What the hell do I say?

A friend’s youngest son (26) has just committed suicide. He’s not a close friend but I’ve known him for over thirty years and his elderly mother is my next door neighbour. He visits his mother at least once a week and I’m now dreading bumping into him. I cannot even begin to imagine how he is feeling as he is not a well man anyway but I know that there will be nothing I can say that will be of any help or comfort. Any suggestions will be appreciated, as I’m really struggling with this one.

Just look after his mum, the rest will come.

Terrible news

Got a bit of that going on myself. Dad died just before Christmas, work colleagues mum died just after new year, wife’s aunt died last week.
Along with another workmate (who lost his dad recently)the 3 of us were sitting in the office just talking/listening to each other’s tales of how things had panned out. 3 “mature” men with tears in their eyes!!
Other than offering your condolences ie sorry to hear about etc I don’t think there is much else you can or need to say other than offering g your neighbour any help she may need.
I must admit to struggling with what to say…..

MrsT has had to deal with members of her staff who are struggling to come to terms with the grieving process, everyone manages(or not) in a different way.

Thanks S, looking after her was my first thought, in fact I sorted out the valve on her kitchen radiator this morning.

Just look after his mum, the rest will come.

^ that really. You don’t have to say anything, just carry on being his mate. Some very good friends of ours lost a very good friend of theirs on Saturday in a climbing accident. I didn’t really know what to say. He’s a builder so I went to work with him today so he wasn’t by himself. Just doing stuff shows people you care I think.

So hard. I think if you acknowledge the ‘incident’ (and I don’t mean to make light by labelling it thus), make it clear that you’re very sorry and available to help if needs be, that’s all you need to offer and they need to hear.

Firstly good on ya for keeping an eye on your neighbour, I expect that’s a not insignificant help to all concerned.

I would certainly make contact sooner rather than later, whether that’s a phone call, a card or whatever feels normal for you, get in touch and let him know that you’re thinking of him and are sorry for his loss.

If you really think it’s going to be difficult to talk to him then drop a card in with your neighbour, it’s her loss too and he’ll no doubt get to see the card and that could be the ice breaker. After that let him guide things he may want to talk or it’s just as likely that he’ll want some one to pretend to be normal around, Everyone is going to deal with such a devastating event in different ways and it’s difficult to suggest anything too specific.

The whole sorry for your loss thing sounds like an insignificant platitude but don’t underestimate how important it is to feel supported at a time like this.

You say, with meaning, ‘ I’m sorry to hear about your loss’.

Most people will say something back, and from there you can judge how much or little the person will want to talk. From there you can ask how they are our whether you can do anything for them.

It’s polite, and not an intrusive or condescending thing to start with.

As above. Don’t avoid the issue and be there for them when they need you, which you’re already doing by sorting out mum’s rad, which is the last thing that any of his family need to be thinking about
Don’t tell his family that you know how they must be feeling, as you rightly said, you don’t

Horrible thing, not much you can do except be supportive and understanding. I know one person who killed themselves, the funeral was grim. The bit I didn’t appreciate beforehand is that it still carries a massive stigma and sense of a shame for a lot of people for religious or other reasons. So the family can feel even more isolated.

Unbeknown to me most folk at the funeral didn’t know the circumstances of the death, it wasn’t mentioned and the vicar was very discrete. The woman in the row in front found out during the funeral, she was furious at the deceased and declared the whole thing a disgrace. I wasn’t expecting that sort of thing.

Hot, home cooked food delivered to the doorstep works wonders. They won’t normally be in a fit state to look after themselves after such a bad shock. Other than that ask if there’s anything you can help with.

^good shout, you can’t eat flowers and sympathy cards.

i had a slightly different situation a few years ago – a friend had lost a baby after a few months of battling numerous medical problems – totally tragic situation.

i told him i didnt know what to say other than i was throughly heartbroken and couldn’t imagine being in that situation myself. months later, we talked about it again and he said he’d taken strength from the fact no-one had the words to make it better. what was comforting was this proved its beyond ‘normal experiences’.

my advice to the op is tell you friend you are at a loss what to say, be totally honest, you saying that and making yourself uncomfortably in doing so ultimately says far more…

to be honest, having had to face a fair old number of folk who have had people taken from them too early in life, I personally wouldn’t go for the same old cliches that serve to drive the point home…

Just a sincere offer of help and support, backed up with a call once a week or so to see if anyone needs anything

A friends son was recently murdered in a rather gory attack. There isn’t a lot you can say, when I saw him I just asked how he was getting on and let him know I was there if they needed anything.

Once again STW rises to the challenge. Having had time to sleep on it, and reading these replies, I feel a bit more positive about the situation. I remember when my son was diagnosed with a brain tumour, what I craved more than anything was some sort of “normality”. So, I’ll offer my condolencies and ask if he would like to go for a pint some time.

