contributed to my memory failure.

I was found lying in my hallway by the girl who rented my spare room from me telling me she thought I was dead when she came home, but realised that I was ok, but the stench of alcohol could be smelt before she opened the door. She knew I wasn't actually dead, because I had given her updates during my adventures as to where I was - hence how I know some of the cities and what happened.

God just remembered the one where I met some Greeks and hung out with them at their restaurant that never had any customers for two weeks, before they groomed our mate and took her to Greece. He the owner turned out to be some sort of smuggler in the end with a shed full of blow somewhere on the island.

She ended up returning after a few months because she was more messed up than usual.

I'd forgotten about that. That was all during a K binge and it was all real. I can picture the restaurant now and have an idea how to find it....but not sure if I could

I say we get Torminalls' brother, Quirrel, GW, Milkie's mate, the grandad wee-bloke and a few more of the above together for a tear-up.

Anyone care to volunteer the use of their home?

^ I danced on top of the Tyne bridge once in one of the support towers - we should go there, it would be a good venue again.

I actually got led astray a few months back by the lad who owns my house, went out for a Drum n Bass night and was persuaded (easily) to relive some memories. It was as good as I remembered, but god I felt old, and mid week was pretty rough.

Feather boa, and a very very small spangly g string.

one that sticks in my mind was waking up in the dining room of a ski chalet in France just as everyone was coming down for breakfast (friends and random families included) - I was fully clothed, but my pants were on the dining room table and under the table was a pool of what I guess was my piss...
made a hurried, but reasonably aloof dash to the table, hid my pants and managed to soak the piss up with my feet - thankfully I still had my thick ski socks on...

went through a phase of doing Klinsmans on pavement/road/other concrete surfaces.

Once climbed two floors up the outside of hostel I was locked out of after curfew

Dived into the shallow end of a holiday swimming pool in early hours of am after clubbing.

Drove. Rural Nrthern Ireland. Either I did it, or be driven by paralytic uncle or 16 year old cousin. Trusted myself more. Never concentrated harder. Was surprisingly easy really.

lucky to be alive really.

Oh man,let me count the ways!

one mentionable that comes to mind is when I lived in Hull as a student. Used to go to this club called "spiders" on the other side of town in some industrial estate. They used to sell super cheap booze, including a pint of pink stuff named after the Pan-galactic gargleblaster. Anyway, woke up next day, opened front door. Then saw the enormous 6-7ft wooden cable drum in the front garden, that we then fuzzily remembered pushing home for miles through town.

also cracked a rib riding on a canal tow path in pitch dark back from Elfins house after some world cup match or other and a few too many bevvys.

Christ - thought I was quite hardcore in my callow youth, but reading some of these makes me feel like a proper lightweight....

Ah go on, I'll spin one yarn then 😀

I'd just finished college in Edinburgh as a mature student (28 years young) and my mates came to visit from Aberdeen. At the time, I was living in one of those tiny caravans in my Dad's garden. We all squeezed in and proceeded to get violently drunk - fortunately the booze was tempered by copious amounts of good quality hashish.

At about three in the morning, we had all but run out of booze - I remembered at this point that my Dad had several cases of Morgan Spiced rum left over from a bash some years before. So we necked a goodly amount of that.

Upon waking the next morning, Julian (the sensible one) drunkenly announced that he had to drive back to Aberdeen, and that Mike (not sensible) had to come now if he wanted a lift.

We persuaded him he needed a decent breakfast and got him to drive us to Stockbridge in his vile old BMW (he smoked. A lot. With the windows closed - the passenger footwell was a foot deep in fag ash). As we approached our destination, Mike found a tub of 'Barkeeps' Friend' - a white, powdered scouring agents used by, well, barmen I suppose. He sprinkled an ounce or so on me, I threw water over hime and the battle was on.

Julian wasn't at all amused and pulled an emergency stop outside the pub. Mike and I fell out of the car coated from head to foot in white powder and Evian. Passers by actually jumped back! The car looked like an explosion in a coke factory. We went for brunch nonetheless with Julian muttering darkly. After several very large bloody maries, Mike decided to stay another night and Julian got into his precious car and buggered off back to Aberdeen.

