Things that don't appear on the 'joys of parenting' list:

We’ve had a few poo/sick/wee-related events, pretty similar to many of the previous posts.

One non-bodily-fluid-related incident happened when our eldest was about two or three, I had taken him to the supermarket to do the weekly shop. In the aisle with vegetable oils and so on, I failed to park the trolley, with him in the seat, right in the middle of the aisle. So as I browsed the shelves, he managed to reach out and grab at a bottle. One litre of extra virgin olive oil, in a glass bottle, promptly exploded at my feet. Huge puddle of oil and broken glass surrounding me, oil all up the left leg of my jeans to the knee. And my left shoe (Merrel, goretex) filled to the brim with oil and tiny shards.

One of the shelf-stacking lads ran off to get a giant roll of paper to absorb it all, I had to abandon my sock and squelched round the rest of the shop.

Ok, a wee one. Toilet training Tired1, Mrs Tired took him to Clarkes for some new shoes. “Mummy I need a wee!”. Too late and pee all over his trousers, and the as yet un-paid for possible shoe purchase. At least they fitted.

Another? Said charmer brought home Chickenpox. Oh, everyone’s had that, haven’t they? Not Mrs Tired. Two weeks in bed with the pox and serious illness. Meanwhile Tired2 went down with it at six months and not an immunoglobulin in sight. To say he was covered was an understatement! Couldn’t put a 50p anywhere on his body without hitting a spot. At least he couldn’t scratch!

Another? TiRed1w brought home slapped cheek aka parvovirus 5. Gues who has the HLA type for acute arthropathy. Could barely walk for a month!!! Thanks for that, and the ear infections.

Norovirus… done that too.

sucked a bogies out of a nose

Done it out of sheer desperation, she could hardly breathe and was screaming the place down, presumably in a panic. At 3am you will do anything to make it stop (incidentally the sucking made it worse).

Aside from that though she’s been pretty awesome, certinly by comparison.

Me though, I’m a jammy sod, I deserve all hell after the stuff I pulled – killed a Sony hi-fi, ate lego and had violent diarrhea all over the back of my dads car. It was a Morris Marina as well so there wasn’t much worse I could have done to it. Also done the sitting in dads jumper in the back on a couple of occasions, Mull and Callander were most memorable (Lada Riva with a recently departed back box and Nissan Cherry respectively).

But keep it coming, don’t think I’ve laughed as much at a thread in a long time.

This has reminded me of a few I did as a child. Including the time I projectile vomited 15 minutes into the 30 hour drive from the alps to Carlisle – made worse by the fact that my parents had had absolutely no sleep owing to us being booked into the same apartment complex as the whole of BUSC.

That and the time I peed on my face in a public loo because I was trying to see how it worked…

“abandon bath” events too familiar too, many car sick stories and the joy of the norovirus too. ah yes remember them well.

We went to a wedding with our 2 week old twins and while changing one on the back seat of the car he decided to let rip with what can only be described as splatter poo. Gloopy green spray – all down my white shirt, light grey suit and tie on a fine rural summer’s day. Nice.

Their younger brother likes to express himself slightly differently. I think he was 2 or 3 when he woke us up early one Saturday standing over us on our bed waving his bits around in circles saying “Look Daddy – Willy willy woo woo, giggle” repeatedly.

Oh yes – lots more naked trampolining than I imagined too, both them and their friends just abandoning their clothes whenever the feeling takes them.

On the plus side – when they were little they would see me dressed up to go MTB night riding and tell me I looked “cool” something their mother never really did for some reason.

and the 6 year old still waves me off every morning from the door with “Bye Daddy you’re the bestest Daddy in the whole wide world and universe and galaxy and planets” which is quite nice. 🙂

My son fell face first into a trough type urinal in Scarborough.

My little one is only turning 2, and the number of those stories which I can relate to is scary! 😯

The latest one was whilst in Next during Christmas. Little one has a habit of running her hand along all the clothes to feel them. Whilst walking with me, she decided to run her hand along a row of clothes, and the bum of a women who was casually browsing. Cue the women whipping her head to round to not see the little toddler at waist height, but the 30yr old man staring at her in total shock…very VERY awkward.