Practical normal everyday support is more valuable than empty gestures, as others have said. Be there, pop round to make sure they are eating and looking after themselves, ask them round for a coffee, they will talk if they want to.

There are several charities who can offer advice and support, have their details handy in case they are needed.

At least three or four families in our wider circle of friends have been affected by suicide. Thoughts of “if only I/we had….” will never go away.

So, I’ll offer my condolences and ask if he would like to go for a pint some time.

Some excellent advice, above, especially what muppetWrangler says.

Might I suggest just one thing in response to what you last say, though? Be a bit more active in taking him out for the pint, in the sense of saying ‘would you like to go out for a pint next week (or whenever)?’ as opposed to ‘would you like to go out for a pint some time?’

Sometimes, a grieving person will appreciate someone else taking the initiative.

In any case, best wishes at this difficult time.

I lost a cousin at the age of 21 the same way.
There is nothing that you can say. Do whatever you feel you should to acknowledge it. Shake his hand / give him a hug etc. and keep an eye out for his mum.
Expect the funeral to be extra grim 🙁
Mine was 20 years ago and at times (like right now writing this) it will be a bit raw.

Apart from a “Very Sorry for your loss”, there isn’t much else.

Not easy I know, before I’d lost people close to me I really struggled to know what to say or how to react.

As others have said, drop a card with a telephone number offering to help out should his mum need any assistance. If he’s not too good it’s probably even more stress worrying about his mum too.

In the early stages a lot of it is practicalities, if he knows someone is near by to help with any practical problems his mum may have, it will be a great weight off of his mind.

As a guide, say something.

It’s always better to say the wrong thing, than say nothing. Keep talking and they will soon let you know what the right thing to do is.

Otherwise they will feel isolated and sometimes overwhelmed.

Some advice I have heard is, rather than saying “I’m happy to do anything to help” or similar, is to offer some specific help, say “I’ll look after the dog while you go to the funeral” (or whatever), which shows it’s a genuine offer rather than an empty sentiment, and is harder to turn down (they might really want the help, but not want to appear in need of it).

Nothing to add to what has already been said really. ‘Sorry for your loss’ etc – perhaps a good man-hug if you know him reasonably well. Offers to help out / have a curry etc will be valuable – make sure he has your phone number and can call / text at any time.

However awkward for you, the situation will be worse for him; make sure you see him and talk to him ASAP. Awkward situations never improve with the passage of time.

You shake his hand and say “I’m so sorry to hear what happened. You know where I am if you need me to do anything for your mum.” Give him your telephone number in case he needs you to check in on her because he can’t make it one day. And give her your number so she can contact you. And let him know that any time he wants to drop in for some company and a beer, he’s more than welcome. Horrible situation.

This sounds kind of silly, but..

A long time ago (35 years!) I lost someone very close to me through suicide. People saying ‘sorry’ really bugged me. ‘Sorry’ implied to me some kind of apology, which was not needed or appropriate. I felt much better about people who said that they were sad, or upset, or other similar emotions. But best of all were the people who just gave me a hug.

Sorry to hear this, and for all the others who’ve had to face similar.

Much of the advice above is sound but I’d go one step further, from my experience with a friend who lost his wife to a brain tumour. We all did as suggested above, offered condolences, and said if he needed anything that we were there for him. The problem was – he still didn’t feel comfortable in asking / admitting that he needed help, and instead sat at home and ‘coped’. Except, as one very uncomfortable evening out proved, he wasn’t coping, when with a couple of drinks in him it all came flooding out.

So the further step – tell him / his mother that you’re there if they need you, but keep going back and asking if there’s anything you can do or anything they need. It’s not very British to keep asking but if it makes it easier for them, that’s what counts.

What DD said

We have a some what similar issue, but the person in question is still alive. Our neighbour, who we weren’t particulary close to due to their noise ,parties, kids and so forth , she is slowly dying with cancer. Her kids are now gone and we have faced the situation by saying that we know she is not well and we are here to help to the husband. I did ponder on what to say before I did and I know he was thankful for this. We are now key holders and first pint of contact if she falls at home, while he is at work. Luckily I work 1.5 miles from home and although I cycle in, can grab anyones car keys and be home in a matter of seconds. We cant change the situation, but we can help them when its needed and I have said the home phone is on 24/7 so please call if you need us. So , just be there and express you are to help in anything they need, even someone to talk to. It made us feel better inside to think we can do something too.

Don’t avoid

Be straight

Listen

(edit DD covered it)

Thanks everyone, he’s already got my number as I’m first point of contact if he can’t get his mum on the phone (she’s a bit deaf) and she knows that she can get me to pop round anytime. So now I’ll just brace myself for our first meeting.

Just be sensitive to the moment. The right thing to say will come by itself.