Me and Mike went for a post-brunch spliff by the canal, started fighting again and both fell off a 12 foot drop into the water. At least it washed off the Barkeeps' Friend. We kept this stupid shite up all day - at one point we went to a cash machine - I pushed Mike out the way in the middle of his transaction and withdrew £250 from his account - it was gone in two hours. We returned home only when no bars would serve us. I fell down the railway embankment (may have been pushed) fell through a bush and landed heavily on the pavement - I had no shoes or shirt. Sadly, I looked straight up into the faces of my Dad and his wife, walking their dinner guests home.

The next morning, I was supposed to meet my girlfriend in Newcastle and go to a University interview at 2p.m. Didn't wake up 'til 3p.m. Although my life wasn't over, it certainly felt like it for a few days...

oh the poo !!!!!!! 😀

I fell asleep in a hedge standing up with my knob out. It was -9 and i seriously almost got frostbite.

This thread has picked up nicely again 🙂

3. Chased a naked female around some gardens in Liverpool, only to go back the day after to try and find my keys and realise it was a convent and all the little statues we jumped over were of mary

That is classic.

Strode on to the stage, raised my arms, turned to the crowd and bellowed "HELLOOOO DUNDEEEEE"

Still lolling at this 🙂

Quirrel - 😯

Spent a few days in a chalet in Alp de huez watching the snow get deeper and deeper in its garden. One night an impromtue party started up and me and a mate reckoned, in our drunken state, that the snow was deep enough to slow you down from a big jump. We soloed the outside of the chalet, complete with overhang to the first floor and proceeded to jump from the balcony rail. Snow was deep enought to soften the landing. Went to solo the outside again, this time two overhangs to the second storey and off we went again. Fortunately someone stopped us when we were getting ready to go for the third storey :?.

Mmmmm another skiing one. Lighting a monster banger (that I'd found on the slopes then dryed out) in the lounge of a catered chalet. One almighty bang later, after the log basket had lept about a foot off the floor, the chef comes storming out of the kitchen fists first ready for a punch up. All he found was a few shocked faces and a few people doubled up laughing on the floor. There might be a reason why bangers sold in britain are rather pathetic!

what's the most stupid/idiotic thing you've done whilst intoxicated?

Her name was Kerry.

After realising that I was too pissed to continue, I walked out of a nightclub on one side of Cape Town leaving my mates inside, then started to walk/zigzag back to the hostel on the other side of town. All was well until I was accosted by a rather large and very determined lady of the night who wouldn't let me past. Halfway through the ensuing argument, this bloke got out of a car and started walking towards us. With a gun in his hand. Never knew I could run so fast.

Her name was Kerry.

Pissed on the canteen wall of Croydon police station, one New Year's Eve many years ago.......'cause I was busting

I got lifted one night in Glasgow and my protesting mates decided they'd climb onto the roof of Cowcaddens Police station to break me out.. I was happy enough in there, woken up with my usual free tea and bacon/sausage rolls in the morning.. the ****s wouldn't get me a taxi home tho 😉

if you slept with kerry Katona you would remember as well
Remember kids when you bedsit feels lonely dont get drunk and then go to Warrington Iceland on the pull

ernie_lynch - Member
Pissed on the canteen wall of Croydon police station, one New Year's Eve many years ago.......'cause I was busting

if you slept with kerry Katona you would remember as well

I subscribe to the theory that if you were drunk enough to want to, you'd be too drunk to be able to.

This thread has triggered lots of memories that should have stayed locked away.

Early spring, been out for two days with the usual suspects, mate remembered it was his birthday, so we decided a trip to Manga in edinburgh was on the cards. For whatever reason, we decided it was better for me to drive from Newcastle to Edinburgh than to get a taxi.
Drove to edinburgh off our tits, hammering sniff, the usual suspects fed me some base to keep me alert (that was a great idea).
Turned up at Manga with our names on the guest list and a bemused bouncer as I emptied out my pockets, 4 packs of twenty, half a dozen lighters, masses of change and notes, three jackets, and two two litre bottles of iron bru, had a belter night there. Decided to head home, couldn't find my way out of edinburgh, stopped to ask the local police who kindly pointed me i the right direction, why they didn't stop me I don't know.
Drove home, as I crossed the across the border I had an epiphany and knew every corner of the road, and raced home car full like a racing driver. A rover 420 turbo suited and booted. The passangers thought it was a video game, I don't know to this day how we didn't die.
Getting back to Newcastle, we decided to finish the night off by finding a brass for the birthday boy.
Our big fat Indian mate had passed out by this point from too many blues. There was no way a brass was going to entertain anybody with that bemoth lying there on the floor. So we pulled the coffee table over him, tied his legs and arms to each leg of it, and put a table cloth over the top to hide him
Our coffee table then snored and twitched for hours.
Headed into the town and came home with one of those automatic bb guns that fired the yellow balls, spent the morning playing Daveroo - our new incarnation of Buckaroo, where we hung bits of Buckaroo off our mate Dave's head and shot them off when he was passed out.