Eldest has given us a few moments, including:

Dropping his trousers in one cafe and haling a passer-by with ‘Look lady, I’ve got gruffalo underpants!’

Also runnng back from the loo in a packed bluebird cafe shouting at the top his voice ‘Daddy, Daddy, I done a wee and a poo in the toilet!’

Whilst Mrs BJ was breastfeeding no 2 I took the eldest swimming, his best line was “its ok daddy, you can touch my nipples” whilst drying him. In a packed mens changing room. Obviously he’d been trying to get in on what his brother was getting back at home and she’d been telling him of.

Recovering on the sofa post-vasectomy. Youngest mounts a sneak attack and jumps in my lap with a leading knee. Through pure reflex I picked him up and launched him across the room into a wall.
It was at that point I realised the operation had been the right decision.

Harry_the_Spider – Member
My son fell face first into a trough type urinal in Scarborough.

Yak!

I may have mentioned this one before…

We have been very matter of fact about reproduction – so at a reasonably early age our children knew about it – in an age appropriate way. I was explaining to my daughter aged about 7 that she had eggs in her tummy that could become babies when she was older. My son (5) then joined the conversation and asked if he had eggs too. I told him that his body would make ‘seeds’ and those could join with an egg to make a baby. Those seeds would be made in the ball-shaped sac under his willy. He seemed quite happy with this.

I went to pick up the children from school the next day. As usual my boys were the last to arrive from their class – they are very slow. As I am waiting, their classroom assistant approaches me obviously trying to smother a massive grin. She then proceeds to tell me that my some had a very interesting conversation with his newly-qualified teacher. She did a fairly decent impression of him and uttered these words:

*points at groin* “SEEDS! I’ve got SEEDS IN THERE MISS. IF YOU WANTED, WHEN I’M OLDER – WE COULD MAKE A BABY!”

His teacher came out of the school building, bringing my as usual tardy boys. I wanted there and then for the ground to swallow me whole.

Our (nearly) 6 year old amuses me greatly.
He’s coined onto the word ‘sexy’ now – everything is ‘sexy’.

And as an insult he called me a ‘fat sexy lady’.
Best..insult…eva…

DrP

i’m still waiting for someone to give us a sudocrem cat or tv story….

i’ve found pencil crayons, bits of lego in the dvd player. the same plus toy cars in the vcr. we’re on our 3rd tv in the lounge since last january on account of the kids breaking the screen with flying toys
i’ve also had to fish coins out of the toilet (gives new meaning to the “spend a penny”)
eldest likes to dig holes in the lawn, youngest stuck his hand in his poo filled nappy yesterday

my friend’s wife gave birth to a little girl 2 weeks ago…after 9 years of trying and a dozen failed attempts…he hasnt the foggiest of whats in store for him…and i’m not going to warn him either!! 😆

£2.54 in the CD slot of my (company) car…

585 quid replacement apparently! Hey ho…

My Mum (Granny) takes my son(9) and daughter(11) out for cakes and milkshake at a local cafe. My son has always struggled with constipation and tends to only go every three or four days then leave a swopper (toilet blocker) that requires the attention of a stick to marshal round the u-bend. Sure enough just as the food arrives he disappears to the toilet and is gone long enough for Granny to worry, he reappears looking a little sheepish to confess the toilet is blocked. Granny decides they eat up and go, as a queue of the cafe patrons starts to line up outside the toilet whilst the cafe owner is looking for ‘a poking thing’.
It still amazes me something so small could produce something that large!

My daughter (6) has a habit of wriggling herself on the arm of the sofa and on soft toys. It is VERY disturbing to see. 😳
She used to try to do it on your hip if you picked her up or knee if you were sat down. 😯
Apparently it is common and she will grow out of it but it looks so wrong..

This thread is helping me get ready for when my first child is born in May and i’m not looking forward to anything that has been mentioned so far.

last night our eldest produced “a family of poos! look, there’s the daddy poo, the mummy poo, and baby poo!”

previously…

when he caught worms, he managed to scratch his bum in his sleep, and made it bleed having scratched it that much, that it hurt.

so, when getting dressed, he got his pyjamas off, bent over completely butt naked, shoved his wormy bleeding rectum in my face and shouted “My bottom hurts. Kiss it! Kiss it better! KISS IT!”

