Things that don't appear on the 'joys of parenting' list:

Although nothing can really prepare you for the streams that appear from all the orifices, the worst experience I had was when minilugz hurt his arm when he was around 18 months old.
Hurt enough so that he just held it and wouldnt move it.

the barrage of questions at the hospital made me feel quite frankly terrible!

The other one – If it fits in the mouth its food. Checking poo for swallowed stuff is pretty grim.

My daughter has had a cold for approx 2 months. Finally getting over it now, and she’s clearing out a lot of enduro-green snot.

This is bad enough, but this morning she sneezed a couple of 6 inch dangly snot blobules out and then promptly licked them up and ate them 😮 while I was frantically scrambling to get to the tissues. Helpfully afterwards she said “tish”. Yes, “tish” indeed.

It made me feel more sick than the time she was actually sick directly into my open mouth.

My 10 year old unexpectedly projectile vomited in the back of the car at 4 a.m, about 40 minutes in to the 12 hour drive to Cornwall last summer holiday.

To compound matters, he tried to hold it in his mouth with his hand……have you ever put your thumb over the end of a hose? It was like that only with vile smelling, weetabix puke.

Car seats, carpets, roofcloth, in car DVD Player, wee brother, big sister, back of the seats in front, back of the neck of Mum and Dad ……all were splattered.

I stopped the car and turned round to survey the carnage.
It was like a puke version of the Pulp Fiction scene when Travolta declares “Aaw man I just shot Marvin in the face!”

11 more hours on a hot July saturday in the car were an experience.

It starts before they’re born.

My wife’s waters broke all over my trousers and shoes, which ended up in the clinical waste.

I had to call the grandparents-to-be: “It’s a girl. Can you bring me some dry shoes?”

From yesterday…

Rolling a giant snow ball in the park and picking up several frozen dog turds in the process.

Many, many poo and vomit anecdotes. Projectile vomiting a complete milk feed all over our bed springs to mind.

Most painful is when they’re jumping up and down, and manage to catch your chin on the way up. No swearing allowed to relieve the pain…

Nothing so dramatic, but I don’t think we’ve had an unbroken night’s sleep in over five years.

I thought I knew what exhaustion was…

abandon bath, abandon bath a brown submarine has been spotted!”

That’s a “code brown” alert for rapid extraction in our house.

Remember a bad poo incident for our boy. Runny poo in his high chair. Out the side of the nappy, up and down and out of the trousers, dripping down his leg, a pool of poo on the floor.

Had the nights of vomit, wash down, clean clothes, clean sheets, back to bed, vomit… repeat till dawn.

Oh and lost count of the number of times I’ve been kicked in the balls. I doubt I even need to bother with the vasectomy.

And mealtimes are a particular joy at the moment 😕

Having a small car “parked” in the hole (this is not a technical term) of my sub woofer; it has been there for 7 years to be fair and still works but rattles every now and then.

If my wife reads this, she’s kill me but….

It’s not just the kids. Due to a few issues the good lady was on lactulose (I think) and hadn’t been able to poo due to a 3rd degree tear (F to B). She was having a bath and announced that she might need a poo. Her mum, a trained nurse, suggested that it would be OK to do it in the bath. What followed has no explanation..What was a nice bath full of clean water was turned into the largest bowl of Weetabix I’d ever seen in a matter of seconds.

Items removed from Sub Woofer.

1 x rubber snake
2 x bouncy balls
1 x ELC digger driver
1 x Action Man ski pole
1 x small yellow rubber monster

All of which “just fell in”.

My brother apparently destroyed our amstrad ‘PC’ in the 80’s by pushing coins into the disk drive, apparently I was just as bad for pushing cards into the slot but was forgiven on the basis that disks had pictures on them which matched the ones on the screen, so at least my destruction was logical.

Lots of “I’m feeling more sick”, no “I’m more sick” competitive vomiting in the back of the car (we spent a lot of time driving to grandparents 3h away).

All of which “just fell in”.

Yup, lost – one arm off a pair of Oakley frogskins… Found – In the bottom bracket of my XC bike a week after losing the damn thing. He’s been going through a phase of posting items into small spaces for about 4 months, I’m still missing a wedding ring and a watch that he somehow picked up from a window sill.
Todays favourite is my 2 year old deciding to wake me up by hitting me with a model truck. Right in the middle of the forehead. At 4.55 this morning.

Being awoken at 3am by strange noises downstairs, to find the daughter lying on the hall floor and piles of alcohol induced vomit everywhere. Going back to bed and saying to the wife. ‘Your daughter is downstairs and needs your help’……….. cue sounds of wife gagging while the daughter is smiling, scooping it into a bucket to help………… daughter was 21 then………….

Twins throwing up over me three times each at kings cross station. Misery is sitting on a train covered in someone else’s vomit.