Later that day I went to see a man about a dog, I was blued up to the eyeballs, and just managed to swerve around a stationary bus.
That really shook me up, as it would have been the end of all of us in the car the speed we were going and I promised myself never to get that messed up and behind the wheel again.

That is one of the memories that makes my heart pound, my hands sweat and feel sick. Not good at all and I don't know how I didn't end up dead in jail or both.

xmas eve about 7 years ago got wasted around Bury, managed to hurl into the urinal perfectly while having a pi$$ then fell through a pizza shop window on the way to the taxi, collapsed on the floor by the taxi and had to get lifted in by 4 lads, fell asleep on the pavement outside the house then on the stairs with the front doors wide open and suspiciously wet jeans... 😳

Whisky and sambuka shots really don't go well together!

Quirrel is Hunter S Thompson and I claim my 5 pints of mescaline!
[img] [/img]

Quirrel.

How you survived is a mystery...although I don't know what you're talking about for most of that post (brass, blues, sniff).

Could you send Dave done to London with a BB gun so I can play Daveroo on Saturday night?

Quirrel has successfully closed this thread to all new posters. Hands down winner.

However BBSB is in second with "HELLOOO DUNDEE!".. Still can't stop chuckling over that image.

Quirrel - I thought I enjoyed myself in Newcastle, you took it to another level/dimension, sounds like I could have known you but I would have remembered 🙂

How you survived is a mystery

It is. Genuinely are moments where I think the only thing keeping me alive was the different substances acting against each other.

I picked a fight with 4 Oxford Blues boxers 😮

Oxford boxers are sissies. Hardly a scary prospet really 🙂

I wish to point out for the record that it was not Kerry Catona. As far as I know, Catona does not have three strategically placed piercings. Nor is she a psycho hose beast who stalked me for about three months after the event.

"hose"?

Something you're not telling us CFH?

Not as crazy as many stories here but memorable all the same:

I once went out drinking with friends after we'd all had a big helping of 'mushroom soup'. About ten pints later we were running to the kebab house when I tripped down a couple of steps I hadn't seen, taking the full force of the fall on my face. I ended up sprawled in a pool of blood in the kebab house doorway with smashed teeth, chin cut to the bone and dislocated jaw.

After stitching me up the hospital decided to let me go home so they put me in a wheelchair as I was too wasted to walk. As the nurse briskly wheeled me to a waiting taxi my undone laces wrapped around a front wheel catapulting me into another painfull face plant with the ground. A friend of mine out did me a few nights later by surviving a 50ft cliff fall with only minor cuts. They reckon he was so drunk that he just kind flolloped down the cliff without too much fuss.

Got my teeth rebuilt but my jaw still plays up at times to remind me of my excess that night.

Can't remember why but after a heavy session at uni decided it would be a good idea to jump of Kingston bridge into the thames at about 3am, as dare, on the way back to halls. Suprisingly shallow I remember thinking as my feet touched the silty mud on the river bed, who knows what could have been under the water, luckily I popped back up to the surface. Beckoning my friend to follow me which he duly did. both surviving another day. Scary thinking back on it now though.

Ah yes, the memories flood back, a tide of slightly hazy, tampon-infested sewage.....

Waaaaay back in the 90s, a couple called Gav and Fat Nicky (she was a girl...just) used to organise parties in the middle of nowhere. They had a generator, a sound system and big bags of interesting drugs.

Needless to say, they also had a decent following, and on this particular night, the word went out that there was to be a full on rave in the Forest of Skene, not far out of Aberdeen. So me and a rag-taggle bunch got in somone's Transit and left the safety of the pub for some high times, stopping only to hit the off license for whisky.

We found the place eventually and immediately scored as much as we could. The haul included several wraps of dried mushies, some strawberries (acid tabs) and a few wraps of quality speed. The music was loud enough to deaden the sound of the generator and we got down to some serious dancing.