Found my wife, unable to move outside the room a minute later.

TheDT’s – wow, somehow I’d managed to forget our wee girls ‘hump everything’ stage! thanks for the reminder.

Blokes, anyone considering parenthood should be prepared for little girls, sweet sweet things that they are, to dry hump anything at some stage.

Had to take our second oldest to A&E late one night as he had a very nasty rash. All going well had been triaged and he had fallen asleep on the bench in the waiting area. He sort of woke up puking all over the bench (it was running though the mesh design on the seats!), lifted him to take him through for some help but enroute we had another bout of projectile vomit. I managed to spin round and he sort of hosed a substantial amount of the waiting area with puke 😆 didn’t wait around…

£2.54 in the CD slot of my (company) car…

585 quid replacement apparently! Hey ho…

Wouldn’t that be 582.5 when you get the loose change back!

On my wife’s watch little Sid had managed to get a pebble stuck up her nose. Wife had tried using tweezers to get it out but made things worse with a bit of bleeding so it was off to A&E. Get seen quite quickly by an ENT specialist. If he can poke it out it’s a 5 minute job, if not it’s surgery. I grip her tight whilst ENT use a special tool (seems like there is a specially designed tool for getting things out of kids noses handily) and then she says daddy this hurts. Straight after it pops out and she’s fine. On our way home she asks for her stone back!

Gave my 3 year old a bag of 12 toilet rolls. Told him to put 2 in the downstairs toilet and the rest in the upstairs one. After discovering his literal interpretation in the downstairs toilet some 10 minutes later, I realised why he was still so busy upstairs… ‘Dad, I can’t get them all in’

This thread could be retitled, Why not to have kids.
But it will always end up with, “But I wouldn’t swap em for the world”.

The triple projectile vomit sesh (bad pint?) – all 3 kicked off near simulatneously, upstairs in a very old Welsh cottage. That sort that has a floor that is basically planks.

Downstairs, and it’s raining vom, hallelujah!

at least you can clean up shit and vomit then its over

wait until the emotional blackmail, bank of mum and dad, drunkard stupidity, and boyfriend idiocy starts

This thread is helping me get ready for when my first child is born in May and i’m not looking forward to anything that has been mentioned so far.

none of whats written here is true…you’ll be fine!! 😆

at least you can clean up shit and vomit then its over

wait until the emotional blackmail, bank of mum and dad, drunkard stupidity, and boyfriend idiocy starts

A discusion i have had many a time with my dad, ill explain,

my dad a few years ago met a lady that had teenage girls, they now all live together bla,bla.

i have 2 boys 4 and 7 (18 month age gap) now if i had a pound for everytime i was told at this age there easy, wait till they get older etc etc, this myth was put to bed last year when my dad, his mrs and the girls came to stay at hours for 2 weeks over the holidays.

a the end of the holidays my dads mrs said to me

WOW i totlally forgot how much hard work it was with younger kids, the constant attension and needing help, the early mornings and longs days basically being a servant, i deffinatly would not go back to that again.

im a firm beliver that as your kids get older they go though a transition where just before there a teenager they get eaiser, they start helping around the house, you can trust them to do stuff and they dont relly on you 24/7, then they hit the teenage years and go backwards.

i belive that most people at this stage forget how hard it is to have young children, how mentally and pysically draining it is to be woken up a 6am EVERY day, then spend the day with several children hell bent on what feels like just making your life hard LOL.

im sure its a nightmare when your teenager wants the latest xyz but dont you remeber the 6 months before birthsdays and chrismas where all you heard about was that your child wanted xyz LOL, atleast then they go to there room and you dont see them for the rest of the day, dont forget there was a time when all your wished was for a few mins extra in bed or just to be able to drive somehwere in piece 😉

NOT aimed at llama btw yours was just a handy quote

15 months in with littlebit & so far so good. We had depth charges in the bath last week & a heinous massive midnight sh!t by candle light during a powercut which was interesting.

The most memorable was down to me trying to wind him, by cycling his legs whilst he lies on his back, too soon after a huge milk feed. The usual cycling action wasn’t working so I pushed his legs further towards his chest effectively pumping his stomach of all its contents in one Exorcist style milk fountain.