Getting kicked, elbowed and kneed in the batteries daily

Having to dig a hole in frozen ground to conduct a memorial service for Harry the ex-Hamster in the middle of heavy snowfall.
Only after repeated attempts over a 48 hr period to revive the lifeless rodent with heat pads and massage to make sure he wasn’t hibernating.

its the embarrassing things they do in all innocence that gets me…

4 yr old son wanders off in the local park, hes out of sight for maybe 5 minutes before the wimp in me won and i went to find him – hes sitting in a kiddies swing – the one with the bars – swinging away quite happily. I saunter over, ask how hes doing and he points at the woman close by and in THE LOUDEST voice ever say ‘the fat lady gave me a push’..

elderly chap napping in KFC, same son, now 6ish walks up to him and asks if he was dead?

teaching the kids to cook with fresh ingredients, stressing how important is is to eat ‘proper’ food(previous tale excepted). next trip to supermarket, the poor woman in front of us had her shopping dissected with scathing remarks about the state of her weekly shop.

they don’t warn you about it, and they should!

Ha, Smudger!

Similar – sat in Starbucks and a portly chap walks past our table and my 3 year old daughter points at him and says loudly ‘that man’s got a baby in his tummy Daddy’

i’ve also had the honour of being vomited on by my daughter while we were shopping in H&M. i had some items of children’s clothing in my free hand when she unexpectedly spewed all over me. cue me covered in vomit walking up to the counter whilst holding a vomit covered child to pay for vomit covered clothing…which i only wanted to look at and had no intention of buying!

my eldest son when he was little crying in the car on the way home from birmingham. wife managed to climb into the back to try and calm him down, then he started coughing so she made me pull over on the hard shoulder while she got him out of his seat to pat him on the back….cue vomit spewing out all over him, her, the car seat and the back seat of the Audi. she strapped him back in and sat there in stoney silence for the remainder of the journey. our son fell asleep….we got home quite late that night so i had to leave the car as it was until the morning. took me a couple of hours to clean everything and to get the stains out of the fabric, took a few more days and lots of febreze before the smell of vomit cleared.

Was stood at a pedestrian crossing with my littlest one when he was about 4 when he noticed that there was a woman in her 50’s standing next to us who was a dwarf.
I’m stood there thinking ” Don’t say anything…Don’t!…. just don’t” when he comes out with “Dad, look at the size of that wee lady!”

Before I can respond, the lady turned round and looked my four year old straight in the eye ( no bending down required) and said to him….

“I didn’t eat up my vegetables when I was a wee girl”.

She looked up at me, winked and scuttled off across the road, leaving me and the boy speechless.

YYYYYYYU

I still haven’t gotten over the high pressure,in car, projectile vomit incident.
Or the Lady in black ,in the deli’, who Li’l J refers to as “the witch”.
He get’s it from his mother obvs…
Poo on skin I can deal with , but when it’s transferred to clothing I struggle to deal with or breath……..ha.

Trip to a Mexican restaurant with our 6 month old daughter and we noticed a bit of a pong. Our daughter had done an explosive one in her nappy which was massively leaking. We both scarpered to the toilets with her as it was a two man job. It took ages to get her cleaned up and it was really whiffy. Also, the hand dryer was above the nappy bin which was next to the changer so anytime you went near it jets hot air in to the bin, mixes with all the baby shit and wafts the warm air all over the toilet!

We were gone so long the restaurant thought we had left!

Got the weeman a fairly immense collection of brio from a mixture of my mum’s loft and bootfairs. Shortly after that we noticed that there was a strange, bonfire-esque, smell coming from the gas fire. opened that up and yeah sure enough there’s a little brio man in there who has taken a trip through the grill on the front of the fire and landed on the hot part of the back boiler where he has been unceremoniously cremated.

Words were exchanged as best you can with a 3 year old, but sure enough a week or so later it happens again, “have you put another man through there onto the fire?” …”yes”, take fire to pieces, remove man, this time its a full on explanation of why you can’t put brio men in the fire, really don’t do it, “do you understand, no more putting your men in the fire” “yes daddy”.

True to his word no more men went on the fire, which was no consolation when woken by the sound of the smoke alarm going off with the whole house smelling like burning plastic a week or so later, I suppose its my own fault for being too specific as I didn’t explicitly rule out plastic toy cars.

We were on holiday in Spain with my sister, BIL and their kids. We’d bunged all the kids in one room and my son (4) and my neice (3 and a half) were top and tailing. I woke up in the night and my lad was screaming so I went to check what was wrong.

He’d severely shat the bed, covered himself and my neice, who somehow was still sleeping!! The poor sod had no idea what was going on as she woke up to having shit showered off her, dried and put back to bed, which had now been cleaned up.

One of the kids mentioned it in the morning, but all the adults just said, “no, nothing happened last night…….”

… I didn’t explicitly rule out …

🙂 got you on a technicality

At a classic car show near the Trafford Centre last year, 3year old son gives a 5 second warning that he’s going to be sick.
Had to move him at lightning speed away from the classic TR7 he’s just been sat in and catch his vomit in my cupped hands, then carry said vomit 100yds to the nearest toilet.

Its not the first time I have had to catch his vomit either.