At about two in the morning, some bright spark announced that it was skinny-dipping time - the Loch of Skene couldn't be far away, could it? But it was, and the forty or so intrepid souls who came along soon got horribly lost. I volunteered to climb a tree, to see if I could see the loch from atop the canopy. I picked the tallest Douglas Fir in the woods and swarmed up it, with the magical ninja skills bestowed on drunk, tripping, speeding people (I was a bottle of Jack down at this point, along with the mushies, speed and acid).

Sure enough! The loch was visible, sparkling in the moonlight and immensely appealing. I looked down to tell everyone that I could see it, but all that came out was, "Wow! You all look like ants!", before the branch snapped and I began my journey back to terra fima.

I have since been back to look at this tree - easily found as it pokes 20 odd feet above the rest, and I'd guess it's about 80-100 feet tall. Fortunately, I hit almost every branch on the way down, but still managed to split my head open, pull every ligament in my body and fracture three ribs. All the other tripping people ran away (don't blame them) which left two strangers to drag me back to the party. Managed to play a gig the next night but spent the next couple of months on crutches.

Eh, most of the Footie team after working up to it decided it would be a good idea to run naked, en masse to kelvinbridge swingpark in the west end and do synchronised naked press ups, star jumps etc... Think it was about 5 am midweek so not too many folk about.. Well, prob not after seeing ten odd lads running towards them in the nip..
Same football team, on tour in Albania. Terrana, after a night downing raki in the sky tower decided it would be a good idea with 2 mates to go swimming in a lovely big fountain.. Stripped off, in up to my waist when I realised the rest of the boys had legged it. Looked behind me to find a police van pulling up and guys with kalashnikovs jumping out. Spent 10 min (longest of my life) responding to their shouts of "WHY YOU DO?" with I'm Scottish, I'm very drunk, and I didnt realise the importance you placed on your civic architecture whilst franticly trying to get dressed. They let me go after some pleading and I was nice enough to pick up my mates clothes as I ran in their gen direction..
Same trip different town ended up drinking with some of the local mafia, nice enough guys, stood their round but we bugged out when they started showing us their glocks..
Got some other decent drug influenced stories but finishing nightshift soon so bedtime looming..
In

just had a memory come flooding back... put our friend in a wheely bin and wheeled him about 4miles across town, we'd tap the side when other people walked by so he could open the lid and pop up scaring the passers by (when you're drunk as a kid that's beyond funny for some reason) eventually we got the to canal and tried tipping him and the bin in over the bridge 😯 luckily he fell out of the bin instead of falling inside it and he landed on a shopping trolley dumped in the canal... got halfway through trying to stand back up again and the bin fell on his head knocking him off the trolley and into the canal. climbed out over a load of nettles onto the bank.

luckily he saw the funny side, he was the kinda friend who'd always be up for a silly suggestion... once walked through the town centre after setting his shoes on fire, would regularly sit with his feet and shoes in the camp/bonfire until it melted through and started burning his feet, would snort anything we put in front of his face and we loved him for it haha.

when you're drunk as a kid that's beyond funny for some reason

I'm an adult and sober and that's still beyond funny.

Nothing of the same calibre as some of the above but a couple of episodes that could have gone bad.

When at Uni (Durham) I did the Lumley Run one night. Lumley Castle to Durham Castle, in under 3 hours (7 miles) with a drink in every pub en route (26). Made it back in one piece and then was having a celebratory pint in the college bar when I just passed out and fell over, onto a low table absolutely covered in pint glasses. And then got up without a scratch. Can only think it must have been like one of those Indian Fakir tricks.

Ski-ing in Val D'Isere, one evening we 'invented' the daft idea of waiting for a car to come past, grabbing onto the back wiper and getting towed along using your shoes as skis. Fell too many times to count and ended up bruised all over (a road covered in hard packed snow and ice is fairly unforgiving) but incredibly no real damage.

Just remembered another. Durham has these huge steel bollards at the top of the pedestrian areas that can be removed to let emergency vehicles down. One night me and a couple of mates decided to nick one (nice City crest on them btw). Between three of us, inebriated we were staggering so much we were in danger of dropping this thing so i announced I'd sort it and swung it over my shoulder like it was nothing and set off up the road to Moatside court where a mate lived. he wasn't in but a girl we knew came out of an adjacent room and told us to be quiet so we asked her to make us coffee instead. She refused so we rammed her door down with the bollard (or would have done if she hadn't opened up after the first warning ram). She made us coffee, we left, leaving the bollard under her bed.

Come the following night, we tried to take it back sober. It took 3 of us to lift it, let alone carry it!