Things that don't appear on the 'joys of parenting' list:

At the end of a somewhat frazzling holiday in Normandy Mrs Scapenanny was determined to see the Bayeux Tapestry. I was given the task of looking after the Scapekids, who at 20 months were halfway through potty training. They chose that day to have upset tummies, and so I was forced to carry out a field change in the gardens of the museum, with only just sufficient wipes and not quite enough spare clothing for them.

A couple of years later,again in France, they were playing happily in the site pool, which had a small fountain. My lad ran out of the pool and ran towards the toilets screaming and clutching his backside. Mrs Scape followed him in to find him in an open cubicle shitting for Britain. It went on for a very long time, and when she finally got him to tell her what happened he explained that he had been sitting on the outlet of the fountain. It had come on and given him a chlorinated enema.

last night…my 3.5 year old daughter says to me “daddy your belly is really big….like daddy pig (from Peppa Pig)”
this morning she tell me half way through breakfast that she needs a poo, i tell her to go then i hear screaming from the bathroom. i run up to find her sitting on the throne and a massive steaming log on the bathroom floor! turns out as she was pulling the tights and underwear donw the torpedo got fired onto the floor. it missed her clothes so all i had to do was scoop the damn thing up and drop it down the pan!!
19 month old boy has now taken to standing on my feet and holding both my legs he then proceeds with head butting me in the nuts when he can and failing that trying to bite me…the little git!!

i belive that most people at this stage forget how hard it is to have young children, how mentally and pysically draining it is to be woken up a 6am EVERY day, then spend the day with several children hell bent on what feels like just making your life hard LOL.

To be honest, I’m at a pretty low point with this just now. The wife’s been away working pretty much every day (either working or studying) since December 27th and I’ve not had a break yet.

The darker things that have not been mentioned that also don’t appear on the list are the anger that can build up. Not everyone is going to experience this, but I’m really struggling with it. It’s bizarre that one minute I’m cuddled up with my youngest with him holding on tightly and saying ‘I love you dadddy’ and then the next he’s being the most obstinate, stubborn and down right difficult little ****. All I want him to do is sit in his sodding car seat so I can make the school run without my eldest being late and he just flat refuses.

The anger that builds up is huge. Honestly the line between those that do and those that don’t beat their kids is pretty bloody marginal.

I don’t condone, but I do not now judge!

The anger that builds up is huge. Honestly the line between those that do and those that don’t beat their kids is pretty bloody marginal.

Are you looking after them full time? If so, think you need to tell the wife she needs to give you a break. Both of us work, but I would say I would say she suffers more from the kids playing up than I do….she’s a control freak, I don’t mind the odd mucking around.

One thing I found out early, if you are stressed, they pick up on it and act up….You just have to keep your emotions hidden, even when they are being little so and so’s.

he had been sitting on the outlet of the fountain. It had come on and given him a chlorinated enema.

Someone actually came over to my desk as I was laughing so much I was nearly crying!! Poor little bugger, bet that gave him a proper fright! He won’t be doing that again in a hurry.

Sanny I will now take a quick look over the wall when I jump off that harbour wall when in Elie!!

I would just like to commend you all to continue, I got home last night to open the door and then play ‘guess the foreign object on the rug outside the toilet door’. Some questioning of 3 yr old uncovered the fact she went for a poo ‘but some fell out’. ‘Did you touch it daddy’ ‘was it warm daddy’ etc
Some of these stories are great.

A word of advice.

If a 5 year old approaches you with an outstretched finger and the words “Smell this Dad!”

Just Don’t.

My wife suffered from this, she has far far less patience than me. And also finds it far harder to not cave in to requests (whiny requests of course).

I’ve spent most of the last decade arbitrating between whiny middle aged engineers who should know better, so a couple of small kids are childs play (ha!) in comparison.

Some of my colleagues have come far closer to a kicking than they realised.

Are you looking after them full time?

No, I work full time, so does my wife and we have someone who comes to us to fill in. But my wife has been away a lot because she’s been on a big course for promotion and there’s only so many hours a nanny can do, so my routine has been to work from home and do the morning and evening routine with the boys.

The experience is odd, because actually, between my wife and I, I’m the one who has both an easier time with the boys (in terms of getting them to do what I need them to do) and not getting as stressed or angry.

Even more odd, is that I’ve not experienced this level of anger and frustration since I was 12. I had to learn to deal with it then and have done so for the last 30 years. I honestly just think the last month has just pushed it a bit too far. Everyone has a limit. I’m not at mine yet but I can see it coming up on the horizon.

2nd stage forward facing child seats are sort of like plastic buckets. Imagine if you will that in a traffic jam your darling daughter proceeds to fill this bucket almost to the brim with foul putrid waste.

We had to fashion a new one piece outfit for her from my t shirt and I spent the day looking very hipster in a v neck jumper/no shirt combo.

The car still doesn’t smell entirely right half a year later.

Ah, the old makeshift outfit. My daughter spent half a day in the outdoors wearing a camping towel as a wraparound skirt, that was fun.

Same trip she filled her nappy out in the woods, whilst playing near our picnic site. Before we could smell it we noticed she’d attracted a huge cloud of flies.

2nd stage forward facing child seats are sort of like plastic buckets. Imagine if you will that in a traffic jam your darling daughter proceeds to fill this bucket almost to the brim with foul putrid waste.

That reminds me. We were in the French Alps, driving down Col du Glandon my daughter (then age 2)announced “mouth hurts” and proceeded to throw up all over herself and the car seat. A full alfresco change ensued, with the car seat cleaned up as best we could. A few miles later, driving up Col du Telegraphe, she made the same announcement with the same result. No clean clothes were left by this point, but it was getting late and we were hungry, so we ended up walking into a restaurant with her wearing a vest and nappy. We could hear the owners talking about how she must be cold. So we had a two hour drive back to base with the car stinking of puke. I had to put the whole car seat in the bath to get the smell out.