Also his elder sister when she was a similar age referred to a Dwarf stood next to us at the airport as a ‘Funny little Man with a funny head’.

My wife’s waters broke all over my trousers and shoes, which ended up in the clinical waste.

I had to call the grandparents-to-be: “It’s a girl. Can you bring me some dry shoes?

I had to replace our ensuite carpet due to afterbirth all over the place.

The floorboards below have a faint tinge of birthday blood to this day.

This thread is hilarious

My kids have wrecked my car. Including both front cup holders, they no longer have a front or a button, so they’re stuck in the dash.

Being a BMW part they’re monstrously expensive so I’ve not had cupholders for a good couple of years now

Trip to a Mexican restaurant with our 6 month old daughter and we noticed a bit of a pong. Our daughter had done an explosive one in her nappy which was massively leaking. We both scarpered to the toilets with her as it was a two man job. It took ages to get her cleaned up and it was really whiffy. Also, the hand dryer was above the nappy bin which was next to the changer so anytime you went near it jets hot air in to the bin, mixes with all the baby shit and wafts the warm air all over the toilet!
We were gone so long the restaurant thought we had left!

Now I think about it, when #1 spawn was about 6/12 old, we met my Dad’s auntie for afternoon tea in an old lady hotel*. After a bit there was an aroma, and my wife took herself off for a new nappy.

Time passed.

Wife returned, holding baby clad only in a nappy, with instructions to dress child while she goes and cleans the poo Armageddon up in the baby change. While she was gone and I was dressing child in the middle of the lounge, I kept being told by members of staff that they did have a baby change. Baby clothes had to go in the bin.

This may have been the same trip where we left the changing mat on the roof of the car following an al fresco change and drove off without it.

*Royal George in Perth

Sh1t flicked at random OAP on the bus after hand went down nappy.
Molten acidic Vomit over my bare back on a summers day in the Park ,and what can only be described as Bear grade scat whilst bathing my then 2 year old lad.

Its all there to ruin the hardiest of Parents.

Its broken me over the years I can tell you.

It doesn’t end when the pooing and puking stops… try this:
tomorrow I have to explain to the boy why he’s been dropped from the rugby team he’s been part of for the past 5 years, while all his school mates, who he introduced to the club this season, have places 🙁
(Luckily it’s only one match, so hopefully he’ll get over it)

Wife’s first night back at work after we had twins. “No problem” I hear you say. We also had a 2.5 year old… “Well that’s your fault”, I can hear already. You would be right so far. Then imagine that they all have gastro-enteritis. All excreting poo with all the pressure you would expect from a firemans hose. You are bathing babies covered in poo, stripping beds full of poo, cleaning a bath that’s had pooey water in it plus some poo directly in it.

This doesn’t stop and all of a sudden it’s 3am. You start to feel ill yourself, you begin vomiting and then need to quickly change positions as the other end starts misbehaving too… A bizarre sound is heard from your twins bedroom and rush to it – only to see the Omen-esque sight of your pair of angels puking in a vertical 18″ puke fountain. This then starts another round of bathing, changing, cot-stripping and this time with the added interest of trying to fit this in between your own bouts of sickness and supersonic defecation…

Feeling very lucky reading this thread. Our daughter is almost 6,and we’ve never had any really dramatic poo or vomit incidents.

It’s too late for her to start, right?

On the other hand, we have her writing passive-aggressive notes to teachers, and other kids’ parents, which can be mortifying.

The smell of a teenage boys bedroom and the things that lurk therein.

The father of son’s girlfriend knocking on the door and beginning the conversation “I’m recording this conversation and may hold it as evidence……”

I’ve always gone by the Profanisaurus definition of “Crop dusting” until yesterday with my 2 year old.

Usual Sunday morning apathy from me – leave him in his nappy until we get dressed. Overnight wees plus morning drinkies equals a fair amount of saggage. Which would be ok but he also deposited a fair quantity of rabbit droppings in there too.

And then he ran around the in-law’s with his big brother for quite a time.

While his 8 month old sister crawled around intrigued by the chocolate drops now sprinkled sparingly around the kitchen, hallway and lounge…

Bit of a moment when I spotted them followed by mild panic as I tried to clean, secure and prevent movement from all 3 of the little sods!

Qtipped big poo’s out…yes.
Sucked bogies out of blocked noses…yep.
Countless dramas…yes.
5k damage from after teenage parties..yes.

Any thanks…..not likely!

sucked a bogies out of a nose?

WTF!

I’d rather clean a bazillion shitty nappies and the like.

And I’ve just realised/remembered what a q tip is.

Christ. :grim:

Ha, this thread is awesome. I’ve had the whole family norovirus event, where you have a small un’ puking down your back while running to the bathroom to do so yourself, not an experience I want to repeat.

Worst one was trip to the city in the summer and walking back to the car giving our eldest a shoulder high when he managed to poo himself, leaving me with an excrement soaked back. Got a few interesting looks driving home through the traffic topless 😆