He spewed everywhere & we just looked at each other in shock – him wondering what just happened, me appalled at what I’d just done.

Felt bad for a little while after that but it sorted his wind out so not all bad..

Something that nobody really tells you…their nails grow quicker than wolverine’s claws…
Seriously, I was forever clipping our first’s nails, and now our little lady needs a manicure every bloody 5 minutes!!

DrP

i have 2 boys 4 and 7 (18 month age gap)

i think the sleep deprivation is getting to you…

we’re on our 3rd tv in the lounge since last january on account of the kids breaking the screen with flying toys

£25 for a bit of 5mm perspex to velcro over the screen. Though maybe you like buying new TVs 😉

Though maybe you like buying new TVs

first 2 were on the stand…wife didnt like the idea of having it wall mounted. current one is wall mounted, but to be fair the first one was killed by a stray wii remote by the oldest…then the second one was killed by the middle one with a toy.
i think they’ve both learnt their lesson….plus they have one tv kill each to their name. our youngest has yet to chalk up his first tv kill… 😆

Nobody warns you that you need to deal with kiddy logic……..

Out of the blue last night my 6 year old suddenly implored me to help the Snow Leopards.

Me : “What’s the matter with the Snow Leopards?”

Him :”People are eating them for medicine and they haven’t got enough snow”

Me : “Well, I’m not sure what we can do about that” (“…other than send them £3 a month in order to receive a cuddly toy” I thought inwardly)

Him: “We need to get them more snow”

Me : “How?”

Him : ” It’s coz people use too much electricity and gas”

Me : “Excellent, why don’t you go round the house and switch off any lights that we don’t need. That’ll help the Snow Leopards out big time!. Off you go”

He trots off, quite happy. An hour later, I tucked him into bed and as I closed the door he shouted “Turn the hall light off ! THink of the Snow Leopards”

Priceless

Yes, it’s also the relentlessness of the questioning. I once found myself agreeing to make gunpowder for the offspring – I hadn’t had my first morning coffee, and she got the better of me.

Luckily she got distracted by something else.

You also need to get used to being insulted in interesting and creative new ways:

“Daddy, sometimes you really are a genius”

(turns around and walks off)

“Though not today”

Does get easier “I think” as time goes by…a couple of years ago I used to get woken up most mornings at 05:30 by at least two very active children bouncing up and down on my head with laden nappies full of lovely warm wee.

Now I’ve progressed to around 06:30 to 07:00….”Dad….FINISHED!!!”

Que bum cleaning duties…boy those boys are regular.

Our first only used to poo every 7-10 days when he was a little baby. Doctor said this was nothing to worry about, but he always seemed to chose just the right moment to let go.

I remember driving long the motorway at 70mph and hearing (yes, hearing) him unleash his bowels from the back seat. When we eventually managed to park up, it turned out he’d managed to spray it down to his ankles AND up to the hair on the back of his head. It’s the only time I ever heard my dearly departed mother swear!

Q the other day while driving, dealing with traffic, not really knowing the way and discussing not much: “Daddy – how do clouds stay up?”

Brilliant thread!

My daughter when on a lovely day trip to Elie with my mum and dad decided that she needed the toilet just after i had gone to the toilet. i had left her with mum and dad so I could use the loo. Got back a minute later to have my mum say that she though Julia had gone to the toilet outside in the park. Slightly bemused, I walked over only to find a monstrous coiled serpent that even I would be proud of, right in the middle of the beautifully manicured grass. Grabbing a shopping bag, I scooped it up, trying not to wretch and managed to stumble and fumbled it over the harbour wall to leave a long, brown stain of despair. We left there sharpish!

I’ve also had the poo explosion in the public toilet where she seemed to be taking an age only for me to check on her to discover a brown tsunami EVERYWHERE! On hands, in hair, on top, on the walls, some vaguely in the toilet……….eauch!

I don’t miss the low hanging nappies that had massively exceeded their maximum brown limit and were spilling over with venomous fury……..

Is it me or do small children just do the most enormous jobbies? Seriously? If I did one to the same scale, I would need a new toilet and have to call in a Hazmat team!

Ah how I miss those glorious moments when you hear them unleash one in their nappy that seems to go up to their hair line

Bless ’em